DANMEI Reading List (RAW)

198. Turns Out I'm Crazy

Translator: Helli Translations

Chapters: 74 + 4 Extras

Tags: rebirth, self cest, abusive characters, yandere ML

Synopsis:

Lu Zhengfei personally killed Chen Qianqing with his abuse.

He cut off Chen Qianqing’s legs, and blinded his eyes, locking him up with chains in his house. Then, he watched with his eyes wide as he died. Injuries inflicted in the name of love would always end in a tragedy.

Did Lu Zhengfei regret it? Of course he did. And so, God gave him a chance to be reborn.

But this time, he found that he himself——became Chen Qianqing.

Impressions: Siiiggghh... this was a bit of a downer for me. The angst didn't make me frustrated like in other novels, it just made me feel dispirited a bit. Lol. The HE help lift up my mood~~

So our MC is a yandere, and not in a good way, but in the I-will-break-your-legs and imprison you all your life way. He and shou are both extremely hard people, no one was willing to compromise, both didn't like to ask questions or give explanations. Their relationship was filled with abuse and misunderstandings. Shou died with extreme hatred for MC and MC committed suicide cos he was full of guilt regarding what happened to shou.

Then MC was reborn as shou. He saw his younger self (ML) and now understands how crazy he was from shou's POV. He felt that this was shou's punishment to him, to make him experienced everything he experienced before and he accepts it. MC knows himself so he knows what makes ML ticks, what words to use to hurt him and fully utilizes it. It was a kind of self-abuse, with MC torturing his younger self.

Our MC is very contradictory. He keeps hurting his younger self as atonement to shou. But he also feels soft towards ML cos he knows how much he paid for shou, so when he is hurting ML, he is also hurting himself. There was this scene with ML giving our MC the chocolate he made, and MC knows that if it was the real shou, he would never accept it. (In the past life, shou threw it in the trash and later, MC picked it up and ate it himself) but he also knew how much his younger self worked hard to make this chocolate so he accepted it. He thought that in the end, it was still Him who ate this chocolate, and not shou. When MC is not hurting ML, he's busy tormenting himself. He found out what shou has experienced in the past, the rumors from his roommate, being treated as a plaything by ML circle of friends. He found out that aside from himself (ML), no one really believed in ML's love for him. He also finds out that shou ALMOST accepted him before, but because of misunderstandings and his extreme personality, their relationship failed in the end.

MC actually developed depression, he is very world weary, like he is tired of everything in the world, but he's unwilling to die cos he doesn't want to ruin shou's body and he still needs to atone for his sins. MC has no goals etc. except for tormenting ML cos he feels like he is not qualified to give himself (ML) forgiveness cos he is not the real shou. Laters, MC chose to forgive ML and accept him, but he was suddenly killed and he felt that that's alright too cos it must be his retribution.

#SPOILER Laters, he died and met shou in the afterlife. Shou told him that when he died, he was given 3 wishes. He used his first wish to make MC become him to make him experienced everything he did. Shou also wished for his own happiness (2nd wish), and he was happy now. And he was giving MC the 3rd wish. MC went back in time and avoided getting killed. MC accepted ML and they finally have a normal relationship.

Extras is lighthearted, like ML dreaming that he was mpreg with their fifth child. Lololol. (He thought that if MC can be healthy as in the dream, being mpreg was a small price to pay). Then MC's 'counterattack' (he topped ML). Then shou's new life (his 2nd wish); snd MC & ML talking about having children.

This was very interesting for me. I've read self-cest before and the MC's goal always seem to be to pamper his past self, but our MC here went to abuse himself. His feelings for ML/his younger self is complex. He's jealous of him cos he got good treatment from shou's parents; disappointed at his stupidity and impulsiveness, feels sorry for him when he hurts him but also feels that he deserves it.

I would've quit this if it was a whiny MC but our MC here faces the situation head on, and was even willing to add abuse to himself and ML. He never thinks of himself as a victim, which made me like it. The focus here isn't the romance but more on MC forgiving/accepting his younger self.

Anyways, try this if you like self-cest with a twist, and if you like abuse-the-ML novels~~ Trigger warning for r*pe and unhealthy/abusive relationships.