-taylors Pov-
We called ahead to the ICU to let them know that we were bringing children with us. Only me, Liz and the girls are going up to the room because we don't want to bring too many people. Security drove us here and my mom drove her car here so she can bring aurora and kenzie straight to gymnastics. Thankfully my parents are stepping up to help with the girls and joe's mom too.
So Ellie is in a velure sweat set, I'm in tights and a sweater while aurora and kenzie are in leotards and long tights ready to head to gymnastics after.
The door to the ICU is locked like always and after talking with the receptionist joes nurse comes and get us and introduce herself to the girls. "i'm Yolanda and I'm looking after your dad. How about you follow me over here and clean your hands really well before we go and see your dad" she says with a smile, and we go to the sinks and scrub our hands well.
Kenzie is holding my hand as we walk to the room, she is the youngest and I think she is the most nervous. Ellie is acting a bit off, but I don't blame her, she has been through a lot, and this is another thing on top of everything else.
"so here your dad is" Yolanda says and show us into his room where the big machines are beeping like they should, and we can hear the respirator work. Kenzie lets go of my hand and hide behind me "mom I don't like this" she whimpers. "I know. I don't like it either. But look, he is breathing that machine is helping him breath. And that thing on his head is making sure that his brain is getting help. And all the wires and iv's are giving him medication that's important. It looks scary but all those things are helping him" I explain to her
Ellie hangs back against the wall and is really quiet while I go with aurora and kenzie over to him "can he hear me?" aurora asks. "He gets medication to sleep, so he can't right now. He needs to sleep so his brain doesn't get overworked. So we need to be really quiet and talk in gentle voices" I tell them.
"When will he wake up. When will he come home?" kenzie asks and I sigh "i don't have an answer for that. Right now, they need to give him medicine that keeps him asleep for a few days, and then they will see if he might wake up. But we don't know how long that will take yet. And when he wakes up, he will need to be in the hospital for a while so he can get all the help he needs" I don't want to tell them that the odds are he won't wake up, that the odds are he won't come home. But I'm trying to keep hope for myself and for the girls. I'm not exactly lying, I'm just telling what might happen and what the doctors are planning on doing.
Aurora and kenzie get a bit more time by his side before I go to follow them out to my mom's car so they can leave for gymnastics.
-ellies pov-
I'm standing against the wall in dads' room, and I feel suffocated. I hate the smell of hospitals, its stuffy and the air is dry. And the beeping sounds of the machines is ringing in my ears. I'm scared to stand too close to him in case I do something wrong. What if I step on a wire or something and he dies? What if I do something that hurts him? I don't want to do something wrong and be the reason he won't come home again. And If I wasn't so difficult at the prison and took forever to get in the car, that car might not have hit us, maybe if I could just be a bit better dad wouldn't be hurt. What if my mom blames me? She says that he is the love of her life, but I might have taken him from her. I wonder if my mom will love me the same if he dies.
"Ellie are you okay?" my mom's voice comes from my side, and I flinch and even though I try I can't keep the tears from flowing down my face and soft sobs leaving my mouth. "oh Elliana. I know you're scared" she says and wrap her long around me. My mom gives the best hugs, she makes you feel safe and protected.
"Are you... are you mad at me" I whimper, and she pulls away and cups my head "sweetie this is not your fault. Why would you think that?" she says and brush away my tears. "Because if I wasn't difficult, we would have gotten to the car sooner and then we wouldn't be at that place when that car got there and then dad wouldn't be here. Are you going to blame me if he dies? Because it's my fau---" I go on a rant, but my mom holds a finger to my lip stopping me.
Gently she grabs my hand and leads me over to the window seat and set me down in her lap "I haven't told you this yet. Because I didn't want to worry you, and don't tell your sisters. But the police called me earlier and chances are this wasn't an accident. The man driving the car was someone who visited Adam a lot. That's all I know for now but that's the truth. And I could never be mad at you for struggling by the way Ellie. You struggling is not and never will be an inconvenience. As your mom it's my job to take care of you and comfort you, none of this is your fault" she tells me, and I wrap my arms around her neck, and she holds tightly around my waist but not too tightly as I'm pretty bruised.
"Why... why didn't you tell me when you found out?" I am angry if she kept this from me. I have a right to know if it's about him. "I found out a few hours ago while you were sleeping. there wasn't a chance to tell you before now. And i will tell you when I know anything more because the police want to talk to both of us because of the history we have with him. We don't know if it was planned by him, I honestly don't know much for sure. Put they suspect that it wasn't an accident"
It takes a minute for me to take this in. What if Adam did this because he didn't get his way at the parole board. What if this is his revenge? What if he wanted to kill us so we couldn't stand up and speak against him again? Or what if he wanted to punish us for not letting him keep us down in the basement. There are so many what ifs and I feel like I'm drowning. If I was just a good little girl and did what he said maybe my dad would be okay?
"Mom is this my fault. Because... because I said to not let him out? What if I just was a good girl and did what Adam wanted, maybe he would leave dad alone" I say, and she shakes her head "No sweetie. You are a good girl, what Adam wants isn't right. Just because he wants it doesn't mean it's the right thing. We spoke our truth and did the right thing. He is in the wrong here, not you" she tells me and kiss my cheek.
"don't lie to me mom. How is dad really doing? I'm not the same as aurora and kenzie. I lost my innocence a long time ago and I can take it. Tell me how he really is" I ask her and look her straight in the eye to see if she tries to lie to me. I get that she wants to sugarcoat things for the other two, but I'm not like them and have never been like them. Ever since the kidnapping I haven't had the same blissful innocence I had before. Before then I didn't know that type of pain and hadn't been in a situation where I constantly though it was going to die and also wanted to die. When you go through something like I did you lose that piece of yourself. I know the dark side of the world in a way the other two don't, I've seen the dark side with my own eyes and felt it on my body.
"it's bad Ellie. But I will tell you what I know. When you have that type of brain injury there is a 50-90% chance that you don't make it. Surgery did go well but it's a waiting game now. The longer we go without his brain swelling is a good sign because the brain swelling is in most cases fatal. I don't know his odds at this exact moment, but they said something about 20-30% chance of survival, I think. But the numbers are only a guideline. They can't tell us what's going to happen because neuro medicine isn't cut and dry. The brain is complex and even though we know a lot about it there is still a lot we don't know. And it hasn't been that long since the accident so things could turn for the worse. We don't know. The bleeding in his stomach isn't too bad right now, but they are watching it closely and they might need to operate. They did call me earlier and said he has broken ribs too that they overlooked, and they already told me he has a broken leg" she tells me everything she knows.
It's hard to hear but I prefer knowing than being in the dark. I hate it when my parents keep things from me. I get that they want to protect me but keeping those sorts of things a secret from me isn't helping. For me to stay calm I need to be given all the information so I can process it all. Only getting parts of the information makes me more anxious and makes my mind spiral. If I know all the information, I have a surface to work on and deal with it. If I only get pieces of a puzzle, I drive myself crazy cause i don't actually know what's going on and can't process it.
"Do not keep things from me mom. I need to know. That's what you can do to help me, tell me the truth" I tell her and wipe away her tears that have slid down her face too "i just want to protect you, Ellie. I don't want to see you hurt. All I want to do is protect you three" she says, and I sigh.
"yeah, I know that but keeping things from me isn't doing me any good. Keeping things from me makes me panic. Just tell me and then help me deal with it instead. I can take it. I've been through a lot; this is just another thing in the pile. I need information mom. And if I know I can help you" I tell her, and she cups my face and smile gently at me "sometimes I forget how grown up you are. Because to me you're still my little munchkin that I felt kick inside my belly. Now you're out here and you're fifteen years old and been through more hurt than most people. I don't think I give you enough credit with how you're handling things. You bounce back. I'm just scared that it's going to be too much for you. I know you're mature for your age, but you're also still a child and I don't want you to grow up too fast. You don't need to be the adult Ellie, that's my job. It's my job to help you, that's the way this work. You're not responsible for anyone but yourself" she says and look me in the eyes.
Eventually my mom offers to go with me over to dads' bed, I haven't been able to make myself go over there. Grandma is sitting by his side holding his hand but moves so we can come there. "are you sure I'm not going to hurt him or do something wrong?" I ask my mom hesitantly.
"you're not. You can hold his hand, that's okay. Just be careful. And the wires are secured, and alarms go off if they get out of place. You're doing just fine" she tells me and gently I take dads hand in mine. It's warm like always but he has no motion, his hand is lifeless like pudding just sitting there. Normally when I take his hand in mine, he squeezes it three times to tell me that he loves me, but now it's just there like a piece of flesh and bone.
"mom are you scared too? Don't lie to me please" I ask her, and she wraps her arms around me from behind "yes I'm really scared. I don't know what I would do without your dad. We have been together for 19 years now. He is the love of my life"
i turn my head so I'm looking at her "you don't need to be strong all the time mom. It's okay to break down. Its healthy for us to see that you have emotions too. You don't need to go in the bathroom to cry like you did earlier, that doesn't help anyone. I know you're not my responsibility, you've said that already, but I'm still here and want to give you a cuddle if you're sad. I hate it when you go away and cry. At least own up to it. You're allowed to cry"
She chuckles and smile at me "you're so clever Elliana. I didn't know you heard me. I know that emotions are okay, I tell all of you that all the time. But I'm still the adult and need to make sure that all of you are handled. But I promise that I won't lie to you. And you are right I was crying and could probably have used a cuddle" she says and rub her nose against mine and I giggle softly but not too loudly because of dad.
I'm not like my sisters, but i think my mom forget that sometimes. It's probably not easy raising three kids that are so different, but I just need some honesty and information. I've always been more mature, which is probably because of the giftedness, but it's also because of what I've been through. When you go through something like what I did at such a young age you are forced to grow up quicker. I know my parents always preach that I need to slow down and not grow up too fast, but I can't help it when I've seen and felt the type of pain I have. It's not a normal situation and that has changed me.
"Do they know when he might wake up?" I ask her and she sigh "I honestly don't know. They said that after three days they will turn down the sedation and then we need to wake and hope that he will wake up. And if or when he wakes up, we don't know what kind of condition he will be in. We don't know if he will be able to breath on his own or what kind of long term affects he might have. That's something that scares me, that even if he wakes up, we don't know if he will be the same or do the things he loves"
We stay here for a bit more before we head home together where grandpa is waiting while grandma Andrea is at gymnastics with the others. I'm happy that they got to go to gymnastics because I don't think sitting around the house all day every day is going to help them cope. It's not going to help me cope either. We need to do normal things so we can hold onto hope and hold onto some sense of normalcy.
I don't know what's going to happen next, and I hate that. I hate not knowing where the road is leading, but I guess we actually don't know that anyway. I'm like my mom in that way, I need to feel I control, but there are things I can't control. I can't control what life throws at me, no one can. But what I can control is what. do with it. I can control if I let it break me or not.
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