Undateable

Thirty-Eight

Kaia's POV

I could probably find a thousand reasons to excuse my behaviour. I can't tell the difference between what's real and what's a lie anymore and part of that reason is Cade. He followed me around and pestered me until I agreed to go on a date with him and we ultimately did start going out, and then he breaks up with me and then want to be with me again. As a person who prefers a simple life, this is just got my head in.

But I felt bad pushing him away constantly. At lunch the following day, I noticed Cade was sitting on the table with Kieran and Vi. I know Cade saw me because we connected eyes and I walked out. Cade didn't follow me and I'm glad. He probably finally listened to me and let me accept all this on my own. To be honest, I feel like it is all too soon. He just broke up with me and it was too sudden. I don't understand why he wants to start from the start, but I started to question everything again. I realized how stressed I was while in a relationship with him.

That night I thought about it more. I laid in bed, stared at my ceiling while Vivian was having a fight with her step-dad. Her argument echoed in the background and the sound of Kieran playing videogames boomed through the walls. But I zoned it all out. I was in my own little world and I just thought to myself. Would it be that bad if I started dating Cade again? Is there any reason why I should date him again? Is there any reason why I shouldn't date him? I started to think that I was being unreasonable here.

But then I thought about Cade's behavior during the time of our relationship, and then I thought about mine. I convinced myself I was happy with him, but I was constantly worried about him. He would avoid me at times, and I couldn't understand why. I thought, as his girlfriend, I had the right to know and be there for him. But what if we're at the stage where neither of us are actually prepared to date. Or maybe it's not me. Maybe it's just Cade.

He says he's ready to date again, but what if that's just his wishful thinking. What if he thinks he's fine but really, he's pushing the real problem away and trying to avoid it again. And if we date again, what happens when those problems come back, and he breaks up with me again until he recovers before wanting to be with me again.

But then the real question came up. We're going to graduate soon. We might go to different places. I want to go back to Australia. Cade will likely stay in America. He might move to another State. We might even move to another State if I did stay. We would probably go to different colleges. What guarantees that we would be beside each other the next few years. Maybe breaking up was for the best. Perhaps all high schoolers are simply undateable.

The following day, I actually sat at the table with Cade, Kieran and Vi. Cade was surprised but he didn't say anything about it. He stayed quiet and I'm glad he did. I wanted to ask Cade why did he really break up with me – what happened to him? But I couldn't. Not in front of Kieran or Vi at least. I felt like this was a personal conversation that Cade would not want anyone to know. He probably doesn't even want me to know. So, I didn't say anything. I pretended that we never dated, and we were all just friends. It was hard, and it was awkward, but I think I managed.

A few weeks later, my relationship with Cade has improved. We talked to each other more frequently and this earnt a lot of confused stares by everyone at school. People have approached me and asked if Cade and I started dating again and I would tell them the truth. That we aren't and we're trying to be friends. But Cade continues to tell everyone he intends to win me back. It's awkward and I would often feel my cheeks burn every time he would say it, but I try to ignore it and pretend I don't even know about it.

Cade and I would walk the halls together again. He would make fun of me in a banter kind of way and it took a few days for me to do it to him as well. It's an awkward experience but I realized I wanted to go back to the way things were. My feelings for Cade haven't really faded away but I know that it was too soon to get back together. But we've been 'friends' again for a few weeks now and I'm starting to realise that my feelings for him are only growing... all over again.