Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

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   June 2016, Oulu

When I drove Kristy back in Niko's house I immediately went in my apartment.

It was twelve by now and that was pretty early for Johanna so she probably is still at home and this is when the big chat has to happen.

I must make her understand that she really needs help and that this is what they will do in the clinic and the most serious part. We can't be together anymore, it's not possible and even if she gets better and finds herself after going on the clinic there's no hope for us. I will always live with the fear that she's gonna lose control again and everything will be even worse and I really want to get out of all this toxic shit plus that my feelings are gone.

I don't feel anything towards Johanna. I just want her to be fine and make sure that they're gonna treat her right there.
She did a lot things that hurt me and both us but I think that most of times she didn't have control. She's nothing than a poor sick soul. She has problems that need to be solved and unfortunately i can't do this anymore.

The only thing I want and wish is that she's not gonna make it even harder and that things will get to it's place soon and easily. I want her to accept what I'm doing because it's for everyone's good and especially hers.
It doesn't mean that I don't care about her because I want to close her in a phycologic clinic it's exactly the opposite. Just because we've had so many bad moments it doesn't mean that we didn't share good memories and that I completely hate her. I want her to be okay again and understand that I don't want to hurt her.

I'm feeling so anxious, I'm so worried for what's gonna really happen when I ask her to break up and then tell her about the clinic.

Soon I was at home and when I entered the living room she was there and she looked like she was waiting for me

"We have to talk" I took my jacket off and went to sit there

The closer I was getting it was like the words were getting stuck in my throat and they couldn't get out. I don't know how I should start

"I was going to say the same" she crossed her hands and now I was way too confused. I looked at her and made a sign that she can start first

"I'm not going in the clinic Joel"

What the hell did she just say? I didn't say a word how did she find out? What's happening for real here?

"What do you mean?" I was trying to play it innocent and confused

I still can't understand how she already knows.

"Where have you been today Joel?" she got up and looked at me with a smirk in her face

No car was following us, so how could she find out? Who told her?
I fucking knew that we shouldn't have trusted that doctor. He is the one that probably did  or said something

Before I could reply she started laughing. Was she joking all this time? And I almost died with all of this and how she found out

"Oh Joel you should have given the extra money. If you give one hundred, I give two" she stopped laughing and everything turned to serious again.

So many questions appeared in my head right now. How did she know that we went in this doctor and where he was. Why did she give him more money   when he already told us what was happening with Johanna's past life in that clinic?

"How did you know about this?" My biggest question.

How did she know? We were always carefully with what we were saying infront of her and never did the research in my house but somewhere else. Is she following me wherever I go?