I Can't Seem To Let You Go

80| Blood On Our Hands

I know this makes me seem selfish, but really, I'd be selfish either way, so it doesn't matter. If I didn't tell him the truth, it wouldn't be fair to him because he's always been extremely honest with me and now I'm not being the same. And if I went against what Austin said and I'd be putting him in danger, and while it might seem cruel coming from me, I just... don't give a fuck anymore.

I've been in this state for way too long, and no amount of pills or medications could make me feel at peace with myself enough. I mean, sure, they lessen the pain, but they don't remove it. And so I decided that the only way to remove the pain completely is to let it out.

I haven't been able to speak to anyone about this at all, and the only other person who did know what was going on wasn't around as much anymore. Becky's been strangely busy lately, at least that's what she'd tell me when I call to ask her if she wanted to meet up. But I never really questioned her about it in fear of pressuring her if she didn't want to tell me.

And so, I kept everything locked inside, and God, it felt terrible. But now, I'm finally gonna be able to let it all out, all while staying honest with Shawn and with myself about everything. I just don't care about anything anymore, all I know is that I just need to tell him.

I texted Shawn earlier and today and told him that we needed to talk, he asked me if I wanted him to pick me up and I told him I'd just come over. And afterwards, I kept my phone on silent to avoid to talking to anyone about anything and distracting myself, and I'm still keeping it on silent so that I can really talk to him without any interruptions. Everything else in my life can wait, now, I have to try and save our relationship, or what's left of it.

And so here I am, standing outside his house after ringing the doorbell, waiting for him to open the door as my heart races a mile a minute.

Why do I suddenly feel like this is a really bad idea?

But before I can further think about it, the door is opened, revealing him, in a simple, plain, navy blue T-shirt and a pair of black jeans. His brown hair is a little messy with a lock of it falling over his forehead (which I for some reason find very attractive) and his hand is deep inside his pocket as he stands there at the door. His chocolate eyes hold a hopeful look in them, and his mouth is pulled up at one corner in a half smile.

I take a moment to appreciate the work of art that he is. I always thought he was absolutely flawless and looked incredibly handsome in whatever he had on. I'm not even ashamed of saying it, he's really hot, and one look from him can still make me want to melt into a puddle on the spot. I'm definitely lucky. And while that was a bonus, I really liked his sweet nature so much more. Because most attractive guys are total douchebags. Not him, though. Because he's not most guys, and he actually cares about me and other people and doesn't have a facade on like Austin does. And I think that's one of the things that I love about him the most. How he's always so true to himself.

I snap out of my trance as soon as I see a hand waving in front of me, and I shake my head a little and blink a few times before looking at Shawn, who's raising a brow at me.

"Camila, are you okay? You kinda zoned out a bit." He says and my cheeks instantly heat up and I look down at my feet before nodding. "Y-yeah, I'm fine."

"So, are you gonna come in or are we just gonna stand here all day?" He asks and I simply acknowledge him with a glance before stepping into the house.

As soon as I'm inside, I take in my surroundings for a second. It's been a while since I've last been in here, and I'm not gonna lie, I missed hanging out at his house. As I walk into the living room, I recall us sitting on the couch once a few weeks ago, kissing and laughing and eating, then Aaliyah came downstairs and fake gagged at us, calling us both 'sappy lovesick teenagers' before going into the kitchen to grab a snack.