Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

Flowers

  April 2017, Haarlem

The next morning I woke up in an empty bed. Kristy today had to start her studies pretty early and even if last night I told her that I want her to wake me up she didn't.

I wanted to see her before she left, she will be back in the afternoon and that sounds too much to me even if I did it two months without her. Just wishing her to have a good day was enough but she was way too quiet when she left.

Yesterday was from the best nights and I actually finally managed to sleep the whole night without waking up in the midnight or the early hours of the morning.

Many stereotypes and Hollywood movies make people believe that a man must protect and make the woman feel safe and that the woman feels so alone and scared without her male partner but it can also be the same way.
Kristy makes me feel safe. When I'm without her it feels like my demons are trying to drag me down again and beat me to death but she's always there to help me, to save me from this hell that is going on in my head.

Million thoughts that don't allow me find some peace and quiet  run through my mind when I'm alone, I end up getting up from bed when I'm trying to sleep because I feel like something is taking my breath away, I get really anxious and sometimes for no reason.
I've spent so many nights in my balcony trying to calm myself and think about something positive even if it seems so impossible, especially those last two months. My balcony has seen me more than my bed.

When Kristy was there we would always chat before going to bed and I will be forever grateful that she gives away her sleep to keep up with my behavior. There were quite a lot of times that she has woken up and followed me out, she always made me get back in bed and I would lay close to her, only this would make me feel a lot better. Even if I feel like the worst person that she loses her sleep because of me I'm still so thankful to have her in my life.

No-one has ever treated me this way. No one has kept up with the way that I act. Everyone after some time got bored of me. Bored of babysitting me as an old friend once said.

I don't know if I'm acting like a baby but there are times that I can't hide my feelings even if try hard to do so I fail and have to let it all out and those are moments that even if I say that I prefer to be alone I deep inside know that I need someone by my side, someone that I trust and this person is Kristy.

I don't even know if I would make it alive if I ever lost Kristy.

I probably spend a lot of time thinking in bed, since the sun was already shining in every corner of the room.

I got up from the bed and wore a shirt.
Kristy told me that her personal bathroom has a problem so till a plumber comes I will have to use the main one.

I opened the door and it was really quiet. Maybe Aleksi is also gone.
For a walk or he got lessons early too.
I would lie if I said that I didn't like all this silence though

I walked in the bathroom and first of all I washed my face.
I thought about going out in the evening with Kristy but I don't know anything about this place and I really want to take her in a good place.

Maybe I will have to ask Aleksi If he knows anything. I hope that he is here or at least that he will be back before Kristy.

When I was done in the bathroom, I decided to walk downstairs.
Well if I'm actually alone I will have to try to find alone were the coffee is.
I hope it won't be hard.

"Hey" I heard a male voice from the living room while I was passing by which made me look at the direction "Good morning" Aleksi Said

"Good morning" I walked in the room and sat in the other couch, opposite the blonde man