-ellies pov-
Math class passes by both too slow and too fast at the same time. I want the school day to pass by quickly because it means I can go to dance class. It's the first dance class I have done since I landed in the hospital, up until now I've only done private lesions so I'm happy to get back to an actual class.
But it passing quickly means that its growing closer to lunch time which is nerve wreaking because it's the first time I'm going to eat lunch at school without one of my parents. I'm going to be sitting with Lauren and Katie in the cafeteria and that makes me nervous.
I know that this is the step I need to take to get my life back, but it's hard to accept that I can't mess it up and throw away the food. I could try but I know that they will figure it out by what the scale shows so there is no escaping it. The thing that will happen if I fuck up is that they will send me back to hospital for a longer period of time than last time. They wanted to give me a chance to recover from home and I'm not going to mess with that.
Being in the hospital was horrible, and I actually felt like it was doing more harm than good. If you place a group of anorexic and bulimic patients in the same ward it's not a healing environment in my eyes. I picked up on tricks from the other patients and for me it was more destructive than helpful.
** flashback *** TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM
My mom is with the rest of the parents in a family support group so it's just me and a few more patients in the lounge room. There is a staff by the door, but she is too buzzy reading a book and we are talking silently so she doesn't hear us.
"so I'm getting out of this place asap. I've been drinking tons of water to make my weight go up so I can go out and not have the same weight. There is no way I'm doing outpatient. I'm just going to get out of section and do my own thing again" another patient Gilliana tells me and I nod.
Another patient, Fiona, agrees "yeah, it's so annoying why can't they just leave us alone. It's hard enough to cope with being a teenager these days and now they take this away from me too. Fuck them. And it's so hard to find something sharp here too, they take everything away" she says, and I get curious.
"something sharp?" I ask and furrow my eyebrows "sometimes I forget how young you are Ellie. I cut, it helps with relief because it gives me something visual to show where it hurts. I need something when they stick me in a treatment program" Fiona is 17 years old and have been in and out of treatment for years, since she was 10 years old. She makes sure the nurse isn't looking and pull up her sleeve to show some scars. "Normally I do it on the puller part of the inside of my thigh so no one can see it"
I'm the youngest patient here on the ward, which was intimidating in the beginning, but I am considered mature for my age, so I get along with them fine thankfully. It's nice to have someone other than my mom to talk with, she doesn't get what it's like for me.
"i've never tried that. Does it really help?" I mutter and she nods and sigh "sometimes. But the more you do it the less it helps. But at this point I'm desperate" she says and shrugs.
They also talk about all the ways they hide food from their parents or the nurses. They are experts at this, and it makes me both intrigued and uncomfortable at the same time. It's a relief to know that there are ways to get around my parents and treatments teams watchful eyes, but also I don't want to keep coming back here. It's confusing and I don't know how to handle this.
** end of flashback **
It's time for lunch and I grab my lunchbox and head with Lauren and Katie to a table in the cafeteria. I have hardly ever gotten lunch at school because my mom says it's better to pack a lunch, so she knows I get stuff I like and its nutritious. It's not a secret that cafeteria food isn't the best, even though this is a private school and its nicer than public school.
Opening up my lunchbox there is a sandwich, a cut up apple, a string cheese, a cookie and a fortisip. My mom has taken of the label thankfully, so it doesn't look like it's one of those drinks to the other students. It's embarrassing enough that I have to have one of them at school I don't want everyone to comment on it.
"Your mom always packs pretty lunches" Katie tells me, and I smile at her. "Yeah, she gets up early and pack for all three of us" I say. There is a note in the box from my mom, but I slip it under my sandwich, it's embarrassing that she still does that, I'm in middle school and here it's not cool to have a note from your mom in your lunch box. That was sweet when I was Kenzie's age, now it's embarrassing.
"I love your mom. She is just so sweet. I wish my mom was like that. Like I can't talk to my mom about much, but you can literally tell her anything" Katie says, and I feel bad for her that her relationship with her mom isn't like mine, but most people don't have the close bond I have with my mom. I think that we have such a close bond because of what happened all those years ago. It's nice most of the time to have this strong bond, but it's also exhausting because it means that she can read me better than anyone, so I don't get away with anything.
"Well, it's fine for the most part. But sometimes it's annoying. I love how involved they are, like mom or dad is always there to watch me dance. But it's also annoying sometimes" I say and shrug. "But it's nice that I can talk to her about everything though"
"After we heard the 8th graders talk about sex the other day I asked my mom, and she got so awkward and just said... you know... the technical stuff" Katie says and scrunch her nose. "I asked my mom too. I had so many questions, but she answered them all" I say, and Lauren has a similar response.
It's so different when I go over to katies house versus Lauren's house. My mom and aunty Abigail are similar when it comes to parenting and how they are. But katies mom is really strict and has so many rules. Her dad works a lot, so he isn't around much, but katies mom is a stay-at-home mom for her and her little brother. She does seem like a good mom, she is always nice to me, but she isn't like my mom at all.
"my mom said that I'm too young to know what sex is" Katie says and chuckle "so I had to look it up online" I refuse to look up stuff like that online because my mom constantly preaching about how the media writes fake stuff all the time, so I'm scared to hear what the media says about sex.
"Ellie did your mom say anything about what it feels like?" Katie asks and take a bite of her food and I swallow before saying anything. "She says it's supposed to feel good. Like you touch certain parts and then it feels good inside of you. But she also talked a lot of consent, that you can't give consent before you're 18. And then about safety to not get pregnant or an STD. But aperently its not one way to have sex, its many different ways. It can be boy and boy, girl and girl or girl and boy. It's different ways to do it"
I did want to ask my mom how girls have sex contra how a girl and boy have sex, but I haven't dared to ask yet. It feels so intimate to ask these kinds of questions even though my mom seems happy to talk about it.
"According to my mom its aperently bad when the same gender has sex. Its unnatural" Katie says, and we all roll our eyes. "She says that I'm only allowed to date boys. Being a lesbian is aperently the end of the world" I know her mom is really traditional when it comes to that stuff, even though in my mom's eyes that type of idea of relationships is outdated some people still stick with that thought process.
Thankfully this conversation and kept me distracted from eating my food, so I finish it all while we talk. It's so nice to have friends that I can talk to anything about, there are never stuff we don't talk about.
"aperently when I looked online some people have sex with themself too" Katie says, and I get weird. Do people really do that? Why? Do people like orgasms so much that they do it to themself too. Does it really feel that good?
We talk about what we are doing after school as we all have activities. Lauren takes jazz and hip-hop classes at the studio I used to go to, so she is going straight there. She still loves to dance but she hates ballet. Katie does gymnastics where my sisters do it and she is really good at it. I've seen her do it a couple of times either on video or when I've gone with my parents to watch aurora and Kenzie.
"well well.. Looks like the anorexic is eating at lunch again. Did you get tired of being attention seeking Ellie" Rebecca says as she comes over and makes sure to say it loud enough, so the nearby tables hear it and turn their attention towards us.
I wish that I was brave enough to talk back to them, but that's just not who I am. I don't like confrontation and I don't like defending myself because I'm scared that it's going to backfire. I just want them to pretend I don't exist; I want to be invisible to them.
"go away Rebecca. We do not care about what you say" Katie snaps at her and I look down at the table wanting to shrink so small that they can't see me.
"it's not my fault she is pathetic. No wonder her parents are embarrassed of her. She is the black sheep of the family being upstaged by everyone always" she says and laugh with her friends.
I don't know what I did to get her to hate me this much, I feel like I've done nothing to warrant this, but they always have something to say about me.
"And just so you know blondie, don't you dare try to get the lead in swan lake this spring. That spot is mine! Got it! She snaps at me and glare at me when I look up at her. We dance at the same studio which only made matters between us worse. Especially since she isn't allowed in the advanced classes, she takes the intermediate classes while I am in the advanced classes with the highschoolers. I think that made matter worse because she is jealous.
Lauren laughs "dream on Rebecca. There is no way you're getting the lead. You know they want someone that's actually... you know... talented" Lauren says with a cheeky tone, and I hold back a giggle. She is really sassy and that's one of the things I love about her. She always has my back, and I am so grateful to have her.
"Watch it, Lauren. Associating with her is embarrassing on your part. Have some dignity" they say and walk off.
I don't hate many people in life, but I hate Rebecca because she never leaves me alone. Turning to Lauren and Katie, I thank them "thanks guys. She is just... a snake waiting to bite whenever she gets the chance"
At some point I know that I need to learn to stand up for myself, but I don't know where to start. How can I defend myself when I'm constantly saying the stuff she is throwing at me to myself too. How can I find something to clap back with that I actually believe. I'm not an outspoken person that can act on impulses like that. I take stuff in and think about it before responding, just like my mom.
We go to get our books for the next class and put our lunch boxes in our lockers. It's a real struggle to not go to the bathroom and throw it up again. Keeping the food in my stomach makes me feel sick, the fact that I ate that without my mom or dad hovering over me feels like I've done something wrong. It feels like I could trick them and do what the voice in my head Is saying, but I didn't. I did what my parents wanted me to do, and I hate myself for it. I know I should feel good, feel like I had a victory, but I don't feel like that. I feel like I failed myself in a weird way.
It's a strange feeling to wanting this suffering to end but at the same time being terrified of letting go of the eating disorder. For the last few years its slowly increased and become my way of coping with my life, and even more in the last several months before i was caught when it exhilarated. It blew up in my face and became the best and worst thing at the same time.
The indecisiveness in my brain is driving me crazy. Fighting between the healthy and the sick part of my brain is exhausted when I at the same time need to keep up with what's going on around me. Sometimes I wish that I got a break from my mind, I wish that I could turn it off for a bit. The only place I kind of get to do that is on the dance floor, it's my favorite place in the universe.
**
I grab my sisters and we walk to to the car to meet my mom and our nanny. Kenzie and aurora are going straight to gymnastics with harper while my mom goes to ballet with me. That's what happens every day, my mom and dad, or if they're not there harper, trade off bringing us to gymnastics and dance straight after school.
So I get in the car next to my mom and she hands me a fortisip and a banana to eat as an afternoon snack on the way to dance. "How was it today Ellie? Did you finish everything?" she asks, and I nod.
"Yeah, I was distracted by Lauren and Katie. We were talking nonstop so I almost forgot that I was eating" I tell her honestly and shrug. Part of me thought that I couldn't do it, but I ate every single bite of my lunch. Even though it was hard, and the internal struggle is exhausting it was nice to do something more normal with my friends instead of being in a nurse's office alone with my mom.
-taylors pov-
I'm happy that she managed to eat her lunch. At least that's what she is saying, but we don't know for sure before the weight on Monday. I want to trust her but it's hard when she has broken our trust so severely. We know it's not her fault that she is sick, but we need to take that into consideration when we try to give her some of her independence back. As far as I'm reading her I think she is telling the truth, but it's hard to tell sometimes. I thought that I always could tell when she was lying, but aperently I was really wrong regarding that.
We get to dance, and she goes to change while I sit in the lounge to wait for her with some other parents. It's an upstairs lounge that you can see down on the studio to watch the dancer's dance. It's a recent installment in the studio and a lot of us parents like it.
But while I'm sitting there, I get several texts from Abigail and then she calls me several times, so I know it's something serious.
I go outside to take the phone call and when I pick up, she is crying.
"abi what's wrong? Why are you crying?" I ask her concerned.
"Taylor....."
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