Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

I'm Holding So Tight

December 2017, Helsinki

It's been three whole hours since Kristy left from my apartment and went to Niko's.

All this time I've been thinking about the things we said, about the thing that tomorrow she's actually leaving, about the thing that I took it to far by asking her if she is cheating.

How could I even say something like this to her? I'm hurting her and I'm just trying to keep her behind because I need her so I  be happy.

I didn't even care about the way she felt at first. I was mad, I wasn't even thinking but I was just throwing words in the air.

It's her dream after all, and she wants to accomplish it. Just like every person does.

I also want to make my dreams come true. What if I actually made Kristy change her mind and stayed back because me and then Blind Channel became a big band and we had to tour out of Finland which means that I would have to be away?

Would it be fair? No it wouldn't.
I would stop her from leaving because I just can't stand living without her but what if I was the one that would leave?

I'm really not mad that she wants to leave again, what hurt me the most is that she didn't mention it earlier or didn't even talk about it with me.

She preferred to discuss about it with Aleksi and this cut me deep.
I knew that she would never do something with him at least not behind my back or while we are together.

She's not that kind of person and I feel sick with myself that I talked to her like this.

She never talked bad to me, I'm sure that she didn't do it on purpose or to hurt me but it did. I want to be with her more than anything in this world but this argument that happened in the morning and the thing that she will be away for six months could tear us apart.

I don't know if we are strong enough this time to fight all of this, especially now that things are getting even worse for me.

I could tell her that I could find someone to get her the diploma without having to stay in Haarlem for such long time but I'm sure that she would decline.

She's not like this. She would prefer to try and study hard even if it would take  her one more year. I know her and she's one of the most hard-working people out there and wants to be proud of where she's come and what she's made and not because she got a diploma with money.

I wouldn't even dare to suggest this. I knew how she would feel and also I imagined myself being in her place and I would feel terrible so just like the thought about this came in my mind I immediately throw it away. 

What I've been thinking about though for the half past hour that I've been sitting in the balcony is that she doesn't deserve me as her partner.

Maybe I did try my best to make her happy, I did my best to be there for her in hard and tough times. Always trying to support her in any way that I could but I don't feel like it's enough.

One hour ago Niko messaged me telling me that she went there but wasn't in a good state.

This destroyed me inside because I know that I'm the one that drove her there. She deserves to be happy and I don't think that I can give her this.

I won't be able to handle myself if she leaves and I don't want to keep her back from making her dreams come true.

It will kill me to know that she let down something that she wanted since she was a kid because of me.

I'm selfish, caring about myself and the way I overreacted before was too much for both of us.

I don't deserve her.
She was always trying to be there for me. Knowing that my demons were fighting me every day and throwing me down, she was there to help me get up and fight them with me.