Jill's POV
"Ochtend Hunter, it's me - Jill," I gulped, the air around me felt thick even if I was stood in the depths of the Dutch countryside, "Maybe you are still asleep but we haven't spoken in a few days, I just wanted to check in and see how you are. I miss you but I will be home in two days so I'll see you soon. Call me when you get this, I love you. Bye."
I put the phone back in my pocket, clearing my throat and looking at the forests that surrounded me, I hoped a walk in the nature around my childhood home would help me to clear my mind. Clear all the thoughts I wanted to forget for now; loosing the semi-finals, leaving my family soon, the start of an even higher pressured season, but most of all Hunter.
Our phone calls, as promised, had started off frequently, at least twice a day she'd call me morning and night. We'd speak for hours, I'd put my family on the phone and she'd laugh with them too as she did chores and jobs around the house. Then in the evenings, we'd talk until her eyes started to droop and responses grew sloppy, eventually I'd wish her goodnight and let her go to sleep.
Then our calls became more scattered, once a day or a couple of missed mornings which I excused for her probably being busy, maybe wanting a lay-in. But then our conversations became two or three times a week, her voice was tired and her responses were always sloppy; I couldn't understand her half of the time, she'd go on about the most random things with words that made no sense.
Now I hadn't heard from Hunter in a week, despite ringing her every single day. I couldn't find an excuse for her, I didn't know what had happened but I dreaded to find out when I returned to London in forty-eight hours time, I already knew I'd miss the peace here, and always being around my family, but I also couldn't wait any longer to get back to her.
I just wanted to be by Hunter's side, hold her hand and help her through whatever was going on right now, I knew something was. Ever since we played each other at the semi-finals, I knew something was going on inside the girls mind, I also could see her friends were worried but I couldn't read the thoughts inside the brunette's head; she often kept them locked up, ensuring the key was stored close to her heart.
But I was fairly certain she'd tell me, Hunter trusted me, I trusted her as well and that was important to me. Her and I didn't keep secrets, we were too close for that.
I could've built an entire religion on the belief of her and I, on us, and the fact we were always meant to be. I thought back to the mystery brunette at the club on my first night with Arsenal, I was drawn to her even then, even when everyone warned me away. I looked at her, I remember her looking back at me, and from that very moment I knew we'd be something; I'd never seen a future of something in nothing before, but Hunter was special. She was the one.
Later that evening, I was sat in the living room with my grandparents and cousins, some of which were engaged in a fierce game of Monopoly but I'd chosen to sit out tonight, there was a beauty in just watching them. Well it had been a wholesome sight until they began to bicker and throw threats around the room, with scares of flipping over the board and stealing money from one another. The Roord family was nothing if not competitive.
My phone began to ring, I saw Hunter's name flash across the screen and my heart must have skipped a beat, my lungs pausing as I waited for my mind to react. Which it finally did when I took to my feet and excused myself to my room, quickly picking up the phone as I dashed up the stairs.
"Hunter? Hello?" I closed the door softly behind me, trying to catch my breath without letting her know that I'd just flew up a flight of stairs.
"Jill?" She questioned, I caught onto the confusion of her tone, "Is that you?"
"Well yes, you called me," I let out a chuckle, but it was dry. It was dry and hesitant.
"Right," Hunter replied, still sounding unconvinced.
"Are you alright? I haven't heard from you in days," I paced back and forth in the confines of my childhood bedroom.
"I'm alright, it's just been busy, I'm sorry," when she spoke there was no depth to the words, it was the first time when I really noticed the tone of her voice had become completely stripped of emotion, yet filled with exhaustion.
"What have you been doing?" I sat down at my desk.
There was a moment of silence, I heard a sigh from her side of the call, "I've been getting back in the gym and making sure the house is clean."
I furrowed my eyebrows, did I believe her? I should. I should trust Hunter because if something was truly wrong, she'd tell me. Right?
"Well done," My voice was quiet, "I'm looking forward to seeing you in two days."
"Two days?" Hunter wasn't even able to follow the conversation properly.
"I'm coming back to London in two days."
I heard a smash and then silence down the phone.
"Are you alright?" I quickly checked, my legs begining to bounce up and down.
"Yes. Yes, I'm alright," She told me, "A glass just fell off the table."
I knew how clumsy the brunette was, I also knew she struggled with having common sense half the time, "Be careful not to cut yourself on it, clean it up properly."
"I will," Hunter didn't have a witty comeback, there was no attitude in her tone, there was nothing, "I'm looking forward to seeing you Jilly, I'll come and pick you up from the airport."
I felt the smile effortlessly fall upon my face, it was the simple reasons like that which made me love her so deeply, "I'd like that."
"I'm glad," I could hear her smile, it sounded small but I knew it was there, "But I'm exhausted so I should head to bed."
"Okay liefje," I nodded, "I love you."
"I love you too."
The lines soon disconnected and I sat there in the silence, trapped inside my own mind and the worries it had wound up on, round and round like an obsession I couldn't detach from. I believed Hunter; she wouldn't lie to me, she'd ask me for help, she'd ask for me to come home if she needed me. But then why was I sat there with such a tight knot in my stomach, why was my heart racing like a constant thump in the back of my head and why did I suddenly feel so nauseous?
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TW: addiction
Hunter's POV
I'd tried to stay on track, I'd tried to keep myself active for those daily calls with Jill and sweet updates from the girls back at Barca. I'd really tried, not even for myself, but for them.
Maybe that was the problem - I hadn't been doing it for myself.
Everyone tells you that it gets better, but I found myself wondering when that time would come? This moment in time feels like forever, it had already lasted weeks, the seconds all the same and the hours just as long. I began to believe that maybe this was forever and that was that, maybe the light at the end of the tunnel didn't exist, maybe there wasn't a happy ending waiting for me with the simplicity of those words 'the end'.
There was no end to this, there was no avail when I was drowning in a sea with no end, just falling further and further as the light dimmed and the truth settled; she was never coming back.
Nana was gone.
The house was empty. It had never been empty like this before, there'd been Nana, Granddad and Leah and her dog Bella. But now it was just me.
The one who'd been left behind in one way or another.
And to be honest, I didn't want company I found a comfort in the walls of my own sorrows, knowing no one else would understand because as much as they always tried to, they never would. They should be thankful for that.
Life had turned into this loop, this never endingly bleak loop, where the only escape from the harrows of my mind was to drink.
It begun as a solution, a way to be my usual self and drown out the noise, so I could call Jill and join the Arsenal girls on their daily dog walks. But it had turned into this reliancy, like food or water, though those bottles somehow had an even more natural hold on me. I was surprised at how quickly I was caught in the trap, but then I found myself questioning if it was a trap I'd fallen into long ago.
Was it good? No. Absolutely not.
Was it needed? Yes.
Everyone always said the first way of spotting a problem is when you hide it, but how was I supposed to be open when every storm in my head had always been pushed offshore? I was good at hiding it all in the past and still walking into that spotlight; it was how I'd always been.
But this time felt different, I knew when the season came I could still play my part in the spotlight, close as we were, the Arsenal girls could be easily fooled. Though this time I had someone, I had Jill, someone who I never wanted to hurt nor disappoint; maybe that's why I'd stopped answering her calls, I always saw her name pop up but the shame which wrapped around me like a blanket and stopped me from accepting them. I couldn't let her down. But I also knew once she arrived home, it was almost impossible to lie to her for she knew me too well. She knew me better than I knew myself; that was a scary thing to face in the past, but right now it was completely terrifying.
I wanted to be okay for Jill. I wanted to be okay for Alexia. I wanted to be okay for Mapi. Ona. Leah, and all the people who loved me but I couldn't be okay for myself, when I didn't even know who that was anymore.
It felt like when Nana passed, much of me died with her, she'd taken part of my soul to heaven with her and now I had this gaping hole in my chest, much like a gunshot wound, but it had missed my heart so I'd die a slow and painful death, my mind unravelling as I lost all sense of who I was while my heart pulled apart splinter by splinter.
Disappointment by disappointment.