** Friday January 4rd 2036**
-taylors Pov-
We are going to the court this morning to receive the verdict. I've asked Ellie if she wants to be home for the rest of the day since it's an emotional day, but she wants to go to school after. I suspect it's not that she actually wants to go to school, but more that she wants to see her boyfriend again.
After our conversation yesterday I'm getting nervous that she is taking things further as it seemed like she was hinting about it. I'm not happy to hear that, I want her to keep her innocence but clearly, she is experimenting with herself and wanting her boyfriend to touch her. As a mother that's not images I want to have in my head, I don't want to know but at the same time I want to know because I want to be there for her on the emotional side.
She has changed a lot the last couple of months, she has a more mature side now and is becoming a different kind of independent. She has always been independent but now it's different. It's not that it's a bad thing that she is growing into her own person, but I'm having a hard time letting her go in that way. But she still has panic attacks where she goes into her own head and it's hard to get her out, or she struggle with food, so the struggles are still there. Last night I had to sit up with her for hours because she had a really bad reaction from the trial. It was a delayed reaction because she only had a small one after the trial. It seems like for her things hit her harder late in the evening or at night.
The courtroom is completely silent as the jury comes into the room and Ellie is holding both mine and joes' hand. I know that no matter what the verdict is he is staying in jail and I'm holding onto that. His mom also died while she was in jail because of this so she can't hurt us again either, if she were to not be found guilty and could get out. It was premeditated and we know that, but hopefully this is the last we will see of Adam. Hopefully this will put an end to his bothering us. I don't want to ever deal with this again, it's too much, it's too painful. We need to be able to move on with our lives and heal. If he keeps popping back into our lives the wound he left will never completely heal, it will constantly start to bleed again over and over again.
The foreman stands up to read the verdict and my heart is beating so hard in my chest. "We the jury find the defendant guilty in premeditating to the crime in question"
I can feel Ellies previously tense body relax, and she leans into my arms, and I can see she has a faint smile on her face "it's over" she says softly so only we can hear. "it's over sweetie" joe tells her and all three of us can breathe. Sadly, a guilty verdict can't take away what happened, we could have died all three of us, but we are still standing here together.
Whenever bad stuff happens you appreciate your family more because you know that you truly have something to lose. Without my family I don't know how I would continue living. It's funny because I remember when I first got pregnant, I was so mad and so sure that I would be a horrible mother and bringing a child into my crazy life would be bordering on child abuse. But we have found a way to make it work for us. We have done everything in our power to give the girls as much normalcy as we can, and I hope there will be more of that ahead.
**
We get in the car and drive towards her school "Are you still sure you want to go to school" joe asks her, and she sighs "yes because I know that I need to go back eventually, it's better to just get it over with. And I just don't want to think about this. I want to move on and I want to hang out with my friends. I want to do normal things because that keeps me from a panic spiral. If I would have stayed home, I would probably panic" she says and i agree with her on that one. For me too doing normal things help me from spiraling.
"you're sure you're not just going so you can see your boyfriend" joe groans and I chuckle. "Dad. Maybe, but I also want to do normal stuff" she says with a cheeky giggle, and I know that she wants to see her boyfriend.
We drop her off and head home and we get to talking about aurora because both of us are worried about her. "it's concerning to me that she won't talk about what's going on. She deflects or just leave. I hate that she doesn't tell us because at least if she talked about it, we could try to help her" I say while we drive.
"i'm getting more and more worried every day. But we went through her bathroom and room, there is nothing there that's hinting about her hurting herself like Ellie was. And she eats and look healthy, so she doesn't have an eating disorder. There are no clear signs and its concerning" he says, and I really agree with that.
Something is up but she is not talking to us at all. I've tried to talk to her from every angle, but she is refusing to say anything and insist that nothing is wrong. If we didn't know her so well, we would believe her, but we know better than that. She is hiding something and I'm worried that it's something bad.
-ellies pov-
I make it through the last class before lunch and head to the cafeteria to sit with my friends. Caroline, Lauren and Katie are already sitting at a table. "Hi girls" I say with a smile. "Omg Ellie you came. How was it?" Lauren asks.
I shrug "we won. But I'm just glad that it's over. He looked so smug, and it was disgusting. I just don't want to deal with it. Can we talk about something else" I say, and they agree. I just don't want to think about it anymore.
I would rather talk about boys because as of last week when Katie got a boyfriend, we all are dating someone. Katie dances jazz and lyrical mostly, so she is at the studio I was when I was younger, and when Lauren also did dance, that's where she met her boyfriend. Caroline dates another boy from our ballet studio and is so smitten with him. It's really fun that we all have boyfriends now at the same time, we can talk about it all day long without getting tired of it.
"I did it yesterday" Caroline says with a cheeky grin and we all giggle clearly knowing what she is talking about. "How was it? Did it hurt. It hurt so bad for me" Lauren asks her.
"It didn't hurt that bad for me thankfully. It was really good though" she says and I'm happy for her because she has been talking about how she has wanted to do it and just couldn't keep her hands off him.
I know that both Alex and I are having the same urges and even though we haven't talked about it since I slept at his house, I know we are both feeling that we want to take things further. Even thinking about it I get a giddy feeling in my stomach. I loved having him touch my chest yesterday and he even gave me hickeys where only we can see them. It was really special
"Lauren did it in my bathroom on new year's while Alex and I were in bed" I say and Lauren blushes. "We heard you moaning Ellie, so don't act innocent" she chuckles back at me, and I blush too.
"Wait you did it Ellie?" Caroline gasps and I shake my head "no, but he... he touched my breasts under my shirt, and it felt nice" I say and can't stop grinning as I think about that first contact.
"Do you think you are going to go all the way?" Katie asks and I shrug "I don't know. We are taking things slow that's all I know right now. But I'm starting to think that I really want to... you know" I tell them honestly. I love that I have friends that I can talk about this stuff with even though I know I can talk with my mom too.
Then we hear the boys coming towards us and I smile big at Alex when he sits down next to me and have an arm around my waist "hi baby, did it go okay" he whispers in my ear, and I nod "we won" I tell him and when I turn my head, he kisses me softly.
All of us get along really well and we are thinking off having a group date soon and I suggest that we could all go to my parents' apartment on music row because no one is using that now and we can order in food, hang out and have a sleepover. "i need to ask my parents though, but I think they would be down for it"
Everyone agrees that it's a good idea, so I text my mom.
Ellie- mom. My friends and I wanted to maybe have a sleepover at the music row apartment. We could order in food, play games and hang out. Watch a movie in the movie room or something. Could we please.
Taylor- depends. Who is we?
Ellie- me, alex, lauren, lucas, katie, fredrick, caroline and evan.
Taylor- your dad says fine but to behave and absolutely no alcohol or anything like that. So yes, you guys can
Ellie- we don't drink mom. But thanks
"They said yes. So we could do it tomorrow night and meet up there after dance and gymnastics" I suggest, and we all agree that it sounds like a fun idea.
Eventually lunch break is nearing the end so Alex walks me to my locker and I'm standing with my back against the lockers, and we are smiling cheekily at one another. "I can't stop thinking about yesterday" he says and plays with my hair.
"I can't either. It felt really good. I'm thinking....» I say and blush and look away "if it's what I'm thinking I would love too. You sure? And just to confirm we are talking about sex right" he asks, and I nod. "i'm sure"
We can't stop blushing and grinning, the butterflies in my stomach is intense and I'm both nervous and exited at the same time. I'm excited to try; I really want to do this but I'm nervous that it's going to hurt a lot like Lauren said.
"You bring... protection" I say and bite my lip and he nods. "My brother may or may not have put some under my pillow last week because he wanted to know we would be safe If we decided that we wanted to do it" he says and lean down to softly kiss me after the bell rings.
I grab my books and head to class. I'm really excited for tomorrow, hanging out with my friends and trying for the first time... its hopefully going to go well, but I'm nervous. Lauren said she cried, what if I cry. What if it's that painful for me too. But Caroline said it didn't hurt that much for her, so maybe I'm going to be fine and is just overthinking all of this. But I'm sure as hell not going to tell my mom that I'm planning on doing this tomorrow because she would for sure not let us use the apartment then.
-taylors pov-
"i'm a bit nervous about the four couples being there together alone" joe says and scratch his neck. I am too I'm not going to pretend I'm not. I'm really nervous, but it's at least a safe place for them to hang out and security is going to be in the security room that's joined into the apartment so at least they are there if something bad where to happen.
But what I'm most nervous about is if Ellie is getting to a place where she is thinking about going further with Alex. After what she told me yesterday, I feel like she might be thinking about it and that scares me, I don't want her to grow up in that way, but there is nothing I can do to prevent it either. If she wants to have sex, she will find a way to have sex, I can try to tell her that she should wait but that's about the only thing i can do. I can't force her to not do it because the fact of the matter is that she isn't around me 24 hours a day and being the pantie police is impossible.
"If she uses this to have sex Taylor I'm going to panic" joe says as he is making a pot of coffee. "I don't know joe. I honestly don't know what to tell you. But all I can do is talk with her and tell her that maybe she should wait. I wish that I could prevent it, I really do. But we can't."
I do feel a little bad that I'm not telling joe what Ellie told me yesterday, but that would be breaking her trust in a way that is not okay, so I'm keeping that to myself. She isn't putting herself in danger really and that's the only thing where I spill what she is saying to joe, if it's about self-harm or eating because we both need to know those things. Other than that, I don't tell joe what she tells me and if she is talking to him, he doesn't tell me that either. We both think it's hard to not tell what the kids are saying because we are a team in terms of parenting, but we want the girls to be able to trust us, and that's the most important thing.
"How are you feeling about the verdict joe" I ask him, and he sigh "it's good that he was found guilty. But it doesn't change anything sadly. I don't want to dwell on it, I want to move past this because by dwelling on it he is winning in a way. I want to focus on getting better and then doing normal stuff."
I do agree with that, the more we dwell on the past the longer Adam interrupts our lives. But I don't want him to hide what he is feeling and let it linger inside of him and deal with it on his own. "As long as you're okay, and not suppressing your feelings, I am okay too. But if you ever need to talk about it, with me or someone else tell me"
He comes over and rest his hands on my hips "love, I promise you I'm genuinely fine. But I also promise that I will talk to you if there is something, but my feelings are mostly anger at him because he could have hurt you or Ellie. I'm not that worried about myself, and I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but that's just what I'm feeling. My feelings about me are fine, I'm not having flashbacks or stuff like that" he says and softly kiss me.
** the next day **
Ellie gets picked up by her boyfriend to go to dance and get the keys with her because they are going straight to the apartment afterwards. Security is obviously driving after them though as we just can't risk her going anywhere without them, it's just not a risk we want to take with the girls.
Joe and I are going to the gym with kenzie and aurora because the gymnastic coach has asked to speak to us and made it aware that it was really important that both of us came. I'm nervous about what it could be, but I'm sure it's not something big as the girls haven't said anything.
We get there and I make sure the girls are ready to go and go to join the class going on this morning. But I don't see their usual trainer there, its someone new and I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. This is weird because he is always here.
"Mrs. and Mr. Alwyn, could you come to my office please?" the head coach of the gym asks us to follow her, and we do, so we head into her office and sit down. She seems tense and have a serious expression on her face. My heartrate speeds up because I can tell by the look, she is giving us that this is something bad.
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