Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

July Eighth

March 2022, Helsinki

One more meaningless day came, I once again woke up pretty early, it's not like I sleep a lot though.
Like every night for this week but I managed to get more hours of sleep than the other days though and that happened only because Joonas gave me again the pills that I used to get the first days after what happened.

I looked at my phone.
The photo in the lock screen being a picture of her and i, a captured moment where we both were happy and together. Both of us smiling and being in cloud nine of happiness but only some months later I destroyed us.
I destroyed the family that we were going to build and create.

I put this picture because I want her to be the first thing that I look at when I wake up and the last one when I go to sleep.

It's late now... Too late, I can't take back what I did and that is what hurts me the most. If only I could go back in time and change everything. I would do something else, we would be together now, only if I could change this moment...

I went in the bathroom after staying in bed for probably something like ten minutes and doing nothing.
I looked in the mirror and just like every morning I saw the zombie that I was slowly turning into.
The dark circles under my eyes just getting bigger and bigger every morning, whatever Joonas was trying to make me sleep more didn't usually work.
I'm not allowed to drink anymore though, if I'm the one that gets in the market then he will check what I got and won't allow more than two bottles of beer to pass into my apartment.
He would keep anything else that contained alcohol.

I know he's doing all of this for my best but I need all of this. It helps me feel better, I forget about my problems and all this situation.
Never about her though, even if someone brainwashed me I wouldn't forget her but alcohol made everything better in my mind, at least for some hours.

After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I walked in the kitchen to make me a coffee like I used to do everyday of my whole life, this time alone though, without her company..

Before even managing to take the first sip from my mug the doorbell rang.

Obviously Joonas, who else can it be now.
I sighed and rolled my eyes annoyed.
I took the mug in my hands and went to open the door.

"You're up, great" Joonas walked in

Of course it was him

"Come on we are all gathered in my apartment. You're the only one missing" he said

The only one?
She's also missing, I can't handle when sometimes he's trying to act like nothing happened and that everything is good.
No I can't join in their reality and world, because she was my world.

The world that I pushed away, because I was too excited, because I was the happiest person in this universe I made the worst mistake of all time

I killed what we had, it's my fault, whatever the others say, to make me feel better. I was the worst boyfriend to do this to her.

"I'm okay here" I said and tried not to make a scene this time.

"I didn't ask" he grabbed my hand and almost dragged me out with him.

He closed the door of my apartment, and I was in his living room without even realising it. He really took me out of guard.

He was right though, everyone was sitting there, even Minna.
Niko's girlfriend.

They are together for some years now and I'm just so jealous of them.
They have a good relationship and they love eachother.
I also had this. We loved each other. We were showing it everyday with different ways. We went through a lot and managed to walk out of them, because we were together.