** Sunday October 31st, 2032**
-taylors pov-
At midnight joe is leaving us to go film a movie in London, and he won't be back before December 22th which is sad but it's just how our lives are. He wanted to stay home since things are like they are with Ellie, but I didn't want him to drop such a dream project, so I'm handling the kids on my own with the help of our nanny. Thankfully I don't have much work right now so I'm free to take the kids for the time being. I'm not dropping new music before January so I'm doing finishing touches in the studio, but I can do that when the kids are at school. Whatever I need to do I can do while they are at school or do some work while they are at their after-school activities.
Right now, we are getting dressed in warm clothing and going for a walk in our favorite park that is a little piece of freedom here in Nashville. We go there often and since it's so cold we will stop and get hot chocolates from Starbucks on the way for the kids and joe and I will get something with caffeine.
We order at the drive through and reach the park together. We are counting it as Ellies morning snack for today.
"it's always so pretty here" aurora says as she gets out of the car, and I hand her the hot chocolate. She wanted white chocolate today while Ellie and Kenzie wanted the normal kind. I got a mocha and joe got a regular latte with salted caramel sirup. I've always loved Starbucks coffee, and a lot of the time when I'm working, I send my assistant out to get me oat milk lattes.
"It is" Ellie chimes in as we all start to walk. "You know, when I was pregnant with Ellie dad and I came here and at that pavilion we sit at sometimes, that's where he proposed to me" I tell them and smile at joe. They have actually never heard that story, I don't know why we haven't told them, but it has never come up.
Ellie looks up at me curiously "really? That's cool. Did he gush about how much he loves you" she says teasingly, and I laugh. "He sure did, you know your dad he is a romantic" I say and caress her head and chuckle.
"yes, it's not my fault that I'm a romantic. After all I was getting engaged to a hopeless romantic, so I had to make it special" joe says and lean over to kiss me "ew, you are so gross" all three kids say, and we chuckle. They do not like when we have any sort of PDA, aperently its embarrassing.
"You are too old for that, it's weird" aurora says and take a sip of her drink. "You are never too old to show your love for someone. I kiss your mom all the time" joe says, and I poke my tongue out at him.
"you two are just embarrassing" Ellie says and roll her eyes. "Yes embarrassing" Kenzie chimes in, she is always mimicking either Ellie or aurora and its sort of cute.
"Are you all going to listen to mom while I'm away and not fight?" joe asks the girls and the say they will. Just like any other siblings they argue from time to time, and sometimes it ends with them screaming at one another and they end in separate rooms to cool down again.
Having three girls is challenging because they are usually more emotional than guys and they are all stubborn like me so that makes it challenging, but I wouldn't change anything about them at all. They're all perfect just the way they are. I wish I could take Ellie pain away but all I can do about that is be there for her, that's probably the only thing I wish I could change, I wish I could take her pain away.
We reach a playground, and we throw away our empty cups and all go and climb on the playground that's empty of other children. Its late autumn so it's cold and the leaves have all fallen from the trees and covering the ground but that doesn't keep us from having some fun.
There is this jungle gym thing that joe tries, and I go sliding with Kenzie while aurora and Ellie climbs in this spider net type of thing. We love to play with the kids here, it's so much fun for all of us.
These are the moments I want to bottle up and remember forever, us having fun as a family.
**
Joe and I are upstairs doing the last of his packing before he leaves tonight. He made sure to have a flight after the girls went to bed and not tomorrow morning. It's hard for the girls when he leaves so we don't want to say goodbye in the morning and then they have to go to school.
"Promise me you will tell me if it gets too much Taylor. If it gets too much for you i will drop everything and come home" he says and come over and wrap his arms around my waist and I wrap mine around his neck. "I promise. But we will be fine"
Deep down I don't want him to go, I never want to be away from him, but its apart of our jobs and we just need to deal with it. I know how much he wanted to do this movie and I'm not going to take that away from him. He lets me do my thing all the time and I want to give him room to do the same thing too.
"You are my world Taylor. You and the girls. That's the most important thing to me" he says and lean down for a long kiss.
-Ellies Pov-
I'm down in the home dance studio that used to be a home gym but years ago they put in a dance floor here and removed most of the workout equipment. It's just a running mill and some weights here now that my parents use.
On the weekends I love to spend time down here and practice what I've been working on in ballet. Tomorrow, I get to start taking my three private lessons and a dance class too. It's so exiting to get back to class, and the next week after that I get another class and then the week after I get the last class. It all depends on if I keep gaining weight or not, but I have been doing that. I've had to add fortisips but I'm forcing myself to drink them so I can dance.
I've learned that I would do anything to get to dance now. When it got taken from me when I landed in the hospital, I felt empty, but when I dance, I feel more like myself.
I put on my point shoes and do some basic barre exercises to get my body going after doing a warmup in my slippers.
It took a bit of convincing to get to do some of this at home again, but they see how good it is for me so they make adjustments so I can dance as much as I want and need. It's not just that I want to do it, but I also need to keep myself sane. To me dance is what music is to my mom and acting is to my dad. It's my passion and I really want to dance in a company one day, it would be amazing. But I also want to go to college and become a lawyer, so we will see what happens with time.
The calories I have to consume is insane, it's so annoying but I know that's the condition I have to follow. I eat a lot more than normal 12-year old's need to eat because I work out so much, so I need to take those calories, and then I need to eat more than that too, so I gain weight. It's a lot to deal with but my parent's control that and I just close my eyes and eat whatever they give me. I actually don't know the exact calories, I can guess with what I know about nutrition, but they don't tell me how much I'm eating to avoid triggering me.
It's hard to figure out what I want because it's such a fight in my head between the anorexic voice and then the voice that wants to do the right thing so I can dance. I'm slowly starting to realize that the weight isn't really the real problem, the problem is that I've used food to control the bad thoughts and handle what happened all those years ago. My therapist keeps saying that the food isn't the problem, the problem is that I've tried to starve away my thoughts, so I don't have to deal with them. ,
I watch my feet in the mirror reflecting the work I'm doing. It's hard to not focus on how my body looks because as a dancer that's part of my job, I need to make sure my form and technique is correct, but I don't want to be hyper focused about what I look like in the mirror. When I look in the mirror, I see how I should suck in my stomach more, I see the fat on my arms, thighs and stomach. There isn't anything I like about my body when I look in the mirror, so I try to focus on the technical stuff, how my arms are, how my hips are aligned and how my turnout is. It helps to focus on the things I can control, my technique, and not how my body looks.
My dad is leaving tonight and that makes me really sad, but I know that he is going to work, and he loves what he does. I just like it when we are all together, but it's also nice that they have interests other than being parents. He has talked a lot about this movie he is filming, and how it's his dream role, so I'm happy for him. I am worried about my mom though handling three kids on her own, and how stressed she already is when it comes to dealing with me.
I know they tell me that I'm not a burden, but I just can't help feeling that way. It's not a secret that they can't do what they want to do anymore because they need to keep an eye on me. They don't trust me and sit with me a lot if I'm having a hard time or eating. And they come to my school and eat with me there too. I don't get a break and they don't get a break. I know that I broke their trust but it's hard to deal with this all.
I finish up at the bar and start to do some fouetté turns which is probably the hardest turns you can do, but I think it's fun. I love being in my pointe shoes, it's my favorite part of ballet these days. My favorite part changes all the time but ever since I got pointe shoes I've been so enchanted by them. When I was younger and saw the bigger kids in the dance studio in their point shoes, I got so jealous, but now I get to do that too.
The door opens and my dad comes into the studio with a smile "wow, those turns are so cool" he says, and I stop doing them and grin at him. I feel so alive when I dance.
"Can we have a talk Ellie?" he asks, and I nod, and we sit down on the floor to talk together.
"so I'm leaving tonight but I want you to know that if you need to talk with me, you just need to call. If you call, I will drop what I'm doing and talk to you because I know you're having a hard time. I'm always there for you" he says, and I nod. "i just don't want to stand in the way of you working. I feel bad enough already that I'm messing with what you and mom normally do. Now you're both watching me like hawks"
I wish they would trust me, but they just don't and that hurts. I know that ive broken their trust, and that it takes time to earn it back, but it still hurts.
"you're never in the way Elliana. You, your sisters and mom are my priority. My favorite job is being a dad and husband, my work comes behind that. I'm always here for all of you" he says and pull me into his arms. I love my dad's hugs, I feel so safe and protected.
"How is mom going to handle my sisters and me when I'm such a burden. I mean I panic at nothing and need to be watched while I eat. I feel bad for mom, and I feel bad for aurora and Kenzie too" at least when both of my parents are here one of them can sit with me while the other give aurora and Kenzie what they need, but now mom has to do all that.
"you're never a burden. There isn't anything about you that's a burden. You're struggling and it's our job as your parents to help you cope with that. We don't mind sitting with you to make you feel safe and maybe a bit better. There is nothing about taking care of any of you that we don't enjoy" he kisses the top of my head and I sigh.
I love my parents. They are always here for me even when I mess up. I don't know if all kids have this close of a relationship with their parents, but I've always had that. They are very involved in everything I do and that makes me happy. Sometimes it makes me embarrassed too, but deep down I like that they care and take time to watch me dance or hang out with me.
-taylors pov-
Joe is putting the girls to bed tonight, one by one, so he can say bye to them. I'm sitting with Ellie eating her night snack which she is slowly picking at. It takes time to sit with her and eat, but I don't mind because I know that it will help her in the long run. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my children.
"i'm excited to get another dance lessons back tomorrow" she says, and I smile "i'm happy that you're getting that back. We know how much it means to you"
Tomorrow is going to be really hectic. First the girls are going to school from 8am-2:30pm, but I'm picking Ellie up at 1:45pm because she has a therapist appointment at 2pm. Aurora and Kenzie has gymnastics at 3pm, and Ellie has a dance private then too. Normally Ellie would have had a dance class after her private lesson that would end at 8pm but she is getting the dance class tomorrow instead. Normally she dances a lot but that's what she wants to do, and we are supporting her in that, just the same way we support Kenzie and aurora with their gymnastics.
**
Joe finishes up putting Ellie to bed and comes downstairs to me and we snuggle up on the couch. I hate that he is leaving in a few hours, I hate it when he leaves. I know that he is coming back, but I just feel empty when we aren't together. He is my other half and whenever he goes away for work, he takes a part of me with him.
"it's not goodbye Taylor, it's see you later" he says and lean down to kiss me, and my eyes flutter shut feeling his soft lips against mine. I love his kisses. "I know, it's just always hard being away from you"
"i'm always a call away. If it gets too much, I'm dropping the project and coming home. But if you just need to talk, I'm right on the other side of the phone. I will pause whatever I'm doing and talk to you because you're my priority" we always do that, make sure that no matter what we are doing there is always a direct line between us if one of us need the other.
We don't say much we just stay in each other's arms until we get a notification that the car is outside ready to take him to the airport, so we get his bags and stand in a long hug in the hallway.
Leaning back, we interlock our lips for a long passionate kiss. "I love you Taylor. To the moon and to Saturn" he says and brush the hair out of my face and peck my lips again.
"i love you too joe. To the moon and to Saturn, and even further. Text me when you're there" I tell him and go in for another kiss before he makes his way out to the car.
I stand and watch the car drive out of the drive through and disappear around the corner when the gates close again.
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