-ellies pov-
I'm not feeling good when I get to school. My mouth is dry, and it feels like my body is falling apart. But I just got to keep going, I can't cave to what my parents want me to do. They don't realize that in the long haul it will be better for them too if I'm skinny. Everything that's wrong with my life will be better if I'm just a few sizes smaller, and I don't understand why they don't realize that.
"Ellie are you okay. You look pale" Lauren says as we are in class, but I can't pay attention to anything right now. My vision or blurry and my head is pounding. I shake my head to get myself back together "yeah I'm fine" I lie. I'm not fine and I know that.
I can hear my heartbeat ringing in my ears and I can hardly hear anything around us, so I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. But as soon as I go into the hallway and pass by the nurse's office the world turns sideways before it goes dark.
-Taylors pov-
At 10am we get a phone call and I see it's from the school and I close my eyes and take a deep breath because I know this isn't good. They never call unless it's something bad.
"Hello, its Mrs. Alwyn speaking" I answer the phone and hold my breath.
"hi, it's the nurse from Elliana's school. She fainted in the hallway and was unresponsive, an ambulance was called, and she is taken to the local children's hospital" she says, and I want to throw up and look wide eyed at joe on the verge of tears.
"Ok. We will head there right away" I say, and she gives me more information before we hang up and I turn to joe "I knew we shouldn't have let her go to school today. She passed out and is in the hospital... Fuck..." I say and he comes over and rub my back before we rush to get to the hospital.
It feels like time passes by slower than ever on our way there but eventually we reach the hospital and meet Ellie in the emergency room, she is still unconscious and there are doctors all around her. "Are you her parents?" one doctor addresses us, and I nod "yes, Taylor and joe Alwyn" I tell him.
"As you know she fainted. We have done a couple of tests and she is severely dehydrated and malnourished. In talking with her doctor, I'm informed that she has Anorexia nervosa. We want to admit her to hospital for refeeding. She has low blood pressure and heartrate, and we are waiting on labs now" he says, and I try to take it in.
"mom" Ellies weak voice says, and I go over to her and caress her face before taking her hand. "hi sweetie. You're in the hospital now. You passed out at school" I tell her and kiss her forehead before the doctor speaks again.
"We want to start her on fluids and vitamins through an IV so we can get her thiamine under control. It's important so we can avoid refeeding syndrome. We took a weight of her right before you got here and she lost another kilo and a half since her appointment on Monday. So she is severly underweight" he says, and I furrow my eyebrows" what's refeeding syndrom?" I ask. He goes on and explain how starvation affects the body and how the metabolic breakdown shift when you go from starvation to taking in nutrient again. Aperently long story short it can kill you in extreme cases.
"Do whatever you need to do to help her" I tell them and turn back to Ellie and caress her face again. "We are giving her one chance to eat something, or we should consider other options" he says.
Ellies eyes widen "not please, no mommy daddy. Please don't let them do this to me. I don't want this. Please let me go home. I will be better, I promise you" she begs and while fighting back tears I sit down on the edge of her bed "sweetie, it's gone too far. You need more help and what we have done the last couple of days have made it worse. It's okay to need help sometimes Elliana"
With Ellie sobbing they roll Ellie in her hospital bed to a private room in one of the medical wards of the hospital. Thankfully we at least have a private room to shield her as much as we can. The last thing we want is to make it harder for her by having this across every headline.
On our way out the door we got a comfy outfit for her so the nurse dethatches her from the iv and take of the leads on her chest so she can get on something better than her school uniform. Joe turns around while I help the sobbing almost 12-year-old out of her clothes. Tomorrow is her 12th birthday, but she is going to spend it in hospital.
After I get her into her clothes, I help her back in bed and the nurse comes back to attach the wires again and then an extra cardiac monitor device just in case something happens to her heart which is scary to hear at all. She also puts the infusion back on the iv in her arm and goes to get her something to eat.
I sit down on her bed on the other side from the iv and wrap my arms around her and let her sob into my chest while joe sits down at the end of the bed and rub her back. There isn't really anything we can say right now to make it better, all we can do is be there for her and get her the best help we can.
The nurse comes back in with a measured amount of some kind of drink. "so this is fortisip. It's a measured amount so we can control the calories. We need you to drink this Elliana" she says with a gentle smile and pull one of those rolling tables over and put the cup in front of Ellie.
"Please mom. Don't make me do this. I don't want to do this" she whimpers and look up at me with tears in her eyes which almost makes me cry too. "We need you to do this Elliana. Come on. I'm right here holding you, but I can't drink it for you" I tell her and kiss her forehead.
The nurse sits on a chair for half an hour as joe and I try to convince Ellie to drink but we aren't getting anywhere. Then the doctor comes inn to cheek on how we are doing "are you sure you don't want to try Elliana" he asks her, but she shakes her head and burrow her head into the pillow.
the doctor motions for us to come over closer to him so both joe and I do that and the nurse too. "i'm putting in an order for a nastro gastric feeding tube with bolus feeding if she is refusing, but I would prefer to put her on a pump ideally, but we want to limit the amount of force we perform on children, especially with her history. We can't give her longer to start eating as her labs aren't looking good, they just came in. How long has she been doing this?" he tells us and then asks us that dreaded question.
"I found a little book in her bathroom; it says she has been going for several months but it's gotten worse and worse. For the past two weeks she has hardly had anything, and even less after we found out. I'm so mad at myself for not noticing" I say and rub my temple.
"don't beat yourself up over this. It's hard to notice because the kids get creative with ways to hide it. Oftentimes parents don't notice before it's gone pretty far. All you need to focus on now is getting your little girl better" he says with a gentle smile and continue to tell us his plan.
The doctor and nurse go to get things ready, and I call my mom who picks up quickly. "Hi mom. Could you do us a favor and pick up Kenzie and aurora from school. We are in the hospital with Ellie" I tell her.
"what's going on?" we have avoided telling anyone yet, so I go into the bathroom so Ellie can't hear but still speak quietly "she has anorexia, and it's pretty bad. So she passed out and now they are preparing to tube her" I tell her quickly what's going on and she is pretty shocked.
"oh, poor baby. Of course I will pick up the other girls. You tend to her, and I got the other two until one of you can come home" she tells me, and I thank her before going back to Ellies side. She is laying there staring into the roof.
"Ellie, are you sure you don't want to try drinking it. It's your last chance before the doctors need to try something else?" I try to talk to her but she hods over her ears clearly not interested in listening. I know what they are about to do will break her little hear, but she isn't leaving us with much choice. She needs the calories and if she can't do it for herself, we need to do it for her.
The doctor comes in and he has three nurses with him as well as the equipment needed. Ellie sees this and her eyes widen "what's that. Do not touch me" she snaps "I let you do the thing in my hand. You're not doing anything else" she says, and her breathing picks up as she is panicking.
I sit down on the edge of her bed "Ellie, when you decide that you're not going to eat we need to take over and make food go to your belly. They're going to put a tub up your nose and down into your stomach so we can get nutrients in you-" I start to tell her but that makes her shoot out of bed and hide behind me. "No mom no. Do not let them do this to me" she bawls.
Joe and I exchange looks. We know what we need to do. "Maybe you two can manage to get her back in bed or we need to force her" the doctor says quietly, and joe comes over next to me as Ellie slide down on the floor. I crouch down in front of her "Elliana you need to listen to me. You need to get back in the bed" I tell her softly, but she isn't having any of it, so joe picks her up and place her down in the bed as she is kicking and screaming.
"Please let me go. I will be better please. No" she screams at the top of her lungs and my heart breaks for her.
"i'm sorry sweetie, but we need to let them do this" I say, and we step back and let the nurses do what they need to do and hold her down as she is screaming and desperately trying to get away. I can't even look without bursting into tears, so I turn around and take deep breaths while joe rubs circles on my back. "They are doing this to help her Taylor. Remember that" he whispers in my ear.
"The tub is in and in the correct place" the doctor says, and the nurse makes room for me at her side so I can at least try to comfort her. "Ellie it's okay, I'm here. You're not alone Elliana" I tell her and hold her hand as they are pinning her down. It is a horrible site; it feels like such an invasion, but they are doing it to save her life and I need to remind myself of that. Joe is behind me and has an arm around me and one on her legs.
"Mommy it hurts, let me go" she screams, and I focus on taking deep breaths. "They are almost done Ellie and then you will get a big cuddle" I tell her and try to keep the tears away.
It takes in total about half an hour before they are done and take the tube out and let us comfort her. She is in full hysteria at this point so she rips out her iv and run to the bathroom to try and throw it up, but we run after her and joe catches her just as she reaches the toilet and pull her away and pin her arms down "daddy" she screams and I count to then in my head as the nurses tend to her hand that's obviously now bleeding.
One nurse holds pressure on her hand while joe carries her back to bed and is sit down and hold her in my arms. "I don't want this. Please mommy, daddy" she whimpers as she sobs as the nurse gets the bleeding under control before moving the line further up her arm.
"Elliana, I need you to take deep breaths. This is hard and I know that, but we are here with you. You're not going through this alone" I tell her and kiss the top of her head. It's not like she is a 12-year-old right now, she is like a little child clinging to men and its heartbreaking to watch. I did not think things would escalate this quickly after we finally figured out what was going on with her.
After an hour of hysteric crying, it turns into sniffles "Mom why are you doing this to me. I want to go home; I want to go to ballet" she says and sit more up in the bed and look absolutely exhausted "because you are anorexic sweetie. And that means you need help. And when the help dad and I give you aren't enough we need to let the doctors help you" I tell her honestly.
No parent wants their child in this situation if there are ways to avoid it, but we are left with no choice if she won't even try to eat herself. "I really hate you for doing this" she says and lay down and I take her hand on mine "I know. And I can take it. But I won't let this kill you Elliana. You can hate us all you want but we aren't going to let this illness kill you" I tell her and joe agree.
Eventually she falls asleep, and joe and I need to figure out what to do next. We stand by the window looking out and he has his arms wrapped around me. "i'm so proud of you Taylor. I can see how hard you're working to keep calm and I'm so proud of you. We need to be united if we are going to get her through this" he says, and I lean my head against his chest.
"I just wish I knew what I could do to help her" I say and look down, but he tilts my head so I'm looking at him "you're doing everything you can Taylor. You're getting her help, that's all we can do right now. We can hold her hand and tell her taht we love her but he firm with letting the doctors and nurses do their job to heal her physically. Mentally is another story but we will go to that appointment at that clinic and try to figure out the right way to help her" he leans down and kiss me softly.
We stay wrapped in each other's arms for a bit more before he announces that he will go home to the other girls "I will go home to aurora and Kenzie so you can stay here with her. But I will pack a bag for both of you because I have a feeling we will be here for a bit" he says and kiss me again. "I love you" I tell him and kiss him several more times. "I love you too Taylor"
**
It's been four hours since they gave Ellie the first tube feeding, and she is sitting in bed on her phone and I'm sitting next to her on mine as we try to get the time to pass. I've been trying to get her to talk but she is refusing so now we are waiting for joe to come with a bag and some food for me while I'm also just waiting for the next time they're coming in to feed Ellie.
Three nurses and a doctor come in again and Ellies eyes widen "No mom not again" she sobs and hold onto me, and I brush her hair out of her face and sit down on her bed. "Elliana, please, let them do it and it won't hurt as much. I know you don't want this; I know you think that it's the end of the world. But you need this and you're getting it regardless of you want or not. You can choose, I can hold you close, or I can step away and let them hold you down. There are no other options here, you don't have a choice" I tell her softly but sternly. I just want her to understand that there isn't a way out, not getting something in her belly isn't an option.
"How can you do this to me. I'm your daugther" she yells, and I sigh "it's because you're my daugther I'm doing this Ellie. Because I love you and I don't want your body to shut down over this. It's gone too far already"
"I hate you. I hate you. I would rather die. Mommy just let me die. I don't want this" she screams at the top of her lungs, and I take a step back to let them work "I love you Elliana, that's why I do this"
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Not so fun fact. I've had thiamine injections and they hurt like hell in my opinion.
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