Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

A Lie That Saved Us

  January 2018, Haarlem

"I'm sorry" I apologised for a millionth time to Kristy, and that's what I've been doing for one whole hour since she said that she forgave me.

"How many times are you going to apologise?"  She looked up at me and I moved my shoulders up

She was laying down and had placed her head in my lap while I was playing with her hair or placed kisses in her faces or I kept apologising for what I did.

Even if she said that it's okay since I came here and that she forgives me I don't think that I deserve it.
I've been bad and said bad things that hurt her a lot.

I still feel like I'm dreaming.
I feel like I will suddenly open my eyes, look around and realize that I'm still alone in that cold apartment in Helsinki. 

I'm happy to be with her again, I'm glad that she forgave me but I'm scared that I will again do something stupid one day and lose her forever and that will be my worst nightmare.

Being again with her means that I can finally feel safe, it means that I don't need to worry about everything.
I'll have her by my side and that's enough.

I just wish that I will be smart enough to keep her happy with me and don't do another stupid movement that will hurt her.

"Kristy" I said and she looked up again "I'm sorry" I apologised again and tried not to laugh. I knew how much it was annoying her now and I've been doing it for almost one whole hour

"I swear if you say I'm sorry one more time I will throw you out" she sat on her knees and she was trying to look mad even if she always failed when she tried to act like it, so I couldn't help but laugh

"Okay I will stop" I held my hands up and pulled her closer to me

I just want to spend time with her now.
Only the two of us, somewhere and alone.
That's why I also prepared something else too but I need to know if she's willing to come with me and if she's able too

I booked two tickets for Paris.
The place where I opened up to her for first time, when I told her about how hard things were in my life and how things were with Johanna.
It was when I realized how beautiful she was, how nice she was as a person, it was when I started to like her not only for her appearance but her character too.

It was when she travelled there with Niko but he broke he's leg and they needed help so I was the one to go there.

This place means a lot to me after the night that we spend in that balcony with the view of the whole Paris.
The things we said that night meant a lot to me, I opened my heart to her and this way I showed her that I trusted her.

She decided to help me that night and after that trip we started to look about all the details and information about Johanna's situation and her help was definitely what I needed to be saved.

Just two days there can bring up many memories, that's why I want us to travel there again after what happened.

I want us and especially her to remember how we were before we even got in a relationship or how we were when we first got together.
The confused feelings, the shyness, the excitement.
Maybe they can come back with this trip.

And we need a break from our lifes.
We should get away from Haarlem and Helsinki and find each other again.

Realize how much we mean to each other, have fun, enjoy each other without thinking about what is waiting back in Finland or Netherlands.

Escape from everything, fly out of reality.
Close our phones, block out everyone and everything and just be together.

I want to make it up to her for all the time that we lost because of her studies, because of what I did, because of my work, because of my stupidness.