SHAY
7 September
"I feel like a fat whale."
Harry's laughter is obnoxiously loud after those six words left my mouth and I can't help but want to punch him in the face.
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, having thrown up the little breakfast I had out of nervousness, spilling hot tea on my feet, and putting two different earrings on was just the easy stuff. My mood is just the icing on the cake.
"Stop laughing at me." I pout, snapping at him until he stops laughing.
I turn to face the window of the car and cradle my handbag in front of my baby bump. I'm twenty weeks and four days today and boy does it look like it, at least in my eyes. The paps have noticed too, spending their time awaiting our entrance and exit in Harry's building just to get a glimpse of the growing bump, everyday since the announcement two weeks ago.
"I'm sorry, baby. You're so beautiful." Harry says, reaching over and taking my hand. He brings it up to his lips to give it a kiss, but I pull my hand from him before his lips can even make contact. "Hey, what's wrong? Why so moody all of a sudden?"
My jaw drops at the bluntness he possesses.
"Why? Bloody why? Why don't you just take a damn guess? I'm pregnant; I've the right to be moody all I want. Can you just lay off a little? You've been on my case since we woke up."
As soon as my eyes were open to the world today, I wouldn't let Harry touch me. His hands on my body had become increasingly annoying and it felt like I was being suffocated by his touch. I practically threw him from the bathroom he came in to brush his teeth whilst I was in the shower. He backed off a touch after that, but was constantly questioning me.
What do you want for breakfast? Do you want me to get your shoes for you? Can I help you with the stairs? Should I get your bag? Are you sure we aren't forgetting anything?
Even his compliments, which I usually hold so dearly to, are getting to me.
"Shay, you don't have to act like a-" I send Harry a death glare from my place in the passenger seat, my hands clenching around the straps of my Michael Kors bag.
"I wouldn't finish that sentence if I were you."
Harry gulps before nodding and turning his attention back to the road before us. I let out a deep breath as my eyes too scan the road that awaits. My anger only increasingly grows when I see the mass of paps waiting outside the doors of the hospital. It's been a month since the word's gotten out, you'd think the excitement would have died down by now, but no. It is far from being over for fuck's sake.
"How did they know find out about the appointment?" I ask through clench teeth, not necessarily blaming Harry for their presence, but also not holding back my annoyance towards him.
"I have no idea." He answers, his own jaw clenched.
This was supposed to be our day off from drama, aside from my nasty attitude that is.
Harry and I didn't have to go to work; we were working from home earlier this morning. We were going to go to this appointment, find out the gender of the baby, and then spend the rest of the day shopping for things for the baby's nursery. This is the first day off we've had in a long time and it was supposed to be special.
The paps weren't supposed to find out about the appointment and swarm us and I sure as hell wasn't supposed to have the world's worst mood.
"This is getting bloody ridiculous!"
"How many of them do you think there are?" My voice is timid as I clutch onto Harry's hand in the back of our car.
Arranging a ride to work today was Louis' idea; apparently he'd driven by the office and seen the chaos. Rather than Harry driving through it he suggested that Harry's driver, Dave, handle it. Lord only knows Harry probably would have purposefully ran over a pap out of anger.
"I don't know." Harry mumbles, his hand clenching tightly around mine as if I were to disappear if he lets go. "Louis' said a ton. I called in before we left to request extra security at every entrance leading into and out of the building." I sigh and look out the front windshield.
We're one more turn away from the seeing the utter chaos that Louis' had warned us about.
My eyes fall to my stomach that's hidden behind a loose blouse. Though the whole world knows of this baby, I'm still not ready to show it off just yet. The bump is going to stay hidden a while longer. Plus, the bloody paps don't need to have a peek of it, even just for a second.
"I won't let anyone touch you." Harry says, drawing my attention as his hand comes round and sets itself on top of mine.
"I know you won't. I'm just worried now that they know their boundaries may completely disappear." Harry scoots closer to me on the seat and wraps his arm around my shoulders before placing his other hand on my stomach. His thumb caresses the covered skin and I let myself sigh at the lovely feeling. "I wish being a pap was an illegal profession." I admit, looking up to Harry's face. A small smile takes over his features as a chuckle leaves his lips.
"Me too, love, me too."
"Mr. Styles." Dave's thick accented voice draws our attention from our momentary love bubble back to the real world.
Our eyes dart out of the car to see just how many of them there are surrounding Harry's building. They've come in the thirties and fourties today, not teens. I gulp nervously as their cameras all point in the direction of our town car and their shouting gets louder by the second. The glass of the windows does little to conceal their noise level.
My hand flips over on my stomach and grabs onto Harry's as their presence sends a nervous feeling in my tummy. We look to each other, only briefly, before Dave has pulled directly up in front of the entrance. The way is blocked and there is absolutely no way we're getting out of this car unscaved.
"Security will be here in a moment, Mr. Styles, Ms. Nichols. Sit tight whilst I assist them."
And like that, Dave has exited the car, leaving Harry and I to ourselves in the backseat. I'm glad the windows are tinted so the crazed men and women can't see the terrified look on my face and the worried look on Harry's. We watch in silence as Dave pushes to Harry's door and begins instructing the paparazzi back, with little luck.
"Maybe we should have taken another day." I say, my voice just over a whisper.
Harry had still been feeling under the weather on Monday, so neither of us went in and on Tuesday neither of us wanted to deal with this mess, so we avoided it by staying in. Today, we couldn't avoid work any longer.
"Hopefully after today they'll back off." Harry says, shrugging lightly as his eyes scan the mess outside. "We haven't been out since the announcement, it should wear off in a few days."
"Should?"
"Hopefully."
"Great, so all we've got to go off of is hope?" I question, my nerves getting the best of me.
I know that at any moment Dave will open Harry's door and we'll have to face them, the thought alone making my heart race in my chest. I can see security making their way towards us; it's only a matter of seconds, minutes if we're lucky.
"And love."
I look to Harry. His features have softened and he seems oddly calm in this situation. Perhaps he's holding it together for me.
"I've told you this a million times and I have meant it every time, I love you. As long as you love me too then trust that I won't let anything happen to you." His words echo in my mind as I watch the security finally reach us and Dave go for the door handle. I give Harry's hand a squeeze before clutching my bag to my person.
"I trust you."
"I know you're mad at me right now, Shay, and I don't really care why. I have a feeling its just pregnancy mood swings, at least that's what I'm hoping for, but right now I need you to contain that anger for five minutes. Just contain it until we get into the hospital and then you can yell at me, not speak to me, or whatever for the rest of the day. I just need you to do what I say until we get past them; I can't protect you if you're not civil with me."
I sigh heavily as I weigh my options here.
I could stay angry with Harry whilst we push through the mess of paps and have bad things happen, or I can suck it up and get through the mess remaining alive. I know deep down I'm really not mad at Harry, it's just an off day for me.
"Okay." I say in short, not having the energy to argue with him or have an attitude. Harry nods his head and cuts the ignition.
"Don't get out of the car until I come get you." He orders and I'm so close to telling him off when he jumps from the vehicle and slams the door shut.
I wait patiently as Harry heroically pushes through the mass of people. Even in my midst of anger towards him I can't help but admire the beauty he is. With his tight skinny jeans, loose fitted black tee, and his Ray-Bans covering his eyes, he's most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on.
"C'mon!" He exclaims, causing me to jump when I realize he's waiting for me to take my hand.
I take his hand reluctantly and jump from the car as well, following Harry towards the entrance of the hospital, only yards away.
We both ignore the questions being thrown at us about the baby. Somewhere in the mix the rumor that we're having twins came out and as much denying as we had done, there was no running from the continuous questions whether we were lying about that.
Apparently the people weren't too keen on us keeping our relationship from them, so much so that they think everything we say is a lie, at least in our personal lives. Thankfully, it truly hasn't affected Harry's expansion in Sydney, which is actually still ahead of schedule and unspoken by the paps.
"You good?" Harry asks me as we continue the journey, his lips barely moving.
I nod my head, but remember he can't exactly see a nod in the midst of camera flashes and reaching hands so I answer verbally. I send back a hand squeeze and before I know it were standing in the lobby of the hospital, thankfully untouched.
I drop Harry's hand once were around the corner from the public's eye and rub my arms as if I'm cold, but I'm actually far from it. It's like I'm giving myself a hug, which is great when I don't feel like being touched today.
"You cold?"
"No."
"Sorry I asked."
"You know I'm not trying to be mean here." I sigh, stopping in the middle of the hallway. Harry stops walking and turns around to face me, his features soft. "I'm just having a really bad day and for some reason everything that you do that I normally love is causing me pure annoyance and anger. I love you so much and I don't want you to think that I'm pushing you away."
"I don't think you're pushing me away. I do think you're acting a bit ornery today though."
"You can say it, I'm being a bitch." Harry chuckles and shakes his head.
"You're pregnant."
"Gee thanks, haven't heard that one before. It's not like I'm beginning to look like a whale for my own pleasure." I reply with a snappy tone, only to curse myself whilst doing so. "See, there I go again. Today is supposed to be a great day and I'm ruining it with my attitude. We're finding out the gender of the babe, so I should be happy and all smiles."
"It's not your fault that you're having an off day." I run my hands through my hair and nod. "So I'm sorry I cuddled too much this morning, I'm sorry I barged into the bathroom without knocking, and I'm sorry for being a pain in your ass today."
"You don't have to apologize." I mumble, feeling even more horrid over the fact that he has to apologize to me. Now I'm mad and annoyed at myself.
Harry takes a step towards me and places both of his hands on my belly. I bite my lip to keep from telling him to get off and simply just shut my eyes for a minute.
"What are you doing to mummy?" He wonders aloud, causing, for the first time today, a smile to play out on my lips. His thumbs brush over my bump, sending the warm smile wider.
"Come on," I say, softly pushing Harry's hands from my stomach, "let's go find out if we should be painting the room pink or blue."
&&&
"Quite a bit of people roaming 'round outside, isn't there?"
Dr. Surrey's cheery voice brings Harry and I from our light conversation on drawing blood and why it's so necessary. I don't see why I need to give blood every single time I come in, I mean I know why, but I hate it. Harry, on the other hand, says it's absolutely necessary and that I'm losing it if I think otherwise.
"Sorry about that." Harry apologizes, as if he were the one to bring the paparazzi to the hospital himself. "Can't seem to get them to back off, even for a moment."
"How's planning for the wedding?" I nearly choke on my own spit hearing those words come from her mouth. I honestly forgot all about that lie that Harry told the first time I was in the hospital. I nervously look up to Harry and send him a fake smile, having no idea where to go with this lie.
"It's coming along." Harry lies with a happy grin, our eyes meeting for a second before turning back to Dr. Surrey.
Dr. Surrey grins at him before opening my file folder and standing near the edge of the room, reading silently. Harry stands from the chair he had taken as his own and walks over towards me as I sit stagnant, taking a sigh of relief.
"Says here that you've gained five kilograms since last I saw you, which is wonderful." I roll my eyes at her viewing of gaining weight as wonderful. I've never felt so fat in my entire life, but it's a good kind of fat. "Blood pressure looks amazing, pulse is great, you are in tip-top shape!" She says, looking up from the file with a bright smile. I match her smile lightly and grab onto Harry's hand. He looks slightly shocked by my sudden need for touch, but brushes it off with a smile of his own. "We'll get your blood to the lab today and should have the results in by early next week, not that I predict anything will be the matter. How've you been feeling since last I saw you?" She wonders as she pulls up a chair and sits before Harry and I.
"Pretty good. I mean my breasts are pretty tender to the touch, more than they have been in the past, but I understand the reasoning behind it. I've got a bit of acne that's come from out of nowhere." I bite my lip as I look to Harry out of the corner of my eye. "I did get sick this morning, which was kind of worrisome."
"Probably just morning sickness, just the one time?" I nod and lick my dry lips. "I wouldn't worry, Shay. If it does continue though, maybe give me a ring. Has anyone around you been sick recently?" I gaze to Harry and nod.
"Harry had the flu two weeks ago, but he's been feeling better since."
Dr. Surrey nods and looks at the chart again, reading something I couldn't see from my position on the bed.
"Well, your temperature didn't indicate that you've a fever. You seem extremely healthy, nothing to worry."
"Dr. Surrey, if I may," I narrow my eyes at Harry, because I have a gut feeling I know exactly what he's about to say. If my jaw clenching and eyes narrowing didn't clue Dr. Surrey in to what's he's about to say, I don't know what will, "mood swings-"
"Let me stop you right there, Mr. Styles." Dr. Surrey says, chuckling lightheartedly. "Shay is getting to the point in the pregnancy where the hormones in her body are going to start taking serious effect. Every woman is different, some contain their moods as if not pregnant at all, others can be a bit of a handful. Nevertheless, Shay cannot control the urges her body is feeling, whether that be physical or emotional. I would suggest taking a step back from time to time." She says to Harry. He nods his head, a pink tinge coming to his cheeks. He probably just wanted to help. "Have you been moody?"
"Very." Dr. Surrey closes her chart and smiles up at me.
"Tell me about it. First pregnancies can be a bit of a whirlwind of emotions."
I sigh heavily and try to contain all the complaints I have raging within me. And suddenly they just come spilling from my mouth without a filter there to stop them.
"Everything he does is just pissing me off today! Yesterday, I was completely fine and then today I wake up and, bam! It's like he's done some horrible deed towards me that I feel the need to punish him for."
I turn towards Harry, feeling absolutely gutted that I'm venting to our gynecologist about how much he's annoying me.
"I really love you, Harry, but you need a bloody haircut." Dr. Surrey chuckles from her position in the room as Harry stares wide-eyed at me.
"I thought you liked my hair."
"It's getting a bit excessive, don't you think? It's almost longer than mine! I love you in any shape or form, but I absolutely hate the hair. I fancied you more when you had the shorter locks." I admit, thinking back a few years ago when his hair was at his peek sexiness, at least in my mind. I think it were 2013 when I loved his hair the most.
But now as I stare up at Harry's face, where there's no longer a trace of a smile... I feel awful. It's his hair and he should keep it how he feels most comfortable. If he likes it better long, then it should remain long. No one should tell him how to dress or how to act or even how to look.
"I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that." I pout, feeling my eyes well with tears. I turn towards Dr. Surrey and begin silently blubbering. She bites her lip and stands from her position on her chair.
"I see what you mean." She mutters to Harry as she slowly rubs my back and hands me a facial tissue off the counter. "Shay, what you're feeling is perfectly normal, just let it out." I shake my head and continue to cry as Harry simply stands at my side, staying silently.
"I'm just so stressed and scared." I finally admit, the underlying problems of all my emotions today. "The paparazzi won't leave us alone, they're constantly hunting us down and questioning every little thing. I try not to take their harsh words to heart, but I can't help it. And work, God, I used to love work so much but now all I want to do is throw my computer across the room. I'd rather slam my head against the desk rather than to sit through another board meeting!" I vent, wailing in the direction of no one in particular. "And I'm so freaking scared that something is going to go wrong and I'm not going to be a good mother or that I won't be able to take the pain of labour."
"Okay, shhh," Harry finally vocalizes, tentatively wrapping an arm around me and pulling me into his chest, "you've got to calm down, love, take a deep breath for me." I do as he instructs as I clutch onto his shirt and try to slow the tears. "You're alright, baby." He coos, kissing the top of my head softly before rocking me slowly. "There is absolutely nothing to worry about and nothing to be scared of. I'm not going to leave your side, my love, not through any of this."
"Thank you." I cry out, clutching tighter onto his shirt. "I love you so much." Harry kisses my forehead a couple of times until I've stopped all my crying and am left sitting with damp cheeks and embarrassment. "I'm so sorry." I apologize, looking to Dr. Surrey who has remained quiet in the last few moments.
"Not at all, dear. Pregnancy is a wonderful thing, but it can also be a pain in the bum. Next time you're feeling an overwhelming surge of anger, just try some deep breathing and maybe suggest that the person leave you be for a few moments." I nod, taking her words in. It would be nice to breathe instead of blow up on Harry.
"This is so embarrassing."
"Nonsense, getting angry over a hairstyle is not the weirdest situation I've seen a mum in." I dab my eyes with the facial tissue as Harry presses a kiss to the side of my head. "What do you say we brighten your mood even more? Would you like to see your baby?"
I take a deep breath and look to Harry, who is staring deeply at my face, probably trying to read my facial expressions as best as possible. He catches my eye and sends me a soft nod and small smirk. I bite my lip before turning to Dr. Surrey and nodding my head.
"Yes, please."
"All right, then I'll have you lie on back for me, roll your shirt up to your chest and undo the button of your shorts."
Harry helps lay me down on the bed properly as I roll my striped shirt up so it rests to underneath my breasts. With shaking hands I go for the button, fumbling with it and growing extremely anxious the longer it takes. Harry sends me a soft smile before helping me out with the button and zipper. I thank him silently as I roll the denim down a bit and lay comfortably. Dr. Surrey tucks a sheet at the top of my shorts to cover them before turning towards the machine.
"Might be cold." She warns before squirting a bit of the jelly on my stomach. She then attaches the transducer to my skin and presses down, waving the device around with her eyes glued to the screen. I place my hands on my chest and turn my head towards Harry, who's eyes are on the screen as well.
"I'm sorry about what I said about your hair." I whisper, catching his attention. Harry raises a brow before shaking his head.
"No worries, guess I'm just a bit partial to it is all."
"You don't have to cut it. I love you no matter how you look." Harry sighs and fixes the hat atop my head, which seems to be falling off because of the position I rest in.
"Would it make you happy if I cut it?"
"Harry-"
"Would it?" He asks softly.
I open my mouth to acknowledge the question, tell him that I don't care about his hair, that the stress in my life and the underlying fear of being a mother made me lash out on his hair, but I'm interrupted the sound of my baby's heartbeat.
Both Harry and I snap our heads in the direction of the screen in front of Dr. Surrey. A large smile breaks out across my lips at the sight of him or her. She's positioned the device so we can see the upper body, from the tummy up to the top of the head. You can clearly make out the nose and two lips parted perfectly, opening and closing slowly.
"The babe has a very healthy heartbeat, strong even. The heart," Dr. Surrey pauses and moves the wand around a bit, "looks very good, very strong." She says. "The development of the baby is what we really like to focus on this ultrasound. Do you see these white, pearly looking beads near the back of the baby?" She asks us, pointing to a line of small white dots along the baby's back.
"What is that?" I question softly, still in awe of the view before me.
"That's your baby's spine, looking very well indeed. If you look carefully you can see five tiny fingers on this hand right here." Dr. Surrey says, pointing to the screen where my baby's hand rests at its side. "The face may look a little spooky right now from this angle, let's see if we can change that."
In my mind I don't think he or she looks spooky at all, quite cute, in fact beautiful. Watching his or her fingers swim around in utero is absolutely astonishing. As Dr. Surrey moves the wand we witness the baby kicking his or her feet round aimlessly, turning slightly.
"It's so amazing." I utter, finding Harry's hand without looking and locking my fingers with his. I feel his lips press to the back of my hand as we both continue to watch in silence. My attitude previous in the day diminishes with just one gaze at my child. Dr. Surrey is mumbling to herself, something she warned us she does when taking measurements. "Hi baby." I say towards the screen, feeling another round of tears welling up in my eyes.
"Look at their little legs move!" Harry comments, pointing towards the screen where the baby's legs continue to move about. "Can you feel that?" He wonders, to which I just shake my head.
I haven't felt the baby move yet, at all. It relieves me that the baby is in fact moving in there; just still makes me sad that I can't feel it.
"Don't worry Shay, within the next few weeks you won't be able to stop feeling the baby move. At first it may feel like you've got butterflies in your stomach or maybe even feel a bit painful in spots, that is if the baby gets you with their foot or elbow." She says smiling. Dr. Surrey pulls her eyes from the screen and smiles towards us. "Have you put in any thought as to whether or not you want to know the gender?"
Harry and I look at each other. Last week, I approached Harry about having the gender remain a secret or do a creative gender reveal, but I soon got over that phase. My anxiety can't take not knowing the gender any longer. I need to be fully prepared as to whether we're having a boy or a girl.
"We'd like to know." Harry tells her. She nods and focuses her eyes on the screen as I give Harry's hand a tight, anxious squeeze. Dr. Surrey licks her lips and continues to look around as the baby moves about.
"Any bets on the gender?"
"Well Harry and I do have a bit of a bet arranged. I think it's a girl." I say, one step away from holding my breath.
"And I think it's a boy." Harry chimes in, bringing my hand up to his lips again. "If I'm right then Shay has to let me take her on a little getaway to any destination of choice. But if she wins, then the getaway is of her choice. So it's really a win-win situation." Dr. Surrey smiles at us both before pointing to the screen.
"Well, a 'babymoon' is actually a very great idea considering the stress Shay admits to feeling. Okay, do you see this right here?" She questions, pointing to the baby's lower region. Harry and I both squint at the screen as if the answer is obvious. "These three little 'lines'?" Harry and I both nod in astonishment, neither of us knowing what exactly this means. Should we?
Harry and I hold our breaths, our hands griping tighter onto each other as the anticipation races through us both. Harry's knee keeps bobbing up and down against the side of the bed and my free hand is shaking. I know that my hands are sweating profusely as well.
"Looks as if Shay gets to pick the babymoon destination."
Both our jaws fall open as our eyes dart towards one another.
"A girl." I breathe out, my lips barely moving. "I'm having a girl." Harry practically jumps to space, letting my hand fall from his as a loud cheer leaves his lips. Tears suddenly cascade down his cheeks in streams. I'm so astonished by his outburst, I didn't expect there to be tears from him.
"You're having a girl. We're having a baby girl!" He says, bending down and attaching our lips together feverishly. He pulls away a second later, some of the tears from his eyes dripping onto my cheeks. "I've never been so happy in my entire life."