-taylors pov-
We reach home and I hold Ellies hand as we walk through the door and meet Abigail in the living room. "Hi, are you okay?" she asks us. "i'm fine" Ellie says but I know she is lying.
I set her down on the couch and sigh "can you eat your night snack with Abigail so I can go and call your dad?" I ask her and she nods, and I kiss her forhead and tell Abigail what she is having. They make their way to the kitchen while I go into the playroom to call joe.
Its 5am in London right now, but I know he would be mad if I waited to call him about this. So it takes a few rings, but he picks up. "mmm what's up Taylor?" he says in a groggy morning voice.
"sorry to wake you babe. But this couldn't wait. Today has been one thing after the other and I'm exhausted" I say and sigh as I lay down on the couch. "What happened?"
"first matt cheated on Abigail so her and Lauren is staying with us. But then we eat dinner together and I can tell Ellie is having a hard time. Aperently the bullies are getting worse, and she just broke down sobbing and then... then she grabbed a pair of scissors and ran into the office, locked herself in there and cut her wrist" I say and wipe away the tears falling from my eyes. This on top of the breakdown I had this morning ads up to a lot and its exhausting.
"oh my. Elliana... shit. I want to hit someone. Why can't those spoiled little brats leave her alone. And the poor girl has enough stuff to deal with she doesn't need them throwing shit at her on top of everything else. But she cut her wrist? Holly shit! Did she try to... did she try to kill herself" he says and his voice breaks at the end.
"She says she didn't try to kill herself. At least not directly. She said that sometimes she doesn't want to be alive but didn't say that this was a suicide attempt. That's the only reason I didn't have her admitted, that she said she can keep herself safe if she is with me. So she is sleeping next to me tonight and we are going to the therapist's office in the morning to sort it out." just the fact that my own daugther sometimes feel like she doesn't want to be alive is terrifying. She is twelve years old and should not be feeling that way. And I know all too well what that feeling is like, but the difference is that I was an adult, but she is a child for god's sake.
"Do you need me to come home Taylor? If you need me to, I will be on the first plane home" he says, and I sigh. "No stay. At least for now. We don't even know what we are fully dealing with yet. We can talk more after the appointment with the therapist" I don't want him to drop a project that's so exiting to him without it being absolutely the only way to keep the kids from falling apart. For now, I feel like I can do it.
"But you need to tell me if it gets too much Taylor. I mean it" he says sternly. "I know. And I promise you I will joe. Always" I wish he was here right now and could wrap his arms around me and hold me close. It's hard enough to deal with all this and its even harden when he isn't here with me.
We talk for a bit more before we hang up and I go out to join Ellie and Abigial. "Did you finish your snack Ellie?" I ask her and sit down on the couch next to her as she snuggles in my side, so I wrap my arms around her. "yes"
"She told me that she isn't going to school tomorrow. So I will drop the other girls off at school so you can stay with her" Abigial's offers and thank her. That's at least one thing off my pate.
We say goodnight to Abigail and Ellie, and I get ready for bed before getting under the covers together on my bed. After what happened I just don't want her to sleep alone tonight, and she doesn't seem to mind.
"mom. Are you... are you disappointed in me" she says and stare up at the roof. "No I'm not. I'm never going to blame you for struggling Elliana. Now we just need to figure out how we can keep it from happening again" I tell her and kiss her forhead before she snuggles in my side just like she used to do when she was younger.
"I love you mom" she says, and I give her a gentle squeeze "I love you too Ellie. To the moon and to Saturn"
** the next day – Wednesday **
Ellie is still sleeping when I go and get the other two kids ready for school. Thankfully Abigail will drop them off when she drops off Lauren before she goes to work. I'm impressed that she is even going to work after what happened yesterday, she is stronger than she gives herself credit for.
"Mom why isn't Ellie down here?" aurora asks as I am getting her lunch ready. "Because she isn't feeling good" I lie. Well it's not a complete lie, she isn't feeling good, but I don't want to worry the other kids about what's going on.
"Well then I'm sick too" she says and cross her arms in front of her and I shake my head "No you're not. You're going to school" I tell her.
-ellies pov-
I wake up alone in my parent's bed and I'm exhausted. When I look at my wrist, I am reminded of what happened yesterday. I feel so embarrassed that I lost control like that, but I was just desperate and didn't even think about what I was doing. It all happened so fast and before I knew it there was a lot of blood and a door being forced open and my mom holding me close.
Sometimes I want to die, but I wasn't trying to kill myself last night. But sometimes I lay awake at night and just wish someone would put me out of this suffering, it's not easy being me these days. And my eating disorder voice is telling me that it's better to die thin than gain weight. I know I shouldn't listen to that voice, but I can't help it from coming into my head.
Part of me wish my dad was here so my mom didn't have to deal with me on her own. I know she gets stressed and overwhelmed and that makes me feel bad. I feel like I'm a burden on her shoulders and that I keep breaking her trust time and time again. If my dad was here, she would at least get a break sometimes and get time to herself. But now she is running between the three of us trying to give us all the attention we need, but there aren't enough hours in the day to do that and it makes me feel awful. Especially because she has to give me more attention and that makes me feel bad for my sisters that isn't getting my mom the same way. Thankfully we have a nanny that helps out but it's not the same as my mom or dad.
**
My mom and I get to my therapist's office and I'm nervous. I'm scared that they aren't going to believe me that I didn't try to kill myself and force me to go inpatient. I know that impatient only makes me worse, it gives me worse habits and its contra intuitive because it's out in the real world I have to learn to deal with my issues, not inside a hospital with other sick kids and locked doors.
"so Elliana I talked with the on-call psychiatrist from the emergency room last night and she told me that you cut your wrist last night" my psychiatrist Viviane says, and I sigh. "yeah, I lost control"
My mom is sitting beside me, and I lean my head on her shoulders. I don't want to be here I just want to go home and forget about all of this.
"Can you tell me what was going through your head when you decided to cut yourself?" she asks, and I look down at the floor wanting to sink into it. "There was a lot going on and I panicked and lost control. The scissors were right in front of me, and I just acted on impulse and before I knew it there was blood dripping down my arm" I say and wipe away my tears. I feel like it sounds so stupid when I say it out loud. I'm 12 years old and should know how to deal with my crap and not do stupid stuff like this. It's just another proof of how pathetic I am. No wonder why my parents are embarrassed of me, they have to be. That's what Rebecca keeps repeating and I'm starting to think she is right; I am a burden to my parents.
"You seem deep in thought. What are you thinking about?" she asks, and I bite my lip. "That I'm just pathetic. That I should know by now how to deal with hard stuff and not do stuff like this to be a burden on my parents" I say and shrug.
My mom tilts my head so I'm looking at her "Elliana. You are never a burden on us. We love you and would go to the ends of the earth to help you. Needing help to deal with hard stuff is okay, there is nothing pathetic about that. You're human and sometimes we need more help than we can give ourselves"
She wipes away my tears and my lip trembles. "so you're not embarrassed of me? You don't think that I'm such a burden that my sisters don't get the attention they need? I just don't want to be me mom. It hurts too much" I yell at her; I didn't mean to yell but I couldn't keep it in anymore.
I inch away from her and lift my legs up so I can wrap my arms around them and burrow my head against them as I sob. My mom rubs my back. "Those thoughts aren't true. I could never be embarrassed about you, and your sisters get what they need too, don't worry about that, that's my job. I wish I could get you to understand that you are perfect the way you are Elliana and I wish I could take your pain away"
My mom wraps her arms around me and hold me close as I sob. I wish the pain would end, I wish I would forget about what happened in the past and I wish that I wouldn't feel like this anymore. I wish that I could feel good about my body, I wish that I didn't have anorexia, I wish that I didn't get panic attacks. I just wish that I could be normal.
"I would sit with you all night and hold you close if that's what you need. There is nothing I wouldn't do to help you. And the same goes for your dad. We love you and we would do anything for you or your sisters. Whatever you need we will do what we can to make it happen" my mom always seems to know what to say in any moment. She always knows what I need to hear.
It takes some time, but my sobs slow down, and I put my legs back down and my mom keeps one arm around me as we turn back towards Viviane who has waited patiently. "I need to ask you Elliana. Did you cut your wrist because you tried to end your life. It's really important that you are honest about this" she asks me, and I sigh. "No, I didn't. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I wish I was dead. I don't want to exist when things are this hard. But no, I didn't do it because of that. I knew that I wouldn't die from what I did"
She asks me more questions about that and even though it makes me really uncomfortable I tell the truth. My instincts tell me to lie, but I know that it will never get better if I don't tell people the truth.
"I don't feel the need to section her at this moment. So if you feel comfortable having her home, I think that it will be fine as long as she keeps attending therapy and communicating with you at home. But if she does it again, we need to explore other options" Viviane tells me mom and my mom thankfully agree to me coming home.
We talk for a bit more before we leave her office. "Should we go out and do something fun Ellie?" she asks me as we get in the car. "We can go shopping if you want?"
I smile at her "let's go shopping" she knows how much I love that, so we sing in the car on the way there. I really love to sing, I'm not as good as my mom but I still love to sing with her when we are alone.
The mall is pretty empty because people are at school or work, so we get to move around without crowds forming around us which happens sometimes. It's just one of the things that come with having the most successful solo artist as your mother.
There is a Nordstrom here, so we go in there and have a look around. I've always loved shopping and looking at all the clothes in the store. It's hard for me to get stuff because part of me hates to know what size I am, but I try to overpower those thoughts because It's so much fun shopping with my mom.
"isn't this pretty?" my mom says and hold up a knitted sweater and I smile "it's so pretty. I love that"
We end up shopping for two hours and a lot of clothing for all five of us. My mom usually does the shopping for my dad too which I find funny. It's so exiting to actually get to shop in stores because most of the time we shop online as its easier and we don't have to have security around us. It's a lot to have three security guards following behind us, but I'm used to it. It's been like that my whole life so sometimes I even forget they are there. They are also really nice and have become like family too, so I don't mind having them around. Sometimes if my parents are too busy, they even take me to dance or school or help my sisters with homework.
With bags of clothing in the trunk we drive home. "Mom does it ever bother you that there is always security around us" I ask her, and she sighs. "It did in the beginning because I wasn't used to it. But now It's been like that for 20 years, so I'm used to it now. Sometimes I even forget that they are there because it's just become my normal. And especially after you girls were born because we always want to make sure you're safe"
It's so crazy to think that she has had security around her every time she leaves the house for 20 years. I know that it comes with the work she does, the more popular you get the more stalkers and paparazzi come around you, but it's also weird. I don't meet paparazzi much because there isn't any here in Nashville, and I don't go to la or new York much because I always have dance now. And when we go there, we don't really go out much so I'm pretty shielded. We do go to London a fair amount but it's not nearly as crazy with paparazzi there and there are laws that prevent you from posting pictures of minors.
-taylors pov-
I've had a nice time at the mall with Ellie, sometimes it's nice to get out of the house and do normal stuff. Its nerve-wracking because I know there is a chance there are pictures taken, but at the same time I don't want to keep my children from doing normal stuff like go to the mall. I've learned over the years that it's important to find a healthy balance with this stuff.
**
Abigail has taken Lauren, aurora and Kenzie to gymnastics while I am with Ellie at ballet for her private lesson.
Whenever I sit and wait for Ellie at dance, I get time to think about everything going on. I watch her from up in the viewing room being completely focused on what she is doing. The way she moves her body is so elegant and its mesmerizing to watch her do what she loves. She loves every part of it, even when you repeat the same basic thing over and over again until its perfect. The determination she has for this is something I admire with her. But sometimes I worry that she is taking it too seriously and putting too much pressure on herself.
My phone goes off and its tree, so I take a deep breath. Usually this isn't a good thing, especially when it's so late in the day.
I go outside and pick up the phone "hi tree what's up" I say and bite my lip and cross my fingers that it's not something too bad.
"hi I will get right too it. i hate to make this call Taylor. I am so sorry...."
5+ comments and 10+ likes for next chapter
Instagram: Swiftielife__
Twitter: Swiftielife__