Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

New Neighbor

  April 2017, Helsinki

    As I expected it took me hours to fall asleep. I'm sure that till 3 am I was awake scrolling through my social media or watching stupid videos on YouTube.

Those didn't help me to sleep, so as Kristy said I should drink a cup of tea or something that can calm me down when I can't sleep.
That's exactly what I did, I make a mug with tea and sat in the balcony.

This is the only place that can calm me down even if it's way too cold outside.
I waited for the tea to cool down a bit and then start drinking.
I wasn't really a type of people that drink tea or things like this. I always got alcohol for comfort but it just kept me more awake and my drunk thoughts sometimes were worse than when I was sober so once I tried tea because of Kristy.

I couldn't sleep as usual and I was in the same spot as I'm now drinking a beer till she came and grabbed the bottle from my hands.
I tried to get it back but she throw it in the trash.

She said that drinks like those don't help a lot to calm you. Yes alcohol is good and it brings you much joy and it makes everything funnier and I couldn't agree more about what she said.

That night she made us both tea and we drunk them while I was telling her what was keeping me awake.
Even if she was tired she remained there and listened to me while caressing my hand the whole time.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the one that has to do all of this, that she actually shows me more love and affection than the one that I deserve, that I show her less of the feelings that she shows me.

When she has something going on and she's feeling stressed or sad I'm always there to listen and help in every way that it's possible but most of time she's losing her sleep for me.

When she has something happening she always says that it's fine and after a small chat she tells me to fall asleep and that she will do the same.
Of course there are times I've seen her just looking in the ceiling or she's up looking in the view from the window of my bedroom. Things that only happened when she thought that I was asleep, something that didn't happen easily that's why I would always pull her back to bed or close to me.

I would play with her hair, I would tell her that everything would be okay even if I never believed this for myself sometimes I was good at comforting others.

Kristy isn't the same as me. I will stress over the smallest things and overthink them the whole day, but when Kristy is thinking negatively or something is going wrong. It feels that it's easier to make her think positively again. At least I hope so.

I don't want her to suffer because she always has to explain me that everything is okay and that I should think in a good way for the future.
She knows that it's hard for me to do but she always reminds me that and it makes me feel so guilty.

She always has to repeat herself like I'm a child who doesn't understand or try to convince me to try to sleep more.

I won't be surprised if one day she gets tired of me. I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on her but I hadn't had someone in my life to care about me for years and now that I found her I feel like i need to let everything out.

The morning I woke up in a bad mood. Not only because of every thought that I made yesterday but also because there was much noise outside of my apartment.

So after wearing a t-shirt I walked out of my bedroom and went to check what  was actually happening.

I opened the door and looked in the other apartment that people were leaving yesterday.
The door was opened again and people were again going up the stairs with boxes in their hands and now they were carrying a couch and they couldn't find who had to go left and who right.