Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

Sorry

March 2019, Helsinki

It's been some hours since i left from home.
I went in the nearest hotel and after buying a lot of beers i went in my room.

Kristy called me multiple times but i didn't answer. I knew that she just wanted to know where I am.

She's not ready to tell me the truth and she told me this.

So I'm just gonna get drunk as fuck today and try to forget about everything and everyone.

I was already on my fourth beer and she was still calling that's why I just texted her that she should call only when she's ready.

It hurt to think that maybe the truth is that she is cheating and the moment that i saw her walking out of the car with this man keeps replaying in my mind, the only thing it does though is bringing more pain to my heart.

I thought that alcohol helps when you have problems but I'm alone and the only thing i can do is think about her and try to figure out what is happening.

And if she's cheating ? Why did she do it?
Maybe i wasn't good enough for her.
I hurt her badly in the past and i probably deserve to be treated like this.

Even if i regretted everything, even if i was always by her side, seems like karma just returns back to you and it did in the worst way

Maybe i lost her for real this time.
Who knows, maybe this man manages to treat her better than i do.
Maybe she's happier with him, maybe he loves her more than i do, if is that possible

I've never loved someone the way that i love Kristy, and this would never change.

I always thought that we were meant to be. That we would have this thing where we would grow old together but maybe we aren't for this.

While the alcohol went down my throat and inside my mind my thoughts started to calm a bit.

I was in this euphoric feeling, where i was so lost, i was laughing like an idiot sometimes but i still had control over my movements and what's the thing that hurt the most is that even all this alcohol didn't manage to push her away from my head.

There would be moments where i would laugh because of the thought of how idiot i was that she managed to fool me and there would be moments that i would end up on tears, wondering what i did wrong and she did this to me.

I always gave and showed her my best but maybe this wasn't enough.

Suddenly i heard a knock in the door, at first i thought that i imagined it but when i heard it again i got up from the bed that i was sitting before and tried to walk straight till the door.

I almost fell twice but i made it safe till there.
I just hope that it isn't someone from the hotel stuff because I'm not in the state to deal with anything that has to do with my room or anything else.

And sometimes while being drunk, i may be rude and i don't want to say something bad to an innocent person.

I moved my hair out of my face and opened the door.

The last person that i could expect was waiting there though.
What is she doing here now?

She came to give me the final push? Or is she ready to tell me the truth?
Even if she is i don't think that i am in the state to listen to her now.

I didn't say a word, i was just looking at her.
I managed to move aside and she walked in without saying anything.

My vision turned blurry sometimes, especially when i walked but i still could understand what was happening around me, at least most of time.