** Thursday september 6th 2035**
-ellies Pov-
"so Elliana I heard from the message your mom left that there was a development recently" anna says after I sit down on her couch.
"Yeah, Adam applied for parole and mom, and I have to give a statement" I say and look around her room. Not much have changed here over the years, there are still toys all around and pictures of kid's characters on the walls and drawings other patients have made, there is even a drawing I made for her years ago.
TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDAL THOUGHT
"How does that make you feel" she asks. I shrug "scared. Anxious. Wanting to dig myself a hole and burry myself. I don't want to be me anymore"
I go to anna for therapy every other week and its always a struggle to come here. I know that it's supposed to help me, and it does, but it's just mentally draining to be here. When I'm here I have to deal with stuff I just wish I could forget and figure out healthy coping mechanisms, but the healthy ways are just more exhausting than leaning into the bad.
"so you would say you're suicidal?" she says, and my eyes widen "no that's not what I meant. I just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to feel it and I don't want to remember it. I want to be a teenager and not worry about all of that crap. I want to worry about ballet and grades, not if the person that kidnapped me is getting out of jail or not. That's not normal to deal with, and I hate that"
That's probably the biggest thing to me about all of this, that my life is already abnormal because of my parents but this just heightens that. Adam took something from me that I can never get back, he took a big part of my childhood and my innocence. What he took from me is something I still struggle to live with, it's not something any child should have to deal with. No child should be scared to go to sleep because someone might come and take them again, and no child should have been in a situation where they wished they were dead so the pain would stop, I was six years old.
"What are you thinking about Elliana'?" anna asks me and I can feel I was crying so I wipe away my tears "Nothing I'm fine" I say and shrug.
"it's okay to tell me what's going on. You know I can't tell your parents unless you say I can" she says. I keep looking around the room and biting my lip trying to decide if I should say anything or not. "it's just... I went through something that no child should go through, but at the same time I have this feeling in the back of my mind saying that I deserved it and that's why it happened to me. His words about how bad of a person I am is engraved in my brain and messes with my mind. And then I think about how he made me want to die when I was only six years old. I wanted to die so the pain would end, but I didn't die. I wanted to die but also, I didn't want to, so there were conflicting thoughts in my head and its exhausting to deal with. And after we got out and we tried to get back to normal I remember crying myself to sleep every so often just begging the world to let me not wake up again, I didn't want to face the pain, I just wanted to die" I tell her honestly.
There are some things I haven't really talked with anyone about because some things are hard to put into words. How do you tell your parents that you wished you were dead, how do you tell your parents that starving yourself was the thing that kept you from killing yourself. If I told them, I don't think they would understand because I don't understand it myself. What I know is what I remember, and sometimes it comes back.
Sometimes I wish that I would have been killed all those years ago because that would mean I wouldn't be sitting here with all these memories and feelings now. What he did with me is so bad that there aren't really words to describe it. And now that I know what he did to my mom in that room it's even worse.
"do you believe that you are a bad person? What's the things that make his words not believable?" she asks me, and I sigh. "That he was obsessed with my mom and wanted to keep us hostage. He wanted my mom to hurt. He wanted to keep me to keep her there. I was a negotiation pawn to him to keep my mom under control. I was there so he could keep her there, that's why I was disposable, and he said he was going to kill me" I say and shrug.
"How did that make you feel?" she says, and I take my time figuring out how to put what I'm feeling into words. "I get mad because sometimes I feel like the only reason, I went through all of this is because my mom dated him a million years ago. Sometimes I think it's her fault and I hate that I feel that way, but I just do. He was obsessed with her and still is" now tears are streaming down my face, and I try to wipe them away, but they just keep coming.
That's something I haven't told anyone, that in some way I blame my mom. I feel like its mean of me, and I know that, but I can't keep the feelings. She didn't mean to put me in that situation, I know that and that's why I feel bad, but the fact of the matter is that if she never dated him this would never have happened. If she would have acted faster after he came to my school, he couldn't have taken me. She didn't know that those choices would lead to what it did, but it still bugs me. And it bugs me that the only reason I was even in that basement was so he could use me to control her. He knew that my mom would do anything for any of us girls, and that's how he held power over her.
"But I also know that it wasn't her fault that he did it. He chose to do what he did, but he was in her life all those years ago because she chose it. I know that she didn't know what it would lead to though, and I don't even know why I'm saying any of this I just can't keep it inside anymore. These are the thoughts that make me want to hurt myself or not eat"
She lets me talk it out before saying anything "what thoughts specifically" she asks, and I sigh "that I wanted to die. That I wish that I would rather be dead that feel like this, and that I felt like that when I was only six years old. Not eating and cutting myself is a way of just not killing myself. It's the way that I stayed alive and now that he is back bugging us and I'm not using those strategies it hurts more"
All I want right now is to find a sharp edge or cut down the calories, but I do know that won't get me anywhere constructive so I'm fighting hard to not do that. I don't want to turn to those actions when things get hard because I've learned from therapy that there is always going to be hard stuff I have to deal with in life, but that those coping mechanisms only made matters worse for me.
"and then I learned about the stuff that happened to my mom in the other room and that made things worse. Part of me wanted to know why she was screaming, but no daugther want to know their mom was in that kind of pain. I remember begging her to let me go but she kept telling me that she would never let me face something like that. Back then I didn't understand what was happening but now I know, and it messes with my mind too"
"Those must be hard things to carry inside you Elliana" she says after taking notes about what I'm saying. "well, it's not easy being me. It's hard to not blame everyone for what they could do different to not have me end up in that situation, but I've also learned in therapy that I can't change the past"
There is really nothing I can do to change that this happened to me. No matter how many calories I skip or how deep I cut there won't be a way to take it back. What that will give me is more problems and I will lose my parents trust again not to mention dance. There are many reasons to keep going on a good path but that doesn't mean it's not still a struggle.
"Have you tried talking to your mom about any of this?" she asks, and I scuff "no I can't. Because she is having a hard time too and I don't want to add to her burden. I've given her enough headache over the years, and I don't want to add to that now that they trust me again"
If I tell my mom she will panic and blame herself, and I don't want that. She always takes anything bad really inn over her to the point where she panics or shuts down. She has enough to deal with and doesn't need more stuff.
"that's your choice if you want to talk to you mom or not, or your dad. But I do think that they could take it, they are there for you and it's important for you to lean on them because they are your parents. And your mom was there with you, and she might have some of the same feelings as you" anna says.
That's true, my mom was there, and she is the only one that actually understands what happened. No one else really knows because they weren't there, and I hate when people say they understand because they don't, that's the fact of the matter, they don't understand. When people come to me and say that they are sorry and that they understand it must be hard makes my blood boil because they don't understand. I hate that word so much.
"Now to the suicidal thoughts you were talking about. Do those thoughts still come? And how do you deal with them? How did you deal with them back then. You haven't talked about this before" she says and seems concerned, so I bite my lip, I didn't want her to get concerned about that.
"Sometimes but it's not in the same way. Now they come in flashbacks of me lying in bed sobbing and whispering to myself 'god just let me die', and then the same things from the basement. That's the way it comes now. sometimes I feel like my life is too hard and I don't want to deal with it, but it's not the same thing. I haven't talked about it because I didn't want to talk about it. It hurts too much and even talking about it now is stressing me out. But it came back in full force when they told me about the parole thing. And I don't even know if it's normal suicidality because the reason I wanted to die was because I didn't want to remember and deal with those things" that's the thing I didn't want to tell anyone because it's hard to explain that it's not the same anymore. And I don't think I was ever truly suicidal in the same way as many others either, I just didn't want to be alive because I didn't want to remember.
"it's still suicidal thoughts and its serious. We take stuff like this very seriously, especially with children. I think it would be a good idea to bring in your mom" she says, and I look down at the floor, I don't want my mom to know about any of this, but I get her point. "fine" I shrug.
After getting my mom from the waiting room she sits down on the couch next to me and anna asks if I want to tell her myself or if she should tell her. I don't want to utter the words first so anna starts.
"Elliana and I have been talking about the parole situation and old feelings and thoughts that Elliana had back in the day and that comes up every so often came up. She was having suicidal thoughts" anna says and I know this will hurt my mom a lot.
"sorry" I mumble. My mom tilts my head so I'm looking at her "you have nothing to be sorry for. It's okay and I'm said to hear that but I'm happy you're telling me now. Better late than never" she says and pull me close. "Are you still having those thoughts Ellie?"
I take my time to word this right "i used to get them in the... in the basement. And then after. It wasn't because of anything else in my life, only that part. Only the fact that I didn't want to remember. I still don't want to remember. I'm so sorry to burden you with this" I sob out and my mom tighten her arms around me.
"Sweetie, I want you to listen to me. You're never a burden on me or your dad. And I don't want to remember either, I'm not going to pretend I know exactly what it's like for you, but I get that part. For me it's hard to remember too" she says, and I lift my head so I can meet her eyes. "Did... did you want to die too"
I can see that hits my mom hard. She is on the verge of tears too. She gives me a weak smile and brush my tears away "yes, I did. I'm not a psychologist but I figure that it's more normal than both of us think. But you can always come and talk to me about this stuff because even though we aren't the same person I was there too. It's never a burden on me to talk to you about this, to talk to you about anything. You, your sisters and your dad are my priorities. And I know that this is hard for you"
"that's... that's why I do the other stuff. I don't want to deal with it" I tell her honestly and she kisses my forhead.
I go on and explain the other things I told anna. It's time that I bring these things up and deal with them and I know that. I'm just scared that it's going to get worse, and I don't think I can handle that. I don't think I can take anything more going wrong in my life. It's all so overwhelming.
-taylors pov-
The fact that Ellie felt like she wanted to die and cried herself to sleep wishing that she wouldn't wake up again breaks my heart. She was six years old and that's not okay at all. The fact that she has kept this to herself for nine years too is hard to grasp because I wish there was something I could do to take her pain away. I wish I could have sat with her on those nights and hold her close as I sing her to sleep. I wish I had known so I could be there for her in terms of that too.
There is nothing I can do to change the past, but I will try like hell to get her though these hard times.
"Ellie, I need you to promise me that if you get those thoughts, you will tell me or your dad. I do not want you to lay alone in bed and feel those things or have them at school" I can't have her feeling those things and not sharing them. That makes me scared for having her home at all because she could get them and end up acting on the impulses.
"Mom I'm fine. Most of the time at least" she mumbles the last part. I gently tilt her head so she is looking at me "I need you to promise me Elliana that you will tell me or your dad. We want to trust you and you've come so far but I need you to promise me"
She takes her time before she says anything and sighs "fine. I promise. But then you need to promise me to not overreact. Just because I have the thoughts don't mean I'm going to do anything. I need to trust that you won't call an ambulance or something. Deal" she suggests.
"Deal as long as I don't feel you are in imminent danger I will not overreact" I promise her, and we hug it out. At least now we know and can do what we can to help her through it and not have to deal with those things alone.
I remember all those years ago back in 2016 when I was sitting on the bathroom with a bottle of pills and a box of blades contemplating ending my life. I remember how bad I felt and knowing that she felt like she wanted to die too is hard to hear.
We get to the car and there is a tense energy in the air, but that's probably because that talk was pretty emotional, and I was on the verge of crying at several times. I don't know if Ellie noticed that, but I was.
It was also a delicate choice to tell her that I also felt those things because I don't want her to take that burden on herself. I don't want her to feel my pain because those has enough with her own. But at some point, I think it's important to let her know that she isn't alone in the world, we are here with her.
"It makes me sad to know you felt like that too. But it helps to know you went through it too" she says as she keeps looking down on her phone while I drive. "I hoped that it could help you in some way knowing that other people around you have felt something similar. You can always come to me Ellie about anything. I will never be mad or judge you for confiding in me about something" I tell her and then it's a long pause.
"Mom just letting you know. I'm thankful that you don't pose naked like Kim Kardashian. I'm on Instagram and she is over 50 years old still doing naked shoots. If you ever pose naked, I will die from embarrassment" she says, and I burst out laughing.
"Well, I will never do whatever it is she is doing. We have never been on good terms" I chuckle.
"Did something happen between you two?" she chuckles and tells me she follows her kids on Instagram. "Yeah, she called me some mean things years ago and lied. But like I've always told you, if you do good things, you get good karma, if you do bad things, you get bad karma. She did bad things, and it took a while, but karma came... well my fans actually call it tayvodo"
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