Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

Those Eyes

  They spend quite lot of time trying to make me go out. Just like every day tho, it has become a routine all those days and I'm used to it and them.

I only went out to go to supermarket and that only when Joonas denied to bring me the things I wanted.

I haven't talked with my parents for more than half a year but it's not easy. I'm sure of the things that they're going to say and I don't want to hear them. I can't

Everyone tells me to stop blaming myself but I will never stop and no-one will be able to change my mind no matter how many years pass.

"We're going out tonight with Aleksi You are sure you don't want to come?" Niko asked me one more time before he walked out of my apartment

I just nodded and he lowered his head.
I heard Joonas shouting that he would come again in the evening but I really hope I'm gonna be asleep by the time he gets here.

If I manage to get some sleep tonight again. Those last days I can't get to sleep since in some days it's gonna be a year after what happened, after what I did.

So that means that all the memories come alive again and the sleep dies.
It was even harder in the beginning but they didn't let me this way.

They gave me pills. Pills that didn't help a lot tho. Just made me sleep in the early hours of the morning. But they were enough to keep me alive

Insomnia didn't help me and the thing that everything was my fault was haunting me and will always be around me for my whole life.

I did a mistake and she left. Everyday I regret it more and more but now it's too late to do or say anything.

The moments I lived with her. They hurt. It fucking hurts when I know that I won't be able to live more because of me.

I still remember when she first came to the studio. When Niko brought her. At the first beginning I didn't like her.
She seemed like a diva and then the way that she joked a lot made her annoying to my eyes.

I still remember how she looked even if I haven't seen her for a whole year.

She was 19 and I was 23 when we first met and didn't needed a lot to click.

When we had our first talk alone, she admitted that also thought that I was a snob person and cared about myself only but we got to know better each other and that's when my life started to change.

For a one year and half she was something like my best friend. I remember being in a toxic relationship back then but when I broke up she was there for me. She helped me and comforted me like no one else did.

Even if I knew it that it would change from the first time I saw her. Her eyes looked so different and special. Those eyes that I will never forget.

I never thought I was would ever feel the real love for someone but she made it happened and now she left me here.

But I think that I have to take things from the very start and explain since I'm sure that I've confused everyone.

December 2015,  Oulu Finland

"Where is Niko?" I was asking Tommi our drummer. We had to make some recording for one of the songs of our album but he was nowhere to be seen.

This year we were all so stressed. We had to prepare our first album "Revolutions" we've been working on it since October and most of the vocals weren't ready. We needed a female voice for back up to three songs but couldn't find anyone and our friends didn't like the idea.

It was hard but I was sure we would manage to make it. I always had faith to our band and my mates.

"I'm here Joel" the door opened and he walked in but not alone. There was a brunnete woman with him.

I thought he had told us that he doesn't want a relationship for now but you can never know with him.

"This is Kristina. We call her Kristy" she came to us to shake hands. They all told her their names and she left me last

"You must be Joel" she said when we shaked hands.

I looked deep into her eyes. I was trying to understand the colour they had, they seem like they were colourful but you could for sure understand the blue and green that she had.

"Yea that's me" she smiled and walked away again and sat next to Niko

I don't think they actually are together. They seem a bit different to be a couple but you never know

"So guys remember that we needed a female voice?" He asked and we all nodded "so this is my best friend and she can sing for us" Niko smiled

Well she was beautiful but I don't know if her voice would complete exactly what we want. I can't lie that I hesitated but I would do the same with anyone. I just want the best for my band and the songs to be perfect.

"Should we listen to her first?" Joonas Said before I could speak. What if he can read minds?

"Of course, I'm ready" she got up excited and took her jacket off.

I wasn't sure if we would have a good result with her but I knew that she would work hard to achieve everyone's goal. Which was to finish our songs and albums in a year or even less.

She sang us two songs. A rock one and a pop one. When she was done everyone was left with their mouths hanging opened, everyone except of Niko that has heard her voice again of course.

"I won't hear anyone" Olli looked at me "she's the one"  she smiled to our bassist and went to sit again next to Niko

Everyone agreed that she was amazing and perfect for our songs. They left me in the end because they knew I was the one that wanted to check every detail.

"I can't say anything more" I laughed "They all said everything, welcome in our little fam I guess?" She almost jumped up like a little girl with the enthusiasm that she got.

"You won't regret it. She is really good" Niko said and they hugged each other

I'm still wondering if they are together

*Author's note

So there is where Joel's story starts.
Back in 2015
This story will be something like this.
Joel talking about the past and explaining his story but there gonna be moments from the present since we need to check on his current life.
Something different of the things I'm used on writing but I hope you're gonna like it
Enjoy 🖤