summary
in which in the aftermath of alec's breakup he looses himself in the grief and ends up almost killing himself
relationships
alexander lightwood x magnus bane
cast
matthew daddario as alec lightwood
harry shum jr as magnus bane
fandoms
shadowhunters
(the first part is set between 2x18 and 2x19 and the rest is set after 2x20)
(trigger warnings apply; do not read this if you are easily triggered, but its not terribly graphic. also this would never happen in the show, but in the books its implied a little that alec has a kind of depression, so i'm going off that for these fics)
—
Alec couldn't breathe. It was like a vice around his chest, slowly getting tighter and tighter until he was gasping desperately for air, clutching onto his desk in the hope to keep himself standing upright.
"I have to do what's best for my people." Magnus' words echoed through his head, slamming against his thoughts like a sledgehammer. All the thoughts from his childhood, the hatred other hunters had towards people like him, his mothers disappointment of him, all of it slammed into him. He hadn't been able to protect his brother, who had almost died at the hands of Sebastian. He didn't even feel the blade slicing up his wrists, barely even knowing what he was doing, a vague recollection of thoughts and memories flashing in front of his eyes before his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he lost consciousness. He just wanted the pain in his chest to stop.
Maryse went in search of her eldest child, curious as to where he'd dissapeared to so suddenly after Max had woken up. She knocked on the door of his office, frowning when she didn't get a reply and pushed open the door. What she saw was the last possible thing she could have ever expected to see of her son, of Alec Lightwood. He lay unconscious across the floor in front of the desk, laying in a pool of his own blood and two obvious cuts across both of his wrists, a seemingly normal knife dropped hazardly on the floor.
"Alexander!" She gasped, not caring about ruining her clothes and practically fell down beside him, grabbing his wrists in hope of stopping the bleeding which seemed to be bad. "No no no no." She cried, propping his body against hers while still holding onto his wrists. "Help!"
"Mom?" Izzy called, having heard her panicked screams only to freeze in utter horror when she came across the scene in front of her.
"Izzy go get help." The female Lightwood didn't listen, her skills as a surgeon kicking in. She yanked out a field med kit she'd hidden in his office, quick to help Maryse carefully wrap up her brothers arms. Once she was sure he wasn't loosing anymore blood, on shaky legs Izzy helped Maryse drag Alec to his feet, his arms around their necks and they quickly rushed to the infirmary. Seeing as how Max was in one of the medical rooms, they dragged him there, where the doctors and Brother Zachariah would be able to help.
When Alec came to, he wasn't sure what was going on. His head felt fuzzy, like it'd been stuffed with cotton balls and his arms were heavy by his sides. He knew he was in the infirmary, but he just didn't know why. He tried to open his eyes, but he was too weak, and slowly drifted back off to sleep.
The next time he woke up there was two people arguing above him, voices he quickly recognised as Jace and Izzy.
"... this isn't your fault Jace! You couldn't have known he'd try something like this!"
"That's the thing Izzy. I should have known. After Max's rune ceremony he's been off, then it got worse after the thing with Magnus and Valentine, and i was waiting for him to come to me." Jace seemed exasperated.
"We couldn't have known this would happen." Izzy's voice was softer this time, and Alec felt a hand encompass his own. "I just want to know why Magnus hasn't called me back yet."
"Because he ended things with me." Alec said, his voice hoarse and rough, finally letting his siblings know he was alive. "What happened?"
"You mean you don't remember?" Izzy looked up from her brother in concern, looking at Jace who looked just as equally concerned. Alec looked between them, confusion written across his face.
"The last thing I remember is hiding in my office." Alec said honestly. "I wanted to be alone. Why?"
"Alec you tried to kill yourself." Jace told him bluntly, helping his parabatai sit up. "Mom found you laying in a pool of your own blood in your office."
"Oh." Alec looked away, eyes falling on the thick bandaging up his arms, from his hands to his elbows. "I'm sorry."
"Alec, what did he say to you?" Izzy asked, not unkindly but it still caused Alec to flinch.
"He said he couldn't be with me and protect his people." Alec said quietly. "It's all my fault."
"How is this your fault Alec!" Jace exclaimed but Alec was quick to react, grabbing Jace's forearm desperately.
"I didn't tell him about the soul sword." Alec blurted out. "I lied to him, I lied to you, I lied to everyone because I didn't know what to do! And by the time I knew what I had to do it was too late and Luke had told him. So yes Jace, this is my fault!" Both Izzy and Jace seemed surprised by his outburst, neither of them expecting him to blurt out so much in a frenzied panic of words and confessions.
"Oh Alec." Izzy said sadly, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him tightly.
"Why did you try to take your life Alec? Knowing what it would do to me, to Izzy?" Jace asked, voice breaking slightly.
"I don't know." Alec sighed, looking down. "I can't remember."
He was let out of the infirmary the next morning, and luckily his mother had managed to dispel any rumours of his suicide attempt much to Alec's relief. Only few knew about it, and he'd prefer it stayed that way, what with the way the Clave reacted to any kind of weakness from its members, especially those who held claim to an insitute. Jace was always watching him, as was Izzy and his mother, so Alec couldn't seem to get a moment to himself, but he understood their fear. Alec had no idea why he had done it, but never planned on doing it again.
"Alec?" Alec looked up from his mounds of paper work to find his mother standing in the doorway. "May I talk with you for a moment?"
"Of course." Alec nodded, though his voice was weak.
"I'm sorry." Maryse blurted, startling Alec. "I feel like this is my fault. I never let you know you could come to me when things got tough, i taught you to burry those feelings and i made you feel worse about yourself when you came out and i am so sorry."
"I don't blame you." Alec said after a moment, glancing at his mother briefly. "I mean it didn't help, but this had nothing to do with that."
"If you ever need to talk, you can talk to me." Maryse insisted and Alec smiled genuinely even though it was weak and seemed forced.
"Thanks."
Everytime Alec saw Magnus, it was an automatic punch to the gut. Remembering his failures and how he lied to the man he loved. Izzy and Jace were constantly glaring at him, much to Magnus' confusion since nobody had bothered to tell him about Alec after making it clear he didn't seem to care about any of them.
After closing the rift that was allowing dragon-like demons into this realm, they were working on looking for Jace and Clary when his parabatai connection severed. He fell to the floor in agony, every moment spent with Jace flashing before his eyes while Izzy and Magnus knelt beside him.
"He's dead." Alec muttered out hoarsely, voice cracking. He immediately scrambled for Izzy, grabbing onto her desperately, forgetting that Magnus was still there. "Izzy he can't be, he can't be dead." Izzy looked horrified, her hands gripped onto Alec's shoulders. "I can't- I can't loose anyone else. Izzy he promised he wouldn't." She hugged him fiercely, letting him cry into her shoulder while she supported his weight. After all that Alec had been through the last week, everyone in the opps centre turned away, allowing Alec to mourn his parabatai. Even Magnus looked away, giving the siblings a moment of privacy.
Alec stood in the Hunters Moon, alongside everyone else. Valentine was dead, the Mortal Sword and Cup were back in the Clave's possession and all was well, for the moment anyways. His parabatai was alive despite Alec feeling his death, but he refused to dwell on it since he could tell Jace and Clary were hiding something. Catching sight of Magnus, Alec contemplated approaching him. He knew they had things to sort out, and he knew it wouldn't be easy but he was determined to do it. The only thing was, how does one go about telling the love of their life he was the cause of a suicide attempt.
"Can we talk?" Alec asked after a brief conversation that felt all too awkward on both parts. When Magnus nodded his head, Alec went for the back door, his nerves off the scale.
"I'm sorry." Alec started. "I should have told you about the soul sword."
"It's all in the past.." Magnus waved him off, but he didn't seem that confident about his words.
"Ever since our... fights... I can't, I can't think straight." Alec tried his best to explain, using his hands to gesture and knowing damn well Magnus had seen the bandaging around his hands and wrists.
"I can't do anything without thinking about you." Magnus confessed, crossing his arms over his chest, almost protectively.
"Magnus, I don't think I can live without you." Alec said honestly, surprising Magnus.
"I thought I had to choose between you and the downworld." Magnus said shakily. "But i don't. A wise man once told me, 'relationships take effort'." Alec chucked, ducking his head.
"That was an understatement." He nodded.
"You know what's not an understatement?" Magnus stepped closer, kissing Alec. Alec kissed back, feeling all his stress melt away. "I'm all for a party, but what do you say we get out of here?"
"Yes." Alec nodded, a smile spreading across his lips.
"Drink?" Magnus asked as they entered his loft. Alec nodded his head, toeing off his boots by the door and removing his jacket, hanging it up beside Magnus' before following the Warlock into the living room where he was waiting patiently. Alec accepted the drink, taking a seat on the couch and setting the glass on the table. His sweater was pulled down over his hands, the forest green colour stark against his pale skin.
"You have something on your mind Alexander?" Magnus asked carefully, watching Alec's every move. His hands were shaking slightly, and he had an almost frightened look in his eye.
"After you walked away, I had a panic attack." Alec explained slowly, not missing the way Magnus flinched. "I don't know what happened after I got to my office, but I woke up in the infirmary the next morning."
"Alexander..." Magnus trailed off, watching as Alec messed with the sleeves of his sweater for a brief moment.
"I don't remember doing it." Alec's voice shook and Magnus crouched down in front of him, resting a hand on his knee carefully. "And you said, if I ever felt that way again I could tell you. But then you were gone and suddenly I couldn't tell you, because you weren't there. My mother found me." Alec whispered, refusing to make eye contact with Magnus. "Laying on the floor of my office, and apparently there was blood everywhere."
"Oh Alexander." Magnus sighed, dragging the eldest Lightwood into a hug. Alec rested his head against Magnus' shoulder, finally breaking down. They stayed like that for a while, until Alec had stopped crying.
"I'm so sorry Alexander." Magnus whispered.
"You have nothing to apologise for." Alec said firmly. "I did this, not you. You didn't do this to me so don't you dare blame yourself."
"Okay." Alec rested his head against Magnus', hand's still holding onto Magnus' shoulders. "I love you, Alexander."
"I love you too."
—
authors note
i swear i tried to stay as close to the plot as possible but i think i skipped a few areas. this is so sad im sorry i ever wrote this but sometimes you can't help the inspiration you get.
i did try to stick as close to magnus and alec's characters as possible, but it did go slightly ooc in places just to fit the story