Meredith heard the familiar snark and smiled. "What was it this time," Cristina plopped herself down on the small couch in the resident's lounge late Monday morning and peeled a banana, "you have the I got sexed to my heart's content look...please don't tell me you resorted to dirty sex in the lavatory..."
"What is it with all of you," Meredith attempted to be serious, "and the obsession with our sex life?"
"Ah...we're not getting any? Except Barbie and Evil Spawn."
"Cristina," Meredith reprimanded, though she couldn't help but continue to smile.
"Did you?" Cristina said again.
"Did I what?"
"Have dirty sex in the lavatory."
"No," Meredith laughed, "that is so cliché...and they are very unsanitary."
"Mer...you have that mcdreamied look."
"We had sex," Meredith told her friend, "all weekend and this morning."
"Bitch," Cristina said as she ate the last of a banana and tossed the peel away with one perfect throw into the nearby garbage can.
"You asked..." Meredith told her.
"You can lie. Not rub it in," her friend said, and both ended up laughing as Meredith told her about the betting that took place at Jenna's. "You're so predictable," Cristina told her, "getting just like old boring married couples."
"I can assure you," Meredith told her, "there is nothing predictable...or boring about..."
"Ok," Cristina stopped her. "That's all I can handle. How's Mama Shep?"
"She's fine, she insisted I try to convince you and Lexie and Mark to fly out for the baptism, I'm sure you could...if you ..."
"Mer," Cristina said, "this is me, who thinks babies are toxic and they've got a herd of them. I don't think I could handle it."
"Babies are not toxic," Meredith argued, "and they are not a herd..." she finished her eyes sparkling.
"Mer, what is going on?" Cristina said, "you've got that...soft mushy and sentimental ..."
"Look," Meredith responded as she held the blackberry screen and scrolled through the photos, "isn't she beautiful?"
"It's a baby...they all look the same."
"They do not and she is not an it," Meredith argued, "I can show you the difference, let's go to the nursery."
"Mer..." Cristina smiled at her friend, a soft understanding smile, reserved for very few, before she stated, "you were ok...going home...being with a baby...you really were."
"I was," Meredith met her friend's gaze, and Cristina Yang knew she was. "It's hard to describe...Kerry grabbed hold of my finger and," she smiled, though Cristina saw the sentimental glitter of tears, "they really do Cristina...and she seems to recognize or at least she likes my voice," she smiled as she looked at the image of Derek holding her, "and I fell completely in love with her."
"And..." Cristina said, "with McDreamy, all over again, if that's even possible since the two of you are already..."
"I did...he's been wonderful Cristina."
"I know," her friend admitted, "he's pretty much earned that name back almost completely."
"He already has," Meredith told her. "Completely, in my eyes."
"I'm holding out," Cristina said, "you know...just in case I have to kick his ass."
"You won't," Meredith said without any trace of doubts.
"And," Cristina said, as she looked at a photo of two little girls kissing the baby's cheeks, "these are the two other munchkins..."
"Meggie and Katie," Meredith smiled, "I'm kind of in love with them too..."
"I can tell," Cristina said, and waited for her person to finish her thoughts.
Meredith looked at her friend and said unexpectedly, "I told Derek I wanted a baby."
Cristina did not react, and became lost in her thoughts momentarily; wondering how Meredith could be so certain about such a life changing circumstance and tried to understand, and knew her friend would never experience the certainty she herself accepted about not wanting to have kids.
"Aren't you going to say anything?" Meredith asked when she was met with silence.
"Are you already pregnant?"
"No. Of course not...why would you even think that?"
"You're acting all...teary eyed and...sentimental."
"Cristina," Meredith smiled, "I told him last night."
"You're serious about this."
"I am."
"You think you'll feel the same way in few weeks. When you're thousands of miles away from the Waltons?"
"You know about the Waltons?" Meredith raised an eyebrow.
"Syndication," Cristina replied. "Needed mindless noise to study sometimes."
"You should come with us," Meredith told her. "You'd like his family."
"Mer...you want that, I don't..."
"I've never had that Cristina, and it's a good feeling to have that support system. Don't get me wrong they argue and fight and it's crazy sometimes with so many people around...but...it's ...I'm glad...happy I have that now. You'd get a kick out of it."
"I don't think so..." Cristina insisted, "not cut out for it."
"What if I told you," Meredith said quietly. "I'd like to have my family there too..."
"I'm sure Lexie would go..."
"You, I'm talking about you. You became my family first. It was just the two of us."
"You're sure," Cristina exchanged an intense look with her friend, "you're not already pregnant?"
"I'm sure," Meredith told her, "it will be months before that is even a possibility."
"Mer," Cristina said, "the way the two of you carry on and the way Shepherd genes reproduce like bunnies...you'll be pregnant before you know it...if that's what you really want."
"It is what I want. I want to have a child with Derek. But, this is me remember...and it's baby steps..." she smiled, "no pun intended. Telling him I wanted to try...but not for a few months...I just wanted him to know, that I was ok after the trip home. Being with the baby...it was hard," Meredith paused, "a little sad...at first...but, we got to name her...her middle name," Meredith said and went on to share part of the trip and how she felt with her person; in spite of a rocky start as a result of surgical jealousies, Cristina was the first person she'd allowed to see an intimate glimpse of dark and twisty Meredith and instinctively believed she would and could be someone she could trust; believed it was someone that would not walk away, and that was a lesson she was still learning to accept, one that in the days to follow would bring unexpected, though momentary, emotional heartache as she struggled to understand that years of past abandonment did not have to dictate, nor were they a reflection of future familial relationships.
Derek smiled as he walked to his office late Monday afternoon and saw the text message:
-miss you all tied up
-you miss me being tied up, must be thinking of someone else
-smartass
-you haven't tied me up – EVER
-where are you?
-way to my office, you?
-on way to yours have 5 min
"Hey," Derek smiled as she walked in, the fact she'd rushed to get there evident in her breathing, "tell me about this fetish of yours and tying me..." he teased her.
Meredith ignored him and simply kissed him hard, "I've missed you today."
"Me too..." he said, as they lost themselves in a kiss.
"I got spoiled," she said, once they'd pulled away, and she playfully bit his earlobe, "spending all weekend with you."
"Uhmmm..." he responded with a trail of kisses of his own.
"We won't get to spend another two days together for a while...I'm off Wednesday and Thursday, and then I have my 48 hr shift till Sunday morning."
"I know," he said, "and by the time you get home, you'll be exhausted and want to sleep for twenty four hours."
"Do you think," she asked him, with a glint in her eyes, "we're becoming an old boring married couple?"
"It that what has you thinking about tying me up," he grinned at her suggestively.
"I told Cristina about the latest bet and she said we were getting predictable like old boring married couples," she told him, as she wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned back slightly, smiling, letting him know she thought nothing of the sort.
"I take it..." he kissed her, "you didn't tell her about this morning's wake up call."
"Not in detail," she giggled, "but just to shut her up told her we'd had sex all weekend and this morning and that we were having a baby," and felt him go completely rigid.
"You...told her..." he paused, mesmerized as he looked at her, "you...we're having a baby...Meredith..."
"Derek," Meredith said, "we talked about it...last night."
"You're not...I mean...you're not pregnant now?"
"That's what she asked me," Meredith stared at him, "Derek...don't you think I'd tell you if I was pregnant?"
"You could tell her first...it's been known to happen."
"Ass," she told him, and bit his lip lightly.
"What...you tell her everything... sometimes a lot more than you tell me..."
"Not anymore," she met his gaze, "it's been a long time since I tell her things before I tell my husband."
"That's true," he said, and then laughed nervously, "sorry...Mer...suddenly I wondered if maybe..."
"I'm not," Meredith said, "but thinking about it...wanting to try...soon... that's..."
"Progress," he smiled, quoting her comment months before, "baby steps," he smiled, "huge baby steps..."
"That's what I told her," Meredith smiled, "baby steps..."
"I love you," he told her as he wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled her neck.
"I love you too," she whispered, "now I have to go...I only had five minutes."
"I'll see you at home," he kissed her and both had a smile on their faces as they went on to handle their next assignment.
Meredith had just changed out of her scrubs and about ready to leave the hospital when her phone vibrated and she smiled expecting it would be Jenna.
"Maggie," Meredith answered, "this is a surprise you calling this late at your end."
"I know, it's almost ten and I'm just now driving home from Jenna's, I wanted to see the baby before we left, they change so quickly and well I wanted to see the girls and her too, but we're going to be gone two weeks and I have a million things to do still and only a few hours in the morning but I wanted to talk to you...since we didn't have too much time while you were here and now..."
"Maggie," Meredith interrupted her, "you're rambling...a lot...where are you going for two weeks?"
"Dubai and Abu Dhabi, actually Abu Dhabi first...then Dubai, that's where John needs to spend most of the time and..."
"Dubai...as in the Arab Emirates...the Middle East...for two weeks? What about the baptism are you going to be gone?"
"We'll be back for Thanksgiving, and it just came up, and I've never done this before just take off for two weeks at the spur of the moment and leave my boys behind, but John wants me with him and Mer it's been so long since it's just been the two of us...and I had to make sure everything was taken care of here so I could go, and luckily..."
"Maggie," Meredith smiled, "how about...starting from the beginning...why are you going to the Middle East for two weeks, or why is John going? When did you find out, you didn't say anything."
"Ok," Maggie said taking a deep breath, "you're right...I should tell the story in order."
"Yeah," Meredith laughed, "that would help."
"You know," Maggie said, "you shouldn't make fun of me...your rambles, I hear are quite legendary."
"So I've heard," Meredith laughed.
"Meredith," Maggie was smiling, "before I tell you what's going on...it was great to see you this weekend, but don't think next time you're here you can hog Kerry all the time...you only got away with it this time since Jenna insisted you stay there. But I expect to spend some time with you and Derek too...you can't play favorites," she joked.
"How can you resist that beautiful little piglet," Meredith joked. "Maggie she's adorable how content she is just eating and being nosy."
"I can't resist her," Maggie laughed, "and she is nosy just like her Mommy and aunts..."
"I haven't talked to Jenna since I left," Meredith said, "and she hasn't uploaded the photos so I can access them."
"That's strange," Maggie said, "she mentioned she was doing that on Sunday night while Kerry kept her up, but truthfully I haven't paid attention since I've been running around like a maniac since you left."
"Maggie, I'm half way home," Meredith joked, "and I still don't know why you're going away for two weeks."
"Right after you and Derek left, John got a call he was going to have to spend at least ten days in Dubai, which is no big deal, he's had to do that before, but they're having some major issues that haven't been resolved and a meeting's been called for all VP's for three days in Abu Dhabi, so we'll go straight there and then the rest of the time in their head office in Dubai..."
"And you're excited about spending two weeks in the hot desert ...and likely have to cover yourself from head to toe..."
"Meredith, they're a little more progressive," Maggie said, then sighed softly. "Mer, we haven't known each other long, but...sometimes, it feels right to talk and be open with someone that doesn't know your past...and makes no judgments...and..." her sister in law was quiet.
"Maggie," Meredith said, "it means a lot to me...that you feel you can talk to me."
"Mom and my sisters, except Jenna, they ...well, we'll talk some other time, but now, I'm just excited that I'm going away with my husband for two weeks just the two of us...and it feels just like when we first fell in love," she said and grew quiet for a second, before she said, "and it's such an incredible feeling...again..."
"Maggie," Meredith said softly, realizing her sister in law was crying. "Are you ok?"
"I'm sorry," his sister admitted, "it's...we came so close...to losing it all..."
"Maggie," Meredith said, "I'm sorry...I didn't know..."
"Derek knows...most of it," Jenna told her.
"Oh..." was all Meredith could say.
Maggie surprised her by laughing, "you know Mer...after the rambles we're capable of...that doesn't seem like you're very interested in what I've had to say..."
"What...Maggie...no, of course not...that's not it...at all," her tone became serious, wanting desperately to convince Maggie, "but I didn't know what to say or how to respond but of course I'm interested and it means a lot to me that you'd want to talk to me and tell me how you feel, Maggie I'm not used to family...I'm not and I think my crappy childhood and being all dark and twisty has something to do..."
"Meredith," Maggie said surprised by how serious her sister in law had become, "I believe you, I was just kidding, we're not always so serious."
"Sorry," Meredith said, "I'm not used to that...with families."
"Get used to it," Maggie told her, "I heard about my brother's first non-proposal..."
Meredith laughed this time, her reaction a little lighter, "Kathleen told you about that?"
"No, Kevin did," Maggie said and they both laughed. "Mer, it's not just his sisters that are nosey but their husbands too...so you better get used to us, since we fully expect you around for the next fifty years."
"I can't believe he told you that," Meredith said.
"Are you kidding," Maggie said dramatically, "we were waiting for them the minute they got back from Venice. Nancy cooked since she had their kids, even though we all took turns helping out."
"You were at Nancy's...when they got back..."
"She's not so bad," Maggie said, "once you get to know her..."
"I didn't mean it like that," Meredith said, "she's been ...I told her, I've put our first meeting behind us."
"Don't get me wrong," Maggie said, "she can be a bitch...but she really cares Mer, about all of us...and she didn't fly out there to make trouble, she really was worried about Derek."
"Maggie, I know that," Meredith told her, "and I'm glad that he has a family that really cares about him."
"You're part of that family now too," Maggie told her. "Just wait, when you have kids and want to go away on vacation you have a built in support system, just like I have right now, even though the boys are older. Mer, the minute I told Kathleen I really wanted to go with John she didn't hesitate for one second, even though this week she has her hands full and has to help out with Nancy's kids, and Jen's a gem and she offered...but realistically she won't be able to help much with Kerry so little."
"Why does Kat have Nancy's kids?"
"This is the week she's presenting in two different conferences..."
"That's right," Meredith said, "she told me, she's going to be in London and Berlin, all within seven days."
"She usually does that," Maggie explained, "so it's just one trip, but the timing was horrible since Kat's got to keep an eye on her kids; which she doesn't mind, she's been gone several times this year too and since she got to attend your wedding we're all holding it over her head..."
"You're what..." Meredith said, "it's not her fault, it was Derek's."
"Mer," Maggie said, "I'm kidding...you have to learn to decipher that, and we like to tease her, but we all know she was the one sister that needed to be there, and you two have made up for it by being here twice already."
"Maggie," Meredith asked, as pulled in their driveway, "you saw Jenna earlier, is everything ok? I haven't heard from her at all."
"Jane wasn't there today so she had the three girls and Kerry's favorite time of day continues to be the middle of the night, so I know she was up with her for a couple hours last night before she settled down, but I'm sure you'll be getting a phone call tonight, that baby really does love to hear your voice Meredith."
"She's the first baby I've really been around and she's amazing. I'm totally in love with her."
"They all are," Maggie said, "wait till you have your own, you're in love with them from the moment you find out...at least I was, except for the morning sickness, but Meredith, when you see them for the first time...the first sonogram," there was a melancholy to her voice, "the heartbeat...the first time you feel the baby move..."
"Maggie," Meredith said softly, "are you sure...you're not pregnant? You're very sentimental when you talk about it," and wondered if that's the way she'd sounded earlier when both Derek and Cristina had asked her the same thing.
"No," Maggie said, "I'm sure...it's just...for the first time in years I'm thinking about the possibility of trying for another baby. I'd given up on that...years ago."
"If you can trust Aunt Pat's intuition," she said as she got out of the car and walked to her front door.
"I don't want to get my hopes up," Maggie admitted to her, "you know dreams aren't always..."
"Maggie," Meredith said, "I've learned...sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to dream...not to allow doubts and limitations..."
"You really believe that..."
"I do," Meredith told her, as she fidgeted with the key and the lock, "your brother, he made me believe...and Maggie, we almost...almost lost it all too..."
"Oh..." Maggie was quiet, "Meredith...I did not mean to..."
"Hey," Meredith said, "no apologies, you said it; we have a lot of years to catch up."
"Meredith," Maggie said, "I just pulled up to the house, and I've got a million things to do...but it was great talking to you...it was really important to me and I was right...will you tell Derek I love him...and I'll see him in a few weeks..."
"Why don't you tell him yourself," Meredith said, "I'm just walking in the kitchen."
"Ok," Maggie said, "that will be good...Mer...I'll email you...I'll probably have time...but this...talking to you...thank you for just listening."
"I expect you will do the same," Meredith joked, "when I have to rant and rave about your brainless brother."
"Hey," Derek said as she smiled at him, "I haven't done anything..."
"No," Meredith giggled, "but I'm sure you will," and handed her phone to him, and the brother and sister spoke for several minutes and when he disconnected wrapped his arms around his wife.
"She sounds happy," Derek said, "I haven't heard her sound this carefree in a long time."
"I told her I wasn't sure I'd be excited about two weeks in the desert heat," Meredith told him, though she did not feel she should reveal the rest of the conversation, "but she is."
"Kat's going to have her hands full," he said, "and Jenna's not going to be able to help out too much, so it will be just Kat & Mom with a ton of kids."
"Have you heard from her?" Meredith asked.
"Kat or Mom?"
"Jenna," Meredith said, trying to dismiss the feeling that something wasn't right. Her feelings or rather her instincts, she'd learn to trust as the years went by, were right. The next several days would severely test the growth she'd experienced in the last seven months of her marriage to Derek, as years of emotional abandonment and insecurities were not easily forgotten or overcome in a matter of months, and well intended and misunderstood actions gave way for the familiar dark twisty expectations to overshadow the emotional progress that would regrettably be manifested by a wall of emotional regression.
"No," Derek said as he nuzzled her neck, "but...why are we talking about my sisters..."
"What would you like to talk about," she said, and her teeth gently bit, then her mouth lingered on his neck.
"How I'm supposed to show my face around the hospital tomorrow," he chuckled, "you're leaving love marks all over..."
"You're mine," she teased, "to brand as I wish..."
"Really...branding..." he teased back, "does that go along with tying me up..."
"There may be some handcuffs involved," she said without altering her tone.
"What..." he pulled her away from him and stared at her, "seriously..."
"You ass," she smacked him. "I don't have those...don't you think you'd know..."
"We could," he looked at her suggestively, while his hands roamed her body before settling on her buttocks as they smiled at each other.
"Should we come back later," Izzie said in her usually chirpy voice, "or can I get something out of the fridge..."
"Stevens," Derek said, "leave us alone now..."
"Iz," they heard Alex's voice, "changed my mind...I'd go for whipped cream...oh," he paused as he smirked at Meredith and Derek, "don't mind us, we're just looking for..."
"Whipped cream," Derek said, "sorry we already used it all up ..."
"Derek," Meredith laughed, "we did not. Don't leave you two, we were going to have dinner, whatever dinner is and Derek always gets enough for leftovers, you can join us."
"No, they can't," Derek said sounding like a petulant child. "I planned dinner for the two of us only."
"But you bought enough for leftovers," she brushed his lips, "I'm sure of it."
"Way to kill our evening," Derek muttered.
"I promise," she wrapped her arms around him, "it hasn't...I'll make it up to you..."
"Mer," Izzie said, "really it's ok...Alex and I will order a pizza for later..."
"Don't bother," Derek grumbled, "that's what we're having. Make yourself useful Karev, grab the bottle of wine from the counter and uncork it, get two more wine glasses."
"You got pizza," Meredith smiled at him, "nothing healthy."
"Your favorite dish too," he said mentioning the name of their favorite Italian restaurant, "but figured you'd want pizza in the morning."
"I love you," Meredith smiled at him, "you know that...right?"
"Yes," he said and kissed her hard on the mouth, "you owe me."
"Gladly," she smiled and then helped set the table with Izzie, and they had a pleasant dinner, that actually made him glad they'd walked in and he smiled at the conversation between them, as Meredith showed off pictures of their trip on her blackberry.
"Mer," Izzie went on, "she's just precious...she really is...and that picture of her next to the doll, she's beautiful...she looks like a little doll herself."
"She does," Meredith agreed, "and her sisters...all the kids really are really cute, but I'm finding myself totally attached to the little ones...can you believe it Iz, even all dark and twisty me..."
"Yeah," Izzie told her, "you always had it in you Mer...you mother all of us. Even if you don't realize it."
"I don't," Meredith told her, surprised her friend would say that.
"Yeah," Alex said, as he munched on a slice of pizza, "you kind of do."
"Haven't kicked them out yet," Derek said, "that's got to mean something, it's like having kids graduate from college move back in and never leave."
"Derek," she said, "I don't act like their mother."
"Just a mother hen," Alex gave her a small smile, "you could have kicked us out."
"You're my family..." Meredith said softly, "you've all been there for me..."
"That," Derek said, "is why you are still here."
Alex smirked, "thanks...Dad..." and the four of them laughed and enjoyed the impromptu and unexpected dinner, and Izzie insisted she and Alex would clean up.
"Did I..." Meredith said breathlessly hours later, "make it up to you...live up...to your expectations..."
"Mer..." he said equally breathless as he lay back against the pillows, his arm raised over his head, "if...you'd done...any more...I'd be dead..."
"Just," she smiled as shifted her body and turned on her side, "making sure..."
"No..." he smiled, "traces of old boring married couples..."
"None at all," she said as she quickly straddled him, "want to join me...in the shower?"
"You're looking for a sex slave," he teased, cupping the back of her head and pulling her in to meet his lips, "to wash your hair, cause that's all I may be capable of..."
"I think," she smiled as his tongue teased hers, and she felt his arousal, "you'll definitely rise to the occasion..."
"You think," he chuckled.
"I know," she said as she deepened their kiss once again, and it was as many other nights, a prelude to a night of passion.
"I'm really I'm beginning to wonder," he teased her, as he held the hair dryer for her, "if you only keep me around to dry your hair."
"Jerk," she giggled, and turned to kiss him.
"You usually do this in the morning," his lips teased hers.
"I know," she told him, "but Jenna usually calls me between ten and midnight, which means I'll only get five hours of sleep or so..."
"Oh...I get it," he said, "Godchild trumps husband...and quickies in the morning..."
"Washing my hair now," she smiled, "guarantees we have time for a morning quickie," she said, and they teased and joked with one another before they made their way to bed for the night; neither aware how Jenna's extended silence would affect Meredith's emotions, and how Derek's need to protect her would serve to once more strengthen their relationship and help Meredith believe he would do whatever was necessary for their dreams to be fulfilled.
Meredith and Derek had returned to Seattle Sunday evening, and it was now late Tuesday morning, without any communication from Jenna. Meredith had tried to dismiss her feelings of disappointment and inadequacies, but too many years of dark twisty expectations and conditioning did not disappear overnight.
"I know you didn't lose your best friend," Cristina said as she plopped down on the coach in front of Meredith in the resident's lounge, "or person or whatever...so what the hell's wrong with you?"
"Nothing. I'm fine."
"Mer," Cristina said, "this is me. Your person...friend...family," she used the last to describe what Meredith had said the day before. "Do I have to kick his ass?"
"No," Meredith argued, "it's nothing..."
"Right," Cristina said sarcastically, "like it meant nothing when he kissed the nurse."
"Why," Meredith said, and surprised Cristina by the tears that quickly gathered, "must you always to that? Do you enjoy kicking me when I'm down," she told her friend, without even attempting to disguise what she was feeling.
"Meredith," Cristina said and reached to pull her up from the couch, "come with me."
"What are you doing?" Meredith crossed her arms.
"You have been acting all sentimental and teary eyed. I'm drawing blood. You have to be pregnant."
"I am not pregnant," Meredith glared at her.
"Really, and you know this why? You could be and you think you need to tell him first, so you wouldn't tell me. So yeah we're drawing blood, even if we have to use my name...so nobody knows...that should set tongues wagging."
Cristina," Meredith laughed suddenly, "you just rambled. You never ramble."
"I've never been in this situation before. You pregnant and ..."
"Derek said the same thing," Meredith smiled, about you finding out first."
"Mer, something is wrong...I know there is."
"Maybe..." Meredith admitted.
"What?"
"His sister," Meredith said quietly, "I think she's changed her mind...about..."
The conversation was cut off as at that moment their pagers went off 9-1-1
It would be hours before they had a break, and it was Derek who caught up with his wife toward the late afternoon while she was at the nurse's station completing some charts. "Hey," he placed his hand on her shoulder and frowned before he offered a gentle massage, "you're very tense."
"Feels like a horribly long day, and I still have to be here till seven," she answered, "just want to go home."
"I've barely had a chance to see you today," he whispered against her ear.
"Yeah..." she answered absently and a bit too distant for his comfort.
"Mer," Derek said quietly, "you ok?"
"Yes," she turned and smiled at him; a smile that did not reach her eyes, "just tired."
"You have two days off to get some rest," he smiled at her.
"I may sleep through most of it," she told him.
"Feel free," he teased her, "while at slave away..."
"Slave away," she smiled at him, "at Seattle Grace...the McDreamy that has all the nurses ready to be at his beck and call..."
"My wife gets jealous," he said playfully.
"Yeah," she told him as she met his gaze, "she does."
"There's no reason," he held her gaze, "ever...for you to feel that way...you're the only woman I want and love..."
"I know," she said softly, and he couldn't quite place what seemed to be so off with her.
"You'll talk to me...later tonight," he whispered, "please..."
"Yes," she answered, as she reached for his hand and squeezed gently, hating to see the concern in his eyes, and then they both turned as their attention was drawn to the nearby commotion about to take place in the somewhat private office behind the nurse's station.
"Lisette," AmyLynn said, "he has grown so much in just a week...a few days really..."
"He does nothing but eat and sleep, and thankfully my husband is great about having night duty, he gets up with him and changes diapers and brings him to me to be fed only."
"You're lucky," AmyLynn said, "my husband was useless, offered no support at all...the only good things he contributed to our marriage were the kids...thankfully he's an ex now."
"The divorce is final?" Lisette said, "You didn't tell me."
"It was the same day you were admitted, before you were sent home, there were more important things going on," AmyLynn told her.
"We should say hello," Meredith told him.
"Meredith..."
"I'm ok," she smiled at him and pulled him along with her.
"Lisette," they heard Tracy's voice, "he is adorable...aren't you baby," she cooed.
"I agree," the proud mother smiled, "now fill me in on the gossip around here."
"You mean," Tracy joked, "Amy's week long celebration."
"AmyLynn," Derek spoke up, "you're been holding out on us...week long celebration about what?"
"Tracy just has a big mouth," AmyLynn shot a warning look at her.
"Don't give me that look," Tracy said, "hey...I'm not the one who said anything. Mark did, so blame him for..."
"Makes sense," Lisette laughed, "we need Dr. Sloan here to fill me in..."
"Lisette," Meredith said as she stood near, "the baby is so precious, he already looks different, and look at all that hair...but it's so light you almost don't realize it..."
"My daughter was the same way," Lisette smiled down at her son, "even though my husband has dark hair, my Dutch roots are dominant," she said proudly, "which is only fair since I'm the one that has to go through nine months of pregnancy and then labor," she said in a joking tone and then stopped herself, sensitive to Meredith's feelings.
"I think that is fair as well," Meredith told her, and wanting to reassure everyone that had been so supportive commented, "I think when Derek and I have kids, it will be very fair for them to take a little more after me instead of..."
"Did I hear the mention of a bald Shepherd baby," Mark said as he joined the group, "will never live that down...hell, that's almost a good thing to bet on."
"You," Meredith turned to him, "are skating on thin ice..."
"Why," Mark smirked, "it would be funny. This one's cute and has no hair."
"He does too," all three women answered.
"I can't see it," Mark said.
"Look closer," Derek taunted.
"Son of a gun," Mark said, "he's full of hair you can't see."
"Dr. Sloan," Lisette said, "are you making fun of my son..."
Tracy smacked him, "hey...that hurt," Mark turned to her.
"I hope so," she shot back amused.
"Don't be so smug," Mark said, "if you had kids, they probably would be bald, since their father has no hair."
Tracy laughed, "you know he just shaved it off, you jerk."
"Yeah...what idiot does that?" Mark mumbled.
"One that is sensitive and caring," Tracy told him, referring to her recently discovered old lover who'd shaved off his hair, as well as a group of three other friends, in support of an old college friend who was going through chemo, "and you know it."
"Yeah...yeah..." Mark admitted. "Now, tell me about this little guy," Mark said, "why is he here visiting again, he was here last week and I thought you didn't have to come back."
"He was here last week," Meredith turned to Lisette, and back at the baby, and she instinctively caressed the tiny leg covered by the blanket. "Is everything ok?"
"He is fine," Lisette told her, "he was a little jaundiced when we took him home, so I brought him back when he was four days old, since that's when the bilirubin levels tend to be highest, but they were pretty much normal... I just didn't want to take any chances and brought him in again today."
"What did his doctor say?" Tracy asked.
"He's fine." Lisette told her, "levels are still a little above normal but they keep decreasing, so it's nothing to worry about...it usually takes care of itself within a couple weeks."
"I didn't know that," Meredith said, "his color looks good...don't you normally tell if..."
Lisette went on discuss the medical aspects of jaundiced as Meredith concentrated on the baby. "I asked about you, but you and Dr. Sehpered had flown back east."
"Yes," Meredith said, and Derek again detected the sadness in her eyes, "we went to meet our goddaughter, and she's just a doll, and sounds just like this little one...Lisette, you haven't said, what is his name?"
"Colin," the mom smiled proudly, as he opened his eyes.
"Hello Colin," Derek stepped closer, his hand on Meredith's back, wanting to provide her with his support, one he was truly unaware how very much she needed. "You've decided to join in on this conversation. You're a handsome boy...and it looks like you've already grown since the first time we saw you."
"Colin," Meredith said, and though unspoken, all around her were sensitive to the emotions both she and Derek must be experiencing, "you are just like Kerry, you may meet her when she comes to visit us sometimes...when you're both older...and maybe can play together...all she does is eat...I hope you're letting your Mommy sleep..."
"He likes to be up at night," Lisette told her, "especially after midnight."
"Just like Kerry," Meredith said softly, "a lot of nights my sister in law calls and we chat while she's up...it works since we have the time difference," she said, and Mark looked over at Derek's frown and knew something was going on with Meredith.
"AmyLynn," Tracy teased her friend as she cooed to the baby, "you've got that look...better be careful ... what is it Karev says around here, no glove ...no love."
"AmyLynn," Derek said, "didn't you just stay you've got a divorce...
"Sure did," the always frank nurse responded.
"But," Tracy's eyes twinkled, as did AmyLynn's, "she met a gorgeous hunk two days later and been celebrating ever since..."
"What..." Lisette exclaimed, "I'm home with Colin a week and you have...well...more activity then...when you were still..."
"Taking advantage of every possible..." Mark said, "moment...if last night was any indication..."
"You are just jealous," AmyLynn gave it right back to Mark, "since Tracy's found her true love again and Hahn's," she paused, "what can we say about Hahn."
"That she's a bitch," Cristina Yang's voice suddenly made them all turn around as she stood in the doorframe.
"Cristina," Meredith turned to her and her voice had a hint of reprimand.
"What," Cristina said, "it's true. Sloan's lucky he lost that bet," and everyone laughed good naturedly.
"I bet," Tracy turned to her friend and ex lover, "if she'd given Mark a chance...she'd never have considered any other ..."
"You know," Cristina addressed Tracy, though she usually wasn't one to socialize much, she liked these nurses, especially as they had all rallied around Meredith when she and Derek had broken up and as he began to redeemed himself, and later over the loss of the pregnancy; the real reason she was there now, "that's a very nice thing for you to say."
"It's true," she winked at Mark, "it's her loss."
"Yeah," Cristina mumbled, "tell that to Torres..."
"Lisette," Meredith said, "you should stop them, these conversations are highly inappropriate around Colin," she said as the baby followed her voice and turned his head again toward his mother's laughter.
"Dr. Grey," Lisette said as she laughed, "he's too small to understand..."
"Still Lisette, around my mother in law's house...we have to keep it all G-rated," she said and smoothed out the baby's blanket, just as he began to whimper. "Colin," Meredith spoke softly to the baby, "these people are making too much noise aren't they..."
"He needs to learn about life," Mark told her, "what better teachers than doctors," he said. "For example," he had a smirk on his face, as he taunted, "I can teach him how to avoid being branded...just like Grey did here on Dr. Shepherd's neck," and Derek wanted to kill him, but kept it light in view of Meredith's response.
"He's just jealous Colin," Meredith spoke to him, "and we're not letting him corrupt you."
"Excuse me," an older nurse walked over, "I don't believe we get paid to socialize, part of the reason nurses get a bad wrap...and interns need to be..."
"We are very much aware of that," Tracy retorted, "and we are not required to work after our shifts are over. Perhaps you ..."
"Nurse," Mark interrupted her and looked at the woman's name tag. "Jones, you should think before speaking in the future, especially when you have nurses and interns talking with attendings."
"I don't believe," the woman responded in demeaning tone, "anyone in the hospital is paid to socialize."
AmyLynn chimed in, "I'll be a bit more blunt. Whatever the reason for having a stick up your ass, don't bring the attitude to this floor. We won't stand for it..."
"I'll have you know, I'm assigned to this floor for the next six weeks, and I expect not to have to carry everyone's work load."
"Not for long," Tracy mumbled and turned to Mark, "wait till I talk to Debbie."
"Nurse Jones," Derek spoke, "we are having a private conversation, and as these ladies said they are off duty at this point," he said and the woman turned around and walked away.
"Who in the world is she?" Lisette asked, and the baby did begin to whimper, so she lifted him from the infant car seat and snuggled him.
"A bitch," Cristina said, "we have enough with Debbie."
"That we do," AmyLynn said, and laughed, "better a known bitch than a new one."
The group spoke for a few more minutes, until the baby's whimpering got louder and Lisette left with him to be fed before her husband picked her up. But, before she left, smiled at AmyLynn. "Hey...keep me posted on your Dale Earnhardt Jr.," and both old friends chuckled.
"Who is Dale Earnhardt? Cristina smirked.
"Her new toy..." Tracy said, "he actually looks like her dream lover," and AmyLynn endured the good natured teasing for the next several minutes.
"Mer," Cristina said as her friend and Derek walked toward the corridor, "I came to look for you, you didn't answer my text."
"What's going on?" Meredith asked.
"We want you to have dinner with us tonight...like old times," she met Derek's gaze. "It's been a while...and with you being way...we thought, the four us... it would be nice."
"What is wrong with you," Meredith said, "this is the second conversation we have that you ramble."
"Nothing," Cristina told her, "figured you'd be more agreeable if the style was familiar to you...unlike me dragging you with us."
Meredith shook her hand, "not tonight Cris, I'm tired...and...wait," she said and Derek saw the momentary light in her eyes. But, he didn't know she'd seen the area code, and hoped it was Jenna when the number displayed; all the cell numbers for his sisters were recorded on her phone, but only Carolyn's home was, so what he'd seen was the momentary flash of anticipation to hear about their goddaughter.
"Oh, hi Mom," Meredith said, and Derek fixed his gaze on hers before his pager went off.
"Mer," Derek said, "say hello for me, I have to go. I may be late," he said as he began to walk away, "Cristina's right, have dinner with them tonight, I'll see you at home."
"Tell her I say hello too..." Cristina said.
"Mom," Meredith turned to Cristina, "I'm going to put Cristina on the phone since she's interrupting me like Derek was," and placed the phone in her friend's hand.
"Mama Shep," Cristina said before ending the conversation, "your son already told her to have dinner with us, maybe if you tell her she'll listen," and as she handed the phone back to Meredith told her, "see you at Joe's. Don't make us come looking for you."
"Meredith dear," Carolyn shepherd said, "is everything all right...you didn't sound like yourself when you answered the phone."
"Everything is ok, what about you? Maggie called me last night, she was very excited about her trip, but that means you'll have your hands full."
"She was, and we'll manage, but I'm getting old," Carolyn told her, "don't tell anyone I admitted to that, but these kids today are just full of energy. I offered to have Nancy's kids at home, after all I did raise five kids, but Meredith," she confided, making Meredith feel just a little better that all was still right with his Mother, "I'm glad the girls resisted, it's not the same having five kids between eight and sixteen at my age, but that's our secret."
"I'm sure you're involved, in fact Maggie said there's one night you have kitchen duty."
"Oh yes," Carolyn smiled, "with that crazy nun at the school," she said and made Meredith laugh, "she's turning it into a cooking lesson tomorrow night and they all have an assignment, even the little ones."
"Jenna's letting the girls out her sight for cooking lessons," Meredith commented.
"Meggie is so excited, since they get to be in the big kitchen at school that Jenna's planning on being there. We'll see if she gets any sleep tonight, Kerry was very determined not to sleep last night and kept her up. I told her she needed to figure out if she'd changed any of her routine the last couple nights," but she was unaware of the unexpected rift between the two young women.
Meredith remained quiet. She wasn't quite sure why Jenna wasn't calling her, and did not want to upset Carolyn with her doubts and insecurities. "It's normal," Meredith tried to sound unaffected, "right, for babies to be that way...stay up..."
"Oh yes," Carolyn said, "she's actually been lucky she'd been sleeping four hours straight already," and they continued to talk for several more minutes. "I wanted to make sure I called you today, I've missed you sweetheart, and the next few days will get crazier for me, but I remembered you're supposed to be off a couple days during the week, call me if you have time," and Meredith disconnected the phone without her mother in law realizing how her comment about Kerry's sleeping habits would affect her.
"You made it," Cristina said hours later at Joe's while the original five sat around a table.
"Yeah," Meredith sat at the stool next to her.
"Hey Meredith," Joe said, "it's good to see you around here, what can I get you?"
"Thanks Joe. Tequila. Two shots."
"Two shots, Dude, what did he do?"
"Stop it Alex," Meredith said, "I'm not in the mood, and he didn't do anything."
"Not what it sounded like last night," Alex smirked.
"Alex," Izzie said, "I swear you better shut up."
"It's true," he said before taking a drink from the beer mug.
"Ever heard of if you have nothing nice to say," George said, "don't say anything at all."
"Don't believe in it," Alex said.
"Ass," George told him.
"Listen dude, I'm not the one whose wife became a lesbian, so I'd keep my trap..."
"Ok, stop," Meredith said. "I didn't come here to hear the two of you bickering like teenagers..."
"Mer..." Izzie said, "you know that's not going to change."
"Well it should," Meredith said absently, then gulped down the first shot of tequila, and missed the looks exchanged amongst the four friends.
"Come on guys," Izzie pulled on Alex's arm, having the foresight to leave Meredith and Cristina to talk. "I'm going to kick both your asses at the dart board."
"Yeah," Alex said, as his hand rested on her butt, "what's the prize?"
"Mer," Cristina said when her friend reached for the second shot glass and stopped her, "are you sure you're not pregnant?"
"What is it with you...I already told you that I'm not."
"I know, but you've been kind of all over the place since you got back."
"I'm tired and cranky, that's all."
"You didn't think you were pregnant before," Cristina pointed out. "I'm just saying. You have to take care of yourself...but if you are...even more so."
"I'm not." Meredith told her quietly. "If I thought for one second I could be, I wouldn't be drinking."
"What's wrong then?" Cristina insisted.
"Nothing," Meredith told her.
"Mer," Cristina said, "nothing means huge problems..."
"Not this time," Meredith turned to her friend with a slight smile, "really...just...I'm being stupid."
"Probably," Cristina said, "and I'm smarter, so I can usually help."
"Bitch," Meredith shook her head.
"Hey," Cristina retorted, "I'm hard core and have a reputation to live up to, especially if I'm going to visit the Waltons, and I have to come to your rescue with McBitchy."
"You're going to come...really?" Meredith asked, a small part of her was glad she'd have her person there to face the rest of his family. It was one thing to have been accepted by all his sisters, or so she'd thought; she allowed the seeds of doubts to take root.
"I'm thinking about it," Cristina told her. "Mama Shep is tenacious."
"I'd like that, if you were there," Meredith said quietly. "You know, have someone on my side."
"Mer," Cristina frowned, "the Walton sisters are all on your side."
"Yeah..." she said, hesitating but finally deciding to share her thoughts about Jenna. "Do you think, after we were there and she got to know me better, Jenna decided to keep someone who's all dark and twisty away from her baby?
"This means a lot to you." Cristina stated.
"Yeah it does," Meredith said quietly. "You have no idea Cristina, what it was like. Losing a baby I never imagined I'd have, but that I loved anyway...and then...this baby and Kelly, it was as though they were put in our path...my path...and have helped me heal...and Derek and I are closer than ever before, but I can't tell him about my doubts...I don't want him to realize dark and twisty Meredith is back."
"Dark and twisty Meredith isn't back," Cristina told her, "and it looks like I'm going to have to kick another Shepherd's ass."
"Cristina," Meredith rolled her eyes, finding a bit of comfort in the familiarity of her friend's reaction.
"Mer," Cristina said, "all kidding aside. The woman just gave birth, she could be all over the place because of hormones and a crying baby that keeps her up at night...maybe you should call her."
"What? Are you kidding? She doesn't want to talk to me."
"You're making assumptions. From everything you said, the two of you get along. You were carrying on about how she trusted you with her baby all night, it doesn't make sense."
"Maybe you're right."
"Usually," Cristina said smugly.
"Thanks," Meredith let her head rest on her person's shoulder.
"Now," Cristina said as she brought the glass to her lips, "talk to Shepherd, he's worried about you."
"He told you that?"
"I can see it."
"You like him," Meredith smiled at her.
"Our truce is holding steady."
Alex beat both George and Izzie, though she teased she was the grand prize for him anyway, and the usual camaraderie among the five was restored.
Derek had wanted to wait up for his wife, but he'd had to go back and perform a second surgery on a patient hat had taken longer than expected, and by the time he got home at nearly ten o'clock he could barely keep his eyes open, so when Meredith walked in their bedroom, his head was slightly tilted toward her side of the bed, the journal he was reading laying on top of the bedding.
Meredith startled him when she sat at the edge of the bed, "hey, I'm turning the lights out; you need to get some sleep."
"I wasn't sleeping," he protested and quickly sat up.
"Just because you don't snore," she teased lightly, "doesn't mean you weren't sleeping."
"I was waiting for you," he told her.
"I know," she leaned in and brushed his lips.
"You ok," he said, detecting the slight smell of tequila.
Meredith kissed his lips quickly, avoiding an answer. "I'm going to take a quick shower. You don't have to wait up for me," she said, "I can see you're tired," and he didn't respond, but got up from the bed and went downstairs and was back in bed when she slipped in beside him and they both lay on their sides facing each other.
"You waited up," she said as she reached to entwine their hands.
"I couldn't very well fall asleep," he smiled at her, attempting to tease her, "when you replaced me with tequila this evening. I told you...it's no good for you...doesn't write...doesn't..."
"How long have you been waiting to use that line again," she leaned in closer to him.
"It fits..." he rested his forehead against hers.
"Never ever..." she kissed his lips, "you're irreplaceable."
"Oh yeah..." he kissed her lightly.
"I love you Derek," she told him, her hand cradling the back of his head, her fingers threaded through his hair.
"I love you too," he said, "but something's making you sad...and I want to understand."
"Do you remember, in Venice, when we talked about my mother ...her last day....me drowning..."
This was not good, for her to be thinking this way and he was furious with his sister, yet something didn't quite make sense, "yes."
"We said no secrets...that we'd tell each other how we felt...even when it was painful we promised each other. I'm not ready to talk about it," she told him, which surprised him; he thought it would be much harder to get her to admit it. "But, I will...just give me a little time...ok..."
"I can help you..."
"You are...just hold me...tonight...just hold me."
"Whatever you need," he said tenderly.
"You," she said, "I need you," and she wrapped her arms around him. "Just hold me."
"For as long as you need..." he said, "and don't forget...I need you too," and he spoke tender soothing words until he felt her body relax, and before long both succumbed to much needed sleep.
Derek left early in the morning and didn't wake her, choosing to let her get some rest, he kissed the back of her neck softly before getting out of bed, and she instinctively settled against him, but he knew she wouldn't wake up.
Meredith woke late in the morning, determined to address the issues that were bothering her with her sister in law, and unaware she'd soon lose her resolve, placed a call that remained unanswered, and she simply left a voice mail.
"Jenna, it's Meredith," she hesitated, "I'm off the next couple days... I wanted to know how you and Kerry are...and the girls...I know things are probably really hectic, but if you're not too busy call me."
Meredith ran the errands typical of a day off, including dropping off and picking up dry cleaning, caught up with their laundry, and then in the middle of the afternoon called Derek and got his voice mail too, so she opted for texting, though it too would be a while before he replied.
-I'm on the ferry. I'd like to spend tonight at the trailer. Hope you don't mind.
The wind felt cold against her face as she leaned over the railing, phone in hand, clearly expecting some form of communication as she quickly answered the incoming call.
"I barely heard one ring," she heard her sister in law's voice. "But then again, that could be due to the loud heard of animals I have with me," Kathleen said, and Meredith heard giggles in the background.
"Hi Kat," Meredith smiled, genuinely pleased to hear her voice. "I was going to call you later; Maggie told me about the eight kids you have this week."
"She was so excited about this trip, there was no way I could say no, and Mom wanted to take the kids, but it's hard enough for me, we can't put her through all of that."
"I spoke with her yesterday," Meredith said, "she told me about the cooking class."
"Oh yes, we're on our way there now, Mer hold on," she said, and Meredith heard her raise her voice to her son and nephews. "Boys stop fighting with the girls."
"But Mom...Aunt Kat, they're just being stupid."
"Live with it," Kathleen answered, "they probably think the same thing about you."
"You'd think," Kathleen told Meredith, "it would be just the boys...but even the girls are fighting...and don't kill me...but the peace offering was that I'd bring them all with me to Seattle..."
"Kathleen," Meredith said very quietly, "how many kids exactly are we talking about?"
"Relax," Kathleen laughed, "it's only four girls..."
"Only four girls," Meredith giggled, feeling a weight had lifted off her shoulders, the girls still wanted to spend time with her, maybe Cristina was right, and Jenna was feeling all hormonal, and she certainly had experienced that, as brief as it was, "which ones..."
"Jennifer doesn't count," Kathleen told her, "she's a sweetheart...and she's listening to me, she's in the front seat, and if it wasn't for her helping out with her sisters, I don't know what'd I'd be doing. Ok," she called out again, "boys...forget practice tomorrow, I'm telling Kevin you're on time out ..."
"Mom," her fifteen year old Logan said, "we're too old for time out."
"Not when you're acting like two year olds, stop bugging your sister and your cousins."
"Kathleen," Meredith said, "how many kids do you have with you?"
"I lost count, why?"
"You don't have a van," Meredith said.
"I have the Church's van. Both Kevin and I are listed drivers. We donated it and asked that we be able to borrow it from time to time, if it was not being used for their activities."
"Makes sense," Meredith said.
"Especially," Kathleen told her, "since a lot of the activities involve Maloney grandchildren, so Aunt Pat gets a lot of use out of it."
"She would," Meredith said. "I missed seeing her on this last trip."
"Get ready for your next visit, she's hell bent on you not being overwhelmed by the rest of the family, so between her and Mom, they are going to smother you with mothering."
"I think I can handle that," Meredith said with a smile on her face, she's never thought to ever feel that way, but Derek's family, and these two women in particular had shown more tenderness and been more motherly toward her, in that short time they had been in her life, than Ellis had during her entire life.
"Mer," Kathleen said, "I just got here and I need to have a talk with these kids before we get there, but we haven't had a chance to talk since you were here, which I'm glad we at least got to spend some time together on our walk...but as soon as Nancy gets back we'll catch up."
"Kat," Meredith said before they disconnected, "before you go, is everything ok with Jenna? I haven't talked to her since we got home."
"Other than Kerry keeping her up the last three nights, I think all is normal at this stage of a newborn at home," Kathleen told her.
"Oh..." Meredith said quietly. Both Carolyn and Kathleen had mentioned Kerry being up all night; maybe Jenna really didn't want to talk to her.
"Meredith," Kathleen said, her voice becoming very quiet, the trained psychiatrist combined with older sister role hearing the understated nuances of doubts. "What is wrong? What aren't you saying?"
"Nothing," Meredith said.
"Meredith, hold on just a second," Kathleen said and turned to the kids and lectured them as her sister in law listened and then told Jennifer and the older ones to watch over the smaller ones till she joined them.
"Kathleen, go with the kids..."
"The kids are fine, you're not. What's going on? Why haven't you two talked?"
"I don't know. She usually calls when she's up with Kerry...but she hasn't...and she usually puts photos up daily...and I left her a message earlier but she hasn't called...and I don't want to bother her, I know she's busy...I guess I just got used to talking to her and listening to the baby and...it's not important...just forget I said anything."
"Meredith," Kathleen took a deep breath, "it is important...obviously very important to you. What else aren't you saying?"
"Do you do this, get into therapist ...doctor mode...all the time...when you're talking to your sisters?"
"Sometimes they're driving me crazy, and then I bitch and lecture them, like Nancy does. But, when I care deeply...yes...I do...but this is your older sister talking to you," she heard the intake of breath and could picture Meredith biting her lip to keep her emotions under control.
"Kat," Meredith replied softly, "do you think...maybe...when I was there I did something wrong...and I offended Jenna or Rob...or spending all the time with them...they both got to see part of dark twisty me...and changed their mind...about me being in the baby's life..."
"Meredith," Kathleen said so tenderly Meredith's eyes filled with tears, as did her own, "honey you haven't done anything wrong...I can guarantee that...I saw you...with that baby...and all weekend, and there is nothing...nothing of dark and twisty in you...all I saw, we all did, was a loving caring godmother that was totally captivated with a precious little girl."
"You..." Meredith paused and Kathleen's image was right, she was biting her lips, "you really mean that...I didn't mess up...give them reason to change her mind..."
"No, you did not," Kathleen assured her, "and I was so proud of you and Derek...Mer the two of you have matured so much...faced this situation so amazingly well and I can see you're being open and supportive of each other, when I know how heartbreaking many of these moments have been. No, you have not done anything wrong, and I'm going to have a talk with Jenna."
Meredith's response was immediate and unequivocally adamant. "No. Kathleen, you cannot say anything to her. Whatever it is, we'll work it out. Please...don't and Derek doesn't know so don't say anything to him either."
"What do you mean Derek doesn't know, you're obviously upset about this, and I'm glad you're talking to me. But, hasn't he noticed?"
"It's not like that Kathleen. He knows, he's noticed. I told him I wasn't ready to talk about it, so I called Jenna and had hoped she'd call me back, so it wouldn't be anything to talk about...I'm not keeping it from him...just didn't want him to worry if it was some misunderstanding on my part."
"I will not say anything to her about what you've asked me. But, I am going to ask her if she's talked to you and Derek..."
"Kathleen, please...let it go."
"Meredith," Kathleen said, "two of my sisters, my two youngest sisters...are upset over the same situation. I'm not going to turn the other way and let it continue."
"I shouldn't have said anything," Meredith said quietly.
"Of course you should have," Kathleen got into the motherly mode, "oh honey, I'm not reprimanding or meddling, I don't want either of you upset, and I want you to always feel that you can talk to me...I told you that the first time we met...Meredith, I won't betray your confidence...I never have."
"I know...I just don't want it to be a big deal...and she can change her mind..." she said, the all too familiar feelings of unworthiness and abandonment dictating her emotions.
"It is a big deal, because it's bothering you...and come to think of it, I am sure it is bothering her too, because she is used to talking to you every night while the baby keeps her up and if she's not sleeping that's affecting her too."
"That's what Cristina said, maybe she's all hormonal and she told me that I had not reverted to dark and twisty."
"You haven't, and I agree with Cristina, Mer...talk to Derek...don't leave him second guessing."
"I won't," Meredith assured her. "Kathleen, thank you."
"For what?"
"I'm very lucky to have an older sister."
"Listen, you're stuck with me...for life."
Meredith's conversation with Kathleen had been reassuring, but she still had her doubts about Jenna's behavior toward her, and they would only be reinforced by the end of the evening. She went on with her plans for the evening with Derek, and right after arriving at Bainbridge got a text from her husband.
-hey, been in surgery, trailer is fine. Privacy is good. Call me.
Meredith did and told him she was going to pick up dinner at the restaurant they both liked, the one they'd had dinner at during Kathleen's first trip. The Shepherd clan on both coasts was making dinner preparations at the same time.
"Jen," Kathleen approached her sister who was unusually quiet, as she watched her younger girls help with their assigned chores, "you ok?"
"Yes," Jenna turned to her sister, "this was a good idea. Get everyone together and the kids helping make it less work for you."
"I can handle eight kids," Kathleen tried to joke with her, "piece of cake."
"That's not what I heard from your daughter and nieces," Jenna said, as she watched her sister lift Kerry from her infant seat.
"I was ready to pull over and abandon them on the way here," she paused, measuring her words carefully, "lucky for them, their Aunt Meredith was on the phone and convinced me not to. She has a way of doing that," she cooed to the baby, "doesn't she Kerry, your godmother who claims to know nothing about babies and kids... really loves you and your cousins."
"She's been great with the kids," Jenna agreed absently, "it's Derek that needs lessons."
"I agree," Kathleen kissed the baby's check and then her forehead, "you're lucky little girl, aren't you?"
"She is," Jenna looked lovingly at her daughter.
"And very spoiled...keeping her godmother up every night. Told her she gets more time with her than I do," Kathleen tried to see if she would open up to her, "I barely had five minutes to talk to Mer today on the way here, and I'm her favorite sister in law..."
Jenna avoided her sister's gaze, "we haven't been able to connect."
"Mer's off today and tomorrow, I thought you talked every night."
"Not this week," Jenna said, in some ways trying to justify to herself the path she'd chosen, "they were flying Sunday night...and then Monday night Kerry was so fussy...and last night...I wasn't sure about her schedule...and we just haven't," and her eyes filled with tears.
"Jen," Kathleen became concerned, and pulled her aside, "come sit with me."
"No...I have to go help with the girls..." she wanted nothing more than to share what she was feeling with Kathleen...ask her advice, but their mother has said she had to let Meredith talk to her...share what had happened when she was ready, and she had understood, when Carolyn said she'd asked them not to say anything, she'd asked that of Carolyn and Derek, that no one else was aware of the situation.
"Jennifer is looking after them, everyone is, look over there," she pointed out where Meghan and Katie were indeed being supervised by several, including her husband Kevin who was a total push over with the little ones, "come on," she insisted and gently guided their way to sit down. "Jen, what's wrong? Do I need to worry about you...postpartum depression...is anything like that going on...honey...that can happen and if you're feeling anything like that..."
"No," Jenna interrupted her, "it's nothing like that...don't worry. I'm a doctor Kathleen, if I felt like it could be...I'd talk to you and Rob and Mom...I would, I'm just tired...and Kerry's been up the last three nights..."
"Honey," Kathleen said, "Mom mentioned Kerry was keeping you up, and she asked you about any change in Kerry's habits...and you just said you haven't talked to Meredith, don't you think that could be part of it, isn't she used to having you being calm and talking to Meredith, rather than tired and maybe cranky because she's not going back to sleep? Maybe that's part of it..."
"Maybe," Jenna said. "I'll figure it out."
"Hey little one," Kathleen decided it was best to change the subject for now, respecting Meredith's wishes, "why are you keeping Mommy up at night? You know, she's my little sister...and just like your big sisters want to take care of you, I want to take care of your Mommy...and just bet that your godmother is worried too...if she hasn't been up with you the last few nights," and she chose her words carefully, hoping to nudge her sister into talking, instead making Jenna feel guilty about not calling Meredith and realizing her sister in law was probably wondering why she hadn't called her, and as the evening wore on, decided to email her as she was not ready to talk to her; not without breaking down and sobbing.
"Kat," Jenna said, touched and emotional over her sister's concern. "I'm ok."
"We'll make sure you are," Kathleen put an arm around her and hugged her, whishing she were close to Meredith and could do the same.
Derek walked in the trailer and smiled as he saw his wife standing in front of the small stove and frowning, "hey," he wrapped his arms around her, holding a small bouquet of flowers in front of her, "penny for your thoughts."
"You got me flowers," her body relaxed into his.
"They made me think of you," he said as he kissed her neck.
"They did," she said, pleased with the gesture.
"I went past the gift shop and saw them...and thought you'd like them."
"I do..." she turned and faced him, "thank you...they're lovely and just what I needed to brighten up my day," she said without thinking.
"You didn't have a good day," he frowned.
"It's just an expression," she kissed him softly. "You're really all I need to brighten any day."
"Uhmmm...." he wasn't convinced.
"I spoke to Kathleen," she said, "did you know she and Kevin donated a van to the school, but they get to drive it...and she had all the kids with her on her way to ..." she told him of their conversation, excluding the discussion about Jenna, and they spent a quiet evening relaxing in each other's company, and she fell asleep on him while watching a movie and he decided it was too early to call it a night, and she woke to the sounds of her own soft moans as her husband expertly explored her body.
"Feel free," she said as she lay in his arms, "to wake me like that all the time...but..."
"But..." he said, as his lips kissed her temple tenderly, "not a good thing."
"A very good thing," she turned her face and kissed him, "it's my turn..."
Long after, basking in the afterglow of their lovemaking, he whispered, "let's call her."
"What...are you talking about?"
"Jenna," he said, as he searched for her gaze. "I know you're upset about that, and you've been very quiet tonight, ever since I got home," he said, and Meredith's eyes filled with tears.
"She doesn't want to talk to me."
"Mer...come on...I'm sure there's some misunderstanding."
"I don't think so," Meredith said, and reached for her blackberry and scrolled to a message from Jenna, received minutes before he'd come home.
"Meredith, I heard your voice mail, but didn't have a chance to call you back. It's been very hectic with Maggie and Nancy away. The baby's been sleeping through the night, thankfully, so it's been hard to connect. We'll talk soon, I've got to go help with the cooking, Kathleen mentioned she'd talked to you on the way here. Say hi to Derek."
Derek was furious. He knew, from what Meredith had said about the conversations with his mother and sisters that Jenna was outright lying to her. "I bet," he said soothingly, "she's trying to let you get some sleep...instead of keeping you up too."
"Derek," Meredith turned to him, "don't. You don't have to protect me...I can handle it," she said, and it broke his heart that she was feeling this way, "remember...dark and twisty...you've said it yourself...they're strengths...not..." she paused, as not to break down, "not weaknesses...and I'm strong...I am...all my life...I've had to be strong," she said, and he wrapped his arms around her, and began to whisper loving words, "and now...I have you too."
"I don't know," he said, "what's going on with her...but we'll find out, and I'm sure it's a simple misunderstanding. But, there's one thing you're wrong about, I do have to protect you...from anything that hurts you..."
"I'm ok," she said and lovingly caressed his face, "I'll be ok..."
"You're not," he said tenderly, "but you will be, we'll work through whatever's going on together," he said, and a part of him worried about his sister and what was making her act this way, though his main concern was his wife.
Derek was restless all night, and was up hours before dawn, and not wanting to disturb Meredith with conversation, texted his sister with a simple message: call me. That was followed by another one: Jenna need to talk to you, on his way to the ferry at six in the morning.
The east coast had welcomed the day hours earlier, a bright shiny morning; the complete contrast of the hours ahead, where the art of miscommunication would rule.
"Jenna," Derek's voice was low and hoarse, "damn it call me. I know you've seen my messages. You lied to Meredith, what the hell is going on?"
"Oh God," his sister said out loud as she heard her brother's message, "what have I done...what do I do...what do I do," she repeated as she lay curled up in bed, and that was how her husband found her.
"Honey," Rob rushed to her side, "honey...what's wrong? Jen...talk to me," he said as he gathered her in his arms, and his wife broke down and cried.
"I can't... I can't talk to her or him...Rob, I heard her...and it was heartbreaking...and I can't imagine," she sobbed, and he had to wait till she calmed down.
"Honey, who can't you talk to...what are you talking about?"
"I can't...imagine...what I would feel like if I'd known I was pregnant...and lost our baby...and then forced to face dealing with all of us, how we go on about the baby and babies...and everyone is totally enthralled...and paying attention to the baby..."
"Jenna," Rob raised her chin to look at her, "you're not making sense...start from the beginning...please."
"Rob...can you imagine, if I was pregnant and lost the baby and then there's a little one like Kerry born...and I had to deal with our loss and she'd be a reminder...of what ..."
"Jenna," he kissed her softly, "we didn't lose a baby...who did?"
"Meredith," she said, her eyes filled with tears, "she lost a baby...and she was due right around Kerry's date," she finally told him, and he dealt with another bout of tears and self recriminations about how she's behaved, but insisting she could not face talking to them without breaking down, "and...Rob, if that had happened to me, and I was supposed to have my own baby around the same time...I couldn't...I don't know how they can...how they can handle it."
"Honey, they obviously have found a way to deal with it...they didn't show any indication that there way anything wrong."
"You're wrong," she said unnecessarily angry, "so wrong...now I see it...the looks between them, oh my God, the first time when they came home...Meredith feeling the baby...and then the baby gift...she wanted to wait, and I insisted, and I remember how she looked so sad at one point and Derek... oh God..." she said, and Rob continued to calm her until she fell asleep, resolving to talk to his mother in law and discuss how to deal with the situation that was obviously affecting his wife as much as it could be affecting Meredith.