** September 6th 2032**
-taylors pov-
My eyes flutter open when I feel soft lips against mine "good morning love" joe says and kiss me again "good morning" I grin and wrap my arms around his neck pulling him down for another kiss.
"If we didn't need to get up with the kids, I would rip your clothes off right now" I say against his lips, and he laughs. "Well today we have the house to ourselves, so we have time later" he says and kiss me one last time before getting out of bed.
We have about half an hour before we need to wake the kids, so we jump in the shower together to get a quick morning wash up before we get the day started.
Today we officially have a first grader, a third grader and a six grader. That's crazy to think about, the time has for sure flown by in an instant. It feels like yesterday when each and every one of them was laid against my chest for the first time, and now they are all in school.
I get dressed in a pair of jeans and a knitted sweater and do my hair and makeup in record time. That's one of the many skills you acquire as a parent, getting ready in under ten minutes because most of the time that's all you get.
Going into aurora's room I turn on the lights and caress her face "sweetie its morning, its school today. Time to get up" I tell her and kiss her forehead. She is not a morning person, out of our three kids only Kenzie is a morning person, but they obviously need to get to school on time.
(Auroras room)
"Mom no, it's early" she says and jawns "I know, but its school" I tell her and get her out of bed with a lot of whining. "Get dressed, brush your teeth and then come downstairs for breakfast and hair" I tell her and go to wake Ellie, joe is working on getting Kenzie ready.
(Kenzie room)
-Ellies Pov-
(Ellies room)
"Ellie, its morning. Time to get up, its school today" my mom says, and I groan and roll over in bed to meet her eyes "morning munchkin, breakfast is ready" she says and kiss my forehead before walking out to probably get my siblings ready. Today is the first day of middle school and I'm not looking forward to it at all.
I bite my lip and close the door before going into my bathroom and locking the door so no one can come in.
From the cupboard, all the way in the back I pull out my scale and strip down naked and step on it. Down 200g from yesterday. Sighing I write it down in my notebook and take out my measuring tape to check my stomach and thighs.
Looking at my naked body in the mirror I feel disgusting. I look so fat, and it makes me sad that I can't be as pretty as mom or the girls in my class.
Being Taylor swift and joe Alwyn's daugther isn't easy because the world is watching my every move. My mom doesn't know that I look up stuff on the internet on my phone about them and mostly about me. I want to see any picture of me out there because I want to see what people say about me and if they notice I'm working on losing weight. I just want to be skinny so people can like me, I want to be skinny so maybe I won't get bullied anymore.
I put everything back in its hiding spots and get dressed for school, but I don't go downstairs, I don't want to have breakfast. It will just make it worse.
"Ellie sweetie, mom has breakfast for you downstairs" my dad says and come into my room with Kenzie beside him and I nod and bite the inside of my cheek.
I guess there is no way out of this, so I go downstairs to mom smiling and putting down my breakfast she has prepared for me. Immediately I start to calculate the calories and what I need to do to make up for it. It's hard to not get my parents suspicious about what im doing, but I've gotten pretty good at it now. They are clueless and I like it that way. If they knew they would be so disappointed in me, but I'm doing it for everyone around me, I will be more liked and then my parents will be proud of me.
"Are you ready for school Ellie?" my mom says as she braids my hair as I force myself to eat some of my food. "yeah" I lie. I'm not ready for school, I hate school.
"i'm sure you're going to have a good day, Ellie. Starting middle school is exiting" she says and kiss the top of my head. If she only knew how bad things are at school. I don't tell them about it, I don't want to be labeled as a snitch, it's bad enough already.
After I finish about half of my breakfast, I excuse myself from the table and make my way upstirs to my bathroom again and turn on the water. I don't want to do this, it hurts, but it's for the better of everyone, so I open the toilet and let a tear roll down my face.
-taylors pov-
Ellie goes upstairs after barely touching her breakfast, she ate maybe half of it. But she doesn't usually like breakfast so getting her to eat at all is a challenge, but I'm getting worried about her. There is something up with her, but I have no idea what it is. It might be something at school, or maybe what happened all those years ago is haunting her again, I don't know, and I hate that. Not knowing what's wrong with your child is the worst feeling, I just wish she would talk to me. We used to be so close, btu she has grown more distant the last year, and especially the last six months.
After getting aurora and Kenzie's hair done and all their lunchboxes ready Ellie finally comes downstairs again but looks really pale as we get ready to head out the door. "Sweetie are you okay" I say and rub her back "yeah, why wouldn't I be" she says but she always says that, and I know that she is lying at this point. There is something wrong, but she doesn't want to talk to me.
It's my turn to take the girls to school so I drive us there and aurora and Kenzie is talking nonstop in the car while Ellie sits quiet in the front next to me. I know I need to take her aside when we get home and take a real talk with her. We can't keep going like this, it's not good for her. If she is in pain, I wish she would talk about it, things are better when you can talk about it, I've learned that the hard way.
We reach the school and get out of the car, and I make sure that aurora has her PE kit ready to go and check again that Ellies dance bag is ready in the car for after school.
I go to kiss Ellies forehead, but she groans "Mom not at school, you're so embarrassing" she groans. "Bye, see you after school" she says and go off somewhere, probably to talk to her friends that are much cooler than her mom.
Both aurora and Kenzie walk with me into the school though, in their eyes I'm still a little cool at least. Aurora sees ruby, the girl that also was in the NICU at the same time as her and gives me a big hug before running off to her.
"That leaves just you Kenzie. Let's go find your classroom" I tell her and hold her hand as she skips along beside me. "Mommy I'm going to be a good gymnast like aurora" she announces, and I smile down at her.
"You can be whatever you want to be in life Kenzie as long as you work hard for it" I tell her as we reach her classroom, and she gives me a big cuddle before going in and joining her friends.
-Ellies Pov-
Hi Ellie" Lauren says as I join her and our other friend Katelyn, but she goes by Katie. "hi" I greet them both and fake a smile.
I don't have many friends, I'm not exactly the popular girl in the class. It seems like I can't do anything right these days, people think that I'm annoying or just straight up stupid and ugly. That's not just my thoughts, I've been told that by the popular girls. Rebecca and her sidekicks Halsey and anna are always out to get me for even the tiniest slipup. I don't know what I did that made them hate me that much, but aperently I'm just a waste of space according to them. But I don't blame them really, I am nothing compared to how amazing my parents are, and they make sure to remind me that I'm the embarrassing daugther of two of the most successful celebrities in the world.
**
The morning classes have been boring, its way to easy so I just quickly do what I'm supposed to do and spend the rest of the time staring into my desk when I don't have something else given to me. Most teachers give me some harder stuff but not everyone does it.
It's hard to be considered gifted because it makes school harder in a way. You wouldn't think it had that kind of effect, but it does because it makes you different. When you're in school, and especially a girl, you don't want to stick out like a sore thumb from the rest of the class. You want to fit in and be liked, but that's never been me. I've never been the popular girl, I've always been the weird girl that needs special education because her brain works differently than most kids. I wish that I wasn't gifted, I wish that I was like everyone else so I could at least have one thing that makes me fit in. I want to be invisible, that's all I want.
Thankfully both Lauren and Katie are at school today so have someone to sit with at lunchtime. Occasionally they are both away and that means I just end up eating alone in a bathroom stall because it's embarrassing to sit alone in the cafeteria and having everyone look at you.
"aren't you going to eat your food Ellie?" Lauren says and take a bite of her sandwich. "i'm not hungry" I lie to her. I'm always hungry, but it's important to cut as many calories as I can, I just want to be beautiful, so why not just accept that there is pain needed to get there. I just know that if I keep losing weight at least I don't have to be embarrassed about that part of me. I have a goal weight, well I had, but I keep reaching them, so I just make a new one.
I stopped eating my lunch months ago back in April and stuck with it for the last few months of school. At least that way I could eat dinner at home and not have my parents bugging me about it. But then... that wasn't enough... it feels like it's never enough for my head, there is always something new to reach.
-taylors pov-
I get home and sit down on the couch with joe, but I'm lost in my head. I don't know what's going on with Ellie and it's really bugging me. Is there something I'm missing? Is there something going on with her that I'm just not seeing? I feel like such a terrible parent that can't even spot what's going on with my daugther.
"what's up Tay?" joe says and pauses the show we are watching, and I sigh "something is going on with Ellie and I have no idea what's up. She is flat out lying that she is fine, I know it, I can see it in her eyes. She is pale, distant and just not like the Ellie we had a year ago. Sure she is growing up but there is something wrong that I'm not seeing" I tell him and rest my head in my hands.
"I know. There is something up. Maybe... is it hormones or something?" he says and rub my back. "I don't know. She hasn't gotten her period yet, so I don't think its hormones". We haven't had to buy her pads or tampons so that's not it.
"Well, she is almost twelve. Maybe she is just having feelings that she isn't ready to share with us. She is growing up Taylor and it's no wonder she doesn't want to share everything with her parents" he suggests, and I almost believe him but, in my heart, I know something is wrong.
"I need to talk to her, I can't keep feeling like this. I know that there is something wrong, its written all over her face" I tell him.
I know that look all too well, it's the look of someone in a lot of pain but not being able to tell anyone about it. I know that look because once upon a time that was me. I was the girl in a huge amount of pain, but I just couldn't talk about it, I couldn't let the words out.
"Maybe... Maybe it's the memories from when she was six? Her therapist back then said that it might be harder when she gets older" he suggests, and maybe that's it actually.
"Maybe. It doesn't sound far-fetched at least"
**
I pick the girls up from outside the school. Ellie has gotten Kenzie from her classroom, and they are all waiting right outside the door to the school just like they are told to do. We don't want them to leave the school yard before we are here just to make sure they are all safe. It's been six years since Adam showed up at their school, but it still runs through my veins, so I am not taking any chances.
They get in the car, and I drop the younger two off with joe who is taking them to gymnastics while I take Ellie to ballet.
"Ellie how was school?" I ask her as we drive. "It was fine. Boring, but fine" she says and shrug.
"Are you sure, you don't look okay" I ask her gently and I sigh "Mom I'm fine. I'm just bored, nothing is going on" she groans clearly annoyed with me, but I am picking up this conversation again when we get home. I'm not letting it down; something is going on and I'm just praying its nothing serious.
We get there and she disappears into the dressing room to get dressed, today she has a private lesion with her dance teacher Lindsey which is a former dancer with New York city ballet company. It's one of the most prestigious dance companies in the world so Ellie is always exited to work with her. She has private lesions with her three times a week and then she has two classes a week with the advanced dancers at her studio. She is the youngest in that class, but she loves that it's challenging her every lesson.
When she dances, she feels like I do when I make music, it's her happy place and it makes me happy that she has found someone that gives her that same feeling. I don't know what's wrong with her right now, but I know that this is the place she feels free and can think. When she is dancing, she feels free the same way I did when I picked up a guitar for the first time. It makes the world make sense in a way that makes the hard stuff fade into the background for a while.
-joes pov-
Taylor is taking Ellie to dance while I take Kenzie and aurora to gymnastics. We let the kids chose what kind of extracurricular activity they want to do, but thankfully Kenzie and aurora both want to do the same thing and they have classes at the same time which is convenient for us. They always have a lot of fun, I can tell by the look on their face, so I love to watch them. Kenzie takes one hour class four days a week and aurora takes 2 hour class five days a week, but they want her to advance to more than that, but we are waiting for a doctors appointment before that.
We were nervous to let aurora do any kind of physical activity because she still has bronchopulmonary dysplasia, but we want her to do stuff other kids can do too. I do have a portable nebulizer with me just in case something happens, and we have a portable concentrator in the car just in case her vitals drop. Most of the time she is fine, but it drops sometimes so while she is exercising, she wears the tiny monitor around her ancle, but now she doesn't need to wear it at all times anymore. As she has gotten older, she is more able to sense herself if she is getting a flareup and can tell us, unlike when she was younger.
I'm in the bathroom helping Kenzie change while aurora is big enough to get herself situated in the dressing room. Kenzie still needs some help but that's fine. "daddy" she says while i'm helping her into her outfit.
"yes" I say. "Why does Ellie throw out her lunch. It's annoying, she does it every day. Why do I have to eat lunch if she doesn't. That's unfair" she groans, and my eyes widen. What?
"What do you mean Kenzie. Have you seen her do that?" I ask her gently "yes, and I think it's unfair"
"Well, then I'm going to talk to her because lunch is important. It's good that you're eating your lunch at least" I tell her. I don't want her to think that it's okay. But now I'm more worried regarding Ellie, maybe the problem is bigger than Taylor nor I could have caught onto.
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So a little about me. I got an eating disorder at 10years old, so I wanted to portray a realistic picture of what it's like to have a child with an eating disorder in this book. It affects so many children and families so just like I always do hard stuff in these books I decided to add this in the fourth book.
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