Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

Pain

March 2021, Helsinki

I froze on my spot after those words left the nurse's mouth.

Kristy is alive, she didn't leave me but our little girl is.. gone?
This can't be real, why can't I pinch myself and wake up in bed with Kristy next to me.
Why can't everything be okay just like it used to be some hours ago?

We were the happiest people on earth, we were so ready to be parents, we were so excited to meet that little baby and now after finding out that we would have a girl, she's gone.

And she's gone because of me but i couldn't do anything else, if i had remained on my spot the other driver would have destroyed us.

I did everything to save us, but it wasn't enough, our baby is dead because of me.
How am I going to tell this to Kristy?

Will she even forgive me for this? Again i caused us so much pain.
Why can't we be happy finally? Why everytime something has to happen that it destroys everything.

It can't be real, i will always be in denial, i would propose to her, we would have our little girl in four months, we were supposed to come in this place after those months to meet our baby not to say goodbye to it.

Does Kristy already know? Is she awake?
How could I hurt her like this again?
She doesn't deserve all this pain, and every time it is caused from me, every fucking time i cause everything.

I killed the most precious thing that we were waiting for.
I was so excited to be a father, i was so excited to have a family with the woman that i loved the most and now, nothing.

How I'm going to tell her this? She's going to hate me and i won't blame her.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked the nurse again

What if they made a mistake and our little baby is still with us?

"I'm sorry but yes, your baby is gone" the nurse came to help me sit but i refused

"I need to see her, to speak with her" i was referring to Kristy

What if she's not okay? What if they are lying to me about her state?
I need to see how she is

"That's not possible now" the nurse tried to make me sit again

"She's my girlfriend, why can't I see her?" I shouted at the nurse but again she didn't say anything bad back

I'm losing control but I'm just worried.
I need to know how Kristy is.

"She's in coma" the nurse said and i almost collapsed, thankfully she was there to help me sit on the bed

She's in coma, she lost her baby and she doesn't know and all of this because of me.
Why can't she be happy just like everyone else?
After we got rid of Johanna i thought that we would finally have that peaceful and happy life that I've always wanted with her and she's laying in a hospital bed and she can't communicate with us.

"But she will make it right?" I looked up at the nurse and she nodded trying to smile

"The doctors are really positive about her situation" she said and after making sure that i was fine she left because other patients exist too.

I didn't know what i was supposed to do.
How are we going to make it through this?
I love her more than my life, i promised that i would protect both of them, and i didn't manage to do so.
I promised that i would never hurt her and i did exactly the opposite.
What if she hates me after this? I took her baby away when she was so happy and excited to be a mom