Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

Still I Can Feel You

March 2022, Helsinki

Everyone was there. Standing infront of her grave.
Leaving her roses. The flowers that she loved the most.

She used to get so happy whenever i got her a bouquet. Is she also happy up there today?
Is she smiling?

The others didn't stay a lot and after some time they all left together.

"Please give me some time" i looked at Niko that offered to drive me home.

He nodded and walked away.

Now i was left alone here.
The place that i haven't visited for months.
It hurt so much to be here but also it is like i can feel her next to me.

I kneeled down and looked at her written name.
She didn't deserve to leave like this and at this young age.
My angel had so many things to live.

"Hey love" i knew that she could hear me. I would always speak to her
Even if i was in my room, in the balcony, infront of her picture or her grave.
I knew that she would always listen to me.
Like she used to do everytime that we spoke.

"It's been a while" i looked around

I still deep inside me wished that, magically she would appear infront of me, take my hand and leave with me.

"I really hope that you're okay up there" i felt a tear roll down my cheek and i didn't bother to wipe it away

"And I'm sure that our little girl is fine with you" i tried to smile

Even if I'm left alone here.
They are together.
The women of my life are together and in a happy place that doesn't include the pain that i caused them.

"But i miss you" i closed my eyes and took a deep breath
"I Know that you're not proud of how I'm treating myself and you aren't happy with how I've ended up but i can't without you" i stopped.
It was like i was waiting for a reply, only thing i got as a response was the air that blew around which caused me automatically to pull and close my jacket.

"From now on i promise to bring you a rose every single day though" even if i still hate leaving my house and walking out. I will visit her grave to bring her, her favourite flowers.
Something that Niko had been doing for the last year.

I obviously couldn't also do it.
For the first five months i didn't even go to Joonas's apartment which is next to mine.

"We all miss you so much" i slowly got up since i felt that i wasn't alone anymore

"It's getting cold" Niko stood exactly behind me

I wiped away all the tears that were left on my face and turned around

Everyone else was gone and as Niko told me they were all at Joonas's.

No-one of us spoke during the drive.
There was nothing else to say.
I was the reason that his best friend died and he still remained by my side and he kept telling me that it's not my fault.
He has so much mental strength to do this, after all the things that happened.
He lost his little sister as he said but he kept comforting me while he was in pain too but he never showed it.
Not when he was with us.

As i heard Joonas and Aleksi saying today.
Minna told them that Niko didn't sleep for two days straight.
He spend all his time in Kristy's room.
Just looking around or speaking on her pictures.

No-one of us deserves to go through all this pain.
And Kristy was the one that didn't deserve anything bad.
She never hurt anyone.

"Are you coming?" Niko asked me once we were infront of Joonas's apartment