TITANS. aot

SOLDIER | e. smith

erwin | fem!reader

     another sigh left your lips when you adverted your eyes away from the blond commander, focusing on your half-eaten food instead. sasha took your lack of attention as a chance to take some of your food, earning a smack on the head from jean every time she does so. you could care less of what sasha does, your mind was too muddled up with endless questions and thoughts about the commander of the survey corps.

     your mood was glum and serious, no speck of laughter or joy could be found in your e/c eyes.

     the sudden change of attitude bothered your friends since last week when it all started. they thought that you were remembering some tragic past or that you were just moody so they decided not to bother you but when it's been going on for a week, it started to concern them.

    they didn't know your reason but they wanted to ask you about it, to help you at least. your gloomy mood was something they weren't used to, after all the laughter and smiles you brought despite the world creating monsters with death right on your fingertips. 

     mikasa was observant, she wasn't dumb like the others (armin excluded). she had the idea of what was in your mind that caused you to be quiet and sad but she wasn't exactly sure. what bothers her the most was how the others didn't notice the longing look you had as you stare at commander erwin, it was obvious after all! you weren't exactly hiding it!

     "y/n?" mikasa softly called out, "are you okay? you haven't finished your food." she inquired, staring at the bowl of soup in front of you.

     you looked up from your lap and shrugged, pushing the bowl towards sasha who took it eagerly. "i'm fine, i'm not that hungry." you mumbled, placing your head on the table.

     your friends looked at each other, eyes full of concern and worry. "but you didn't eat anything today, and yesterday and the day before." jean stated, fingers laced together.

     you didn't say anything, letting them worry even more. you closed your eyes and sighed, ignoring the questions of your comrades. all you could think about was what happened last week and how you had your hopes up but got hurt in the end.

     the bright sunny day was still clear to you. you could remember the clean wind tickling your cheeks and the sunlight blinding you as you travel to the other side of the building with stacks of papers in hand. the others were training and you were miraculously excused for the day when captain levi ordered you to bring some papers to the commander himself. though you should've expected getting more tasks like that when erwin is close to assigning you with your own quad if you continue to perform excellently. 

     you were grinning from ear to ear while walking down the quiet halls, both relieved to be excused from the hell you call training and partially glad that you could finally talk, alone, to the person that caught your interest since the beginning.

     you had no idea how you grew infatuated with the commander, but you just did. maybe it was how he spoke during the night you chose survey corps; it was full of bitter and hurtful truth but you could see the little glimmer of hope and worry dancing in his electrifying blue eyes. he didn't want any of you to continue living in fear but the truth had to be said, he didn't want any soldiers serving under survey corps when they only think so little about the titans and expeditions. he doesn't think of himself, he thinks for the whole of humanity.

     of course, he was attractive too but looks aren't just a reason for you to like someone.

     when you reached his office, you softly rapped your knuckles against the wooden door after taking a deep breath. when his deep voice called you in, you slowly opened the door and flashed a charming smile to flatter him. your memories started to faze a bit there because all you could remember from waking up in your dream-like state was that you were pinned against his desk, arms wrapped around your waist with his lips pressed on your own. his kiss was fire itself, lighting up every cell in your body and sending them into a frenzy. you could faintly remember the ringing in your head as the kiss grew fervently, his gentle hands on your waist suddenly slipping past your clothes to caress your skin.

     you couldn't believe that it was happening at first but soon, you returned the passionate kiss and allowed yourself to succumb to his heated kisses. you finally knew that he liked you back, were you supposed to hold yourself? perhaps it was going to continue to possibly something more but the sudden loud knock on the door and an innocent voice of a fellow cadet woke both of you up from that situation. your cheeks, red like a cherry, could be seen as you fix yourself to look presentable, calming your fiery nerves and beating heart as you do so. you were the one who opened the door when erwin fixed his desk, seating on his chair as he calls in the person outside.

     you passed by the unrecognizable face of your comrade, leaving the room with a skip on your step. the big smile on your face was shining and everyone could tell how happy you were.

     you were, of course. who wouldn't be happy to know that the person you like likes you back?

     when you went to his office that night, with another stack of paperwork, it was raining hard despite the sunny weather in the morning. you didn't pay any attention to it, your focus was solely on the commander.

     as soon as you opened the door and went inside, you felt yourself getting claustrophobic. it was quiet inside the cozy office, the pitter-patter of the rain against the window could be heard with how quiet it was. erwin went back to scribbling on the papers as you neared him, placing the papers on his deck neatly.

     you swallowed a lump in your throat, standing awkwardly in front of his desk. erwin didn't look up from his work, making you nervous than you already were. you decided to think of something to say, regarding what happened earlier and what could your relationship be after that.

     you remember opening your mouth to speak but before you could say anything, he beat you to it.

     "what happened earlier, please forgive my rash decisions. i had no idea what happened, it was an honest mistake. we can forget about this and get back to being a commander and soldier if that's alright."

     his sentence kept repeating on your head, trying to understand what he just said and if he was only joking. but when the seriousness in his eyes shine through and he said nothing after that, your heart broke into pieces. you should've expected it, you shouldn't have brought your hopes up.

     you left his office after saying, "it's alright, it was a mistake on my part too." with a smile you could muster, masking your hurt feelings.

     his fiery and savory kiss didn't hold any meaning.

     his gentle arms wrapped around your waist as he pulled you close against him held no meaning.

     he was a brave and smart commander, with the whole of humanity depending on him for freedom from the titans. love would never be on his agenda.

     you were just a soldier after all. and he, a commander.