Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

My Special White Rose

March 2021, Helsinki

  It's been five whole days since our car crash. Kristy still hasn't woken up and three days ago the doctors allowed me to go home since i was fine as they said.
I did go home but i couldn't stay there without her

That's why I spend most of my time in the hospital or in the room that she was.

Almost a whole week has gone by and i still can't make myself believe in what actually has happened.
I still have hope that the doctors will come to me and tell me that Kristy is awake and that our baby isn't gone.

I can't tell her that i killed our baby.
How I'm supposed to do this?

Before i went at our house, i made Joonas to destroy everything that he had made for the proposal that i would do.

I wouldn't be able to handle it, if i walked in and saw everything.
If i was more careful, nothing would have happened.

We would probably be laying on our bed right now, discussing about our future and about our little girl.
We would speak about the things that we would do us a family but instead of this, she's in coma and I'm sitting here outside of her hospital room.

I just hope that she's going to wake up soon.
As the doctors say it could happen in a matter of days and that gives me hope about us.
Even if i feel that she's going to hate everything about me once she finds out about what i caused.

Niko had been also spending so many hours in the hospital.
He would never leave Kristy's side and even after what i did to his best friend he's still here comforting me.

"Take this one" Aleksi gave me a coffee cup

He has been here since the morning.
He came with Niko since as they say i should not spend all this time alone because i just dive deeper to my thoughts and overthinking and that doesn't help anyone.

"Thanks" i didn't have the strength to look at him
I couldn't look at anyone, i felt so guilty for everything.

"It's going to be okay man" Aleksi pat my shoulder as a sign of comfort
I really don't know in what state i would be now if i didn't have them in my life.

"I don't know Aleksi" i kept looking at the wall infront of us
"What if she doesn't forgive me?" I kept tapping the bottom of the cup

"She will because she's clever and knows that it's not your fault" he continued and i just nodded

I hope she does forgive me.
I can't keep up with life if she leaves me alone.
I won't be able to handle all this pain alone.
It will be too much for both of us.
But if we are together we can share this pain and we can try to make it.

Niko has been speaking with the doctors since they came here.
He wants them to treat her the best way and make sure that she's fine.
He cares so much about her.

Aleksi decided not to continue the conversation since he understood that i just wasn't in any mood for talks right now. That's why we both remained silent in our seats.

It's been two days since i last saw her.
Thankfully the doctors let us inside and i could sit next to her and talk with her even if i knew that she couldn't listen or reply, i kept speaking at her.
Just like i used to do with our little baby girl.

Yesterday they didn't allow me to get inside because they were running some tests and i wasn't allowed to be in there but i know that today i will be able to spend some time with her again.
At least that's what the doctors said to Niko.

He's trying to show us that he's strong and that he can keep his emotions under control but I've caught him crying so many times after leaving Kristy's room or in the parking lot.
Everything that has happened has caused him a lot of pain.
And everything has happened because of me.
I'm bringing pain to the people that i love and the ones that have comforted me the most.