a week later, we were all sitting with the doctor waiting to hear what she had to say.
"justin has given me permission to discuss his treatment and diagnosis with you." the doctor began. "i'm afraid i have some difficult news to share. justin has tested positive for HIV-1. and based on his symptoms, we believe... it has progressed to AIDS." she informed us.
"oh my god." i said, shaking, tears coming down my face.
"how... how is that possible?" matt asked. "he had the flu. he's been tired."
"well, HIV has a long period of latency after infection, which means that justin may not have shown any symptoms for a long time. with his IV drug use and extended periods of homelessness, this would have made him more susceptible to rapid progression. and according to his records, he was never tested." the doctor replied.
"how was he never tested?" lanie asked. "we got him the best GP. he had a complete physical."
"testing requires patient consent. it's not uncommon for a young man with a history of IV drug use and sex work to avoid testing." the doctor replied.
"i'm sorry, sex work?" clay asked.
"justin never spoke to you about the time he spent homeless?" she asked clay.
"he didn't tell anyone but me." i said, still crying. clay grabbed my hand and held it.
"the pneumocystis pneumonia has an indolent presentation, which means that the symptoms develop slowly over some weeks, and there was the late diagnosis. there is also a neurological infection. a fungal meningitis that has not advanced quite so far, but is pervasive."
"he's... he's my husband. we have a daughter and i'm pregnant." i told her.
"you and your daughter will have to get tested—"
"no, only me. my daughter isn't biologically his. but this baby is, so only i need to get tested." i interrupted. "i haven't been tested since i got pregnant."
"kylie, what're you talking about?" lanie asked me.
"analeia doesn't have to get tested? whose baby is she?" matt asked. clay looked at me, knowing the answer.
"i'll talk about that later, but i want justin to think i'm healthy. i don't want him to worry about if he infected me or not. so if he asks, tell him i said i'm fine." i replied. "is everyone clear?"
clay, matt, and lanie nodded.
the day after the doctor briefed us on what was going on with justin, i was in justin's room, hanging out with him.
just then, clay walked in.
"hey." justin said, smiling
"how is... how is it today?" clay asked.
"uh, it's like yesterday. just a little worse." justin replied, chuckling.
"uh, so there's, like, a lineup of people who'd like to see you, but i understand if you don't wanna see them." clay began, causing me to look at justin and shrug. "and i've organized a list and given time limits, and—" he continued, causing us to chuckle.
"of course you have." justin said, smiling. "yeah, okay. bring it on." he replied to clay.
"i'll send in the first appointment." i said, getting up and kissing his forehead. i walked out and pulled alex and charlie from the waiting room.
"hey." alex said to me, smiling.
"hey." i said, hugging him.
"how are you?" he asked.
"staying strong for justin and analeia. how about you guys?" i asked. charlie side hugged me.
"staying strong for you." he replied. we got to the room and charlie waited outside. "you guys go in." he told us.
"are you sure you don't wanna come in?" i asked. he nodded.
"i'll come in later." he replied. i nodded and walked in with alex, causing everyone to chuckle at the big bear.
"sorry, charlie made me." alex smiled.
"charlie can come in too." justin said. immediately after, charlie walked in.
"see, told you he wouldn't mind seeing both of us at once." charlie said as alex put down the bear. "they wouldn't let us bring in any flowers, so..."
"so giant bears. basically the same thing." alex responded.
"his name is tiger." charlie informed him.
"this is a panda." alex corrected.
"so tiger panda. i like it." justin said, smiling. "but my daughter'll love it." both alex and charlie looked back at me.
"can she have it?" charlie asked.
"yes, of course. anything that's mine or justin's belongs to her." i replied, chuckling. "she probably would've named it tiger as well."
alex and justin continued talking until clay looked over at me.
"can we talk?" clay asked me. i nodded.
"sure." i replied. i looked over at alex and justin. "are you guys good?"
"go ahead. we can hang here for a while." alex said to me. justin gave me a thumbs up and i blew him a kiss as clay and i walked out.
when we walked out, we walked back into the waiting room and sat across from each other.
"the past few days, i've been wondering one thing." he told me. "why did he tell you about the sex work stuff but not me?" clay asked.
"i think he was ashamed." i told clay. "that's why he didn't tell anyone."
"i... i wouldn't have, like, judged." clay said to me.
"it's not that, it's just... this is something that takes time to just deal with what is." i told him.
"zach's downstairs." charlie told us. "says he can't come in." i scoffed as i began to get up.
"i'll go talk to him." charlie said, getting up at the same time as me.
"no, it's okay. i've got it. thank you though." i said, putting a hand on his arm, causing him to nod.
"i'm gonna go get a snack from the vending machine." clay said, also getting up and walking away.
i walked to the outside of the hospital and saw zach sitting in front of the fountain.
"zach, you're not serious, are you?" i asked him, walking up to him. "get upstairs."
"look, i can't do it, kylie." he told me. "just... hospitals." he said, clearing his throat and sniffling.
"you need to see him." i said, crossing my arms.
"kylie, i watched my dad die in this hospital." he told me.
"when we dated i told you that my dad died in this hospital too, but i'm still in there with everyone else." i told him. "you know why?" i asked. "because this isn't about me and it isn't about you. it's about justin. right now, your best friend is really sick upstairs, and if you don't go see him, you are gonna regret this for the rest of your fucking life." i told him.
"i can't, ky. i just can't." he told me.
"my daughter saw her dad for the last time two weeks ago. she will never grow up with her dad in her life. right you have an opportunity to say goodbye." he still didn't look at me. "zach, i haven't told anyone else this, but i'm pregnant and it's justin's." i said to him, causing him to look up at me.
"kylie, i—"
"right now, you have the opportunity that my daughter and this baby will grow up never getting to have." i told him. "so when you stop making it about you, we'll all be upstairs." i told him, walking away.
when i got back inside, alex walked out of justin's room, meaning he was done with his visit.
"kylie?" he asked.
"what's up?" i asked him.
"justin wants to see you." he replied, softly touching my arm.
i nodded.
"alex, please talk to zach. talk to him before he never gets a chance to say goodbye." i told him.
"of course." he said, hugging me.
i smiled and walked to justin's room and looked at him in the doorway.
"hey, baby." i said to him.
"come here." he said to me. i cried softly. "ky, please." he said, holding out his hand. i walked toward him and laid next to him.
"analeia is going to miss you." i said, holding his other hand.
"i'm going to miss her just as much." he said, smiling.
"she loves her dad." i said, smiling.
"have you gotten tested yet?" he asked me. "you need to especially because you're pregnant."
"not yet." i replied. "but when i do, you'll be the first to know."
he nodded and spoke up.
"when i'm gone, i want you to go to occidental. lanie told me you got accepted. i want you to go and become successful to give our kids a better life. the life you and i didn't get to have. the life i won't get to have." he told me. he began caressing my cheeks and wiping my tears away. "you're going to do so many amazing things."
"i'll always do everything for you, sweetie." i told him, tears coming down my face, while caressing his cheek as well.
"were you ever upset about me making matt my power of attorney?" he asked me.
"no. i'm glad it's him." i said, shaking my head.
"why?" justin asked.
"because he's doing what none of us can rationally do." i said. "what i know i can't rationally do."
there were a few seconds of silence.
"you and i have been through a hell of a lot, justin foley." i said to him, chuckling.
"we sure have, kylie andrews." he replied, struggling to chuckle back. "i know our two kids will be so amazing and strong because they have you for a mom. they'll never be unloved or hungry or have to worry about if they're able to come home that night." he told me. i smiled.
"let's hope they don't strip at a party and wrestle with their friend in the sprinklers." i joked, remembering the party where i met hannah and she met justin.
"oh, analeia will definitely not be doing that." justin said, chuckling with difficultly.
"i love you, j." i whispered to him, laying next to him.
"i love you so much more than you'll ever know." he said to me, wheezily.
"i know." i said to him, nodding.
"you know, even when you hated me, i always knew you were in love with me." he told me, smiling.
"you saved me from myself. after monty, after jeff, you were there for me more than anyone. i will always be so grateful for you and the kindness you showed me." i said, smiling and crying at the same time. "you... you taught me how to truly love someone."
"you just... saved me. you, the baby, analeia, matt, lanie, and clay gave me what i never had... a family. i love you and our family so, so much." he said, kissing me. "and you taught me more about love than anyone. even when you drove me crazy, i was always in love with you. remember what i said in the gym during club rush?"
"you'd never stop loving me even if we weren't together." i replied, crying.
"well then just remember that i will always love you and analeia more than anything even if we're not together." he said, kissing me and hugging me. i cried in his arms until i had to tell him goodbye.
"kylie!" justin exclaimed, wheezily.
"yeah?" i asked, turning around.
"you are, and always have been, the love of my life." he said, smiling.
"and you are the love of mine, baby. always." i replied, wiping my tears away.
a few days later, me, clay, lanie, and matt walked into justin's room and saw him on a ventilator... something that had happened this weekend. clay and i were the only ones who had yet to see it.
"oh my god." i said, covering my mouth softly, tears threatening to spill from my eyes.
"so this ventilator breathes for him. it keeps his blood oxygenated and helps protect against organ failure." the doctor explained.
"how long does he have to be on it?" clay asked, causing the doctor to clear her throat.
"it's... it's a valid question. why is nobody answering him?" i asked.
"guys..." lanie began. as she was struggling to say what she wanted to, matt spoke up.
"he may never be able to breathe without it again." he said to us.
"so, like, when he gets out of the hospital?" clay asked.
"well, the disease in his lungs is quite advanced. and we're also starting to see advanced neurological symptoms. the goal is to keep him as comfortable as possible and manage the symptoms as best as we can." the doctor began. as i ran out of the room, lanie ran after me, then clay ran out, causing matt to chase after him.
"are you okay, sweetie?" lanie asked me.
"nothing fucking matters anymore! what is the point?" i exclaimed, crying.
"i'm sure there's some logical reason for things like this happening." she told me, attempting to calm me down. i shook my head.
"no... i really don't think there is." i told her, looking at her. "because if you have any logical reason why something like this would happen to someone like him? i'd be very fucking delighted to hear it." i told her.
"sometimes... sometimes we never get to know why things like this happen. we just have to try our best to accept it."
"i don't want to have to accept this, lanie!" i exclaimed. "he is my family! he is my daughter's father! how am i supposed to just move on? i can't!" i exclaimed. "and i don't think i ever will." i said, crying.
lanie pulled me into a hug and i asked her one thing.
"why does this hurt more than jeff?" i asked her.
"you and justin went through a lot and were together a lot longer. especially since you have a family." she replied. "it... it'll hurt for a while." she said to me.
"i'm probably gonna take this time and get my test done." i said to her.
"okay, sweetie. i'll be in the waiting room." she told me, kissing my forehead.
i walked to the nurses station.
"my name is kylie andrews foley. i need to get tested for HIV." i told her hesitantly.
"alright, sweetie, come on back." she told me. she took me to the back and began asking me questions.
"so i'm just going to ask a few questions and you'll just go ahead and answer yes or no." she said. i nodded and she asked the first question. "have you had sex with a partner who has HIV?" she asked me.
"uh, yes." i choked out.
"alright. have you injected drugs and shared needles, syringes, or other drug injection equipment with others?"
"no. no i haven't." i replied.
"alright. and have you ever exchanged sex for drugs or money?" she asked me.
i shook my head. "never."
"okay. have you been diagnosed with or treated for another sexually transmitted disease?"
"no."
"have you had sex with someone who could answer yes to any of the above questions or someone whose sexual history you don't know?"
"yes." i replied with tears in my eyes.
"and final question, is there any chance you are pregnant?"
"yes." i replied, nodding my head.
once they drew my blood, i walked out and tony was waiting by the door to catch me for the inevitable. i fell into his arms sobbing hysterically in the hospital hallway. he just sat there and held me. not saying a word.
when i finally composed myself, i walked into the waiting room, alongside tony and clay walked up to me, he hugged me. he hugged me and instantly, i passed out in his arms.
a few hours later as i began to wake up, i noticed that i was in a hospital bed and tony was sitting next to me.
"tony, what happened?" i asked him.
"you passed out because you were dehydrated and stressed." tony replied, holding my hand.
"why has nobody else passed out?" i asked, drinking my water.
"because your stress is more extreme and you've been crying so much without drinking any water." he replied. "and it doesn't help that you're pregnant."
"i... i don't have time to talk about this. when can i get out of here?" i asked. "and where's analeia?" i asked.
"in a few hours, and she's with alex and charlie. she's sound asleep, okay?" tony reassured. just then, a doctor walked in.
"kylie foley?" she asked. i nodded. she looked at tony. "it says on your paperwork that you're married. is this your husband?"
"no, my brother." i replied, earning a smile from tony.
"okay, well your blood tests for HIV have all come back negative." she said to me. "so just go ahead and schedule a follow up in the front when you're discharged." she said, smiling and walking out.
"oh my god." i said, looking at tony, tears about to spill from my eyes.
"kylie, we've got your back. you're going to be fine." tony told me, softly pulling me into a hug. i sobbed on his shoulder.
"justin is dying." i said.
"i know, hon." he told me, continuing to hug me.
the day i was discharged, i was given a ride home to get some sleep and drink water. once i got up, i changed and got myself re-ready, going to see analeia before heading back to the hospital. after i got done seeing her for a couple hours, i drove to the hospital and sat with justin by myself for one final time, remembering the moment i fell in love with him.
FOUR YEARS AGO... (freshman year)
i hanging out at the party for the football guys and unfortunately, monty and i had gotten into a really huge fight, so he wasn't speaking to me. during the party, justin walked up to me.
"where's your boyfriend?" he asked me, looking at the different bowls of chips.
"probably with bryce and jamie." i replied, taking a sip of my beer. "but we're not speaking, so it doesn't matter."
"what doesn't matter?" he asked.
"who i talk to." i said, popping a chip into my mouth.
"so he won't get pissed that you're talking to me?"
"well, looking at him from right here, all i see is him talking to some random girls that i couldn't give two shits about." i told him. "do you wanna talk somewhere more private?"
"sure." he replied, smiling. we walked upstairs into a room where there weren't people making out or having sex. i sat on the bed and justin closed the door behind him.
after a few seconds of silence, i spoke up.
"so how're you and kat?" i asked him.
"we're kind of in the middle of an argument too." he said to me.
"what about?" i asked.
"she's moving at the beginning of sophomore year and barely told me about it today." he replied. "and on top of that, my mom's on a drug-induced binge again."
"i'm sorry, j."
"huh... j." he repeated, softly smiling.
"what?" i asked.
"i could get used to that nickname." he replied.
"has nobody ever called you that?" i asked him.
"no, i usually just get called justy by all my friends." he said to me, smiling.
"you have a nice smile." i said to him, smiling back at him.
"thank you. i've been called the golden boy because of it." he chuckled.
"there are not seriously people who call you that, are there?" i asked.
"no, i'm kidding. but... i really like the nickname j." he told me, smiling.
"thank you. i'll be sure to remember that whenever we hang out next time."
"i, uh, are you drunk?" he asked.
"no. are you?" i asked him.
"no, but i just wanted to say that i know we got off on the wrong foot. so i wanted to say that i'm sorry." he replied.
"i've moved on. i have other things going on." i replied. after a few moments of quietness, i leaned in and kissed him, instantly pulling away. "oh my god. oh my god, i need to go." i said getting up.
"wait, hey, you don't have to go. i wasn't upset about the kiss." he chuckled. i looked at his smile and got so caught up in it.
"fuck it." i said, walking back to the bed and kissing him, beginning to make out with him.
i woke up in the morning after falling asleep remembering so many memories of me and justin. when i did, i noticed zach in the doorway.
"morning, zach. i'll let you have your moment with him." i replied. i got up and smiled. "you're a good friend."
he smiled. i walked out and clay put his arm around me.
"thanks, ky." clay said.
"it was all alex and charlie." i replied. "but zach definitely needs this."
another dreadful week had passed and it was finally time. i was the last one to get to his room, but when i did, i could see that he couldn't talk and was visibly in his last few minutes. i softly laid in his bed next to him, holding his hand.
"i love you forever." i said to him, softly, causing him to squeeze my hand. within a matter of minutes, he flatlined, telling us he was gone. i got to feel his last breath and be with him in his last moments and to me, that was everything.
when we finally walked out, matt faced me.
"do you have-"
"no, i don't. they gave me PrEP medication and i'm coming back in two weeks to find out again." i softly replied, looking down. "i'm so disappointed in myself."
lanie looked at me and hugged me.
"don't be, honey. you are doing such an amazing job."
"then why don't i feel like that?" i asked, crying.
clay looked at me and without saying a word, he pulled me into a hug.
"can we... can we just go home?"
clay's parents nodded and we left the hospital without justin.
we got home that night and i walked into justin and clay's room, looking at all of his things. lanie took analeia up to their room for the night and i quietly sobbed and got into justin's bed.
"i miss you." i said, quietly, crying myself to sleep.
when i woke up, i looked around and noticed clay looking at me.
"jesus, clay, you scared me." i said, sitting up.
"yeah, you scared me too. y-you were crying and screaming all night. are you sure you're as fine as you've convinced mom and dad?"
"am i fine, clay? are any of us actually fine?" i asked. "justin died yesterday. do you understand what that means?" i asked.
"n-no, but we'll be okay." clay said, sitting next to me and holding me as i cried. matt and lanie walked in with analeia who was crying hysterically. when i looked at their faces, i could tell they'd been crying too.
"we didn't know what to do. she has a clean diaper, she's fed, we don't... we don't know what's wrong." matt said.
"clay, get one of justin's shirts from the closet." i told him, grabbing her and holding her, wiping away my tears.
clay grabbed a shirt and handed it to me. i placed the shirt on her stomach and she instantly calmed down.
"she just misses justin." i told them. i sat back in his bed, holding her.
"clay, honey, let's give 'em a minute." matt told them. they all walked out and closed the door behind them.
when i looked up for some reason, i saw justin and he was wearing the tux he wore to prom.
"i love you." i said.
"i love you too, baby." he replied, smiling.