Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

Dark Side

    October 2016, Oulu

One whole hour has passed since we arrived in the hospital. Kristy has been sleeping for the last thirty minutes so Joonas drove Niko at home so he can get her some clothes and things that she's gonna need the days that she's gonna spend in this room.

I stayed behind. I couldn't leave her alone and even if I had to, I wouldn't. I'm gonna stay by her side no matter what.
I was sitting the whole time in the chair next to her bed, holding her hand. I didn't want to leave it, also the others would be here soon. It wouldn't take a lot and we called Olli and Tommi too.
They would get here in the afternoon since we told them that she's fine and that actually she's sleeping now, so it's better if we don't stay all there at the same time.

I really traveled to another world when I heard from Joonas that she's in the hospital. My heart missed so many beats. I got so scared. I care about Kristy and I care a lot that I don't know if this is good.

I'm afraid to show my love again. Johanna brought me so many fears. She really did cause me such traumas that will be so difficult to overcome but what if again I'm wrong and Kristy isn't the right person to help me get over my demons? As my mom always said I should live the moment and the present to the fullest but I can't just do this. I'm scared of what's gonna follow. I want to be sure about my future. I don't want to walk to the unknown it terrifies me. I love Kristy. I can't lie to myself about this. It's been almost a year since we got to know eachother and I remember our first day. I found her annoying and I kept this state of mind for some time.

Until I get to know what an amazing person she is but I can't shake of my mind the fear of falling apart again. She's obviously not like Johanna. Those things are shown from the beginning but if I show what my heart has for Kristy. If I allow to me to love her more than anything. If we get together and something happens in the end? There's not only the thought of breaking up but so many things can happen that I'm scared to even think of.

On the one side I want to be with her. I want to enjoy my life with Kristy. We are so young and have so much time infront of us that we can use to create so many beautiful memories. But on the other side. The dark side, I feel that I'm gonna give everything to her and get nothing back or get too much from her that I won't be able to afford back. I'm not talking for money but emotions. I don't know if after I've went through if I will be able to show Kristy the love that she deserves. I want to and I really want to try but I'm afraid that maybe I won't make it and I will fail to make her happy.

I suddenly felt her squeezing my hand. Waking me from all the thoughts. I looked up and she was already looking at me.

"Where are the others?" She asked me while she was looking around

"Back home to bring you some clothes" i smiled at her and placed my other hand on top of hers

She tried to move up but didn't manage to. The pain was too much and didn't allow her. She has to lay to bed for some days and do nothing. Some people like this but If I was in this state I would get up after some hours even if I would feel pain. I can't handle laying in a bed or in a couch the whole day and doing nothing. Like some people that are lazy to even move from their living room to their kitchen and just spend their whole day or life by watching trash on the TV and drinking alcohol.

"Come on now, I need to get up. I can't stay here forever" she groaned annoyed when I stopped her from getting up for a third time in only five minutes. It's been only some hours since what happened. She can't get up and walk around like nothing happened.

"You need to rest. End of discussion" I fixed her sheet and sat back in the chair that I've been sitting the whole time.

She held her hand out and I gave her mine to hold it.