"Zayn, I can explain," I said and walked over to him. My heart raced as I looked at him. An overwhelming sense of guilt swept through my entire body as I looked at him. I didn't even see his car in the driveway. Why was he back so early? He wasn't supposed to be back for a day...
Did he come back early to surprise me only to have me not be home? He probably assumed that I was out partying and drunk, which I hate. I want him to assume that I'm not doing the absolute worst thing, but it's hard to do when I'm proving his assumptions correct.
I had such an emotional time at the party and now I had to confront Zayn. I hadn't prepared myself for this so I had no clue how it was going to go. I could tell just by his body and face that he was pissed at me.
"Please do," He crossed his arms. I was all flustered as I looked at him. I had no idea where to start or how to begin. If I told him a certain way, he would maybe take it the wrong way so I had to be careful with my wording. I felt his gaze on me as I collected my thoughts.
I took a deep breath before I started explaining the entire story back to when I skipped school to help Nicole deal with her possible pregnancy. It took about five minutes to complete and by the end he still had the same look on his face. He hadn't spoken a word or even questioned anything I had been saying and it was terrifying me. I had cried when I told the story but he hadn't come over to comfort me. "Is that it?" He seemed lightly annoyed with me.
"Yes," I sighed and looked down at the ground. "I'm an idiot, I know. It won't happen again." I held the tears back as I looked at my feet. I didn't have the courage to look up at him and see the disappointment on his face. "I really regret it..."
"You said that last time," He stated. His annoyance was still evident and he had the right to be annoyed. I had said the same thing the other times I had gone out and gotten drunk. Although this wasn't as bad as the last times, it was still testing our relationship. I was pushing his ability to trust me to the edge and I wasn't sure how much longer he could deal with it.
"Stop! I already feel bad enough as it is," I said and tears started to fall down my cheeks. He didn't move as he watched me break down. "I'm such a bad girlfriend, I know. And I don't deserve you at all, I know."
"I'm not mad at you for the Mark thing, I hope you know that. You were under the influence and he...he took advantage of you," His jaw tensed as he spoke. He was pissed about Mark and about what had happened. "I am mad that I can't leave town for a few days without you going off the deep end."
"That was hardly going off the deep end," I countered. I wasn't hooking up with random guys at parties and letting them take shots off my body as I would have in the past. Even though he didn't know it, I was controlling myself.
He ignored my comment. "I came home tonight to surprise you and instead I get this. We were going to have such an amazing night and...and now I don't feel like doing any of it."
"We can still do those things..." I sighed.
"How can I trust you, Ava?" He questioned, ignoring what I had just said. "You've broken my trust so many times...I just..." I could hear the hurt in his voice and I just wanted to comfort him but I knew he wouldn't accept my comfort. He was too mad at me to accept it. He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.
"Please, Zayn. Don't' break up with me." I begged and felt a pit in my stomach. Breaking up with Zayn would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me. He had kept me on such a straight path and I couldn't imagine going back.
"Who mentioned breaking up with you?" He grabbed a jacket and his keys. He sounded angry now and I wasn't going to stop him from leaving. "I'm too damn in love with you to break up with you." He pulled something out of his jacket pocket and threw it across the room. "Maybe we just need a break." He looked back at me before walking out the door. The door slammed shut and my tears came pouring out.
I wailed and fell to the ground as tears fell more frequently. My entire body shook with sadness as I sat down on the ground crying. I stayed in the fetal position for an hour or so before I finally got the motivation to move. I walked upstairs and stripped all of my clothes off. I wanted to get the feeling of Mark's hands and lips off of my body.
I turned the shower on as high as it could go and stood under the burning hot water until it all ran out. My skin was red when I came out but I was somehow still cold. I rubbed lotion over my entire body to soothe the skin but it didn't work as well as I had hoped. Soon, the heat from my shower had evaporated from my body and I was left feeling as cold as I had been before.
My thoughts suddenly turned to what Zayn was doing at this moment. I hoped he would be okay and wouldn't do anything rash. I wondered where he was and what he was doing while I rubbed the lotion. I didn't want him to do something out of anger to spite me or something like that. I was concerned for him and his safety. Even though he was mad at me, I still felt a sense of protection over him. I still loved him, of course.
I washed my makeup off and then pulled on one of Zayn's sweatshirts before walking back downstairs. It was the warmest thing there was that wasn't a bulky winter jacket. It somehow made me feel close to him although our minds were in completely different places.
He wasn't back when I got downstairs, as I expected, so I made myself some food. Although my stomach was grumbling for a large meal, I didn't think I would be able to stomach one. My entire body felt numb as I waited for my soup to heat up. I found myself spacing out for minutes at a time. On the bright side, my soup would hopefully warm up my body like my shower had failed to do.
When my soup was finally heated, I ate it slowly in the same dazed out way I had been before. I was startled when I heard a loud bang and then footsteps. I looked up to see Zayn walking towards me.
His eyes were red and he seemed angry. His fists were clenched and by his side as he walked. I couldn't help but notice how hot he looked. At the same time, I was absolutely terrified. I had never seen that look on his face before.
"Zayn..." I begged and he stood right in front of me as I sat there helpless. I could smell smoke radiating off of his body. His breaths were loud and frequent as he stood above me. His hand reached up and gently wrapped around my neck. My heart rate skyrocketed.
He could easily kill me if he wanted to. I don't know why that was my first thought, but as I stared into his eyes I grew more frightened. His hand squeezed lightly and his lips lowered to mine. His smoky breath mixed with mine before his cold lips pushed again mine as lightly as possible.
"I forgive you, but I will be sleeping downstairs tonight," He explained after he pulled away from me.
"Zayn..." I sighed but he shook his head and walked upstairs. I sighed and finished my soup as I held back tears. I knew that my stupid actions had put him through a world of hurt and I had no idea what to do to help him. He came back down a minute later with a blanket in his hand and he had changed into his pajamas. "Zayn, please."
"Stop, Ava," He sighed and walked right past me. I couldn't help but feel heartbroken as he walked by. All that I had worked for the past few months was gone and now I had to start building it up again. I had to keep Zayn's trust and couldn't let something like this happen again.
"Where did you go?" I questioned and stood up. I walked to the living room where he was flipping through TV channels. "Zayn."
"What?" He sighed and turned around to look at me.
"Where did you go?" I asked again and he turned back around to the TV.
"I had some business to deal with," He sighed and changed the channel again. He turned back around to look at the TV.
"What business?" I questioned and walked closer. I knew I was pushing my luck here but I had to try.
"Why do you care?"
"Stop being so rude, Zayn," I sighed and he let out a loud sigh. I could see his shoulders tense.
"I had business with Mark," He stated and dread immediately filled me. I looked down at his hand and saw cuts on his knuckles that were still bleeding.
"Zayn, you didn't..." I gasped. He could've easily kicked the crap out of Mark because Mark was so drunk. I could just imagine Mark bleeding on the forest floor. Even though Mark was an asshole, he was still a friend at some points. Zayn had the upper hand in this situation and I knew he could've done some serious damage.
"So you didn't want me to beat up the kid who took advantage of you?" He stood up and turned around to me. His chest was rising and falling at a fast rate. I was agitating him a lot but he had no right to beat Mark up without at least telling me first. He could've lost his job if anyone ever found out.
"It wasn't your business to deal with. I can deal with Mark by myself."
"Oh, shut up!" He said loudly, startling me. "I did what I had to do to protect you. I did it I don't want him getting any other ideas." He paused before resuming. "Why do you even care about him? Shouldn't you be more concerned with me?"
"I am, Zayn. It's just-"
"Just what? Do you still have feelings for him, Ava?" He questioned loudly.
"Of course not, Zayn!" I yelled back. I could feel the tears start to form. "He's just a friend!"
"Just a friend who tries to hook up with you in the woods?"
"Stop attacking me!" I yelled as my vision blurred. "I'm sorry that I'm a sucky girlfriend who has bad habits that are hard to break. I'm sorry I'm not perfect like you, but I'm damn trying. F.ucking break up with me if you want to, but don't drag me through all hell and make me feel anymore guilty than I already do."
I turned on my heel and immediately went upstairs to the bedroom. I climbed in bed quickly and laid there for an eternity. Tears sprang from my eyes as I laid there and thought about him.
Despite everything that had happened, it took me a while to fall asleep because I wasn't with him. At some points, I was tempted to go downstairs and cuddle up with him on the couch but he would probably deny me or move to another couch.
I just wanted to feel his touch and be comforted by it. When I finally fell asleep, it was one of the worst night's sleep I had ever had.
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