Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

What If?

  February 2017, Helsinki

Kristy called me some minutes ago and asked if I could go in her apartment because we need to speak. She didn't tell me anything else though and that's scaring me and making me anxious.

What could have happened? We talked the morning and nothing had happened at least that's what I think

There are a lot of possible things that could happen but I can't figure out what. We were okay... I mean I couldn't have done something bad or something she didn't like without even realising it right?

I just wish that it isn't something bad and that she's gonna ask me about the most simple thing. I don't want to hear something bad. Everything can happen in this life, we've already seen a lot in only a year.

What if Johanna found her? What if she did something again? She could have tried again to hurt her. Maybe if she found Kristy she would try to do it.

Whatever she said when I met her she could just forget it in the thought and possibility of destroying what I have with Kristy and hurting her and this way me

I just hope that nothing that has to do with Johanna did happen and nothing related with what we two have.
Of course it passed from my mind that she could have regreted what we have. What if she got bored of me?

But this can't happen when the morning we were just fine right? I'm sure it's something really simple and actually dumb. I'm sure that I'm just overthinking it too much and nothing will really happen.
I will find out in some minutes though

I got out of my car and walked up the stairs of the building.
Soon I will know what's going on

I rang the bell and waited till someone opened the door.
In a matter of seconds the door opened and she appeared infront of me

Her hair messy and she was wearing a black oversized hoodie and sweatpants.
But one special thing that was missing was her beautiful smile and her eyes weren't the same.
Maybe what is going on is actually something serious.

Her eyes are red... She had been crying?
She also didn't even smile when she saw me or when I walked in and when she hugged me she didn't want to let go of me.
I'm so worried of the words that will be said.

We both walked in the living room and even if I asked her to tell me something she didn't speak and she didn't even look at me.

She just took my hand and made me sit infront of her laptop.

"I don't understand" before I could say anything else she opened it and it light up.
It was in her email and she opened the first one. I didn't manage to see at first from who it was since she opened it really fast.
She took the laptop in her hands and placed it in my lap.

I looked at the screen and started to read that email. I would probably get my answers from this one.

Every word that my eyes went through just created a deeper hole in my heart and my smile kept fading.
I felt like something dropped to my stomach and I can't know if it is a part of my heart.

To Netherlands? For nine months?
They want her there.

"Is that a joke?" I looked at her who was looking at me and the laptop in turns

"No" she moved her head negatively

I read the email twice just to make sure that I read everything correctly. To make sure that it had her name in the end.

"You will go?" I won't hold her back if she wants to leave and go in that university.

It's a big change and I'm sure that a lot of people would give a lot to be accepted there and as she had told me she had sent some applications to other universities outside Finland in the past but they all denied and never contacted her again. She probably doesn't want to lose this opportunity and wants to go but....
Does that mean that what we have will just end? Like this?