The Girl in the Mirror 2 (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 22

Chapter 22

Sienna’s POV

My body burns with rage, like I am literally made up of a flaming fire. I am furious, beyond furious, so beyond it I can’t even describe it. It feels like I will burn anything that gets in my path and right now, Anne is in my wake. I hate her, I fucking hate this rude toxic woman. She thinks she is better than me! She thinks I’m a bad person. Does she even know who her son is and what he is capable of?
My eyes are wide and bulging, imaginably like a mad woman. That’s what I am right now, mad. I don’t just mean in the sense of being angry, I mean I have lost my mind too. I am literally here losing my mind, ready to destroy her. She has no idea who I am, or what I am capable of.
She is still shouting at me, demanding for Harry to go to her, but he is incapable of moving. He is stuck between us both, not knowing what to do. My hand is wrapped around his wrist, tightly, and my nails dig into his pale skin. The skin turning red, verging on bleeding, due to my tight grasp. I have no intentions of loosening my grip on him, nor am I going to back down from this. I will never back down, I will never let her win.
I glare at her, attempting to destroy her with my venomous stare. I would love to really hurt her, this hateful fucking woman. She seems to think she is superior to all human kind, like she has the right to judge other people, mainly me. She can’t judge anyone, she’s a mess and she’s helped produce a fucked up son. He was fucked up before he met me, wasn’t he?
She is still screaming and swearing at me, tipping me over the edge. I start to drag Harry towards the car, but he is making it difficult for me to move him. His feet seem to be cemented to the floor and it feels like I am attempting to move a ton weight. He is really pissing me off too.
I swear I am only moments away from losing it, losing it big and if I do, Anne will wish I hadn’t.
She says things about me, which nobody has ever dared say. She brings up everything she can about me, chipping away at my insecurities. She has obviously done her research, she knows about Mitch and about my childhood. She doesn’t hesitate in using it all against me and I am furious that Harry doesn’t attempt to stick up for me, or to protect me from this verbal bashing. She allows her words of poison to drip into Harry’s ears, potentially turning him against me. He knows these things to be true, he lived it, and he knows me, better than anyone.
She makes me out to be evil, which infuriates me further. I’m not that person anymore, I’ve changed and Harry knows that, deep down he does. I wouldn’t do the things I did in the past, not now. I would never cheat on him, I’ve learnt that any other man is inferior, compared to him. I know I could never feel for another, the way I feel about him.
He keeps looking at his mum and then at me, desperation on his face. His feet don’t budge from the floor, unsure of what decision he should make. He needs to realise I won’t hesitate in walking away, I will leave him and this time I swear, I will never look back. It will kill me to leave him, but I won’t stand here and allow this woman to destroy everything I have worked so hard to fix.
I have worked hard to put my insecurities in a box, locking them up and hiding them away, deep inside. She is attempting to smash that box open again, with every word she speaks. I won’t let her drag me back to that destructive place I was once in, the dark evil place. I won’t be that person again, I refuse to be.

“You are just a destructive tramp, ruining everything you come in contact with! You are poison, and I won’t let you corrupt my poor boy anymore!”

Her words don’t hurt me, they just refuel the anger inside me. The venom pouring out of me, like a snake when it sinks its teeth into its prey. She seems to think Harry is an angel and that he can’t do anything wrong. Does she know him at all? Is she even aware of the terrible things he has done in the past?
It makes me think of my own baby, growing inside of me. Is that what a mother does? Do they protect their child, whether they are right or wrong? Perhaps, they do and I’m just unaware because I never had a mother to show me the right path.
My hands protectively cover my bump, shielding my baby from the cruelty of this woman. I imagine I would do the same if this was my son in this position, but then again I can’t help thinking my child wouldn’t end up in all the mess that Harry has gotten himself in. Right now though all I can think is that she is wrong and I am right. There is no way I am going to allow her to treat me like this.

“Shut up, you stuck up bitch!”

“Who in their right mind could love you? My son doesn’t love you, he will leave you like he always does!”

Her words sting me, but I quickly cover it up with a stern angry face. She doesn’t realise though her son may have left me, but he’s the one who always comes crawling back to me, begging on his knees. He is the one who begs me to take him back. I hold the power, I will always hold the power in this relationship.

“And he will always come back to me, like he always does.”

I say my words like they are confirmed facts, making her lips turn down into a frown. If she hated me before this, which she did, she will be way past that now. I would imagine that saying she loathes me is more of an appropriate phrase now, maybe even despise.
I let go of Harry, freeing him and he just stays there, doing nothing. My hands clench into tight fists laying by my sides and I start to charge towards her. I will see how cocky she is when I knock her out, I will deliver one punch and show her what I can really do. I don’t give a shit if I’m pregnant, I will still take the bitch!
I feel a tight grip on my arm and suddenly I am flung backwards. It’s done so quickly and roughly that it takes me a second to realise what is going on. My arm feels like it has been ripped from the socket, shooting pains running through me. My eyes narrow as I glare at Harry, who still has hold of me.

“Stop, please stop” Harry begs.

I stare at him, his eyes filling with tears and he looks at me confused. He has no idea what to do and I know he shouldn’t be in this position, but he only has his mother to blame for this. She has caused this, all of it. I tried to be nice and respectful, I came here with good intentions. She had other ideas though and that’s why this has escalated so quickly. She didn’t want to give me a chance, her mind was already made up about me.
I drag my arm from Harry’s grip and I pull his car key from his pocket, which is just hanging out. He doesn’t have time to stop me and I don’t think he would even try to stop me if he could. I’m not staying here any longer, or listening to this bullshit. If I was what he wanted, he would be beside me now and he’d have defended me when his mother threw me to the lions.
I move quickly to his car, ready to drive away and never look back. I don’t know the pin code for the stupid fucking electronic gates, but I will smash through them if I have too.

“Good riddance to trash!” Anne calls after me.

My blood boils, making me turn around to her face her. My eyes feel like they are bulging out of their sockets with anger. I point my finger wildly at her, screeching my words.

“You will never see my baby, do you hear me? You will have nothing to do with him, NOTHING!!”

“I had no intention of doing so.”

I don’t bother giving her another second of my time, or her son either. He has made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t care about me, so why should I still give a shit about him. I turn back to the car, unlocking it and I nearly rip the door off its hinges, pure rage controlling me. I shouldn’t drive being this worked up and angry, but I just want to get away from here. I want to get out of Holmes Chapel and never look back.
I get inside the car, slamming the door shut behind me and I start up the car with the key. I’m not insured to drive his car and I don’t care. I wouldn’t care if I crash, smashing it up, or if I was flung from the car, through the windscreen. I don’t care about anything anymore. What’s the point in caring about anything?
I look through the window one last time. I see Anne staring back at me, smug smile plastered on her face. She enrages me that woman. Harry just stares at me, looking at a loss of what to do still, bottom lip trembling. He is watching me leave, I am leaving him again. I swear this is the last time I will ever leave him because I won’t go back again. I will never go back to him again.
I lift up the handbrake and I quickly turn the car around, driving away from them. I drive down the driveway, heading towards those stupid electronic gates. The moment I reach the gates is when I break down. I cry, my vision clouded by tears. The gates start opening and I imagine Anne the bitch has opened them to get rid of me. She just wants me off her property and I will gladly leave.

“SIENNA!”

I hear him shouting my name and when I look through the rear view mirror, I see him. I see Harry running towards the car, like a madman down the driveway. I have never seen him run so fast, in the whole time I have known him. Everything inside me tells me to lock the doors and drive away, leaving him here. It tells me I need to leave him before he crushes me again, like he has done before. I can’t help waiting though, waiting to hear what he has to say.
His hands slam onto the window, like he hasn’t already gotten my attention. He drags the passenger door open and climbs into the car.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

His eyes pool with tears again. He wraps his arms around my neck and he pulls me towards him. I allow him to hold me, I fit into his body perfectly, but it feels different to usual. His body shakes against mine, him crying loudly. I don’t feel sorry for him, nor do I want to comfort him. He created this, he was the one who allowed me to walk away again. He thinks it’s all ok because he came after me in the end, but it isn’t. It isn’t good enough this time.

“I was never going to let you leave without me.”

I did leave though, he watched me leave and it was only in the last moments he chose to come after me. The secure foundation I thought we had built has been smashed to pieces. He has smashed it with a hammer, destroying our secure relationship, which I thought was unbreakable this time. I am now in doubt about everything we have and everything we are. Should I make him get out, and leave him here?
I know I won’t, mainly just to piss Anne off. I want to wipe that smug smile off her face and ruin her thoughts of her perfect son. The son who chose love over her. He chose me, he will always choose me.
I pull away from him, without saying a single word. I set off driving, through the now open gates. I drive away from his mum’s house, vowing I will never come back here again. I will never see that woman again, no matter the circumstances.
I don’t speak to him as we drive, hurrying back to London. I think it is safe to say that the house in Cheshire is out of the picture. I refuse to live so closely to that woman. It has to be London now, he won’t even have a choice anymore. He tries to strike up conversation with me, but I don’t respond. He eventually gives up, staring out of the window, deep in thought. He is upset, it’s clear to see and I put it down to how he has left things with his mum. The way things stand at the moment he has just given up his relationship with her for me. The problem right now is I am seething with him and I am ready to give up our relationship too. They might salvage things one day, but as far as my boy is concerned, she will never see him. She will never see her grandchild for as long as I am breathing.
I am over tired and way too emotional, which is a dangerous combination for him. My mood switches throughout the journey, one moment I am crying and the next I am punching the steering wheel. I don’t get any words of support from Harry during the trip, which for him is a good thing. The way I am feeling I will annihilate him if he tries to be nice to me. I don’t want comfort from him, or for him to be nice to me. I don’t want anything from him right now.
The traffic is busy and by the time we get back to London it is nearly ten in the evening. I just want to go to sleep and forget today ever happened. I know though my emotions are all over the place and I won’t be able to sleep.
We are met by Trevor and Mark when we park the car. They help us out of the car and they get us smoothly into the hotel, with no distractions. I’m glad things go smoothly because the mood I am in I wouldn’t be able to bite my tongue. I would end up screaming at the fans and paparazzi, only fuelling them further. There was thankfully only a few people outside, just a few people screaming for us around the back of the hotel. I’m hoping that this is a sign of things to come, that people are starting to get bored of our lack of interaction with them, meaning they will leave us alone.
We go to our hotel suite alone, just me and him. Trevor and Mark go home for the day, I tell them I will call them tomorrow when we need them. The hotel door shuts and that’s when the demons come out. I can’t hold it in anymore.

“I don’t want you here.”

He turns to look at me, shock filling his face. He look tired, defeated almost and he looks like he can’t believe what I am saying to him. Did he really think I was just going to let this go? That we could attempt to live happily ever after, I don’t think so.

“What? I’ve just given up my family for you! I’ve given up everything for you!”

I gave up everything for him too. I gave up my sanity and I gave up my heart. The anger builds, almost causing me pain as I seem to burst. The demons inside me come bursting out, raging and seething. I have no control over them, none at all. I can’t stop them or myself, and in all honesty I don’t want too.
I lunge my body at him, knocking him to the floor, and I fall down on top of him. My hands grip fistfuls of his curly hair and I have no control as I drag his head rigidly from side to side. He tries to push me off, trying to pry my hands from his hair, but I am stronger than he thinks. I can’t stop, I can’t.
I keep hold of his hair, pulling it so hard it feels like it could rip from his scalp. I free my other hand from his hair, I clench it into a tight fist and I use it to hit him repeatedly in the face.

“Sienna, stop please stop!”

He begs me, yet his words barely even register with me. I just keep going, destroying everything I can of the man I am supposed to love. The demon inside is unleashed, it has full control, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
My head is thrown backwards, knocking me over onto my back and allowing Harry to be free. He is free from my vicious assault. I am startled for a moment and then I feel a warm liquid trickling down my chin. I touch it and stare down at the blood now covering my hand. My hand shakes, my mind is all over the place and the demons have gone.
I stare at him, still on the floor and him staring back at me wide eyed. He looks terrified, with remorse covering his face. It takes me a moment to realise what has happened, but it soon hits me, like he just did. He has punched me. Harry has punched me in my mouth, busting my lip.
My lip hurts, it starts to tremble and my body stiffens in fear. The memories come flooding back, Mitch towering above me and causing me pain. The pain I thought I would never feel again. I thought I was stronger than this, that he wouldn’t dare do this to me, but right now I feel weak. I still feel like I am the same weak, pathetic person I was, when I was with Mitch. Am I still that person?
I can’t cry, I can’t scream. I just stare at him, the man who I thought would never hurt me. I watch as the guilt starts to consume him, more with every second that passes us by.

“I’m so sorry” he speaks.

He scrambles to his knees, almost begging me to accept his apology. A sorry isn’t just going to make this okay. I know I shouldn’t have hit him, but that doesn’t give him the right to hit me, after everything I have been through. I am aware that a lot of people believe if a woman is big enough to hit a man, then they should be able to take the same thing back.
I would normally be back up by now, hitting him back. I would challenge him, I’m sure I would. I swore I would never let someone treat me how Mitch did, but here I am allowing history to repeat itself. I’m pregnant though and that changes everything. This is worse than anything Mitch did, I’m having Harry’s baby. He has assaulted me when I am having his baby.
I rush to my feet, my hand hanging beneath my chin, ready to catch any blood that drips from my lip. I move quickly to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind me. I stare into the mirror, seeing my lip bleeding and my dark tired eyes, staring back at me. I can’t remember when I last saw my eyes looking so defeated, it has been a long time.
I know what this means, I know it is coming back. The depression is kicking back in and taking over again. It is seeping back in, controlling me again and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t even know how to deal with it when it comes.
The last time my depression was an issue I had Liam. He knew how to deal with me and he helped me to cope with my illness. I don’t know if Harry is the right person to help me through this. I don’t think he is strong enough to handle me at my worst. Liam dealt with blow after blow from me, bruises to his face and body, yet he never even raised his voice. He would never have raised his fist to me, no matter what I did. He understood that I don’t want to be like this, he knew it was an illness. He knew I couldn’t control what I did, the emotions inside controlled me. Harry doesn’t understand any of it and it terrifies me because I know where this can lead.

Harry’s POV

I watch as she runs into the bathroom, blood dripping from her lips. I hear the door slam shut and the desperate sounds of her locking the door. I feel sick, physically sick thinking that she might actually be scared of me. The woman I love is scared of me because of what I have just done to her, in the heat of the moment.
My whole body shakes, making my teeth chatter together. I want to get up and go after her, but I can’t. I can’t go to her when I know it will make things worse. Everything will escalate further and I’m scared of where this will end up. I am scared of what I will do.
I don’t know what happened, I just saw red. I just saw red and the next thing I knew she was on the floor bleeding. I can’t even remember my fist connecting with her lips and that’s what worries me the most. What if I lost it and hurt her further, or even the baby? I don’t know who I am anymore, or who I have become.
I don’t know what it is about me and Sienna, but we are toxic for each other. All we ever do is destroy each other when we are together, but I feel incomplete without her. It feels like I can’t live with her and I can’t live without her. What am I meant to do? I wish I knew what to do, and what I am supposed to do.
I climb to my feet, rubbing my face with my hands and trying to make sense of everything. There is a part of me edging towards the bathroom door, but there is a part of me stopping me. I am torn, like I was earlier. I know I’m wrong, so wrong, but what was I meant to do. Am I supposed to allow her to beat me up and do nothing? That’s the problem with society these days, most women think they can do whatever they want. She thought she could keep hitting me and only stop when she decided too. I’m not saying what I did was right, but what other choice did I have.
The walls feel like they are closing in on me, telling me I need to get out of here. I need some space, just a bit of time to gather my thoughts and make sense of everything. I walk to the door, leaving the suite and I don’t bother to tell the psycho in the bathroom that I am leaving.
I make my way down to the lobby, almost feeling suffocated by everything. This is what happens with me and Sienna, everything is perfect and somehow we always have to destroy it. We have to destroy things and I honestly don’t know why we do it.
My face is sore, covered in cuts and scratches from Sienna’s assault. My arms are already covered in scabs from Sienna’s nails digging into me earlier. I look a mess and I feel it too.
I walk aimlessly around the hotel, not knowing where I should go and eventually I am drawn to the bar. I am drawn to the one place that use to feel like home to me. I take a seat at the bar, ordering a coke, even though I desperately need something stronger. I vowed I wouldn’t drink again and I will stick to it this time. The bartender asks if I am okay, noticing the cuts and I dismiss him. I don’t care if I am being rude, I haven’t got it in me to be polite. He takes my money and hands me my drink, leaving me to drown in my problems.
I keep thinking about earlier, with my mum. Her sad face, her whimpering eyes, and the moment she realised I was leaving her. She was so happy when she thought I was staying with her, smiling and rejoicing. She thought I had chosen her, I wanted too, but I couldn’t let Sienna leave. I couldn’t lose her again, I couldn’t watch her drive away. I didn’t even give my mum an explanation, I just said I was sorry and I ran. I ran after Sienna as fast as I could, hardly being able to breathe. It made me realise that I need to get back to the gym. I didn’t look back at my mum, seeing her sad face once was too much for me. I didn’t even look back when I got to the car, I couldn’t see my mum watching me drive away. I wasn’t sure then though if I was doing the right thing, or if I was making another mistake, like so many times before.
It all feels like a mistake now, being here and leaving my mum seems like a mistake. I should have known at the time it was. They say that your mum knows best and maybe this time she did. She is normally right about everything, so maybe she is right about Sienna.
It’s impossible to walk away from Sienna, she owns my heart and no matter who I claim to love after her, it’s never enough. I never love anyone even half of how much I love her. Why did I have to fall in love with her? I had to fall in love with someone who rarely seems to love me back. We should have grasped how to be together by now and here we are years on, still going down the same path as when we first met.
It’s time to walk away, I know it is, but I can’t. I can’t leave her and I don’t think I ever will be able too. The only way we will ever be parted forever is if one of us dies. The scariest part is I don’t know which one of us I would prefer it to be. I don’t know whether I want her dead, or me.

Sienna’s POV

My lips sting, making me press the tissue onto it, making sure the bleeding has stopped. The blood has almost dried up, leaving just traces of blood on the tissue. I lay in bed, the room engulfed in darkness. It’s so dark that I can’t even see my hand in front of my eyes. I need this though, I need the darkness to calm me.
My anger has disappeared now, but the sadness has over taken me. I just lay here crying, my body shaking with emotion and my mind clouded by crazy irrational thoughts. The kind of thoughts I wouldn’t have if I was of sane mind, but I’m not anymore. I am anything other than sane.
That’s the problem with depression, it clouds your thoughts with darkness and controls every aspect of you. It stops you from recalling any good memories, only ever focussing on the bad. It’s almost like the good never even existed. It takes over every part of you, your body, mind and soul. It makes you see yourself as worthless, unworthy of anything good. That’s how I feel right now, I feel completely worthless.
My heart aches, my head pounding, whilst sobs run through me. It feels like my eyes will never dry and the tears will never end. This feeling of depression isn’t going anywhere, even if Harry and I make everything okay again. It will hide momentarily and seep out again, in my weak moments.
My bipolar hasn’t been an issue, since I discovered I had the illness. I was given medication and it helped to control it, but that was before the pregnancy. I stopped taking my medication for the sake of my baby. That’s why everything is spiralling out of control now and that’s why my moods are so up and down.
I would drown myself in alcohol if I wasn’t pregnant. I would drown in my own misery and unhappiness. I would destroy myself again, like so many times before. It is only for the sake of my boy inside me that I don’t. He never asked to be born, or to be stuck with parents like me and Harry. He didn’t get a choice about the life he is being born into. I had the choice and I made the wrong one with everything.
I picked Harry, when I shouldn’t have. I could have had Liam or Zayn, either one of them would have been okay, but I had to tell the truth. I had to tell Harry he was the father and that’s when everything was destined to go wrong.
I decided to keep the baby, a baby that will more than likely have special needs, needs I won’t be able to cope with. I can’t even cope with myself, let alone a baby. I am going to mess this all up, just like my parents did with me. Harry and I will both mess this up and we’ll ruin our child’s life. He is destined for disaster and he hasn’t even been born yet. I can’t help thinking that having this baby isn’t the right thing for me. I wonder if being a bad mother is something that runs in my genes. Perhaps, I’m not meant to be a mother, like my mother couldn’t be one to me. I can’t help thinking I should follow in my parent’s footsteps and consider that adoption might be the best option. It might even be my only option.

Harry’s POV

I stay at the bar, trying to relax and enjoy my drink. The longer time goes by, the lonelier I feel. I should go back to the suite and face Sienna, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to face her, or even speak to her. I just want to talk to someone else, someone impartial, and who will listen to me. I want to lay my problems onto someone who will listen and who cares. The problem is though I haven’t got any friends, not a single one.
I have lost everyone who I considered to be a friend and who has cared about me. I lost them all because of Sienna, it all relates back to her. She has somehow destroyed my life without me even realising it and now she is destroying me.
She ruined my friendships with Zayn and Liam, playing games with us all. How could I ever be friends with them, when they have touched the woman I love intimately? She turned me against Louis, making me see he wasn’t who I thought he was. It got to a point where I couldn’t be in One Direction anymore, the tension was all too much. I did it all for her, even though I told myself at the time I didn’t and it was for me. I left so I could be with her, all day, and every single day.
She made me choose between her and my mum. She made me see my mum in a different light, an unflattering light. She made me break my mum’s heart, making our relationship unrepairable.
What am I meant to do now? I have nobody, nobody to turn too.
I stay at the bar, trying to enjoy my own company, but it’s hard when you are an arsehole. I know Sienna isn’t just to blame for me being alone, I am too. I’m not surprised nobody wants to be near me, I don’t even want to be near me either.
I pull my phone from my pocket, scrolling through my contact list. There are endless names in there, but not a single name who cares about me now. The majority only cared when I was in One Direction, I was worthy of their kindness then. I eventually stop on a name, my last shot.

‘Can we talk?’

I send the text to my sister, Gemma, hoping she will be there for me. She was in the past and I have neglected her lately, like I have done with everyone. Did I neglect them all because of Sienna? Or did my ego just get too big? I don’t know the answers anymore, I have no clue.
My phone vibrates on the bar a few minutes later, where I left it and I see I have a text. I slide my finger across the screen, bringing my phone to life and I press the text message.

‘Why would I want to talk to you? Do you even realise what you have done to mum?! She is heartbroken, she has been all day. I’m done with you, we’re all done with you. We have given you endless chances and we’ve all always stood by you and I refuse to do it anymore. I refuse to let you walk all over us. I don’t want to talk to you, not for a while at least.’

I reread the text over and over again, trying to control the emotion inside. It’s no use and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from crying. I realise then that I have nobody, I have lost everyone, who once cared about me.
That’s why when I order a vodka on the rocks, I feel nothing. I don’t feel any shame, or any remorse. I just order it, not thinking of the consequences, or about what it did to me in the past. The only thing I know right now is that I need it. I have to feed my need, until I don’t need to feed it anymore, or until I feel nothing. I want to feel nothing, like I used to do.
The glass is handed to me, and the relief slips down my throat as I swallow the liquid. The vodka ignites something inside me again, something I hadn’t realised I had been missing. I don’t want to ever miss this feeling again.