-Taylors pov-
We get all three kids in bed and tuck them in before joe and I get some alone time downstairs. I know that joe have been thinking about something this afternoon because I can see it on his face that he is bursting to tell me something.
"so, what's wrong joe" I ask as we sit down on the couch.
"honestly, I don't know for sure. But Kenzie told me something that worried me today. I know how we have thought something is going on with Ellie, but I think we have been blind to something" he says, and I get really nervous and wait for him to continue "i don't know for sure. But Kenzie said that she is throwing out her lunch every day. And then I think about it, how she is picking at her food and going to the bathroom if she eats something. I think... something is up with her, and I don't like where this is going"
My jaw drops, why the fuck haven't I connected the dots. Could she really have an eating disorder. "Well, this we need to figure out asap because if it's true we need to help her before it escalates. But you're right. I just thought that she went quickly up to her room because she is annoyed by us, that what she says, but it makes sense that it might be an issue"
We decide that I should go up and talk to her, she is reading a book like she always does before she goes to bed so I make my way to her room and knock softly before entering.
She is lying in bed reading a harry potter book that I've just gotten her hooked on. "Sweetie, I wanted to talk to you about something" I say and sit down on the edge of her bed.
"Your sister said something today that concerned us, and I wanted to make sure that you're okay. Why have you been throwing out your lunch? And why do you run upstairs if we see you eating something? Are you okay Elliana" I ask her honestly. I could probably beat around the bush, but I want to get straight to the point.
She shifts uncomfortably "well she is lying. I'm fine. I don't skip food, I'm fine. I run upstairs because I'm 12, hanging around with baby sisters and parents isn't fun" she says and cross her arms defensively. "it's late, I want to go to sleep" she says and turn of her nightlight.
I turn it back on "Elliana, its' okay if you're not okay honey. You can tell me anything. There is nothing you could tell me that I wouldn't want to talk to you about, know that I'm always here" I tell her, and she turns out the lamp again "goodnight"
**
Joe has taken the girls to school and I'm pacing around the living room trying to figure out what to do next. This morning Ellie didn't even bother eating anything, she just sits there and stared out into nothing. She might know that we are onto her, and I don't know what to do. I used to be the person in her position, and I feel stupid that I didn't spot this sooner. I should have known better, after all I know all the tricks she could be using.
With a deep breath I go upstairs to investigate her room. She is going to be pissed when she figures that out, but I don't really have a choice when she is refusing to talk to me or joe. If she can't talk about it, we need to figure it out on our own and then figure out what to do about it as a family.
Going into her room it doesn't seem like the room of someone struggling. Its tidy and everything seems to be in the same place as always. She has always been a perfectionist and needed everything to be a certain way or she would panic. We hoped that would get better as she has gotten older but sadly it hasn't, maybe that was yet another sign we didn't see.
I go through her drawers and make sure to look under the clothes. That's where I find those fiber one 70 calorie bars, 100calorie bars, laxative tablets and those quick packages of caffeine for your drink to give you energy. where she has gotten ahold of all this, I have no idea. She doesn't go to the shops on her own so she must have gotten someone to get it for her and I'm going to find out who that person is.
I remove all of it and continue to look around. Under her bed I find bags of old food that she has hid there probably until she could figure out a way to get rid of it so I grab that too so I can throw it away.
Then I go into her bathroom, it looks the same as it always does, but I know better now. She is hiding something; she has an issue and we have been blind to it. We should have noticed sooner; she has been in pain, and we have been blind to it all.
I go through her cupboards and that's when I find a scale and a tape measurer. Where she got the scale, I don't know, we don't keep scales at all in this house as it triggers me, and the girls shouldn't think that they need to weigh themself. The only place they should weigh themself in my eyes is at the doctor's office.
I also find a notebook and hesitantly I look at it. It's an invasion of privacy, and I hate that I have to do this. But we need to know exactly how bad this is so we can help her.
There are a lot of numbers here, and dates. I can see she has been doing this for months and the weight Is dropping faster and faster which isn't a surprise when I see that the calories are dropping too. The last two weeks it's been worse than before that. Her calories are barely anything. I grab my phone and put the numbers in my phone to cheek where she lies on the percentile for her age. We all know that BMI is bullshit in most cases, but I just have an intense need to know. Weight doesn't matter when it comes to an eating disorder when it comes to the mental part, it's a mental illness, but the weight is important for the physical side.
I bite my lip when I see the number. This is bad... really bad. This needs to be dealt with asap because she is not okay, and we need to contact the doctor. If it wasn't too bad, I think we should have talked to her and maybe get her on board, but this is not even remotely safe.
I take all the stuff with me downstairs where joe Is coming through the door, and I have tears in my eyes and run into his arms. "Oh Taylor, what's up?" he says and hold me close.
"There is no doubt. She has an eating disorder. I found a lot of stuff in her room and bathroom. It's worse than we could imagine. It's worse than I ever was by the looks of it. I was on my way to call the doctor now" I tell him and show him everything.
"How fucking stupid are we. It's so obvious now that I found all of this. But she has been too good at hiding It" I start to sob lightly "I should have seen the signs. Years ago, this was me, but now it's happening to her and it's probably all my fault" I sob.
Joe pulls me into his arms again "Taylor takes deep breaths. Now we know, that's what we need to focus on. And we need to find the best way to approach this. We are going to get her the best help we can and then we will take it one step at a time love"
I always thought that I would see the signs of our children developing eating disorders when I had one myself. Out of everyone I should have seen it but clearly, I didn't.
We call the doctor's office and get an appointment for after school. She is going to be so fucking pissed, but we can't let her keep going with this. She needs help whether she likes it or not.
-Ellies pov-
I can't concentrate on school today. My world is crumbling because my stupid little sister saw something she shouldn't and tattled to mom and dad. Now they are suspicious, and I hate that. Why couldn't she just mind her own business.
This morning I didn't even pretend to eat breakfast. It hurts so bad to throw it back up and I don't want to deal with it. They seem like they are onto me anyway, so I don't care anymore. There is nothing they can do about it; I don't want to eat, and they can't make me. No one is going to take this from me, in the end they will realize it's for the best for all of us.
**
Its mom that picks us up from school today and I know something is up with her. She is not a good actress and that makes me more nervous.
Today harper and dad come out and harper takes aurora and Kenzie inside while dad gets in with us. I bite my lip "what's going on?" I say and look out the window, I don't want them to see how scared I am.
"Ellie I went through your room" my mom says, and my eyes widen, and I snap my head towards her "you did what?! That's not okay, that's my private space! How could you!" I yell at her.
She tries to take my hand, but I snatch it away. They invaded my privacy, that's so over the line. I thought they trusted me.
"Elliana you know what I found. We didn't want to invade your privacy, but we knew something was going on and since you weren't talking, we needed to figure out ourselves. So now you, your dad and I are going to the doctor's office" she says, and I get out of the car, I'm not going anywhere.
My mom gets out too and open the door back up for me "no I'm not going anywhere!" I scream at her and my dad gets out too.
"Ellie, it's just a doctor's appointment because you're not okay and we need to figure out what kind of help to give you. You're not going through this alone Ellie; we are with you, but you need to come with us. This isn't up for discussion" mom says and try to usher me to the car by holding a hand on my small back btu I sit down on the ground "i'm not going anywhere. Leave me alone. I'm fine. I promise I will be better" I sob.
Why couldn't they just leave me alone. It would be better for all of us if they just let me do what I need to do.
Dad lifts me up and put me in the backseat while my mom gets in next to me and buckle me in. "no I'm not going please; I will be better" I sob as mom holds me close.
-taylors pov-
I haven't seen her this upset since we got out of that basement all those years ago. She is sobbing her eyes out and is borderline hysteric. This all just proves that she has been desperate to hide this for us.
"Mom please don't make me go. Mommy" she whimpers against my chest as I hold her tight. "Elliana, we need to get you some help" I tell her and kiss her head.
We get there and get ushered into the doctor's office right away. Ellie is refusing to sit down she stands against the wall with her arms crossed over her chest and with puffy and red eyes from crying.
Dr carol comes in and shakes out hands. "so Elliana. Do you want to tell me a bit about what's going on" she asks Ellie, but she shakes her head and look down but that's not a surprise. I didn't expect her to talk.
"Well. We got told that she hasn't been eating her lunch at school. And then we put two and two together with the fact that she doesn't eat much at home either and then if she does, she rushes upstairs right after. We tried to talk to her, but we didn't get anywhere so I went through her room this morning" I tell the doctor all about it while Ellie slides down against the wall and cry begging me to stop talking.
"Elliana" dr carol says and turn to her but she isn't listening, so she talks to us. "We need a weight, blood pressure, an ECG and to draw some blood and I'm going to send a referral to a therapist that specialize in eating disorders in children. There is a local clinic that I've sent families too and they have helped a lot of the children I've sent there. They have different levels of help so they will figure out what she needs" she tells us, and I nod.
"i'm not going to a therapist. I'm fine" Ellie groans and I sigh. "You need help Ellie, and we are going to get you the help you need. But you need to do the test the doctors said." I tell her and crouch down in 'front of her and caress her face.
"we need her to take of her clothing down to her underwear to make sure she isn't hiding any weights on her body" dr carol says and I nod.
"I will wait outside" joe says and caress Ellie head. "Sweetie, please do what the doctor says. We aren't leaving before you do it. It's because we love you and want you to be safe" he tells her and leaves the room.
I pick her up and set her on the bench where they do examinations, but she isn't having any of it. Clearly, she is just as stubborn as her mother.
"Has she gotten her period yet? She is almost 12" the doctor says, and I shake my head "no she hasn't"
Turning my attention to Ellie, I hold her hands "Ellie I know you're mad and don't want to do this. But we need you to do this, and then we can go home okay."
Reluctantly after about half an hour of convincing her to get weighed she takes of her uniform leaving herself in her panties and training bra. She doesn't have boobs but all the kids in her class uses them, so she insists too, she says she just wants to fit in.
I try to keep my expression calm, but she looks really sick when I see her body in full. I've known she is skinny, but she is a ballet dancer and works out a lot because of that. Most ballet dancers are skinny. But this is worse than i thought. Her hipbones, collarbones and ribs are so defined that it's hard to look at.
First, she takes a height "she is 145cm long" the doctor says and take note of it. Ellies eyes are full of tears, and she is lightly sobbing and my heart breaks for her. Then she steps on the scale and the kg shows and that makes me sick to my stomach. she is fading away in front of our eyes.
She gets to put her clothes back on and they take a blood pressure which is low and an EKG which seems fine thankfully.
Dr carol turns to Ellie "i'm going to be honest with you Elliana. if you lose any more weight, I don't have another choice than to admit you to hospital because you're dangerously underweight. I'm reluctantly to let you home today, but I will send a referral to the eating disorder clinic and then set up a follow-up appointment with you I am week." she tells Ellie but more me as Ellie isn't listening to anything being said right now. She is blocking everything out, just like I used to do.
Ellie goes with joe to take the blood test while I speak with the doctor.
"Until she gets an appointment, I recommend that you and your husband just try to make sure that she is eating anything at all. Sit with her until she is done and not let her leave your sight right after, so she doesn't throw it back up. If it gets any worse just contact us but some kids turn it around themself when they realize that now people know, and they will eventually be forced to make changes. But we will see you again in a week and take it from there. I'm making the referral an emergency case because of her low BMI, so you should have an appointment soon" I take in what she is saying.
"The only reason I'm not admitting her to the medical ward today is because her EKG is borderline and not flat out bad. But that might change quickly if this isn't handled" she tells me, and I nod. At least her heart seems fine and that's the only positive news to come from this appointment.
"Should we let her go to dance? Or should we refuse until she eats properly?" I ask her and she thinks for a second. "For now, I would let her because it's the one thing she really loves. But if this continues by next week, I don't think its responsible anymore. It's a tight line between protecting her health and then nurturing the things that mean a lot to her. But take it on a day-by-day basis. If she doesn't look okay, I wouldn't let her but it's up to you for now. we need to see how this progresses"
**
We get home and Elliana runs upstairs and slams the door to her room shut after yelling that she hates us. I sit down on the bottom stairs and take deep breaths and joe sits down next to me "we will figure this out Taylor. It's going to be hard but we will figure it out" he says and kiss the side of my face.
I make dinner and joe helps aurora and Kenzie with some homework while we give Ellie some time to calm down. I'm not going to pretend that this is easy for her.
Eventually I put the dinner on the table and joe gets aurora and Kenzie ready while I take a deep breath and go upstairs to get Ellie.
I knock on her door before entering and she is laying on her bed and have clearly been crying so I go and sit down next to her and rub her back. "Elliana, we are doing this because we love you and don't want this to affect your body long term" I tell her, but she just glares at me.
"Well, I hate you. You're ruining my life. I hate you. My life is shit because of you. It's all your fault and now you're taking the one thing I have away from me. I hate you mom, I really hate you" she yells at me, and I can already tell this is going to be a nightmare.
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