-joes pov-
On the drive home I feel horrible. Hearing Ellie scream at the top of her lungs like that is something I will never forget. Our little girl is hurting so bad that she decided that starving herself was the right thing to cope with it. We have seen that she is pushing around her dinner and going upstairs after she ate something, but we figured that it was just pre-teen stuff, but we were wrong in that. I wish that we would have noticed before it got to this point. I blame myself for that, I should have seen the signs. I remember when Taylor was struggling and I first saw it and commented on it, I remember the signs she was showing. But Ellie has been a master at hiding it and that in itself is scary.
I get home and Andrea comes to give me a hug and talk with me "how is she?" she asks quietly so the other kids don't hear. "She is admitted and it's not good. She is not cooperating so it's hard to watch and I can't imagine what it's like for her to be forced that way. I'm just going to pack a bag for her and Taylor and take it to them and then I come home" I tell her.
"If Taylor and Ellie need you there you can stay later. I don't have any other plans; I can put the kids to bed, and you can come back when Ellie goes to bed" she tells me, and I thank her. I couldn't ask for a better mother-in-law.
Quickly I pack a bag and head back to the hospital.
-Taylors Pov-
"Elliana, we are finished now but can we tape the tube to your face, and not have you pull it out? It's better for you than having it pulled in and out all the time" the doctor asks Ellie and after a bit she nods and let them tape it to her face and tuck it behind her ear.
She is still crying hard so I sit down on the bed and cradle her thin and fragile body in my arms as the doctors leave us again but there is a nurse in here that's sitting her for an hour to make sure she doesn't purge what they put in her stomach.
"Mom why are you letting them do this to me" she cries, and I kiss the top of her head "sweetie I want you to take this in. We are doing this because we want you to live a long life, and since you refuse to take in something yourself, we need to let the doctors force it. We can't sit and watch you continue to go around without food. It's okay to need help Ellie, it's okay that your head is screaming at you and not being able to do it yourself, but that's why we are here, to help you when you can't help yourself"
She holds onto me for a but before lying back down exhausted from all the fighting. "i'm so fat mom, I can't do this. Even the girls at school tell me how fat I am. You don't get what it's like to be a girl these days"
"When I was younger Ellie, I struggled with eating too. And I didn't realize that I needed help and tried to fight anyone that said I was sick. I didn't want to listen to anyone either, but now I know that they were right. There are so many beauty standards that the media throws at women and girls that it's no wonder a lot of young people struggle with their body image and what they think they're supposed to look like. But I promise you that no matter how many calories you cut down your eating disorder will never be satisfied, it will always tell you that there is some standard of beauty you're not meeting, but it's all lies" I tell her and kiss her forehead.
i have never told her before that I had an eating disorder because I didn't want to inflict any of those thoughts on her. It's a part of my past that I'm not proud of and is still hard to talk about without triggering myself.
"You, you had an eating disorder" she says with a sore voice from all the crying, and I nod "yes I did, for many years and it only got worse before i accepted help" I tell her honestly. "How did you realize you needed help"
I smile gently "your dad. He saw through my façade that no one else cracked through. There was a lot going on in my life around that time and in the midst of that your dad made me realize that what I was doing was dangerous and I would never feel satisfied. I thought that I needed to control my calories to feel beautiful, but it was all a lie because that doesn't make you feel beautiful"
She seems deep in thoughts, and I give her all the time she needs to take in what I'm saying. I remember screaming at joe trying to cling onto any part of my idea of beauty, but he didn't back down, he was just as stubborn as I was. He said the things no one had dared to say because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. No one had told me a lot of the things he told me, and he ended up crying some too saying that he didn't want to lose me. It was shortly after we decided to officially become a couple. He said that he had seen it for a while but didn't feel like it was his place to say something, but as it got worse, he couldn't keep his mouth shut anymore.
"Then what makes you beautiful? You're so pretty mom, how can you not see how beautiful you are, I wished I looked like you." she says and look up at me with her puffy and bloodshot eyes "beauty comes from the inside Elliana. Controlling your body won't make you feel beautiful if you don't feel beautiful on the inside. Your body isn't the problem, it's how you see it, it's how you think about yourself that defines if you think you're beautiful or not"
I need to think deep and try to remember what joe said to me all those years ago. Still to this day I struggle with how I see myself, but most days I look in the mirror and like what I see. I see a grown woman that has grown three beautiful children, I see my boobs that feed them, and I see a body that went through hell but still I'm standing tall. I see a fighter; I see a survivor and that makes me feel beautiful. Joe has taught me to love my stretchmarks, cellulite and saggy boobs. He made he realize that it's what I'm like on the inside that truly makes me beautiful. It doesn't matter if you look like a supermodel if your personality and how you feel on the inside is bad. If you feel horrible about yourself on the inside, you will never like what you see in the mirror.
"so dad saved you?" she says with a cheeky smile, and I giggle "at the beginning yes. But then I learned that in the end I needed to save myself. He held my hand as I climbed back up the deep hole I was in and made me realize all the beautiful things in life means more than the dark thoughts. He made me realize that it's okay to love my body, it's okay to feel beautiful even when you don't meet what the world things is beautiful. He made me realize that what the media says about my body is false because they will always find something they define as wrong. If I controlled one part of my body there would be another party that was wrong in their eyes. I would never satisfy what they would think of my body, so I learned that the only person I needed to satisfy was myself"
I remember the breakdowns I would have whenever I heard a headline about my body and how I looked pregnant when I was a little bloated from my period or because I had just had a meal. The media was so used to pictures of me when I was starved so they thought that any sign of fat on my stomach meant I was pregnant. But I don't even think they actually thought I was pregnant; I know now that they made stuff up to get clickbait so they could make money off it. Headlines about how I was pregnant and questions about who the father was, and other drama sells magazines. They even pretended to have inside sources confirming that I was pregnant every single time and it makes me sick to my stomach.
I wish I realized back then that they didn't care about me at all. They were just concerned with money and not actually if I was pregnant or not. They didn't care that there was an actual person behind the pictures, the world seems to forget that celebrities are humans too. We are held to a ridiculous standard and on a high pedestal that's so unrealistic.
"I wish I was beautiful" she says and wipe away her tears and I sigh "but you are beautiful Elliana. You have always been beautiful because you have a beautiful soul. When you first entered the world and I held you against my chest I saw how beautiful you are on the inside and the outside. I didn't even know your personality or voice yet but I'm your mom and I could tell already. That has never changed, you are so beautiful Elliana"
I am angry at the world for the beauty idea they force on children all over the world. The rate of eating disorders in children are on the rise. Children are dying from this disorder, and the age they are getting them at is sinking, its horrifying to watch as a parent.
"Mom when can I go home" she asks, and I caress her face "honestly Ellie I don't know. It's up to the doctors and how well you accept food. You can't come home before you can eat on your own sweetie, and your heartrate goes up because its dangerously low, that's why you have all the wires on you" I tell her honestly. I don't see a reason to lie about her situation at all.
"But I don't want this. I'm perfectly fine. I want to go home, and I want to go ballet and just have people let me do my thing" she argues, and I sigh "I know you think you are okay, but you're not and that's okay. We won't let you continue with this, I know you're mad about that but that's how it needs to be. But we will get you the help you need and eventually you will step out on that stage again stronger than ever"
** Monday 12th September**
Spending her 12th birthday in the hospital was hard on Ellie as she was being held down and force fed several times a day as she screams at the top of her lungs. It's horrible to watch her go through this and I just wish that she would see that we are just trying to keep her alive. Thankfully her heartrate has gone up a few digits now so that's better than nothing, I guess. Her blood tests aren't too good but it's going in the right direction.
The doctor and someone new come into the room "hi I'm dr Mariah Oliver, a psychiatrist from the eating disorder unit she is referred to by your doctor" she introduces herself and Ellie starts to panic so I take her hand and run circles on the back of it as I say hi to the psychiatrist.
"We think she needs inpatient treatment for a bit to get her medically stable so she can get a lower level of care and eventually transition to outpatient. But we want to move her today over to our ward" she says, and I look at Ellie. "No I'm not going anywhere" she demands.
I sigh "Ellie, it's not up for discussion. You're going" I tell her as she starts to cry.
The psychiatrist comes over and smile gently at her "we use a family-based treatment method on people as young as you, so you get to have your mom there with you. But we need to do this because you're unwell and need some help to get back on your feet" she tells Ellie.
Joe and I talked about it and decided that it would be best for Ellie that I was the one that primarily stayed with her, and he takes the younger kids. She isn't allowed in the bathroom on her own so I've been going with her, and she is so weak she can't even change her clothes, so she needs her mom there. We have also had a special bond after everything we went through together all those years ago.
"i've been stuck in here all weekend. I want to go outside; I don't want to be here. I don't want this stupid tube" she whines. "You can get time outside the ward with your mom when you're more stable."
She goes on and explain a bit about how the unit works, and how Ellie is getting one of the few medical beds they have for the children that are not yet medically stable but it's better for them to be in a ward that also has psychiatric helpers.
**
Joe comes for when we are going to move her to the unit, and she is picking a fight with all of us. "i'm not going" she screams and slide down on the floor. They have already disconnected her from the IV, but it's still in her hand because they are going to hock her up again when we get there, and she still has the tube in her nose. She has pulled it out several times, but she has realized that it hurts to get it in and out all the time so it's better to just keep it there.
"Elliana we aren't asking. You have. a choice. you can go with mom and dad, or we need to let them drag you there. Either way you are going sweetie. Its nearby so they said we can weel you there in the wheelchair as long as we have two nurses from the ward with us. Or they can come and take you in an ambulance and hold you down. Either way you're going" joe says sternly at her. She isn't listening to reason at all these days but we aren't surprised with everything going on and her brain being so severely starved.
Eventually she agrees to come with us, so she gets her blanket over her legs and joe pushes her while two nurses from the ward is walking with us. They are scared she is going to try to run away so they insisted that we had more people with us, but it's not far away, it's just out one door, walking five minutes and then we are there.
"Just so you know. This doesn't mean I'm agreeing to anything. I just don't want them to carry me" she says and cross her arms, she is so stubborn. "I know Ellie"
The ward looks different than the other hospital, it doesn't look much like a hospital at all. There are lots of colors, activity rooms and not much medical equipment lining the ward. It's refreshing that it looks more normal than what we have seen the last few days.
But as soon as we get into the ward Ellie panics and try to run for the door but its locked so the patients can't get out. "Mom please" she says, and I wrap my arms around her and let her cry against my chest. "you're not alone Ellie. I'm right here with you, and we are going to get you home again, you just need some help first"
I wrap an arm around her shoulders and the three of us follow a nurse into a room with two beds that are reserved for young kids that are in the family program so they can have a parent here with them. It's a bright room and doesn't look like a hospital at all other than the pole with iv fluids they are going to hock her up to.
She sits down on the bed and looks deflated
-ellies pov-
Am I really going to stay here? At least it doesn't look like a hospital, but I don't want to be here, and I don't understand why everyone can't just listen to me when I say I'm fine. There is nothing wrong with me, I'm perfectly fine. I can eat on my own, it's not like I actually stopped eating to begin with, the only reason I stopped is because everyone found out and then I didn't feel like pretending anymore.
"so I'm going to go home and pack some more stuff for you two. Is there anything you particularly want Ellie" my dad says, and I think. "Yeah, can I have a few books, my hygiene stuff, my pillow, and some school stuff" I ask. I need some things to do here, or I might go insane. "sure no problem" he says and kiss my forehead.
My mom says what to bring for her, but I don't pay attention to it I just lay down and try to take in what's happening. I never thought I would end up somewhere like this, I just wanted to lose some weight to get back control.
I haven't talked to anyone about what started this, and I don't know if I can even put it into words. I just feel so out of control in my life and the memories from what happened all those years ago come back at inconvenient times. Most of it I can't even remember most of the time, but some of it comes back every once in a while, and it makes me panic. But I have figured out that if I just don't eat, I don't need to feel those feelings. Not to mention that I'm Taylor swifts daugther, I need to look pretty because there are pictures being taken of me and people are judging how I look. I know I'm not supposed to search about these things on the internet, but I just do. And then I got tips from sites about how to lose weight and when I started I just couldn't stop.
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