-taylors pov-
"Hi tree, what's up" I pick up the phone and bite my lip. She knows I'm in the hospital with Ellie so she wouldn't call unless it was something bad.
"Hi Taylor. I didn't want to make this call but there are pictures out there of you, joe and Ellie walking outside the hospital. And people are freaking out about the tube and putting two and two together that Ellie is anorexic" tree says.
This is the last thing I want Ellie to deal with, she doesn't deserve to have her personal business out there, it's not fair. She is twelve years old and not a celebrity. She is entitled to privacy, especially when things are this hard for her.
"One sec tree" I say and tell Ellie that I'm going in the bathroom to talk with her. It's not that I want to hide this from Ellie, but I don't know how to approach this at all.
"Why can't people leave my children alone. We weren't walking around a mall in LA, we were in a hospital garden in Nashville. Why can't they give my kids a break. They don't deserve to have their private business out there. I'm furious" I say and rub my temple.
This is the stuff I struggled with when I was pregnant with Ellie, what my job would bring into the kids' lives. If they had a mother with a normal job this wouldn't be an issue at all. But now there are pictures out there and the whole world knows about it if they read tabloids, and it's for sure going to be all over her school. I hate this part of my job, it's not fair on the girls.
"Tree, I need to talk with joe, I need to figure out what to do" I tell her, and she agrees and hang up so I can joe immediately.
"Joe, there are pictures of us from earlier all over the internet" I say on the verge of tears. This is a nightmare.
"that's not good. Why can't they leave the kids alone. They are kids and its none of their business. What are we supposed to do now?" he asks, and I sigh. "I have no idea, like do we tell tree to not say anything or to release a statement, or do I release a statement. It's not fair on her, it's hard enough and she shouldn't have to deal with this too. I don't even know if we should tell her"
What she doesn't know can't hurt her right? It might end up being a terrible idea, but she is so fragile right now and I don't want to make her life worse. We should shield her from this so she can just focus on herself.
"I don't think we should tell her; it won't help her, and she needs to focus on herself. Tell tree to tell the media that its none of their business and then we ignore it. Our daughters health isn't up for discussion at all. It's been twelve years since they found out about her, and they are still so stupid that they think we are going to talk about her private stuff. That's their stupidity not ours"
We have said from day one that our children's private life is not up for discussion. Sure we say a little something here and there, but we want them to have privacy and normalcy.
** two weeks later Friday 30th September**
Today we are going home for the weekend and it's the test Ellie needs to pass to go home. She is off the tube, has been for a week now and it's a constant fight but at least she is following the weight gain meal plan. Her medical stuff is also stabilized, and we all think that the best thing for her is to come home, so if this weekend goes well, she can be discharged down to outpatient on Monday. School isn't an option for another two weeks but at least she gets to be in the comfort of her own home. She also gets one week before she is allowed to start taking one ballet class a week and have to eat an extra snack to make sure she doesn't end up losing weight from it.
It's a risk taking her home and letting her back in the dance studio but its what's she wants to do, and we want to try and support her in that. It's important for her to have something positive in her life that gives her positive energy, so we need to figure out how to make that possible for her.
"Are you all packed Ellie?" I ask her and kiss her forehead as I've finished packing my stuff too. "Yes, and we are never going back here. I promise mom, I'm okay. We can do this from home" she says determined.
"Just know that it's okay if it doesn't go as, you want it to go. It's you want it to go. It's okay if you need more time. But we are happy to have you back home if you're truly ready, it's at home you belong. But you already know the rules and we are not going to waver on them" I tell her, and I have been telling her that for the last couple of days.
We have expectations of her to let her back home, it's not something we are doing lightly. She is to sit downstairs with the family and eat her food in a timely manner. If she doesn't complete it in time, she gets fortisip immediately. There is no burgeoning on the food, what she is served is what she is eating, or she gets fortisip. No low fat or diet products. After a meal she is supervised for two hours. Her bedroom door stays open at all times. She needs to earn back out trust, because now we can't trust her. We can't trust she isn't going to throw it back up, we can't trust she isn't exercising in her room alone or hiding food.
At the ward she has hidden food in her sleeves a couple of times so that means we need to cheek her after a meal to make sure she has actually eaten it. And when she goes back to school one of us is coming there before lunch and eating with her just like we did before she ended in the hospital.
She is going to therapy twice a week and that means getting weight too. If she isn't gaining a set amount pr week they up her meal plan. There is no arguing about any of the new rules, it has to be like that until she is well enough to take back the responsibility and earn our trust back.
We don't want to be this strict with her, she has always been a good kid, but trust is earned, and she has broken that trust.
Joe picks us up after he has been to the pharmacy to pick up fortisips for her in the flavor she requested, chocolate.
"it's so weird to be going home" she mutters in the backseat "are you sure you're okay Ellie?" I ask her and she says she is.
When we get in the door, I hear small footsteps running towards us its aurora and Kenzie "Mommy" Kenzie yells "mom" aurora joins in and hug me tightly. They haven't seen me in person since I went to the hospital with Ellie. I do feel bad about that, but she has needed me to be there with her and that has to take priority at the moment.
"Ellie!" they gush and hug her too and Ellie seems anxious so when the other girls follow joe into the house, I pull her in for a hug "are you okay?"
"Stop asking me that. I'm fine" she groans. "Can I go to my room" she asks. "sure let me help you with your bag"
-Ellies Pov-
Mom follows me upstairs and put my suitcase down and looks hesitantly at me. "Are you sure you're going to be okay. You can come downstairs with me?" she asks, and I can see she is biting her lip, that's a habit I've learned from her.
"i'm fine, I'm dying to just lay down on my bed alone and just relax before lunch. I need some space" I tell her honestly and she agrees but leave the door open and put a doorstopper in it so it's at a 50 degree angle. It's annoying that they're not letting me just be in my room alone with the door closed, but it could be worse, I could be in that stupid hospital.
It's not that I wanted to start eating, I'm gaining weight and look like a whale, but it's better to eat so I can be home than having that stupid tube up my nose because it hurts a lot. Well... I got used to it but it irritated my nose and all the way down, it was really uncomfortable.
I've gained two kilos, one per week I've been there and I feel disgusting, and they want me to gain many more. I have to gain between 500g and one kilo a week until I reach the stupid weight, they demand from me. I'm going to look like the fattest dancer ever, it's embarrassing. Why can't I at least stay like this, I think my body is perfectly fine now.
-taylors pov -
Kenzie and aurora are in the playroom and joe, and I are snuggled on the couch, we haven't gotten any time to be together much since Ellie got in the hospital. I smile at him and lean up for a long kiss "i love you" I say and grin at him "i love you too Taylor. To the moon and to staturn"
"We need to have a date again soon, when Ellie goes to school, we should just hang" I say and kiss his neck. "Hang or have sex? I think you want sex not play scrabble" he says and pull me in his lap, and I wrap my arms around his neck and press my lips to his for an old fashioned makeout session.
"ew mom dad that's disgusting" Ellie says and I laugh and pull away from joe. "what's up sweetie?" I ask her and meet her eyes.
"I was just going to get a glass out water, but you're here with your tongue in eachothers mouths, that's gross" she says and scrunch her nose. "one day Ellie, you're going to enjoy it"
"Never, I will never do that" she says and walk to get a glass of water. "you two are so embarrassing" she calls out from the kitchen.
I make lunch for us all and make sure to portion Ellies according to the meal plan with exchanges we have gotten from the clinic. It's a lot to get used to because everything is laid out with a certain number of exchanges of fruits or greens, dairy, carbs protein and snacks through the day. It's a confusing to get into but at least its straightforward in terms of amounts you just need to put it all together. We have also gotten meal ideas from the ward of things like what to do if we want to make oatmeal or something. And then we have gotten numbers and amounts of exchanges for meals we usually have as a family, so we know what to get her.
Joe gets aurora and Kenzie to the table while I go and get Ellie. "Ellie sweetie, it's time for lunch" I tell her, and she looks hesitantly at me "come on, it's okay" I tell her and reach my hand out for her.
Nervously she takes my hand, and we walk downstairs "if it gets too much Ellie, just whisper it to me and I will try to help you"
She sits down next to me and stare at her food. We are told to not make a big deal at the table and not try to pull all the focus on her and her food. It makes it even more overwhelming, and we are to act normally but also making sure that she has ate the food and not hid it.
"it's better than the hospital food that's for sure" she says with a smile as she takes a bite of the panini we made for lunch. "that's true". She is also having a side of fruit and a glass of milk.
Yesterday in the appointment with the dietician we got ideas for how to make a week's menu to get a sense of control for Ellie in knowing what's coming. She doesn't get to argue about how much is on her plate, but we are encouraged to let her help with the planning in advance, and the other two kids too, so on Sunday we are all sitting down together and making a menu for the coming week.
After about half an hour Kenzie and aurora are done and excused from the table and Ellie isn't even halfway. "Ellie, if you just eat a bit more of your panini and drink half the milk you only need half the supplement. But the time is up so if you quickly take a few more bites and drink half the milk you can get half"
The rule is that she has to eat half of everything to replace half, but if she isn't at half, she gets the whole meal supplemented even if she has eaten. It's a harsh rule but we need boundaries and predictability. Normalcy is important and sitting at the table for hours isn't an option. It wasn't an option in the hospital so now we need to implement that at home too.
"But I've already had all the fruit so I should be able to have less of something else" She argues, and I shake my head. "that's not the rule. Take a few more proper bites and half the milk in the next couple of minutes and I will approve half the meal" i say sternly. We can't waver on the rules, that will only give the eating disorder ideas that it's getting some control back.
With tears rolling down her face she takes four more bites of the panini and half the milk while joe gets the fortisip ready.
Joe takes her plate and give her the fortisip and I look at my watch "you get ten minutes" I tell her and sit there patiently with her as she stares at it but a bit before closing her eyes and just chugging it down before breaking down in tears.
"that's good, I'm so proud of you" I tell her and pull her into my arms "i'm always proud of you but now I'm extra proud of you. You did it. Now we get to hang out for a bit so what do you want to do to get your mind of this" I ask her and let her cry until she calms down.
"Can we get my yoga mat I just want to sit in the living room and stretch. Not do a workout I just want to stretch" she says, and I agree. She isn't allowed to work out at all and only has a certain amount of walking that's allowed but she gets to stretch as that's something that feels good to her.
We go down to the basement dance room and get out two yoga mats "are you going to stretch too mom? You're old, you're not flexible" she laughs, and I giggle "i'm going to try. Once upon a time I could do the splits. Actually, I did a music video back in 2018 where I actually did the splits in pouring rain sliding from the roof of a car and down the front of it" I tell her the story form the delicate music video.
"no way I don't believe you" she laughs and I get out my phone to show her the old music video where I'm dancing to the beat of my own drum.
"what's that song about? I like it" she says when the video is up. "it's something I write after your dad and I started seeing one another, it was actually before we officially became a couple. I just had all these anxieties because a lot was going on in my life and I was scared to fall for him because what if he didn't like me for me. But he is your dad, he is wonderful and turns out I had nothing to worry about"
I remember all the anxieties I had back in the beginning. I was smitten by him, but I was so scared that I was going to get my heart broken once again. At a point I had given up on the idea of love because it never seemed out to work out for me, but he showed that he wanted to stay even when things got crazy.
"Have you dated a lot of people" she asks, and I shrug "I think a lot of people date around when they are young. I needed to kiss a few frogs before I met your dad that turned out to be a prince. That's a part of growing up. A lot of people made me feel bad about it but now I know that I was just doing what normal young people do but I had a lot of people watching me so they were judging me for everything that they thought was wrong with me"
-ellies pov-
I can't believe my mom; my beautiful and perfect mom has people being mean to her. How could anyone dislike her, she is just perfect in every single way.
"I don't understand how people are mean to someone like you. I'm sure you were always loved by everyone. You are just talented and have been since you were my age. I'm nothing compared to you" I tell her.
It's hard to not compare myself to what my mom was doing at my age since everyone else is comparing us. That's what happens when you're the daugther of a celebrity, people judge you about what you were doing when your parents were doing big things.
"I wasn't loved by everyone. I struggled a lot with bullies when I was in school, so that was hard. But just like you have your dance I had music that helped me when things got hard. You're a magnificent person Elliana and you're for sure something special, you're so talented in the things you're good at and I don't want you to forget that." my mom always knows the right things to say and sometimes it's annoying but it's also a good thing because it always makes me feel better even when I don't want to feel better.
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