** sunday april 20th 2036**
-ellie pov-
My dad and Viviane come into the room where we are laughing and by the look on their face, I know that this is bad. "Hi what's going on" I say and bite my lip. "They know who the shooter is. Its Rebecca's brother. Well, her biological brother. She is adopted aperently but he stayed with their biological parents. We don't know much more, but we know who it is" my dad says, and my eyes widen. She is adopted? And it was her brother? Shit.
Alex and I look at one another. She has been mean to me since kindergarten, but of course I don't wish any harm on her in that way. "Is she okay?" I ask and bite my lip "we don't know. I saw her mom in the hospital, so she is probably hurt too" Viviane says.
I rest my head on Alex's chest and take in what they are telling us. "Alex" I whimper and start to hear the shots in my head and my body starts to shake. My mind is starting to space out, but someone is rubbing my back, and someone is lightly shaking me "sweetie, its daddy. You're okay" I hear my dads voice.
It takes a while, but I don't fade completely this time, then I burst out crying and burrow my head in Alex's neck. I can feel his body shaking a bit too, he is clearly crying as well. His arms are tightly wrapped around me, and I have mine around him too.
I can hear both my dad and Viviane's voices but it's hard to focus on anything right now. All I can do is cling to Alex just like we did in that classroom.
"Ellie" he whimpers, and I pull away enough so we can look at one another. Both of our checks have tearstains, and our lips are trembling. My dad is rubbing my back, I'm starting to feel that now, and Viviane is next to Alex rubbing his arm.
Alex shifts his position, so he is laying on his back and I snuggle into his side. I don't care that our parents are here, I need the closeness. Right now, the closeness is the only thing keeping me from completely falling apart. Him and my parents are the only things keeping me together. "don't let go of me" I whimper, and he is trembling too. "I will never let go of you" he whispers to me, but everyone can probably hear it.
-joes pov-
Seeing them wrapped together like this is usually uncomfortable, but right now it's heartbreaking because I can see how scared they both are. They went through a nightmare together and clearly are in desperate need to know that the other is okay. They were shot while they were wrapped together, so I can understand their need to be close.
I continue to rub her back and exchange looks with Alex's mom. We are trying to give our children what they need after this tragedy, but it's hard to know what we are supposed to do. Ellie has been through a lot of hard stuff in her life, and this adds to the top of everything else. There is no rulebook on how to help your child through something like this sadly. All we can do is trying to meet them with the needs they are expressing.
**
I get home to see Taylor and the girls, but when I get through the door the nanny is downstairs with kenzie and aurora and Taylor is nowhere to be seen. This makes me really worried, so I go upstairs to our bedroom, and as I stand outside the door, I hear her sobs.
I go into the bedroom and see her curled up on our bed crying hard and I go over to her, climb into bed and warp my arms around her from behind to keep her close to me. I'm spooning her and holding her as tightly as I can while she clings to the arms I've wrapped around her body.
"My love takes deep breaths. I'm right here" I whisper to her and kiss the back of her head several times. "joe" she sobs and I'm trying hard to fight back the tears myself. There hasn't really been much time to process what's been going on because the children have needed us constantly, but clearly, she has reached her breaking point.
"i'm here, you're okay" I tell her over and over again until she calms down and turn around in my arms so she can face me. Her eyes are puffy and bloodshot while her lip is still trembling. Tears are still flowing down her face, and I gently kiss her forhead.
"We could have lost her joe" she says and bite her lip "I know Taylor. But she is okay, we need to hold onto that. They say she will recover, it will take time, but she will recover. She is alive Taylor, she didn't die" I tell her. Since we haven't been alone, I haven't gotten to tell her yet about who the shooter is, so I do that now and she is struggling to not sob again.
-taylors pov-
I was so scared that the shooter was a crazy stalker that was obsessed with me and wanted to hurt my daugther. It makes me really sad that something like that is even a possibility, but it is. If this was one of my stalkers that killed all those kids, I could never recover. That's something I could never forgive myself for, even though know my close friends and family would tell me it wasn't my fault, because it would be on me.
"it wasn't my fault?" I whimper out and he tighten his arms around me "My love, it's not your fault. Even if it was a stalker, it would never be your fault. I know you don't believe me when I tell you that, because I know you, but I'm not lying. You don't make people crazy and do that stuff, that's on them, not you"
It's exhausting that there is something major going on with all the girls, its suffocating because they all need us in different ways, but I don't know how to give everyone what they need. Everyone needs something from me, and I don't know how to handle this anymore. I don't get to breath; I never get to breath. Something new is always happening and I don't see a light in the end of the tunnel. I don't know how to keep going, I don't know where we go from here.
If it wasn't for joe and the kids I would run, I would sprint away and never look back, but I can't. I don't want to deal with this, I don't want this to be my life. Constantly living in fear that someone is going to come and hurt the people I love, or constantly having to worry about everything I do just in case it makes headlines, its suffocation. Not a day goes by where I'm not terrified about what comes around the next corner. And whenever I feel like I see a light in the end of the dark tunnel it goes away and once again there is only darkness.
"Joe please, I can't do this anymore" I sob, and he tighten his arms around me. "What can't you do Taylor?" I wish I could just leave the earth and find some peace, but I can't because I have people that need me. Right now, I resent that, I resent I have people that counts on me because I can't even take care of myself right now. How am I expected to take care of anyone else if I'm not taking care of myself? I'm hardly eating, I'm not sleeping much, and I have urges to harm myself again.
"My life" I sob out but don't give more details. I don't want him to worry about me, he has enough with the girls. I don't want to be a burden he needs to watch on top of everything else. I'm supposed to be the adult here, we are the adults, the children need to come first.
"Taylor what does that mean?" he says and while still keeping a firm grip on me he pulls away enough so he can look me in the eyes. "I don't want to talk about it. I don't want you to worry about me" I mumble. I don't want him to know the destructive things I've been doing recently, he doesn't need to worry about that.
"of course I worry about you love. Please tell me. You can lean on me. I don't want you to sit with the feelings alone. Taylor, I love you. Lean on me" he says, and I start to sob and burrow my head in his chest.
"Lean on me
When you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on..."
He starts to hum a melody and gently sing to me which makes me cry harder.
"Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow"
I haven't sobbed this hard in a while. The words he is singing hits me hard, I know I should talk to him, but I don't know how to tell him what I've been doing. I don't want to give him more weight on his shoulders.
"I just might have a problem that you'll understand
We all need somebody to lean on"
It's a song I find myself humming to him too sometimes when the world gets a bit too much for him too. He has this vulnerable side that he only lets me see, no one else. When we are around other people he keeps his feelings inside, doesn't express emotions like me, but when it's just us he lets loose and let me see him cry.
"If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me"
My hands are clinging to his shirt because I'm scared, he might stand up and walk away from me. I feel like I'm just a burdening his life and too much to handle. "Joe never leave me" I sob out and he kisses my forhead.
"oh my love. Taylor Alwyn. I will never leave you. You're stuck with me forever and ever. I will hold you when you're feeling blue, I will hold you when you're soaring. There is not a single part of you that I don't want to be a part of. 20 years ago, almost to this exact day, we meet for the first time, and since that day I haven't been able to stop thinking about you" he says and kiss my head again. "Please Taylor, tell me what's going on so I can help you" he pleads.
I wipe away my tears and look up at him "i'm stupid joe, it's silly. You have enough to worry about with our girls. They need their parents; I can't take up space because they need you" I tell him and bite my lip. "i'm not taking no for an answer Taylor, I will lay here and hold you until you talk to me. There is always room for you, I don't function without you love, neither does the kids"
I'm scared to tell him the things I have been doing to cope recently. What if it will make him spend too much time taking care of me instead of taking care of the kids. It feels selfish of me to even mention anything about it, its selfish. But I get that he isn't letting it go so I need to tell him.
"I just... it's a lot right now, and I don't know how to keep breathing. The girls are falling apart left and right, and every time I think we are finding the light at the end of the tunnel something builds the tunnel longer and the light shuts off. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep going joe" I tell him and bite my lip. I don't want to tell him everything, I don't want to worry him. But I see that he isn't going to let this go before I talk.
"you're right, there is a lot going on. Its suffocating, but it doesn't help when you're not talking to be about it. You're allowed to fall apart too Taylor, you're allowed to cry. But tell me what you need, and I will go to the ends of the earth to get it for you Taylor. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you or the girls. But you keep going because you're you Taylor, you're a force of nature and I don't think you give yourself enough credit about how incredibly strong you are" he tells me, and I kiss him softly. His words sink into me, and I want to listen to them but it's hard. I just can't let myself feel the pain because if I do, I don't think I can climb back up again.
"And I know you're not talking about it, but I see the unhealthy things you're doing. I see what you're doing to cope, and I have been waiting for a moment to get you alone to talk to you about it" he says, and I tense. Has he seen that I'm not eating? I just need to starve a little bit to deal with the pain. It helps me take the pain away from something I can't control and transfer it to something I can control. I can't control what is going on around me and how that causes me pain, but I can control the pain I inflict on myself. I can control the pain inside my body. The starvation feeling, I have in my brain or in my stomach is like a drug that I haven't let myself have in a long time. It's been so long since I last did this, and once I slip into it, I don't know how to get back out again.
"How do you know that" I mumble, and he sighs "Taylor I know you. I probably know you better than anyone else. Of course I've noticed" he says, and I nuzzle my head into his chest. "i'm sorry" I mumble.
"you don't need to apologize to me, I'm not judging you. But we need to get you back on track again because I'm not going to let you slip into the darkness. I love you too much. When you can't shine the daylight on yourself, I'm here to bring it to you. So we are going to work together on this to help you eat enough again" he says, and I sit up and lean against the headboard.
"What if I don't want to. What if i want the pain" I tell him honestly. Once I get a taste for it, I don't know how to change it, I don't know how to stop myself. "that's your eating disorder talking, I'm not talking to that side, I'm talking to Taylor, my wife. Your eating disorder might want you to starve, but I know the real Taylor and she doesn't want that. So let me take charge for a while. We can do this together" he tells me.
"Just... the kids can't know joe. They have enough to deal with. Keep this between us" I say and look over at him. I don't want the kids to know because I don't want them to worry about me. They all have more than enough to deal with themself and they don't need my silly issues on top of everything else.
"of course it stays between us. You can count on me my love. But remember that you're not alone in this, you're never alone. I'm always here with you" he kisses me several times and open his arms for me to lean into. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him, he is my rock, my person.
"I don't know what I would do without you by my side joe" I tell him and kiss him softly. "Well first of all you're more than capable of taking care of yourself. But you will never have to find out what you would do without me because I'm never letting go of you. I'm always going to be by your side Taylor, for as long as I'm breathing, you're my lifeline"
There is a knock on the door, and we tell her that she can come in, its kenzie.
"Mom. My food bag is empty. I need a new one or my tummy will get grumpy" she sighs and climbs onto our bed with her feeding backpack on her back. "Well let's fix that then. We don't want you to have a grumpy tummy, do we?" I say and tickle her stomach.
Kenzie is adjusting to life with cancer better than I would have thought. Of course she has her hard days where she is in a lot of pain and is screaming because she is scared. But for the most part she is her goofy self. She is remarkable, and I can't believe how she is handling this. I'm really careful to not show the breakdowns to her because I want her to stay this way, I want her to keep her spirits up.
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