Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

Guilt And Regret

  January 2018, Helsinki

  And I did what I said to Niko in that call. I didn't go to speak with Kristy, no matter how hard Niko tried to change my mind.

I had already my thoughts and gotten my decision and nothing could change it.

"You're gonna make things worse like this and I'm sure you will regret it" Niko's last words before closing the call have been replaying in my mind for the past month.

I didn't visit her and we haven't spoken since the argument that we had here.
I sent her multiple messages, explaining her why I did everything and that I will be by her side even if she decides that we should really break up after what I did.

She never replied, she talked with everyone else except of me.
I can't blame her though.
She probably wanted me to go in Niko's that day but I didn't even appear in the airport to wish her goodbye.

Niko said that when she left she wasn't in a good state and this made me feel even more guilty.

In some way I've regretted what I did. Something inside me tells me that I should have gone there that day. That I should have really supported her by being there, showing her that I care, that I love her and show her that I'm not an stupid, selfish person but that's exactly what I am.

I cared more about myself and not her. I hurt her for one more time. I'm probably the worst boyfriend in the world and she doesn't deserve that.
I treated her bad with the behavior that I showed. She just wanted both of us to be happy and wanted to accomplish her dream.

I'm such an idiot

But even if this part inside me has regretted everything, there is the biggest part of me that just wants to see her for one more time, talk with her and explain her in person why I did everything and tell her again how much I love her but I'm not sure if she wants to see me ever again and I'm scared that she hates me

We got in the new year and she didn't even text me something. I wished her a happy new year but there was no response.
Even if I said that it was better for us to take a small break I still kept texting her in a daily basis, which made what I did even worse because there was no point of doing so

All those days I've been getting her news from Niko, who surprisingly is still talking to be and hasn't blocked me from everywhere.

He still remains supportive and tries to find a way to make me realize that I should try harder if I want her to respond to me and if I don't want to lose her then I should do something that will work and really fast

I don't know what I'm supposed to do though. She doesn't even answer on my texts.
I'm sure that she hates me. I lost her and why?
Because I'm stupid, that took a decision that hurt both of us thinking that it was for our good.

Now I'm anxious for her because today she's getting some results of her first exams and I don't know how she had been doing with the topic of her studies. 

Of course Niko will be the one to inform me again about it since she won't answer if I call her.

What I want to know is what is she thinking about me now. How do I seem in her eyes now?
Am I still the person that she used to love, that wants him to be her partner for the rest of her life or am I the person that she hates the most and doesn't want to see ever again, because of what I did.

Only if I could know what is going on inside her mind now or if I still have a change or if I lost her forever

A message that came in my phone made me get up from the bed that I've been lying in for the past week and walk in the kitchen to check who was messaging me.