** monday July 14th 2036**
-taylors pov-
Its transplant day and I'm really nervous, now kenzie and I are in the room alone and the nurses and doctors that come in have these yellow gowns on and masks to try to reduce the chance of infection.
The doctor and nurse come in with the bag of stem cells and I'm holding Kenzie's hand "so this is the magic right here. Your beautiful stem cells that you had in your umbilical cord when you were born. So we will transfuse that now, the transfusion won't take long and then it's just about watching and waiting. We need to take daily blood tests and do checks every so often to see that she is doing okay. If she gets a fever, we need to give her antibiotics and the blood tests will tell us if she needs blood transfusions again" the doctor explains all the things she has explained several times before.
Kenzie is really weak and pale, but they hook her up to the infusion and now all we can do is wait. This is day 0 and we won't know if it has worked before closer to day 30 most likely. The hope is that this infusion of stem cells is going to go into her bone marrow and start making new blood cells. If her numbers, go up that's how we know that it has been successful. If her numbers don't recover that's how we know that the graft didn't work, and she would be stuck here in this little isolation room until she could get another bone marrow transplant.
After about an hour kenzie starts to stir and hot tears are streaming down her face "it hurts" she screams at the top of her lungs and I hold her hands and feel her forhead, she is getting a fever, so I ring the nurse's button.
The nurse comes in right away "she is in pain and has a fever" I tell her, and she check her temperature to make sure. The infusion was over after 30 minutes so now we have just been waiting for her to get a reaction or not.
"Mommy make it stop" she screams, and I get a washcloth to pat her forhead because she is burning up. "I wish I could baby girl. But the doctor is coming" I coo her as she cries and toss and turn in her bed.
It doesn't take long before the doctor comes and she orders some antibiotics because of the fever, and then some painkillers for the excruciating pain she is describing.
I quickly text joe as the nurse is giving her pain medication.
Taylor- she is getting a reaction now. Fever and pain
I don't add much context, but he has asked me to keep him updated If there are even the slightest changes. It would help a lot if he could be here, but first of all they only allow one parent, and then we have two other children that needs parents too. We need to do a good old divide and concur to give all the girls what they need.
"I don't want to do this anymore mommy. Everything hurts all the time, please let me not do this. I don't like it. I don't want to do this. Maybe I should just die" kenzie whimpers and I'm fighting hard to not burst into tears. "Listen to me kenzie, we need to give it time, and I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I know what it's like for you Mackenzie because I don't, only you know what it's like for you. I don't want you to die baby girl" I say and now I can't keep a tear from welling up in my eyes, but I quickly wipe them away. This isn't about me; this is about her. I need to be strong because that's what she needs, if I fall apart, she will for sure do it too.
"Mommy what do you think it's like to die" she asks, and I take a deep breath "I don't know because I have never died. But what I've heard is that for some people its peaceful and for some people it's painful. But obviously when someone has died, they can't come back and tell us what it was like. But once your body is dead there is no more pain at least, that's what I know. But my darling Mackenzie, you're not dying" I tell her and kiss her forehead.
I think it's important to talk about death because with her type and degree of cancer it's a possibility, but for now it seems like the several months of chemo worked. That was the first step, this is the second and we are going to take it one step at a time.
She bites her lip "if I'm dying, if they tell you that I'm going to die will you tell me?" she asks, and I nod "yes, if they tell me that you are terminal, I will tell you. That's not something we would keep from you. But for now, the doctors think you can get better, and we need to remember that" I say, and she moves to the side so I can come snuggle her in bed.
"I think dying would be better, because then I wouldn't hurt so bad anymore mommy" she mumbles and that breaks my heart, but I don't want to show her how much those words hurt me. It's not about me, it's about her. "I'm here for you baby girl" I don't want to tell her that she is wrong because we don't know that, but I just want her to know that she isn't alone, I'm right here with her.
"i'm scared" She whimpers, and I hold her tighter "i'm scared too. But you're not alone, I'm right here. You're never alone Mackenzie" I wish I could do something to get her better, but that's in the hands of the doctors, all I can do is be here for her.
"The buttons of my coat were tangled in my hair
In doctor's-office-lighting, I didn't tell you I was scared
That was the first time we were there
Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you
Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too
And I say to you"
I softly sing to her. It's the song I wrote many years ago when my mom got a cancer relapse, but now it has a new meaning for me. Now I sing it to my daugther when she is sad because she says it makes her feel better.
"Ooh-ah, soon I'll get better
Ooh-ah, soon i'll get better
Ooh-ah, i'll get better soon
'Cause i have to"
She sings the chorus and it's so sweet when she does that, and she always changes the lyrics. It's almost like she does it to remind herself that things can get better, she can get better. "that's right baby girl you'll get better soon" I mumble
-ellies pov-
I'm throwing up for the second time today, I'm just so nervous about kenzie. I talked with her on facetime yesterday and she seemed so lethargic and just not herself. Her skin was so pale, her eyes were bloodshot and her lips where dry as deserts.
If my sister dies, I don't know what I will do, she just can't die. I can't imagine a world where she isn't here with us. She needs to grow up, graduate school and show the whole world how incredible she is. I've never meet someone as funny as her, so seeing her so defeated yesterday was horrifying. It took everything I had to not burst out in tears and tell her to please stay alive, I just need her alive, she makes me stronger and a better person.
"Ellie are you okay?" my dad says and come into my bathroom and crouch down in front of me as I throw up again. "you're not... you're not pregnant right?" he asks, and my eyes widen.
After I finish throwing up, I lean against the wall "No I'm not pregnant. Birth control and condoms dad. But you know I throw up if I'm really nervous, and I'm so nervous about kenzie" I say and flush the toilet before rinsing out my mouth.
"How are you on... condoms for the weekend. You need me to pick up some?" he mumbles, and I feel like I might die. I usually either have Alex get them or I ask my mom who sends her assistant out for them. "Thanks. But I'm fine. Alex is... getting some"
He scratches the back of his neck "because... I would rather you come to me and ask me than go without again. We don't need another STD or God forbid a pregnancy. I would get you whatever kind you want. I don't know what kind you like. Glow in the dark, types with flavor, those with spikes, extra slippery, the extra thin kind" he goes on a rant about condoms, and I think that I might die right here and now. "You really don't want to know my condom preference dad. That's... that's just way too much information"
"And I haven't had time to ask you. But how did it go with his... thing after the ER" he asks and I'm playing with my fingers "it's working just fine" I tell him and pray that he will drop the subject.
"Why did he even take those things? Are you two having problems?" my dad says, and I sit down on my bed and cross my legs. "Well... minor issues. But you don't want to know this dad" I say and rub my temple.
"I mean it's not my favorite subject but of course I want to try to help you if you're having problems. I know you usually talk with your mom but I'm here too" he says, and I bite my lip. We didn't have this issue in the beginning but recently we have been having the issue where he cums before me and then we have to do other stuff for me to cum too. It's not that it's a bad thing but he was trying to figure out a way to last longer, and clearly his friend had a bad suggestion.
"He... he... God this is mortifying. Sometimes he cums before me and then... you know... you don't get it up again. So... yeah. He was trying to figure out how to last longer" I confess but stumble with my words. I can't even look at him, but I know that if I did, he would be just as crimson red as me.
There is a painfully long awkward silence where neither one of us probably know what to say next. I can't even believe I told him anything, it's just way too much information for us to talk about. Of course we are close, and it's an issue I want help with because its anoying, but there is only so much a father daugther relationship can take.
-joes pov-
This was a really bad idea; I should have left this topic alone because now I have to finish it. The last thing I want to do is think about my sweet innocent daugther having sex with her boyfriend and think about all the ways they could change what they are doing to make it enjoyable for both of them.
"First of all, if it's a big issue he needs to see a urologist. But some things that you could try... the first orgasm for the girl is sometimes harder to get so if you get one before... before the penetration it might make it easier, and you can get one before he does... or he could... get you close to an orgasm before penetration. That way you get it quicker, and you can finish before he does. But it's not the end of the world to have to do... other things to finish after, it's something that happened every once in a while, but I get that it might feel better the other way. Then also for the guy it's about practice to last longer" I tell her. I'm trying to give her an honest answer, but it's really hard what I'm going to say and what words to use. I can't even use the world cum with my daugther.
She bites her lip "have you... have you and mom had this issue?" she asks and I'm so uncomfortable that I don't know what to say, but I need to suck it up because this Is clearly affecting her. "I haven't had this issue since I was really young. I think that's something that is easier the older you get. But also... when you have a new sexual partner it's about finding out how you can work together. Sex is not a black and white science where everything works for everyone, we are all different"
I can see that it might be hard for them to dela with this because I did have this issue too when I was younger, and it was really embarrassing. I remember being with a girl and then blaming it on being exhausted, which clearly wasn't the case. That's something a lot of guys struggle with and then a lot of girls struggle with getting an orgasm at all. Both genders have their own issues.
"Thank you for talking with me, I needed it" she says and give me a hug "of course. I'm always here to talk to you about whatever you need munchkin" I tell her and leave her room.
That's probably the most embarrassing I've ever talked with her about. Her sexual issues are not something I want to ever have to think about, but at the same time I want her to at least enjoy it because I know how much it sucks if she doesn't. It's supposed to feel good, so if talking with her can help I will suck it up and talk to her about it. She is also my child, of course I'm always here to talk about whatever she wants because that's my job as her parent.
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