Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

I Need To Get Drunk

March 2022, Helsinki

  "Kristy" I shouted and moved up.

I just woke up from a dream. A very bad dream. I opened my eyes and looked around in my room, sweating like crazy.

It didn't take too long for Aleksi to rush in my room and open the lights to check on me.

He decided to sleep in my apartment today, so he could keep me company and because I shouldn't stay alone again.
I just think that they wanted to be sure that I wouldn't drink though, but it's better that he's here now and I'm not alone.

It's not the first time I'm dreaming of her, I've seen so many dreams with Kristy but they always were good.

I always saw that she came back, that I opened my door and she was there, that we were able to be happy again but this time that didn't happen and what I saw was a nightmare and it felt so real

"Hey" Aleksi Said but I didn't turn to look at him "Hey it's nothing Joel please" he shouted and now he was on my bed and he was shaking me.

It took me some time to fully calm down and understand what I exactly saw.
Now I was in the kitchen with Aleksi And I was drinking a glass of water.
He said that it would help but the only thing I wanted was to fall asleep again and continue my dream where I left it.

"What did you see?" He asked me when I was done with the water

How do I even explain everything that I saw? It was so scary and bad and it again made me feel guilty.
It was something I had created, why is everything haunting me like this?

This time I took sleep pills. I thought that I would manage to sleep normally, especially since I managed to take my mind away from her, maybe for some minutes but still I managed to do this.

She again came in my mind and I would be so happy if it was for good but this made me worry even more.

"She was scared, something was happening to her" I mumbled and felt that I started to shake again "she isn't okay where she is Aleksi" i whispered and he looked at me
"In the dream, I had prepared a gift and sent it to her but when she opened it, something jumped out and attacked her" I felt such guilt and it was only a dream "she was shaking like crazy and I wasn't able to do anything, I wanted and tried to help but something was holding me back, from my arm and it hurt me too Aleksi" I said and the realization hit me hard.

Two days.... Only two days left.
That's why I dreamt this, the past week I've been thinking more and more about what I did and caused and that's why I saw this nightmare.

It's the first thing I think when I wake up and the last one when I go to sleep.

The dream brought back memories that hurt, it just did in a different way.
I've dreamt many times about the actions that happened that day but never like this.

Seems like my mind wanted to give me something else for a change.

"Look I Know it's hard, especially those days" Aleksi filled the glass that I had emptied with water again. "But I'm sure that she's okay there" he gave me the glass again and sat next to me

Maybe she is better there, but what if not? What if she is in a dark place? She always hated dark
And now I'm not able to protect her,
Would she allow me to do so though? Even if I was able to protect her there would she let me after what I did to her?

"You saw that dream cause you just keep blaming yourself even after a whole year passed" Aleksi then said

How could I not blame me? I did everything, I destroyed us.
I caused every bad that followed and once again I hurt her, even if I promised, even if I tried not to.
I promised to keep her happy but I failed this mission cause I'm the worst partner that someone could have.