Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

I Don't Want To Hurt You

November 2020, Helsinki

It's been one whole week since we found out that we will be parents.
It still feels so unreal and i can't believe it.

Thankfully Kristy doesn't seem to have a bad pregnancy for now.
She doesn't throw up really often and i hope that she won't suffer a lot.
The first three months are the hardest ones.

Only one week since i got the news and I'm already really protective over her and what she does.
I don't allow her to do a lot around the house cause i don't want her to get tired or anything.
I've bought books that write about pregnancy and what mom's should do for her and i also have gotten something that is made for future dad's.

I usually didn't like reading but this book will probably be my favourite especially those months, until we get that little person among us.

We haven't told anything to anyone else except of Niko and Minna that already know.
We plan to reveal everything tonight once we get on the studio though.
We know that we won't be able to hide it for too long.

As days go by the happier i get with the idea of having a baby but i also stress even more.
So many new responsibilities coming and so many things will change in our life but I'm trying to be positive at least that's what I'm trying to show to Kristy, i can stress and worry as much as i want but i will never show it to her and i hate myself because yesterday she lost her sleep because of me and she realized that I'm worried from now for every little detail.

We had gone early at bed because we had a pretty tiring day at studio and her at work, even if i told her that she could stop her work because she doesn't need to push and tire herself but all she said is that it's too early for her to leave and that she can control it.
I trust her in this, she knows better when she's tired and when she needs to stop.

We spend sometime chatting before wishing goodnight to each other and as always i couldn't get some sleep or peace and my thoughts were running around like crazy, especially those last days after the news about the baby I'm overthinking everything.
That's why when i thought that she was asleep i got up from the bed and walked to the balcony.

I felt like i needed some fresh air, my thoughts were choking me in some way.
All the had thoughts and possibilities about the baby came to my mind tonight and it didn't help me.

I kept thinking about all the new things that we need to learn, the tiring days and nights that we will have to go through, the baby food that we will have to make at 4 am, all the crying and everything that sounded bad came to my mind tonight and i didn't feel okay with it.

All the previous nights I've been thinking about the good memories that we will make with the baby, the things that I'm going to learn to him or her, the nice walks that we will have, the small laughs or that i will have Kristy's mini version are from the good thoughts and the good ones thankfully won over the bad ones but today they took over my mind and didn't allow to my mind to relax for a bit.

I looked at the view from my balcony and put on my sweater.
It was pretty cold and actually some days ago it had snowed a lot and the ice was still there.

I looked at the dark sky and inhaled the cold air.
I pushed my hair out of my face since they kept getting on my way and it annoyed me even more.

I closed my eyes and tried to imagine how she or he will look.
I would prefer a daughter i can't lie.
That's why I tried to imagine a little girl, she will have Kristy's beautiful eyes and smile.
She could have brunette or blonde hair.
She would wear those small cute dresses and she will love music.
I will learn her how to play the guitar but even having a son wouldn't disappoint me.
We will go together at karts and i will take him with me in the studio, we will do so many fun things together and I'm sure that Tommi will prefer the idea of a little boy as his niece.