-taylors Pov-
After looking at one another for a while we go into the office and close the door. I'm really hurt by the things that was said yesterday, but I see on his face that he is hurt too. "why didn't you call me? I had a right to know joe" I snap at him.
He sighs and sit down on the couch "Taylor, don't act like you don't know. You're never here anymore and the children need parenting even when you're absent. I know this is hurting your feelings but it's the truth. You're not parenting aurora and Elliana, so I have to try to do it on my own. I've tried to talk to you and say you need to trade off with me, so the other girls get their mom as well, but you're refusing. There is only so much I can do if you're not listening" he yells at me.
Just because I'm spending a lot of time in the hospital doesn't mean I'm absent from their lives. I talk with them on the phone and through texts, I know it's not the same but hearing him say I'm absent hurts. "you're not a single parent joe. I'm here, I'm right here. But I'm helping our daugther that needs her mom right now. You don't see half the things that go on in the hospital. It's not that I am stubborn, I need to be there" I argue. There is so much of it that he doesn't see.
"Taylor I don't see it because you are always there, and someone has to be at home to take care of our other two kids. You're deflecting the problem here Taylor. I'm more than capable of being in the hospital with Mackenzie, you're acting like you're the only one that can do it" he says and look defeated. If this is really how he feels I'm angry that he doesn't talk to me about it. I don't feel like I'm deflecting but clearly, he does and that bugs me.
"You don't get it joe. Of course you are capable, but she asks for her mommy and I'm not going to tell her no. She needs me. I know that the other two need me too, but you're here at home with them when I can't be" I say and I'm fighting back the tears. If he had seen the panic attacks kenzie has at night where she is sobbing, drenched in sweat and crying out for me maybe he would see what I see. "you're being unfair. You don't even give her the option of having me there. But regardless, she is a child, and we are the parents. We have three kids that need us both that's why we need to trade off. It needs to be fair on all of them" he argues.
"Our daugther feels so alone that she was debating between hurting herself and getting drunk. Don't you see that we are the reason behind that? She is so affected by all of this that she feels like she is alone with her feelings, that's why I didn't punish her more because I'm capable of taking responsibility when I'm in the wrong. Us fighting and focusing on aurora and kenzie is hurting her and that's both of our fault, but you would rather yell at her than listen" he screams at me and now he is on the verge of tears too.
"Joe you're taking the responsibility for her actions away from her. She could have come to you, she could have come to me, but she chose to sneak away from her security and get drunk at some party!" I yell at him. Maybe that's the reason but she could have come to either one of us. Calling me is always an option. "Taylor you're not listening. She feels like she couldn't come to either one of us, and that's a problem. We are the problem here, not her"
We are looking straight into each other's eyes and it's hard because the ocean blue eyes I've always loved getting lost in is sending daggers back at me. "you're the one that needs to take responsibility for your actions. You're choosing to not be at home with your other children, and this is the consequences of that. They stop talking to you, and when you're absent it turns their world upside down so much that they stop talking to me too"
Before I can say anything, he continues yelling at me "and for the record, it's not just them you're neglecting. You're neglecting your marriage too. We are supposed to be a team, we are supposed to be in this together but you're walking off alone when I'm right here and need you" he says and now he is crying which he hardly does. "I need my wife, but you're not here! Not to mention that you're neglecting yourself too. You've lost weight, you don't sleep, and you are not taking care of yourself"
Tears start to stream down my face too. Does he really think that low of me? Am I really that bad of a person, mother and wife? How is it that even when I feel like I'm doing the right thing everyone things I'm in the wrong? "do you... do you really think that low of me joe. That I'm purposely neglecting the people I love the most in the entire world" I say and my voice cracks.
There is a long and painful pause and neither one of us know what to say. The looks we are exchanging are not the loving gazes that we have been sharing for almost 20 years. Now the love is traded for resentment and unspoken words.
Without words we meet in the middle and our lips collide straight into a heated make out session.
I push him down on the couch and straddle his waist and run my hands through his hair and his go under my shirt. The air is filled with tension and hurt instead of love. This is not the gentle and tender sex we usually have. Hey, even when we have rough sex it's not like this. Now its anger that we take out on each other's bodies instead of using our words.
I'm so tense and worked up that the sex isn't enjoyable, its painful actually but I don't care. There are no words to say so this is what we are resorting too. This is not what we used to be, we have been so good at communicating for years, but now there is none of that.
Of course I see that he needs me, I need him too. I know that I've been bad at expressing myself recently, but I just don't know how to put it into words. There are so much going on that there isn't time for us anymore.
I love this man more than anything in the world after my children, but I don't know how to fix this. How do we fix us when we are in the middle of so much chaos that it's drowning me. These days I can't let myself feel any of it because I don't have that luxury. I don't have the luxury of letting myself feel because I have people that count on me.
My face twitches in pain and joe stops his thrusts and the anger turns to concern "are you okay?" he asks gently, and I burst into tears and shake my head.
Quickly I climb off him, but he grabs my waist and pull me down on his lap and wrap his arms around me as I sob which makes him cry too. Both of us are sitting here naked clinging to one another and crying our eyes out. We have both probably been bottling up feelings recently and not telling the other what we need.
"I can't lose you Taylor" he sobs, and my heart breaks and I cup his face "i'm never leaving you joseph. If anything, I'm loosing you" I say and try to see his face but it's hard as the tears are streaming down my face.
"We aren't okay Taylor. We need to figure out how to be a team again" he says and wipe his tears before doing the same to mine. "We need help, we can't do this on our own. Every time we do, we just end up fighting. Cancer and all the drama we have had over the years are things that break couples up and I'm not willing to lose you ever"
I'm trying to take deep breaths to stop my sobbing "I know... We need help. I'm just so exhausted and I don't know what to do joe. I feel so alone" I say and run my fingers through his hair. These last two weeks it feels like I've been standing alone trying to do it all on my own, but I know rationally that I should be leaning on him. All those years ago we swore to be together forever, and we need to fight like hell to keep that. Marriage takes work, and we need to fight for us.
"You're not alone my love. God Taylor, you're never alone. But you need to let me help you. Love I can't force you even when I want to. But I need you to let me help you, I need you to let me take some of the pressure to be at the hospital off your shoulders so you can be home with aurora and Elliana. And on top of that I need you and me to find time for eachother because when we aren't communicating it hurts all five of us" he says, and I smile weakly at him.
I get where he is coming from. Things have escalated so quickly these last couple of months and we have been going from one drama to another up until the point where our whole family is crumbling. I want to fix this, I want to get back to being a strong couple so our kids can lean on us, but clearly, we need to go back to therapy. We need to learn to communicate again, we need to figure out a new system so we can give all five of us what we need. The fact of the matter is that the cancer treatment is going to take a really long time, at least a year, so we can't keep going like this.
"I don't want to lose you, I hope this never end" he whispers in my ear, and I grin at him and gently kiss him. "God I remember those days. The early days when we were falling in love and learning about what we wanted in life. That apartment has some good memories"
There is another long pause "we need to go to therapy. Let's call my old therapist and see if she can help us. They say that cancer is something that breaks families apart, and I'm refusing to let that happen to us. I love you more than words joseph Matthew Alwyn" I say and look into his ocean blue eyes who now have turned back to the loving gaze I love so much.
"Therapy is needed. We need a third party to figure out how we are going to move forward and to help us work on our communication. And Mrs. Taylor Alison Alwyn, I love you too. Falling in love with you is the best thing that has happened to me in my life. It's you and me forever and ever my love" he says, and I lay my head on his shoulder and take in the feeling of his arms wrapped tightly around my naked body.
I take a second to think "how about we start to trade off half the week each in the hospital. One week I take four days and you take three days, and then the next week she is in the hospital you take four and I take three. That sounds fair on all of us" I suggest.
He nods "yes, but in the midst of that we need to get back to spending time together. We need someone that can sit with kenzie in the hospital at least for a few hours because we need time together just the two of us. We can't keep going like this, like two souls passing in the night but never being together" he says and brush my hair out of my face.
I'm really nervous about letting anyone else be with kenzie in the hospital, but I get where he is coming from. We need time to just be us "well I can ask a few of our closest friends. Like Abigal and my brother. I'm sure that some of them would want to trade off with us" at least those are people that are close with us and that kenzie feels comfortable with.
We agree that this is where we start, and that when the girls are at school, we are both going to try to be in the hospital together with kenzie so she gets some time with both of us. There is no real need for one of us to always hand around the house alone when we can be together. But we also need alone time, so we need to figure out a balance of it all.
"and... I'm sorry for being so absent joe, I can see where you're coming from that Ellie and aurora are affected by it. Honestly, I thought that you being here would be enough but clearly, they see that we aren't okay, I know they need both of us and I'm going to make sure they get that. And I get that Ellie going out and drinking is really a cry for help, so she is going back to therapy, she needs it"
The girls need attention from both of us, they need to know that they can talk with both of us anytime they need it. As much as I'm pissed at Ellie for going out and getting drunk, I can see where joe and Elliana is coming from with how they're handling this. Clearly if she is debating between excessive drinking or hurting herself, she is suffering in silence and that's not okay. I don't want her to be in so much pain that she resorts to hurting herself like this.
-ellies pov-
Its awkward being back at school today, everyone is giving me weird looks. I know it's because of the pictures and videos from the party is out there for the world to see. Sadly, I didn't think that this could happen, I wasn't really thinking either when I decided to go there. The fact of the matter is that even if I want to turn off the fact that I'm the daugther of the world most famous singer and a successful actor I can't.
I join Alex and my friends in the cafeteria for lunch but I'm nervous that someone is going to say something about it and make a scene.
"Did you get grounded Ellie? My mom would never let me leave the house again" Katie says, and I shake my head "No. It's complicated, but my dad understood, and we talked it out. If I do it again though its consequences. Things are complicated these days and I made a mistake" I don't want to go into details here at school because you never know who is listening. Not to mention that I find it really hard to talk about, the things that are going on at home. I talk to Alex and sometimes Lauren, but for the most part I keep it inside. But now I need to communicate with my parents better too. I know my mom is really pissed at me, but I hope that my dad calmed her down.
"well well well... isn't it #drunkminiswift" Rebecca says from behind me, and I take a deep breath. I don't want to deal with her today, she is just a pain in my ass.
"Walk away Rebecca, we aren't interested in talking with you" Alex says and lace an arm around my waist. "Would have thought you would be madder Alex. Considering that jake was dying to sleep with your girlfriend" she says in her sassy tone, and I tense. I've told Alex about the fact that he tried to take me upstairs, but I resisted.
"Like I said. We aren't interested in talking with you. Go bother someone else with your constant need to gossip and tear someone else down. We have better things to do, like watch grass grow" Alex scuffs at her and I can't help but smile a bit. He is always really protective of me, and I like that. Rebeccas words sting like they always do, but when he is here, I can let it go more easily.
-taylors pov-
We get dressed and go back into the living room where kenzie is laying with her head in Abigail's lap, but she doesn't look too good. "Joe can you get the thermometer?" I ask him quietly. If she gets a high fever, we need to act because that is a sign something is wrong.
I take the temperature and it's at 40 degrees Celsius which is bad. Immediately I call the cancer center where she is still admitted but on leave for a few days. They pick up immediately when I press the button that it's an emergency. When a child who has undergone chemo gets a fever it's really dangerous.
"hi this is Taylor Alwyn calling, Mackenzie Alwyn's mom. She has a fever of 40 degrees Celsius and I was told to call if she gets a fever at all" I tell the person on the line.
"You need to come in right away. This can be pretty serious. We are concerned for.....
5+ comments and 10+ likes for next chapter
Instagram: Swiftielife__
Twitter: Swiftielife__