Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

Always Yours

January 2018, Netherlands

It took me a while to take a decision about how I should try to explain everything to Kristy and to be more specific it took me two whole days to understand that I should book a ticket for Netherlands and go find her.

It's definitely better to try to talk to her face to face than just keep trying to contact her through the phone and just end up two months later with a reply that we are breaking up for real and forever.

Maybe she doesn't want to face me or she will slam the door in my face when she sees me and that's my biggest fear and why I over thought this much about it but if I don't try then I'll lose everything without giving it a try.

I prepared a lot of this the day that I arrived in Amsterdam and I've been staying in a hotel since yesterday.
I still need some courage to take a taxi and go to Haarlem.

I thought about calling Aleksi and letting him know that I'm here and explain him my plan but then I remembered that Kristy has probably said to him everything that I said about him when I was arguing with her and I feel so guilty about it, that I don't really know if I should face him and that's a reason why I'm not already infront of their apartment door.

I don't know if he would like to see me either and if he's mad at me I won't blame him, he got his right too.
After all the things that I said and after blaming him for no reason.
I should really apologize to him too after clearing things out with Kristy.

Niko has been telling me the whole morning through the phone that I should go there in the afternoon and maybe this is the thing that I will do.

There is no point of thinking it again and again since I'm already in Netherlands, only one hour away from her and after preparing so many things for her, there is no way back and I don't want to go back.

I want to get Kristy back to me. All those nights and days that we haven't talked have been so hard to get by, and if I didn't have Niko to get her news I don't know if I would be able to make it out.

During those days I realized so many things.
First of all that I was so stupid because I left her alone but I also understood how much she means to me and how I will never stop loving her and caring about her.

She's the light that I will always need in the darkness of my life.
Only if I can make her mine again and I'm not too late.

What if she has gotten over me? What If Niko was saying all of this because he just wants us together.
What if she actually doesn't care about me anymore?
So many negative thoughts are controlling my mind that are slowly driving me insane.

While I was scrolling through my social media trying to get my mind off the things I got a message from Niko saying that I should go in the cafeteria of the hotel because someone is there.

Did he come here to help me?
Did he tell Kristy and she's here?
No that would destroy my plan...
But she wouldn't come to find me right? Why would she? I'm the one that fucked up everything

I wore my shoes quickly and went out of my room.
I took the stairs since I didn't have the patience to wait for the elevator.

I walked through some corridors and then went into the area of the café of the hotel.
I looked around so I could spot a familiar face and as soon as I walked further I saw him sitting in on of the tables with a coffee in his hands.

What is Aleksi doing here?

I walk closer and after some seconds I was standing infront of him.
He showed me with his hand the free seat and I just sat down without speaking.