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I was discharged from the hospital late in the evening and me and my mother got home, greeted by silence and darkness. I was still upset because my dad didn't return yet, knowing all well how miserable I had been.
I was a fool for expecting they were planning a surprise and that I'll find my father here after I'd get home.
Little did I know, my family isn't the type to give surprises. They mostly give heartbreaks and then apologies to make it equal.
"You should go to your room and rest. I cleaned it up when I came in the morning." My mom said as she placed the bag on the sofa and turned to switch on the lights.
Atleast I have a better relationship with my mother now. I hope I don't ruin it ever again...
I nodded sadly, walking in the direction of my room. I went in without bothering to lock the door and pulled out of my blue slippers, precisely gifted by my sweet boyfriend.
I still wasn't used to calling him as my boyfriend, it just felt too awkward. Although, when I said it in my head and thought about him being close to me, it was the best feeling ever. He made me feel protected, like I was relevant to him. When we kissed for two times, I realised I never wanted to let go. I wanted to be near him. With him. Around him.
Crawling lazily in my bed, I laid down, staring up at the ceiling. For some minutes, I didn't move. I pulled my phone out and called Jungkook, to tell him I reached home safely. But he didn't pick up.
It's okay, relationships require trust and patience. He must be busy.
I decided to take a shower to divert my mind, which was thinking of the worst scenarios once again. I left a message for him on voicemail and picked out my clothes from the wardrobe, heading towards the bathroom.
After stepping into the shower, I collected all of my thoughts and tried to wash away all the bad ones. I only wanted to remember the nice ones, the precious moments of the past few months. Maybe years. I tried to get some people off my mind but...it didn't work.
When I trudged out of the bathroom, I changed into new clothes and dried my hair with the towel as I walked out of my room. My mother was in the kitchen, preparing dinner. I sat down at the dining table, looking up at the round cameras. The light on it didn't blip anymore, which made me feel relieved.
"Mom."
"What?" She asked as she placed the dishes on the table and I stood up to help her.
"I'm thinking of going back to college again."
"You're still unwell." She replied as she settled the plates.
"But...it is going to be around a month. I don't want to be behind. I will get back and try to make it up for the several past days. Exams will be approaching soon."
"That's true. But I was thinking," she paused, "why don't you drop this year and start again next year? I think you're really behind now and you can't catch up while being sick and unhealthy."
Drop...this...year?
"Wh-Why should I drop? Wouldn't it affect my academic background?"
"Not really. I was thinking of talking to your homeroom teacher and discuss about it. I want you to be in the perfect condition to start again, Hana."
She has... changed so much.
I like it.
"But what would the others say?"
"Let them spew. People are born to say something. I can't let anything else happen to my only daughter after she's been through so much already." She looked at my face and her lips curled upwards.
"Mom..."
"I know honey. I have been such a ridiculous mother since the start. But I'm willing to change myself to make your future better. Your health and that," she pressed her hand against her forehead, trying to remember something, "mental health! Your mental health is very important."
That means... I won't have to go to med school again. I can stop here. Maybe choose a different stream after discussing with them.
"Mom, you're the best." I stepped next to her and pushed my head on her shoulder, wrapping my arms around her body.
"Stop this..." She muttered, "we're not in a drama."
Although she did hug me back, patting my shoulder. I smiled against her hair and tried to forget everything, and get lost in her motherly warmth and affection.
As long as only my mom is good to me... I don't need the support of my father.
"Let's eat dinner now." She said and we sat down together, laughing and discussing about life.
At one point, she asked me if I had liked Jungkook. I wanted to be honest with her and tell her that we both liked each other but it felt flustering to me. Maybe because I was still so young, not yet at the age to be open with my mother about my love life.
"He's...like my best friend. I feel safe with him. And he's funny and smart. He takes care of me." I had told her, without making an eye contact. Because I knew she would immediately comprehend that I was being dishonest.
"He's a great boy. Very helpful and sweet. I won't really mind him making my son in law-"
"Mom!" I laughed, cutting her off. "Don't say things like that."
"Don't you think he's handsome?" She asked with a straight face, almost making me gag on the food.
"H-He is handsome but...Agh! Mom, let's not talk about him." I whined.
"That means something is going on between you two." She raised her eyebrows.
"No! I told you we are friends."
"And if I find him and you sneaking out together and doing that young people stuff, I swear I will take that spatula and-"
"Nothing will happen mom. Please leave it." I responded.
I'll have to be extra careful now. Darn my life.
"Can I sleep with you tonight?" I suddenly asked, "it's okay if you don't want to."
"I was about to offer that. You can sleep in our room, I will watch over you incase you puke again." She said and I smiled so hard I almost squeaked.
I'm going to sleep with my mom! After years! I'm so so happy.
We washed the dishes together and got into bed as my mother told me various tales about her life before marriage, how her and dad met and how I was unplanned. That one conversation made me cringe.
I didn't remember when her hands came around me and she hugged me from behind as we slept under the same blanket. But I loved it. I loved how my life took a turn and I loved every inch of it. Maybe I was smiling in my sleep, I didn't quite remember that as well.
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The next morning, I opened my eyes, realising the bed where I laid felt a little harder than my own bed. Then I remembered that I was in my parents' room, and I quickly pushed myself up, checking the time.
It's 11 a.m. already?!
That means dad must have arrived back home...
I pushed myself to my feet and pulled the door open, sneaking a look into the hallway. I couldn't see any of my parents around so I silently gushed out of the room and hurried into my own room, locking it from the inside.
Why am I even sneaking now?
Whatever is it... I just feel really uncomfortable showing up in front of my father.
I wonder if he thinks the same. Must he be feeling a little embarrassed to face me now?
Still lost in thoughts, I scuttled into the bathroom to wash up. When I came out, I plucked my phone out from the charger and checked it to see if Jungkook saw my text. He did.
Me
I'm home.
(20:40)
I called you but you didn't pick up.
So I left both a voicemail and text.
(20:41)
I hope you're safe.
(read)
Jungkook ❤️
Hey baby.
(6:13)
I'm sorry, my parents came. I would've called you back but I didn't get the time, sorry ><
Are you okay?
(6:14)
Baby...
I squealed like a little kid at that simple four lettered word. But then glowered when I read the next message.
His parents...
I remember what had happened the last time his father had visited.
I just hope nothing happens to him.
Me
I just woke up ^^
(11:08)
Kind of late but I had a great sleep!
It's okay. Take care of yourself and your parents.
I'm very well. I hope you are too.
(11:09)
No matter how much I try... I can't type the words like baby or boyfriend to him.
Why is it so awkward!!!
I wanted to hear his voice so bad but foreseeing his texts, it looked like he didn't quite liked texting much, and I didn't know if calling him when his parents were home was a good idea.
So I just dropped the debate, and instead started thinking about how was I going to face my own father.
When I exited the room after a while, I noticed someone shuffling in the kitchen. I assumed it was my mother, in the dim lighting. I pulled the hood over my head and sat down on the dining table instead, peeking into the kitchen.
That's... dad.
My heart did a flip when I noticed him rushing around the kitchen like a maniac and my mother...she wasn't around. I squinted in his direction to find him struggling to use the mixer.
Should I go help him...?
I got to my feet and hurriedly moved behind him, not knowing what to say. At the exact moment, he turned around and our eyes met. I gulped, noticing the dark circles below his eyes. Now that I saw him up close, I realised he had gotten these little wrinkles near his eyes, his hair was messed up, and he was still in his white office shirt, with an apron around his waist.
"What...what are you doing?" I asked, my voice quivering.
"Hana."
We both shared an awkward silence for a few seconds, probably not knowing what to say. Father-daughter relationships weren't always comfortable.
"Are you okay?" He asked in a rather quiet voice.
I don't want to sound rude... but I'm hurt. He has hurt me, and he knows that.
"I'm fine." I whispered, "are you struggling with something? Where is mom?"
"She went out...to get groceries."
Oh.
"Do you want to use the mixer?" I asked, directly coming to the point.
"This is new, I haven't quite used it so I don't have any idea. Can you-"
"I'll do it." I said, moving next to him. I noticed he was trying to make fresh orange juice, and on the other counter, he was chopping vegetables. The ingredients reminded me of-
He...is he making... sandwiches?
My throat thickened and I tightened my fingers around the lid of the jar.
"I'm sorry." He whispered behind me but his voice turned dull when I turned the mixer on.
"It's okay." I said simply.
"I know I am a bad father."
It's good that you know it.
After I turned the switch off and turned to leave the kitchen, without uttering any other word, I heard the front door open and I knew my mother was back. However, I didn't want to be there. This environment made me rather suffocated.
"I am making sandwiches for you." My father called out behind me and I fisted my hands by my sides, stopping abruptly.
"Thank you." I said, without facing him.
"Hana is awake?" My mother entered the kitchen and her eyes widened a bit.
"Oh, you two already met. I missed the drama."
Goodness.
"What drama?"
"Which drama?"
Me and my father said aloud at the same time and I paused, a weird vibration ringing up my whole body.
"Ugh, look at you two. Still in sync." She laughed and walked to me, pressing her palm against my cheek, "did you take the medicines?"
"N-Not yet."
I feel so awkward.
"Come with me, I have the prescription in my room." She held my arm and we walked out of the kitchen.
"Dad came back around 10," she said as we walked in the room, "after travelling all night. And he didn't rest for one second. As soon as he came, he told me he was going to make your favourite sandwiches."
Why would he do that? To make it equal?
"I don't understand how is this going to make up for his absence... he doesn't have to push himself so much to equalise it, mom."
"I told him, he said he wants to make it up to you."
"I won't eat the sandwiches."
"Why?"
My throat tightened. I gulped down my tablets for the morning and turned to my mother.
"If making my favourite dishes could make up for every time I've gotten hurt, I would've been much healthier, no?" I said, surmised.
"That's right," she went silent.
He could've directly said sorry to me and I would've accepted it.
Why would he work so hard after such a long shift? He must be tired and he should take care of himself instead of making it up by preparing those stupid sandwiches...
I sauntered into the hallway to go back to my room, but then my pace became steady when the nostalgic smell entered my nostrils.
Well, the smell is flavoursome.
No no, I cannot get washed away by this sweet, cheesy smell of those grilled sandwiches.
But I am hungry.
No, I'm rather angry than hungry.
"Hana, come eat with us." He called out. I couldn't get myself to ignore his voice, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't be rude. I was never rude to anybody.
I don't know what to say.
I stopped, my toes curling in my slippers. From the corner of my eyes, I saw him approaching me and I tried to avoid him once more. He didn't come in front of me, just stayed behind my back.
"Please."
Oh.
All of these years, I had only known my father as someone arrogant. His boldness and his cocky, straight personality were the mere things which made us stay apart. He was loving at times, but never when I needed him to. Now when he said the word 'please' with such delicacy, I couldn't help but feel my entire form vibrating with disbelief.
Say no, say no, say no.
'You're stubborn, Hana. You know he has hurt you in many ways. You know he's doing this to make things equal.'
The voice in my head repeated itself.
'Give him another chance. He's your father and he looks genuinely sorry. Maybe he has realised his mistakes.' Another voice said.
This is so irritating. I don't want him to feel bad because of me.
"O-Okay. I'm coming." I finally obeyed, turning around. I looked at his face and he looked so proud, as if I had won first prize in a competition and he was the one who taught me.
I walked along with him and sat back on my chair, the atmosphere thick and cold. My mother served the most awaited dish in front of me and I stared at it, lost.
Maybe, we are all trying to be a better person for each other. They are trying their best, and so am I.
As much as we expect our parents to be there for us, they have expectations from us too. I don't think they want anything bad to happen to us. It's simply the fact that...we are never satisfied with what we give each other.
And maybe...we misunderstand at most times. It hurts us. Both parents and their children, but it is the miscommunication that leads our relationship being complicated. We want to know each other better but we have no idea how to make the first step.
All of these emotions, arrogance, compatibility, lack of communication, anger, guilt and fear make us stay apart. I don't understand how to make things better, because, I can't do it alone.
I wonder if they realise this. They really are trying their best now that things have changed. It is hard, but I believe it will get better.
A/N
Boringggg. But do you think Hana was right to be upset with her father? And do you think her father noticed that he did some mistakes?
Yeah. It happens with a lot of us. With me too. So it's completely okay. Always give them a second chance if you believe they won't hurt you again. Being stubborn is important tho💅