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It felt magical for some reason. All of a sudden—okay, not all of a sudden, but somehow, in the span of a few months my life took an unexpected turn.
Wherein, since the start of the year, I felt ugly, sad, self-conscious and scared. I still did, though not as much as I did back then. Now, when the year was almost ending, so many things changed in my favor.
My parents didn't understand me, I didn't know if they still did, but I could notice they were trying. I was unwillingly studying something I didn't enjoy one bit, but now I was going to get admitted in a college of my choice, doing the things I loved. I was alone, but now I had a few people. I had a boyfriend like Jungkook. Life felt too good to be true.
The depressed phase of my life taught me a lot. Though it hasn't reduced permanently, along with my anxiety. I read somewhere, you never get rid of your anxiety, you just learn to carry it, and I couldn't agree more. I was still very conscious about myself, scared to continue with my life. I knew life came with a lot of ups and downs, and maybe I wasn't completely prepared to overcome it all by myself.
But those times had reasons. I didn't know what was I doing, and for whom. But now, I slowly understood. When Jungkook told me that "you never do something for others, you do it for yourself so afterwards, you feel bold enough to help those around you."
He told me I needed to be strong for myself. I told him he needed to be strong as well, for himself and for me. Because I couldn't bear to see the ones I loved go down, sinking below the sea of grief. I wanted us to sail, I wanted us to build a ship sturdy enough, so it could be reliable to cross every ocean, no matter how deep.
He told me he loved this poetic side of me. I had laughed and told him I used to write in tenth grade, but eventually gave up. It was just another teenage dream for me. A hobby.
Now I sat back on the couch, with my legs dangling and my back resting on the hard leathery surface. My father sat beside me, close enough so we could read the newspaper together. He called me a while ago and told me he was solving sudoku, and I liked solving puzzles ever since I was a kid. Though I gave it up, too, long ago.
I gave up on so many things...are there even any tasks left that I still enjoy doing?
"What do you think could be the next number here?" He asked, tapping the pen on a square. I leaned in and focused on the row of numbers. He fixed his glasses and waited for my response.
"Five?" I asked, scrunching my nose.
"It's already done." He slumped his shoulders.
I leaned in more as he brought the newspaper closer and I accidentally pressed my head against his shoulder. As soon as I realised, I quickly pulled back, hesitant.
I've never been this close with my father, it just feels so... awkward.
"Rest, take your time." He laughed and his body vibrated as he did. I drew my eyes at the puzzle again and tilted my head, uncomfortably.
"Oh, it's eight, isn't it!?" I suddenly beamed, and he nodded. He drew an 8 in the empty square and I smiled.
"You're still good at this." He complimented.
"It was a little tricky, otherwise it won't take me too long to guess." I said, scooting further on the couch. My mother came back from the kitchen, with a plate full of sliced apples. She sat on my right and handed it over to me.
"Have you decided which college you want to go to?"
"Not yet... I'm confused between two. One is an hour away and the other one is almost two hours away, that too with a bus ride and then a 20 minute walk." I explained as I picked up a piece of apple and turned to my father.
"Take this, dad."
"You should eat first, Hana. It's for you." He insisted but I extended my arm to push the slice into his mouth with some effort. He let out a little laugh with his stuffed mouth and I turned to my mother, repeating the same action.
"I think the one in the south is better, it's a quick bus ride away and you'll have to walk less, even. I might need to talk to my colleagues if they have any idea, because two of them live around there." My father said and I nodded, understanding.
"Hana's birthday is also approaching." My mother said, and I paused chewing for a moment.
My birthday... it's near. I almost forgot.
"Yes, what gift do you need Hana?" My dad asked.
"I don't know." I replied, lost. I really didn't know what did I want and what would please me. Birthdays weren't something I always looked forward to. It was just another day, filled with everyone's excitement, except my own.
"Tell us! Should we go out to celebrate?" My mother asked. I was a little surprised because she didn't act like that every year. This time, she looked genuinely happy.
"As you wish, but I don't want any gifts." I told them and got up from my seat.
My parents knew what I was like. They just didn't understand as to why I was like that. They were old fashioned so I really didn't look forward to any surprises. I just pretended to be happy, especially on that day for them.
As I was about to walk back to my room, the doorbell rang. My feet halted as I tried to guess who it was.
My mother went to open it and I peeked from the hallway, my eyes splaying when I noticed the family figure. My fingers twitched as I held my hands into tight fists. I turned around and pressed my back against the wall with my heartbeat drumming in my ears.
It's... doctor Kim.
That's right, my father must have called him because I asked him to. But why was I feeling too scared now?
"Hana just went back to her room. Should I go call her?" My mother asked him as he took a seat opposite to my father on the couch after shaking hands with him.
"You may, after a while." He was directly facing the hallway so I felt petrified to take another peek, in case he caught me. So I turned on my heels and quickly entered my room, nervous and overwhelmed.
I wonder what are they going to talk about...or what is he going to ask me when I face him...
I paced around in the empty space, trying to calm my anxiety. I took off my socks and started to massage my ice-cold toes. It wasn't exactly helpful, but it calmed me the tiniest bit. I tried to reach out for my phone but later realised it won't help. So I sat at the window sill, staring up at the clouds with my heart beating faster and faster.
I always get too scared and overwhelmed in every situation. How am I going to carry on with the rest of my life like this?
I always need reassurance, and I don't even want to tell anyone about it. It's so hard to explain what I feel, and even harder to go through it.
I hope this phase ends as soon as possible...this kills me more than anything. This devastation and fear of the world scares me to the core.
I don't think I'll ever become a part of this race... I'm too slow and spineless to do anything meaningful. I'm only born to ruin things and disappoint others.
Even though I try my best, a part of me screams inside my head that I wouldn't make it. And I always believe it. It's not like I feel like dying, but it convinces me that it's not any helpful to be alive either.
This debate eats me off.
But I do not want it to.
What do I even do in situations like these!?!?
I didn't even realise when tears brimmed up my eyes. I wanted to hug someone and cry. But I was alone in my room, so I got off the sill and grabbed one of my stuffed toys. It was a tortoise, the size of a cushion. I sat back on my previous spot and buried my face into it's soft fur, letting out a choked sob.
That's what being anxious feels like. You don't know what to do so you end up crying, even when you don't want to.
Weeping for about five minutes helped me at last as the fear and jitteriness started to seep away. I took a few deep breaths, wiping off the stains off my cheeks. Now I questioned myself as why did I cry like that, when it wasn't even a big deal. But a person who went through it would understand, only.
I waited for my mother to knock and prepared myself with made-up answers, so I could face him with confidence. I didn't want to fear that psychiatrist, because his aura didn't feel tormenting. But it was something about him that warned me, I didn't want to be around him for long.
Ten minutes passed, then fifteen but my mother didn't knock. I was too anticipated, I didn't even realise that maybe he wasn't here to see me after all...
I unlocked the door and tiptoed out of the room, only to find that he was still sitting there. His gaze met mine in the hallway and my parents turned around, following his line of vision.
"Miss Kim." His voice was too deep, it reverberated in the silence. And in my body.
"Come here, Hana." My father waved his arm.
I started to take slow steps towards them, the floor below my feet creaking. I constantly kept telling myself that there was nothing to worry about. But when I was around the psychiatrist, I was anything but calm.
"Miss Kim, it's nice to see you again." He said, with a smile adorned with dimples. I hated to look at it because it always reminded me of my therapist. This time, he was in a royal blue suit. He looked expensive, not like any doctor.
I nodded and took a seat beside my mother. One second I looked him in the eye, and the other second at the carpet. His eyes were like that of a dragon's. I couldn't quite manage to look into them. Not like his gaze was intimidating, but it made me feel uncomfortable for some reason.
"Are you okay?" He asked. I nodded again, hesitant because my parents were around. The last time, he asked them to move away so I could talk comfortably, and I even ended up shouting at him in agony. I regretted it.
"Why don't you speak?" He let out a chuckle. It was quick, but it made me feel relaxed and awkward at the same time.
"I'm good." I replied, mentally cussing at my weak voice.
"So, I didn't ask your mother to call you because I knew you noticed me coming in."
Here comes his mind reading tricks.
"I did, you're right." I muttered low under my breathe as I shifted on the couch.
"Would you mind showing me your room, Hana?" He asked, making my ears perk up. I looked at him questioningly, but he kept on a poker face.
He's not joking, is he?
"Would you guys mind if I go on a small room tour with Hana? It won't take long, I promise." He said, turning to my parents. My father permitted him and he got up from his seat, his long legs when stretched straight made him look more than six feet tall.
I stood up along with him, looking too small beside his huge form. I didn't want to take him to my room, but I also felt like it would be more comfortable if he asked me questions in alone, rather than in front of my parents.
I didn't look at him again as I led him towards my room. I glanced back at my mother, but she smiled at me hopefully. It made me feel weird, but I kept the door of my room wide open. He had to duck his head a little to enter through the doorframe and it made me let out an unexpected laugh when he accidentally bumped his head in the wooden surface above.
This was the first time I had laughed or smiled in front of him. I quickly covered it up with a nervous, small smile. He looked at me and then bursted into a fit of giggles himself.
"Sorry, I'm a little clumsy."
"I-It's okay. The doorframe is really small." I managed to say.
He walked in and glanced around, his keen eyes taking in everything inside my personal space. I didn't mind because there was nothing embarrassing. I just wanted him to keep it light, so I could co-operate at my best.
"So this is your room," he stood all tall, "I expected this."
"Expected what?"
"This atmosphere." He took another step in the direction of my study table.
"I thought...every teenager's room looked this messy."
"It's not messy, it's quite clean. Knowing that you're a girl, you tend to keep things neat around you. It's good, actually." He said, picking out a pencil from the pen-holder.
"Thank you." I let out a sigh of relief. I kept standing near the door, fiddling with my fingers.
He walked towards the window, bending a little to peek out of it. The amount of sunlight which entered into my room in the daytime was something I liked, and now that I noticed him staring out, the sunlight hit the right side of his face, making it glow. He was good looking, I had to agree.
"The view is nice." He turned around to face me, "quite high."
"Yes."
"So, what do you usually think about when you sit here?" He tapped the window sill with one long, slender finger. I gulped, staring down at my feet.
"I..."
"Do you think about suicide?"
He asked before I could form an answer. My heart hammered against my chest, only to make me breathe heavily through my mouth.
"N-No... I don't think about it."
"There had to be a time when you did, no?" He picked up my stuffed tortoise as he slowly caressed it with his palm.
He is right. There was a time...should I tell him or should I lie?
Knowing that most people in the town already do know that I tried to commit suicide, there shouldn't be any harm in telling the truth now.
Beside, I'm tired.
"Yes. I used to think about it all the time. But I don't, anymore."
"Noted." The corner of his lip bent upward for a second, indicating a smirk. I raised my brows in frustration.
"Noted? I don't really think about dying anymore...that was months ago."
"Okay okay. Tell me more about yourself." He raised his hands up after placing the tortoise on my bed. I crossed my arms, not understanding what was he trying to do.
"What do I say?"
"Anything. What's your hobby?"
"I don't want to tell anything about myself. The reason why I wanted to meet you today was for doctor Hoseok. I wanted to ask you about him." I told him, and his gaze dropped from my face to the floor.
"Mhm...him? You still have him on your mind?" He inquired.
"Yes! Please tell me where is he. I want to see him for once." I practically said in a begging manner.
"He's out of Seoul now."
"Do you have his contact information?"
"No."
"How do you know then?"
He stared up at the ceiling, letting out a frustrated sigh as he crossed his arms over his buff chest. For a moment, I became terrified. But then I kept my firmness, not moving an inch.
"This is about you, Hana. I'm here for you, not your questions regarding him. I want you to get out of your thoughts."
Okay, if no one is willing to tell me, I'll find the truth out myself.
I dropped my face into my hands, groaning. He reached over and tried to pat my shoulder but I moved back.
"D-Do you think I'm mental?"
"I never said that, Hana. You're a talented and nice person. All I wanted to do was help you out by talking a little. But you don't talk about yourself enough."
"I think I'm fine, why does everyone else think I need help? I don't!" I wasn't crying. I was tired of crying.
"You do need help, now that you have a boyfriend, you can talk to him if you feel comfortable enough. But remember, talking to me regarding anything that's bugging you will help because I am the one who will guide you out. It has got nothing to do with your mentality, Hana. Some people get lost and that's completely normal. All I wanted to do was help you find the exit to this maze, but looks like you're way too comfortable being lost in there. It will take some time, but I won't stop trying." He said, and walked past me, towards the exit.
I stood still, trying to comprehend what he just said.
He...
Did he just...
By the time I walked out of the room, he was gone. My mother rushed over to me as I blinked hard, still confused.
"What did he say?"
"Not much, he asked questions."
"Did you answer them?"
"Yeah... please just not talk about him now, I'm fine. Can I go out for some time?" I asked my mother only to see her eyebrows knitting together.
"Alone? No."
"But-"
"You can go out with dad."
"I want some alone time... can't I just go to the nearby park? I'll take my phone with me this time." I begged but she shook her head.
"Why?"
"You're not well yet and I'm scared."
"Let her go." My father came around, staring at me.
"But she is-"
"She will be okay," he said, "she'll soon be going to college too. We cannot keep her caged here forever. Everyone needs to go out for a fresh breathe of air."
I can't believe he just said that.
"Thank you dad, I promise I'll be back in half an hour." I smiled too big and he patted my head.
"Keep your location on."
My smile faded but I nodded, grabbing my jacket from my room.
"Be home soon." My mother still looked tense. But if I always kept on caring about other's happiness, when will I enjoy my own?
I exited the house on my own feet after a long time, dragging in a fresh breathe like I wasn't able to breathe well.
Alone time, that's all I need.
A/N
Hello.
I'm disappointed. So many people are reading but why do I get no votes 😭 it just takes a second. Votes are as important for us as views. I get really happy when I see people vote/comment on my story.
Sure there are many silent readers but it's okay if you don't want to comment but your one vote can really brighten up my day. Please :(
That's all I had to say. I'm quite happy people are still reading but I do need reviews to know I'm doing okay with my writing progress. But I guess that's all I get haha. I'm fine with it, as long as the silent readers don't leave :')
Thank you for reading <3