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Today, I gathered all my courage to finally visit a therapist.
I know, if I'll tell my parents that I want to see a doctor or therapist, they'll probably blame me. So I think I should visit him alone.
Picking up the jar from my drawers, I grasped the remaining money that I've been saving for the past four months.
I stuffed it in my bag along with my thick books , my sweaty palms trembling with fear.
What if they find out that I'm going alone? They never let me go anywhere except for school....
Shaking these thoughts away, I took a deep breath.
"You're 18 year old now Hana. Be strong." I said to myself, because no one else does.
After getting ready, I made my way to the dining table, my mother and father already munching on their food.
"G-good morning.."
Why do I stutter a lot?
"You woke up late again? How many times I've told you to wake up early so that you can study. But you.." my mom started, like always. I took a deep breath, lowering my head.
"Leave it. She's going to fail this semester too. I'm quite sure." My dad threw a sour glare at me, making my heart wrench in pain.
Why do they not understand?
"I- I was ill yesterday.." I barely whispered, and my mom stared at me before rolling her eyes.
"You're ill everyday. I'm also sick of you." She massaged her temples, and I took a step to the dining table, plopping down on my chair as I tried to hold back my tears.
You all will never understand. Even if I tell you. So it's better I keep it to myself.
As I took a sip of water, my dad kept his newspaper down, adjusting his glasses. "You know, Mr. Han's daughter got 96% marks in her test. He was blabbering about it all day in the office."
"I know. Mrs. Han told me too. Both of them are lucky that they have such a hardworking daughter." She sighed as I took a bite of my toast, but felt too weak to chew.
"I'm leaving now. I'll g-get late.." I stood up, picking up my bag and gulping down the saliva stuck in my throat.
"Eat your breakfast Hana-"
"I'm not that hungry."
This has become such a common excuse for me.
Kicking my feet on the marble floor, I directly faltered out of the door without throwing any other glare at my outraged parents.
"You all could never understand...never." I muttered, the tears that were eager to lumber out of my eyes were now rolling down my cheeks.
I somehow controlled myself, hiding my face in my long sleeves before wiping my flowing tears off.
"Hana? Is mom home?" An unfamiliar yet familiar voice countered me as I turned my head to look at her.
Mrs. Han.
"Good morning aunty." I bowed, putting on my instant fake smile.
"Good morning." She eyed me from head to toe, flashing her treacherous fake smile too.
"Is your mom home? Actually I wanted to invite her for-"
"She's inside. You can go meet her." Cutting her off, I pointed at my door without sounding too rude.
"Okay.." she stared at me in confusion, and I didn't waste any more time.
I don't like these fraud neighbours anyways.
Now my feet too tired to carry my own weight, I felt dizzy but I kept walking to my college.
It hurts.
Seeing others progressing in life with so much confidence and passion.
And then there's me.
Another tear rolled out of my eye as I sniffed back, now making my way inside that horrible building called college.