The Girl in the Mirror 2 (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 33

Chapter 33

Harry’s POV

The pain in my hand is intense, stinging relentlessly. It feels like someone is pouring salt into an open wound, rubbing it in and causing agonising pain. I wince in pain, holding the already bloodied tea towel tighter around my hand, trying to suppress the bleeding. The white tea towel turns red, blood seeping into it and staining the material. Fuck! This hurts, it really fucking hurts!
I hold my hand tightly to my chest, realising now how stupid my irrational behaviour was. Why was I so fucking stupid and out of control? I wasn’t thinking at all, I was engulfed in rage and I snapped, before I could think rationally. There was something inside me that snapped and made me go crazy, when I realised she was going to drive away and leave me behind. She was actually going to leave me and take my son with her. I had to stop her, I had to make her stay with me. I didn’t have an option other than smashing the window and grabbing the keys from the ignition. At that time it seemed like the only way.

“Drive faster!” I snap.

I stare at Robin, my eyes narrowed angrily at him. I’m taking my pain out on him, when all he’s doing is helping me. He doesn’t acknowledge me, keeping his eyes fixed on the road ahead. He got the short straw in taking me to the hospital, which I’m sure everyone else is thankful for. He doesn’t speak as he gathers up speed, driving faster to the hospital, so I can get my hand seen to quicker. I didn’t even want to go to the stupid fucking hospital, but my mum made me. She forced me to go and made Robin take me too.
I feel on edge, not just with the pain, but because of Sienna too. I’m confused about what I want and worried she might have left by the time I get back. Although, my mum swore she wouldn’t let her leave and I believe her. I know my mum would do all she could to keep Sienna with her, knowing how I’d react if she didn’t. I wouldn’t have left if I doubted my mum’s capabilities and power of persuasion.
Everything seems like such a mess right now. It’s always a mess, whenever I’m involved. The one thing I’m certain of is I want to make music again. I want to be happy again, I’m just not sure what I need to be happy. She isn’t taking my baby away from me either. She isn’t taking Freddy. I’ll make her regret it if she even thinks about it. I’ll fucking ruin her before I let that happen.
The silence remains in the car, making me feel unnerved and uncomfortable. Robin makes no attempt to talk to me or to see if I’m okay. Obviously, he thinks all of this is my fault, not hers. He doesn’t know everything though, nobody else knows the full story. They don’t know what’s going on or what’s happened between us. He doesn’t know how hard it is being with her, nobody else understand how hard it is. He doesn’t understand us or our backstory. They just see this beautiful girl, who I should be able to love unconditionally. They don’t know how hard it is to love her and how every little thing turns into a huge battle. I don’t even know myself the difference between what I feel and what I think I should feel for her anymore.
I know that the feelings aren’t as strong anymore, not like they were. I’m sure that’s normal though. I’m sure over time you’re not meant to love someone exactly the same as you did in the beginning. I mean I can’t forget that this woman shattered me, she broke me and sometimes it’s too easy to be reminded of that. It’s so difficult forgetting what she’s done whenever she’s back in my life. It’s only when we’re apart that I forget what she’s done. It all gets pushed to the back of my head, forgotten until she’s mines again.
I can still feel the scars on my heart from the way she made me feel. I got so low that I didn’t think it’d be physically possible to get back up. There were so many times where she gave me mixed signals and I never knew where I stood, but now she wants clarity. She wants answers, definitions and labels. I can’t give her labels, not when I’m so unsure myself.  She didn’t care when the roles were reversed and I had to live our love in doubt and uncertainty. It’s like I’m forced to give her answers because it’s her who wants them. Seriously, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I have to love her because if I don’t love her, who else will? What about me though? What happens to me if I force myself to stick with her? Do I lose myself completely? Do I forget who I am just to keep her happy? I don’t know if I can do that anymore, I don’t know if I can keep up this pretence anymore.