The Girl in the Mirror 2 (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Sienna’s POV

I inhale deeply and exhale loudly, staring at my pale tired reflection in the mirror, which is fixed on to the wall. The hotel room feels stuffy today, small and enclosed. I try to ignore the anxious and nervous feeling inside, moving my hands down to smooth down my slightly wrinkled black pencil skirt. I lift my hands, gently grazing them over my growing baby bump, which is prominent today. My white sheer blouse is tucked into my skirt, confirming to the world I am pregnant, in case they had any doubt. It isn’t disguisable anymore.
I pick up my diamond ear rings from the table, piercing my ear with the stud and fixing the back on firmly, securing the earring in place. I follow the same routine with my other earring and I tuck my blonde wavy hair behind my ears.
My stomach twists in knots, which seem to intensify as the time grows closer. I’m not worried or anxious for me, I am feeling all of this for him. Harry. This is a big day for him and all I can do is stand beside him, offering him my support when he needs it. My words won’t make much difference, there is nothing I can say or do that will make a difference today.
I hear him retching in the toilet, loud and painful noises leaving him. He stands near the door, the bathroom door wide open and I watch him through the mirror. It all seems so chaotic and out of control, even though it is just me and him in here. He leans over the toilet bowl, retching and coughing loudly, but nothing leaves his mouth. He hasn’t eaten in days, I know he hasn’t got anything to bring up from his stomach.
The pain explodes in my chest and I feel a deep stabbing pain in my heart, seeing the man I love fall apart before me. He hasn’t slept properly in days, he has tossed and turned. He hasn’t been speaking, spending his days mute in fear. He hasn’t been able to sleep, having panic attacks and shaking all night long. I haven’t slept much either, most of my nights have been spent watching over him and comforting him when he has broken. I haven’t complained though, he would do the same if it was me.
He has needed me this week, but those days are nothing like how he needs me today. This will be one of the biggest days of his life, our life together. The sounds from the bathroom continue, the nerves getting the better of him. He has complained all morning about his stomach doing backflips and somersaults, so sporadically that it has made him sick. It has kept going like that until he ran to the bathroom, unable to hold it in any longer.

“You ok?” I ask concerned, turning away from the mirror and moving closer to the bathroom door.

I chew on my bottom lip as the nerves seem to radiate from his body. I have never seen him like this before and I have seen him in his darkest hours. I have seen him teetering on the edge many times before.
He flushes the toilet, even though nothing has left his mouth. He uses a piece of tissue to wipes his eyes, nose and mouth. He wipes away any evidence of his retching and some of his nerves. He nods, gasping for breath and not yet being able to speak. He moves to the sink, brushing his teeth carefully and composing himself as he does.
I walk inside the bathroom, walking up behind him and I wrap my arms around his stomach. I can tell he has lost weight by how easily my arms fit around him, even with my expanding stomach. He has been so stressed and worried about everything, it pains me to see. He has walked around with his head hung low, his distress has been apparent. Neither, one of us know what is going on properly and I hope by the end of today we will have a better idea. I hope by the end of today I will his endearing smile again. I lay my face flat on him between his shoulder blades, feeling his bones beneath his black shirt.

“I’m here” I say quietly, closing my eyes as I take in his scent.

There is something about his scent that always calms me, stops the fear raging through me. It stops me from falling into the gaping hole of destruction. It helps me keep him out too, stops us weaving into the destruction together.  

“Everything will be ok, I will make sure everything is ok” I assure him.

He spits the toothpaste from his mouth into the sink and he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. He slowly turns around, his body twisting around in my grasp. My eyes trail up to his and he places his finger beneath my chin, lifting it up to meet his. He moves his hand to the side of my face, gently stroking my cheek. His eyes look fearful, fragile even and the green of his eyes shine on the verge of tears. His face is drenched in agony and I hate that I can’t just make everything ok.
I press my lips together firmly, fighting my own urge to cry. I hate seeing him like this, I hate seeing vulnerable Harry. I don’t ever want to see him like this and thankfully I don’t see it regularly. The sight of him like this pulls on my heart strings, making me break alongside him. Every cry, every sob dismantles my heart, slicing me apart too.  

“I don’t know what I would do if you wasn’t here” he whimpers “I know I don’t deserve you being here, but I am so grateful that you are. Especially after everything I have done”.

I turn my face into the palm of his hand and I gently grace my lips across it. I don’t know myself sometimes why I am still here after everything. I have to ask myself why I have put up with everything that this man has thrown at me over time. I am here though and I give myself the same answer every single time, I love him. That’s the reason why I am here, I love every piece of him. I even love the broken pieces of him, the pieces I am trying to fix now.
I know him, I know him better than anyone. I know now that the anger and rage he always showed was a cover. It was his defence mechanism, trying to hide what he felt on the inside. I know he was driven to the edge of insanity and I played a part in that. I at times were the driver, driving him to the edge.

“I will always be here” I tell him the words he needs to hear “I promise”.

He knows deep down I will always be here, beside him. He knows whatever he throws at me, I will be here to make it all better. I’m not leaving him, not again.
He leans down towards me and his lips softly press against me, half on my lips and half on my face. The touch sends sensations through my body and I instantly want more, more of him. I know we haven’t got time and I imagine he isn’t in the mood. He doesn’t realise how one simple touch from him can ignite a thousand flames inside me. He makes me happy, I need to make sure I make him happy too.

“Are you ready?” I ask him gently, still feeling the burn from his lips.

He half nods, knowingly not ready, but not having a choice. He leans his forehead against mine and I can smell his minty breath, filling my senses. He lets out a deep sigh and then he moves away from me. He steps back, staring sadly at the floor with his head bowed.

“You can do this, you can get through this” I encourage, walking to him and taking his hand in mine.

He nods, not speaking a word and even though he doesn’t say it, I can tell he doesn’t believe me.

***

We both try to compose ourselves as we prepare to face the media circus outside our hotel. We walk through the exit and we are met by a swarm of paparazzi and fans. They have all spent the last week waiting outside here for us, whilst we have been avoiding them. We have literally locked ourselves away from the outside world and it is only now we are facing them.
The two of us have gone practically stare crazy, sitting in our hotel room. It’s just been the two of us, avoiding the media storm surrounding our on again and off again relationship. There has been endless speculation as to why Harry hasn’t been doing any public appearances. He hasn’t been ready to face the outside world, or to confirm his lack of commitment to One Direction. I was happy stand by his side, until he was happy to reveal everything in his own time.
He takes my hand in his, I hope my touch manages to calm and relax him, like his does with me. He always manages to make me swallow the fear, even with the craziness surrounding us. His palms are sweaty, making his grip slide in mine and I know it is down to nerves. His eyes are dipped and his head lowered, cautious of everyone around us. The clear uncertainty and fear on his face only feeds the vultures circling us, making them want more. They want a reaction from him and by the hurtful things they shout, they will do anything to get it.
Everything has blown up for us this week, all because we have been silent. There are times were silence is the worst thing you can do, it causes more want and need from the public. They all now feel like they need to know about Harry and I. They all want to know if Harry has really been ill, like his band mates have claimed, or if there is something more sinister and serious going on. They all think my relationships with Liam and my on and off relationship with Harry has caused a huge divide in the band and unsurprisingly they are right, but that isn’t something we will confirm.
We reach the black Bentley waiting for us, the windows are tinted and the door is opened for us. Harry lets me climb in first and then he climbs in too. The door is shut, cameras are pressed against the windows trying to get the last glimpses of us. The car is started and we quickly glide away from the scene.
I know if Harry wasn’t dismantling beside me, he would have challenged the media. His normal fury would have risen higher than to something we could control. He isn’t himself though, meaning the press got off lightly today.
Harry shifts uncomfortably in his seat, the palm of his hands are pressed onto his forehead, trying to ease the tension he has built up by keeping in his anger. I place my hand on his knee, hoping that my touch might sooth him to some extent. His hand lowers from his face and rests on top of mine. He seems calm finally, but then I hear the sounds of escaping sobs.
I turn to him again and see he is doing all he can to keep the sobs in, but they are too overwhelming. My own eyes begin to water, seeing the person I love trying to deal with his inner turmoil. He has told me a hundred times this week, this is what he wants, but actually going through with it is a completely different thing and feeling. The sound of his sobs replay in a loop in my head, making my heart fall and lay in the pit on my stomach, breaking into pieces.
I slide my body closer to him on the leather seats. My body presses against his side and I lean forward, laying my head down on his chest. I feel his chest heaving up and down beneath me, whilst he tries to calm himself.
My Harry is on the verge of breaking and I have no idea this time how to stop it or how to make it better.

The car pulls up outside the large stone building and my nerves prickle again. The sign shows it is SyCo, One Directions record label. The twenty minute car journey here has given Harry the chance to calm down and he seems surer than ever that he is doing the right thing. His tears have gone, yet his expression still shows a distressed man. I know he will feel worse once he is inside and proceedings get underway.
The car door opens for us and Harry gets out first, then he helps me out too. He takes my hand in his and we walk up the steps to the grand building, I give him a reassuring smile. I hope it shows him I am here for him no matter what.
We walk through the glass sliding doors, into the lavish reception area. There are large plants surrounding the walls and white marble floors. Everything is white and modern, except for the plants. They give the place a bit of life, stop the whiteness from being so bright. We are immediately met by Harry’s lawyer, Jonathan. He’s a nice man, in his late forties, slightly greying hair and kind brown eyes. He has taken some of the burden off Harry, taking control wherever he has been able too. He walks to us smiling and he shakes Harry’s hand firmly and then mine.

“How are you?” he asks Harry genuinely.

“Shitting myself” Harry admits exasperated.

Jonathan nods, showing Harry he understands. He seems to have everything under control and I imagine everything he needs is inside his black briefcase, which he holds in his left hand.

“Don’t worry, I have gone through everything with a fine tooth comb. I know exactly where you stand with all of this. All you need to do is tell them why you want to leave and then I should be able to wrap everything up for you. You haven’t signed a new contract yet and your current one is almost at an end” he explains.

His words seem to ease the frown and tension in Harry’s face and he nods taking in everything he is told. I know actually going through with this is hard for him, but this isn’t why he is scared. He knows his contract can easily be ended. It is facing the others; Louis, Niall, Liam and Zayn. It is seeing them again, after a week of ignoring all communications with them. It’s looking them all in the eyes and telling them he wants out. It’s admitting he isn’t happy and no matter what they say, they can’t change his mind.
Jonathan goes over a few things with Harry and in no time we are walking down a string of corridors, heading to the meeting room where everything will be finalised. I can practically hear Harry’s heart beating with nerves as we walk up the final corridor, the door now in sight.
We stop outside the door, Harry needing a moment to prepare himself. He trembles with nerves and he curls his hands into his palms, trying to stop the trembling. Jonathan turns to face us and he wears a hesitant expression on his face.

“Sienna, they have requested you wait here” he tells me.

My eyes open wide in surprise, I wasn’t expecting to be pushed out. I just came along to support Harry, I wasn’t planning on saying a single word. Harry turns to me, concern plastered onto his face. He looks panic-stricken, realising I won’t be beside him at his weakest moment. I seem to ease the tension, just by being beside him.
I quickly paint on a brave face, not wanting to show him that I am concerned for his welfare when I’m not there. The fear in his eyes is evident and I can see he is ready to fall over board. He wants me to cling onto him, keeping him upright like I always do.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be fine” I tell him “Jonathan has everything sorted out for you and I’ll be here waiting when you are done”.

His bottom lip trembles with emotion “I need you beside me, I can’t do it alone. I can’t face them all without you”.

I grab his shirt, gently and I pull him towards me. I lift my arms, wrapping them behind his neck and I press my lips against his gently. I allow him to melt into my kiss, giving him some well needed strength. The connection between us is intense, making my body burn for him. We move our lips apart and I keep our foreheads pressed together.

“You just need to go in there and tell them the truth, tell them how you feel. Tell them everything, you don’t need me there when you do that. You can do that yourself and they’ll understand it more without me there. I will wait right here” I assure him, stroking the side of his face with my thumb.

He sighs, nodding and he allows me to wipe the escaped tears away from beneath his eyes. He steps away from me, my arms falling by my side and he turns to face the door. Jonathan rests his hand on Harry’s back and he leads him away from me, to the door. Harry turns around again to look at me and I give him a small reassuring smile. He smiles back the best he can and Jonathan opens the door. He takes a deep breath, walking into the lion’s den and leaving me outside alone. The only thing I can do is pray, pray that he is strong enough to get through this.

Harry’s POV

I walk inside the room and the tension hits me straight away. I can feel the animosity and it makes my stomach churn dangerously. I feel the bile rising up to my throat and I have to quickly swallow it back down, before I attempt to release my empty stomach. I chew on my bottom lip, whilst I take a seat and I avoid everyone’s burning gazes,
I shift uncomfortably in my seat, my leg shaking uncontrollably and I place my hands down on them to try and steady the shaking. My eyes finally drift up and I allow myself to look down the line of people sat across from me, just the large glossy rectangular table, separating us. My eyes move along my band mate’s and my once good friends. They all seem unnerved, cautious and on edge, except for Louis. His face is filled with pure red rage and his eyes burn into me. I narrow my eyes at him, returning some of the hate he is sending to me, back to him.
I am faced with high members of the record label, their lawyer, Simon Cowell, Paul and the guys. They all sit at the other side of the table and Jonathan and me on the other side. It is clear to see who has the control and who is fighting against who. I’m not here to battle it out though, I just want to get this over with as quickly as possible.
The room is filled with silence, a strained silence. I’m not sure if I am meant to start proceedings, but I am too nervous to even speak. I avoid everyone’s harsh stares, focusing my attention on the papers in front of Jonathan.

“Shall we start?” Simon asks, taking control.

I look up from the papers to meet his eyes, finding he is staring at me and I nod, showing him I am as ready as I ever will be.

“I think it is clear why we are all here” Jonathan claims, taking control for me.

“I don’t think it is” Louis chirps in.

His words come off sounding patronising and I find myself glaring at him once again. I knew he would be the first person out of the group to speak, he can’t help himself. He can’t help dragging himself into the spotlight as always. He stares back at me, his face taunting me and urging me to say the words that will forever seal the fate of our friendships. There won’t be a friendship after this.

“Harry has deliberated this over and over again, but he has decided that he wants to terminate his contract and leave the group” Jonathan confirms.

I gage the boy’s reactions and I feel a lump form in my throat as Niall quickly covers his face with his hands, body sinking in. Louis crosses his arms over his chest and his expression doesn’t change, eyes still narrowed at me. Liam shakes his head and his eyes fix onto the table and Zayn’s eyes open wide and he covers his mouth with his hands.

“Immediately” Jonathan adds.

“Is that right Harry?” Simon asks, looking at me over the top of his glasses. I feel everyone’s eyes on me, making me feel uneasy. I nod, confirming this is what I want. I know I am being selfish, but I need this all just to end now. I can’t do this any longer.

“Why?” Niall suddenly blurts out.

I stare at him, tears pooling at the side of his eyes and that look on his face causes a stabbing pain in my chest. He was the one person who I didn’t want to have to face today, I knew it would cripple me when I did. I knew he would be hurt, the most upset and I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I swallow my tears back, clearing my throat and I think of Sienna’s words. The pep talk she gave me before I came in here and I feed off her words, using them as much as I can.

“Have you ever had a feeling inside, one where it feels like your insides are crumbling into dust? I feel like if I do one more fake smile it will push me over and I’ll end up putting a gun to my head. I stare in the mirror and I have no idea who the person is looking back at me. Do you ever feel like you have lost yourself so much that you don’t know if your thoughts are your own or if they are what everyone else wants you to think? That your entire mind is being controlled, without you even knowing it. I wake up every day, wishing I hadn’t. I didn’t feel like this before, this band has destroyed me” I ramble.

I can tell by the sorrowful expression on Niall’s face that he had no idea it was this bad. He wants to understand, he could never understand though. He has no idea what this feels like, none of them do. They don’t know what it feels like being trapped and not having an escape. The only escape I have is Sienna, she is the only light in the dark that is my life.

“That’s how I feel every single day. I don’t know who I am anymore, I haven’t known who I am for a long time. The longer I stay, the longer I do this the harder it is getting to remember” I admit.

“We can help you, I can help you” he says emotionally.

I can see the pity in his eyes, I don’t want pity though. I just want to get better. I do believe that he would try to help me the best he could, but he can’t help me in the way I need. The only person who can completely help myself is me and I can’t do that under the blinding spotlight of One Direction. I need to stop hating who I am and learn how to love myself again. I haven’t loved myself for a long time.

I shake my head, staring down and my voice begins to crack with emotion “It’s too late, I am past your help”.

He looks completely crushed, distressed even and his face alone makes me want to change my mind, but I can’t keep doing things for others. I need to do something for I for once and I need to make sure I am ok first.
Louis suddenly hits his palms down on the table, drawing my attention to him with his sharp and abrupt manner. He sits up straight and his eyes are stern looking at me like he doesn’t know who I am anymore.

“Let him go, we don’t need him. We have never needed him” he says viciously.

I can hear the hate hanging onto every word he says to me. I don’t say anything, not wanting to antagonise the situation any further. I stare back at him, no longer with hate on my face. I give him a blank expression and I allow him to take any hate he wishes from that. His words don’t affect me anymore, the damage is done and the end is in sight. He can’t hurt me anymore or betray my trust, like he has already.

“I don’t want him to go” Niall whimpers, wiping the tears from his eyes.

He starts to sob as he crosses his arms on the table and he hides his face into his arms. I allow my own tears to escape as I see his body shaking from his tears. I take a deep breath, inhaling the emotions again. I wipe my eyes and breathe deeply, stopping the emotion from spiralling over.
I look across to Paul, who is discreetly wiping his own eyes. I wish I had the courage to tell him that he has been like a father to me. That he made some of the hard times, durable. I know I would only cry if I tried to say the words.
I am surprised that even Zayn and Liam are on the verge of tears as everything starts to unravel. I didn’t think they cared enough to be upset, I thought they would be glad to see the back of me. If I could thank them, I’d thank them for the early days. We had good times, although they seem hard to remember right now.
My chest aches as it all starts to end. The band I have given my life too and the band I have allowed to destroy me, I am finally walking away from it all. I am ending the only adult life I have ever known. I am walking away from people who I have loved and hated. The four people who have been my enemies and my best friends. The realisation makes my heart cripple with pain.

“I didn’t make this decision lightly” I say, hoping they can understand “I’ve been considering it for a long time, but I have never had the guts. It’s just got too much lately and I don’t feel like I have any other choice”.

Liam nods thoughtfully “You have to do what’s right for you, we understand”.

His words of comfort mean everything to me and I almost want to ask why he couldn’t have been like this sooner. Perhaps, if they all had been more understanding then we wouldn’t be here now and it wouldn’t feel like I don’t have any other choice.

I don’t say anything, I allow the lawyers to negotiate and for everything to officially end. It takes fifteen minutes, just fifteen minutes to end something I thought at one time would never end. I am made to sign several things and I only do with Jonathan’s agreement, once he has read over them.

Everything is signed and that’s when it all becomes official, I have officially left One Direction. The only thing left to do is to have the press conference, so we can confirm it to the world. That’s the part I am looking forward to the least, sharing the news with our devoted fans.

I stand to my feet and Jonathan stands up beside me shaking the lawyers and Simon’s hands. I lean across the table and I shake Simon’s hand too as he wishes me all the best.

I reluctantly turn to Paul, he doesn’t even attempt to hide the tears. He has done his best to look after me and for that I will always be thankful. He walks around the table, hugging me tightly and I get a familiar feeling inside from his affection.

“Thank you for everything” I say, meaning it.

He nods, too overcome by emotion to speak and then he moves away, walking to the corner to pull himself together. I am thankful there isn’t any animosity between me and the management, I don’t want to make any more enemies. I turn my attention to the four boys who are now men, I have turned into a man with them.
Zayn stands up, leaning across the table and he extends his hand to me and I shake it. His grip feels weaker than normal and he bites down on his bottom lip, trying to with stein the tears. I follow the same pattern with Liam and they both wish me ‘the best of luck’.
Niall walks around the table to me and he throws his arms around me. We hug each other tightly, him gripping my shirt desperately in his hands. He cries on my shoulder and I feel his tears soak into my shirt. I allow the tears I have been holding in to fall, not caring who can see me. I knew Niall would be the hardest to walk away from, he’s the only one I don’t want to leave behind.

“I’ll miss you bro” I whisper to him.

“I’ll miss you too” he admits.

We step apart and I give him a small wink, which he smiles weakly at. He walks off to the other side of the room, drying his eyes too. He will be fine, he just needs to get use to me not being here and it’ll be easier than he thinks. I haven’t been here properly in a long time.
I turn my attention to the last person, my once best friend. Louis.

“We’ll be just successful as a four piece” he claims.

I’m not interested or concerned with their success anymore. I hope for them they are successful, if that’s what they all want. I hope they can go on without me and achieve bigger and better things without me holding them back. I didn’t want their dreams to end just because of me. I just wanted out, that’s all. I didn’t want them to lose everything too. They have time to decide what they want to do, before the press conference tomorrow.

“We will be just as good without you” he continues trying to hurt me.

I laugh sarcastically him, his words are almost laughable. I’m not bothered by his vicious words anymore or his bitchy comments. I don’t need to be bothered about them anymore.

“You and I both know you won’t be complete” I tell him “You’ll never be One Direction without me”.

I don’t give him a chance to answer, I just turn around and without another word I walk out. I walk out of the room, realising I am a free man and nothing could feel better.

Sienna’s POV

My phone starts to ring and I pull it out of my pocket, Eleanor’s name showing on the front. I am about to answer it, I haven’t spoken to her for a few days. I’ve been too distracted by Harry to keep in touch with her. The door opens though distracting me and Harry walks out. I instinctively put the phone back in my coat pocket, making a mental note to call her back when I am done.
Harry walks to me and I can tell he is different already. I can’t put my finger on what is it, but there is something about his posture and eyes that give it away. His shoulders aren’t tensed anymore and his eyes not clouded with worry. His eyes meet mine and I can tell he isn’t the same person he was when he walked into that room. He is walking out a free man, no longer one on the verge of a breakdown.
He quickly closes the gap between us and he pulls my body into his arms. His warm touch, sending electric through my body. He holds me close, his touch feeling more comforting than usual. He hasn’t felt this relaxed in a long time.

“I did it” he says quietly into my hair, his face hid inside the mass of my blonde hair.

I pull back from him, my heart swelling with pride for how brave he has been and how happy he seems. He looks happy, the glint I have missed in his eyes has returned. There is a sparkle there that I haven’t seen in a long time, a sparkle that I have forgotten had even existed until now. I stand on my tip toes and I place my hands behind is head pulling him to me. I kiss his lips firmly, getting the much needed fix that is Harry. I am so thankful that he seems happy, all I have ever wanted is for him to be happy again.

“Are you happy?” I ask, needing to hear him say the words again.

“More than you will ever believe” he beams, eyes shining.

I can see the freedom in his eyes, the chains and shackles and been removed. He is free, we are both finally free.