Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

Surprise

April 2017, Haarlem

Kristy's Pov

It's been already two months since I moved to Haarlem and I started my studies here in Netherlands.

I also got a new roommate, Aleksi.

He is such a cool and nice guy, also we're getting along pretty well and I enjoy his company. I really believe that we will be good friends in the future.

He also helped me around the town and in the university by showing me everything that I would need. He helps in the house too, with the cleaning and cooking and I have to admit that he is a good cooker. Also he respects my space, he never enters my room without knocking.
Niko agreed with everything about Aleksi and also believes that I made the best decision by moving here.

He stayed with me the first week, to help me and in case something happened since I didn't know the place but also Aleksi so it would be better if I had someone.

The hardest part of my decision was saying goodbye to Joel.
We were in our best when this email came, we still are but living apart for this long, isn't easy and I definitely don't enjoy this.

We are talking everyday, in calls, FaceTime and messages but this will never be the same as seeing the other in person.

I haven't hugged him for two months, I haven't felt him close to me for this long, more than sixty days since I spend hours in his arms, in bed, talking about music, chatting about what is going through our minds and what we want for our future. Spending nights playing with his hair and whispering caring words because he couldn't sleep for another night, because he was anxious  about something or too excited. I didn't know what he was going through until the second night that we slept together when for some reason I woke up and the bed was empty and he wasn't there so I went to check and he was sitting in the living room, infront of the TV even if he hasn't opened it, he was just looking in the black screen. When he saw me he apologized for waking me up and made me walk back in bed, I didn't leave without him though.
So when  we went back I wanted to talk with him, it actually took him some minutes to decide if he will open his heart to me again. He did and what he said came unexpected. He has been diagnosed with ADHD since he was a young kid, he has insomnia that obviously doesn't help him and all his pessimistic and stressful thoughts keep him awake, that night after spending  an hour by chatting then he managed to fall asleep.  Most of times that we slept together it had became a habit for him to lay his head on my chest and keep his hands around me, it seems like it helps him relax.

Those things and a lot more are what I miss. I crave for him, I miss everything on him. I don't know how I copy with all of this and how I manage to get through everything without Joel but what I know is that it is really hard. Also knowing that he is probably been spending so many sleepless nights this two months is breaking me. He needs rest but never gets it, not If he hasn't someone to tell him so or to help him. I just hope that today everything will be better for both of us and I'm sure it will.

What I miss the most is his eyes. Staring at his eyes from my screen isn't the same than having them infront of me. Only some inches away, feeling our breaths on each other's faces but still not moving a single centimeter because we enjoy the peaceful silence.

I never expected that I would develop such feelings for a man. I could maybe like someone but only this and I never dared to get into relationships.
I didn't want to get my heart broken, it would take me too long to pick every piece and I would have to do it alone.

I hope that Joel feels something like the thing that I do.
I don't want to lose this man and I want our relationship to work out. I don't know how we will make it but I will do my best to keep us both happy.