Still I Can Feel You - Joel Hokka

It's Been A Year

"Joel come on" that is Niko.

My band mate and best friend. We've known each other for more than a decade and really have a strong relationship.

Right know he's trying to make me leave my apartment and go somewhere with him. I don't know what he's planning and I actually don't want to know.

I just looked at him and I knew that with my look he understood that I wanted to say a big no

Joonas was also here. Our guitarist and my neighbor.

We're also best friends or how Niko calls us old married couple. I don't know how he came up with this.

The blonde man was getting more in my nerves since he was visiting me everyday trying to convince me to go out and have fun.

It's been a tough year and the thing that we had no gigs because of this corona situation was annoying and it really hurt but we all know that this was not the main reason why I didn't want to leave my house or go out.

It's been six months since I went in the studio and that meant that this time I was in a bad shape. Music meant everything to me. Like they did....

All my band mates, friends or family were calling everyday or visiting trying to make me at least go in the studio.

Some times I also wondered if I would feel any better If I went there, if I went out and saw people but, I never dared to do it.

I've wrote so many songs all this year that I spend here. And still I didn't show anything to them.

This band means a lot to me, let's not forget I was the one with the idea to create it and now I'm here not helping the others with the upcoming album even if they've begged me to go at least once.

"It's been a year Joel" Joonas who was getting all the empty beer bottles from the floor said

"Nothing changed. Still feels like the first day" I closed my eyes and felt my heart aching

It was hard and also opening to someone was even more harder. I remember it took me almost five months to talk to a human being and then when I dared to speak it was Joonas The one that made me to.

He listened to me, he said that he understood how I felt but he did not.
No one can understand me this time

"Please come in the studio we need you" Niko sat next to me

Maybe I would go one day but this wouldn't happen today and not tomorrow or any soon.

I'm not ready, I can't face reality and I prefer being here with all this alcohol by myself.

"You're all doing perfectly fine" I said to him

"Joel Hokka get the fuck up and come with us" Joonas made me sit up but I just went to sit in the smaller sofa next to us.

"Just because it's been a year it doesn't mean I'm fine. Now leave my house and let me alone" I stood up but couldn't stand steady after how much alcohol my organism has reseaved

They said I needed help. Maybe meet a phycologist would really help in this situation as Joonas kept saying.

I don't need a doctor. I'm not sick, I just want to be alone and live here.

"You're still blaming yourself?" Niko made me sit and talked calmly

Niko was really used in my behavior just like Joonas but the brunnete singer always managed to stay calm and talk nicely instead of Joonas who end up shouting because I didn't want to leave my room.

"Of course. It was my fault guys" I lifted the bottle of beer in my lips but unfortunately it has no more inside and with the look Joonas was giving me I didn't dare to get up to go for another

This year changed everyone. Joonas really wasn't like this, he used to be the the most happy person in the world who enjoyed going to parties more than anyone. Now he hasn't been to one for over than a year and I really wished that it was because the corona virus or the quarantine we went through.

"We've said a hundred times that it was not. If something is meant to be then it will happen. Stop blaming yourself Joel please" how easy they make it to sound

Stop blaming yourself Joel.

How many times I've heard this phrase this year and from how many people. But still nothing changed my mind and I will never stop blaming my self for what happened.

"Did you think about going in the physiologist?" The blonde now sat with us

"I actually thought about it but no" I refused. I don't need help from a professional. They know nothing about me or what I went through and they gonna treat me like I'm the victim.

"Why not? Joel you're the one saying that you keep dreaming of them" I did and Goddamn the moment I did talk about it to you guys.

What I want is my friends and family to stand by me and no doctor can help. I'm standing here alive and without their help so why to there? They're gonna fill me with pills and things I have to do and think.

I don't want to think about what they will say to me. I want to control my mind by myself and not have someone else in there

"Who said that I want the dreams to go away?" Now I got up and went to grab another beer not caring about Joonas

"You look miserable, If you don't allow us to help at least try to help yourself"

I did look like this but I didn't mind at all. My appearance was the last thing I cared about now. Back then it meant a lot but now. Nothing doesn't matter anymore.

My eyes looked so red that Aleksi kept saying that I was scaring people this way. Not like someone would see me but whatever.

And as Niko said. I need to help myself.

I'm trying mate, but it's fucking hard. For them it's easier but no-one will ever understand me or feel what I feel. I've been blaming myself for over a year now and they just want me to go out and act like a happy and normal person again.

"In a week it will officially be a year since what I did" I lifted my head disappointed with me

"Time passed really fast but please remember you got us and your family that care for you and also you got a band that needs you" Joonas Said and I just hugged them

The both returned the hug and I can't lie that this made me feel better. For now at least. I hope I'm gonna make it out alive

*Author's note
First chapter of the new story.
As y'all see this is something different and we're having Joel's side and that's what we will have most of the time.
That's something really different from the things I'm used on writing so forgive me for any mistakes.
I haven't finished yet the Niko story but I'm gonna try to update both stories regularly.
Hope you like it!
Enjoy 🖤