The Girl in the Mirror 2 (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Sienna's POV

The pain that radiates through the car, gets stronger with every minute that passes by. The pain presses down on me and I feel like it is crushing my heart, like it is being squeezed between someone's palms. It feels like it is being squeezed of all life and love.
I know if I feel like this then he is feeling something twice as bad as I am. The pain he is feeling is crippling him and as I turn my head to watch him, I see the pain fixed in his brown eyes. The pain I have caused is going to live with him forever and he will always remember this time, this moment. He will always remember the hurt I caused and the pain he is feeling now. He will remember the day I finally broke his heart, I broke it and there isn't any going back from this. We both know this is it indefinitely for us and that's why this time is so much harder than all the others.
This isn't the first mistake I have made, but this is the biggest one and the most damaging. This will always live with me and the pain in his eyes will live with me until the die I day.
He may have not been ready for a family with me and he may be relieved he doesn't have to go through with that, but knowing he has lost me is what hurts him. He loves me, he always has and he's realising now, I never loved him fully. I never loved him like I should have done.
There aren't any words for either of us to speak, nothing can ease the pain or the tension, which has now been created between us. I want to tell him I'm sorry, I want to ask him to still be my friend, but there isn't any point. There isn't any reason for me to remain a permanent fixture in his life. He doesn't need me, he never did. I'm the one who always needed him, I relied on him and I don't think I'm strong enough to get through everything without him.
I want him by my side, that safe guard protecting me from the burning flame that is the world. He stopped me so many times from being burnt, even though I scolded him time and time again. All I have ever done to him is lead him to the dark and I left him there, I left him with no light and no way out.
We both know he should have walked away from me, but he had an uncontrollable need for me. A need that would always be his downfall and there isn't any way for him to pick himself back up from that, not until I walk away completely. I am finally walking away and setting him free, even though my selfishness makes me want to cling to him and never let him go.
The growing anxious feeling in my stomach gets stronger and my eyes remain fixed on him. There is a part of me that needs to take control of what is going on. I need to know how everything is going to work out, it's never going to be that simple though, not now that Harry Styles is involved.
There isn't any point relaying on Harry, he lets me down, he always has. I had it all planned in my head before tonight, I knew exactly what I wanted and my stupidity ruined that. The want and the need flowing through my veins made me weak and made me ruin everything by telling them the truth. I know it would have come out eventually, I just wish I had handled it better.
I wish I could have spared Liam from all of this first. I would have protected him and allowed him to flee, let him leave without me and let him do this on his own terms. I never meant to hurt him, I didn't want to do that. I never planned on loving him and Harry, I never planned on my heart racing faster whenever I saw Harry. I never wanted the Goosebumps forming on my skin whenever he looked at me or touched me. I never intended on having anything to do with him. I can't control what's in my heart, just like Liam can't help what's in his heart for me.
Liam flicks on his left indicator and he takes the next turning. I feel sadness rise inside me, it rises up to my throat, making it tighten and then to my eyes, making them fill with tears. I try to push the hurt and sadness away, but they remain. I hold the tears in, even as he gets closer to my hotel and not his apartment, where I thought he was taking me. I know it's stupid, I know he won't want to spend time with me, not now.
I was hoping though that he would give me one more night, one more night for us to be together. I don't want him to kiss me, I just want to be held by him. I want to feel his toned arms wrapped around me, pressing his body against mine. I want to feel safe with him, I want to be with him one last time. I want us to love each other purely for one more night.
I don't want to be alone and I didn't think he would want to be either. There is so much more to think about and so much pain to handle, I don't even know how I will get through the night. I hate how we are ending this, I hate how abruptly we are parting and how cruelly we are ending our time together. I wish I could have been better for him, I wish I had taken some of his kindness, using it myself and showing kindness to him. I wish I could have been better. I wasn't though and now we are both going to have to get used to being alone.
The pain of the last few days seems to be never ending and I just want to sleep until everything is better, I want to sleep until all of the misery has gone and everything feels better.
Why can't everything just be ok?
I wish I could go back in time and for tonight to never have happened. I would remove it from our memories and play out things like I had planned. I would make myself fully love Liam and he would love me. I just want him to tell me it will all be ok and that it will all work out. I can't accept yet that Liam can't be the one to make it all ok, like he has always done before. He doesn't know how to make it ok and neither do I. I should have appreciated him when I had him, I realise that now and if an apology meant anything, I would speak those words until my throat dried up and nothing could leave my dried lips anymore. I would keep repeating them until he had to accept them and they slowly healed his aching heart.
They are just words though and words can't cement the cracks I have formed. I am realising that his soft red lips will never meet mine again and the stubble on his chin will never graze my face again. His intent stare will never fix onto me and he will never stare back at me like I am his entire world. He will never twirl my hair between his fingers and never run those fingers against my soft skin. I will never feel beautiful just by the look in his eyes and the small smile forming on his lips, when he saw me. I will never feel how he made me feel again. I was lucky to ever experience that and I am thankful I was lucky enough to have them, I have to be thankful.
I finally remove my eyes from his pained face and I stare out of the window screen. My hotel comes into view and he slowly pulls up outside it. He switches off the engine and he rubs his eyes. I'm not sure if he rubs them due to emotion or if he is tired, maybe both.
I stare down at my hands, too emotional and hurt to stare at him. I urge him to speak, without saying a word myself. I need to hear his voice, his sweet voice that will sooth a part of me.
He clears his throat and I realise he is preparing to speak, making my stomach tighten with nerves.